ImperatorFish: John Key explains to the media

notices and features
10 years ago
Categories: humour, john key, Judith Collins, national, same old national, Satire
Tags: imperator fish, Orivida

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

Let me explain. There has been no breach of Cabinet rules. This has been confirmed by the Cabinet Office. Not the real Cabinet Office, but the one that exists in the deepest recesses of my imagination. That particular Cabinet Office always gives me the advice I want to hear, and the one thing I’ve learned from all my years in this place is to always listen to the voices in my head.

And let’s also be clear about Labour’s agenda here. This is only a political issue because Labour are such milk haters. Have you asked that tricky David Cunliffe why he hates milk so much? Why is he pursuing an anti-milk agenda? Milk is good for our kids, so why does tricky Cunliffe hate Kiwi kids so much? You should really look into that. He’s probably got a secret trust or two devoted to raising money for anti-milk projects, which if you ask me is disgraceful. And who’s really behind this whole anti-milk crusade? Is it Kim Dotcom? Why won’t Labour come clean and tell us who is funding their secret campaign to destroy the health of our most precious young citizens?

In any event, isn’t it time we moved on? Let’s all focus on the issues that matter to ordinary New Zealanders. That reminds me that I’ve been doing a bit of doodling, and I’ve come up with a new flag design. What do you think, guys? It’s a variant of the traditional silver fern, but I’ve added a Sky City logo. We might as well get some corporate sponsors to help pay for the flag debate, don’t you think? Actually, it was Bill’s idea. He reckons that’s what a fiscally prudent government would do.

No, I don’t agree that the flag debate is an irrelevant and unnecessary distraction. Have you seen our latest operating deficit figures? Why on earth would I want to talk about the economy?

No, I’m not going to keep answering questions about this Oravida business. There’s simply no story here. One of my ministers visited a New Zealand company’s Chinese offices and had a cup of tea. That’s all. Nothing to see. Move on, people!

No, she most certainly didn’t endorse their milk products, even if that’s what Oravida’s website seems to indicate. But have you considered that this might all be a ruse by that tricky David Cunliffe? I wouldn’t put it past tricky Cunliffe to set up a secret trust to solicit donations in order to create a fake Oravida website containing misleading and embarrassing photos and statements.

Have you asked tricky David Cunliffe about that? No, you’re too busy giving me a hard time instead of doing your jobs. Who knows what that man’s hiding? Why don’t you ask him what he was doing at 10:17am on 13 September 1992? I bet you he tells you he doesn’t remember. How’s that for tricky?

What was that? Am I scared of Judith Collins? What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I’m scared of Judith Collins! Everyone is scared of Judith Collins.

And now, if we can move on… That reminds me of something. I’ve been thinking some more about this flag business…