Press release
New Zealand Government
Prime Minister John Key today conceded that growth remains too weak, unemployment is too high, and that it is unacceptable that workers’ wages are going backwards when he promised they would match Australia’s in just 15 years. Speaking to a rapturous crowd of schoolchildren and journalists, Key announced a bold new economic agenda.”
“I will admit that we have disappointed you to date.” said Key “We have tinkered with the RMA for no discernible improvement to growth. We have tinkered with the tax system, which gave me a nice tax cut but has had no effect on growth. And my government must face the fact that mining on schedule 4 land is not an economic panacea. Rather, it is a gift of our natural endowments to foreign companies for very little in return.”
“That’s why I am returning to my most successful economic policy to date and repeating the concept on a much grander scale.”
“As you all know, the John Key Memorial Cycleway has been an astounding success. As promised, it has delivered 4000 jobs in the process of creating a cycle path from Cape Reinga to the Bluff, all for a cost of just $50 million. It is a modern marvel, how we managed to undertake this project so rapidly and, with it, improvement employment up and down this country.”
“As predicted the national cycleway’s economic benefits are a simple up-scaling of the Otago Rail Trail. The Rail Trail takes 10,000 people a year, bringing in $20 million. The John Key Memorial Cycleway is attracting 200,000 tourists a year, spending $400 million. When the first Sir Edmund Hillary Explorator race along the cycleway takes place next year, it will really put this country on the map.”
“Always copy a good idea, they say. So, I am proud today to announce the Sir Peter Blake National Puntway. As you know, the most exciting thing to do in all of Christchurch is a guided punt on the Avon. Some 5,000 people a year spend $30 for the basic punt or $99 for the deluxe version. Counting all the food and accommodation spending by tourists attracted to Christchurch by the punting, I estimate it is a $40 million a year industry employing 1000 people – for a kilometre of punting!”
“Now imagine a puntway the length of the country. Through majestic Fiordland. Between the towering Alps. Through the vineyards of Malborough and Wairarapa. An exciting passage through the Manawatu Gorge. Up the iconic Desert Highway. A break at Lake Taupo before heading to Auckland via the Waikato via and then amongst the Kauris of the far North.”
“With exciting recent developments in digging technology and low-cost locks from China, I believe we can build the national puntway in less than 9 months, employing 100,000 people for a total cost of just $6.50. Based on the Avon puntway, I expect that 15 million people a year will ride the national puntway, bringing in $120 billion a year and employing 3 million people.”
“This my friends is the future of our country – the Sir Peter Blake National Puntway!”
“Before you ask, no I haven’t asked for any official advice on these numbers, just like I didn’t on the cycleway. You’ve just got to believe guys. Blind faith in outrageously unjustified benefits from novelty projects – that’s this country’s economic plan. And I’m the man to deliver it.”
“I know nothing else I have done has come close to fulfilling my promises but this is different. I promise. Anyone who has even the slightest criticism of this plan is defeatist, unambitious for New Zealand and a total asshole who makes me cry”
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