Caption Competition
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11:56 am, April 11th, 2016 - 72 comments
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Keep it seemly . . .
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The last few days have been a bit too much of a whirl for me to manage a fresh edition each day. It's been that kind of year. Hope you don't mind.I’ve been coming around to thinking that it doesn't really matter if you don't have something to say every ...5 hours ago - All I Want For Christmas
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The Government has done the right thing in moving to ban greyhound racing. ...2 weeks ago
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After years of advocacy, the Green Party is very happy to hear the Government has listened to our collective voices and announced the closure of the greyhound racing industry, by 1 August 2026. ...2 weeks ago
- Rangatahi voices must be centred in Government’s Relationship and Sexuality Education refresh
In response to a new report from ERO, the Government has acknowledged the urgent need for consistency across the curriculum for Relationship and Sexuality Education (RSE) in schools. ...2 weeks ago
- Govt introduces archaic anti-worker legislation
The Green Party is appalled at the Government introducing legislation that will make it easier to penalise workers fighting for better pay and conditions. ...2 weeks ago
- Winston Peters – Kinleith Mill Speech
Thank you for the invitation to speak with you tonight on behalf of the political party I belong to - which is New Zealand First. As we have heard before this evening the Kinleith Mill is proposing to reduce operations by focusing on pulp and discontinuing “lossmaking paper production”. They say that they are currently consulting on the plan to permanently shut ...2 weeks ago - Swarbrick calls on Auckland Mayor to end delay of revival of St James Theatre
Auckland Central MP, Chlöe Swarbrick, has written to Mayor Wayne Brown requesting he stop the unnecessary delays on St James Theatre’s restoration. ...2 weeks ago
- He Ara Anamata: Greens launch Emissions Reduction Plan
Today, the Green Party of Aotearoa proudly unveils its new Emissions Reduction Plan–He Ara Anamata–a blueprint reimagining our collective future. ...2 weeks ago
- Be wise around water this summer
Kiwis planning a swim or heading out on a boat this summer should remember to stop and think about water safety, Sport & Recreation Minister Chris Bishop and ACC and Associate Transport Minister Matt Doocey say. “New Zealand’s beaches, lakes and rivers are some of the most beautiful in the ...12 hours ago - Drive safely this summer
The Government is urging Kiwis to drive safely this summer and reminding motorists that Police will be out in force to enforce the road rules, Transport Minister Simeon Brown says.“This time of year can be stressful and result in poor decision-making on our roads. Whether you are travelling to see ...12 hours ago
- Internationally-trained doctors jump at chance to boost health workforce
Health Minister Dr Shane Reti says Health New Zealand will move swiftly to support dozens of internationally-trained doctors already in New Zealand on their journey to employment here, after a tripling of sought-after examination places. “The Medical Council has delivered great news for hardworking overseas doctors who want to contribute ...2 days ago
- PM appoints business leader to APEC Business Advisory Council
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has appointed Sarah Ottrey to the APEC Business Advisory Council (ABAC). “At my first APEC Summit in Lima, I experienced firsthand the role that ABAC plays in guaranteeing political leaders hear the voice of business,” Mr Luxon says. “New Zealand’s ABAC representatives are very well respected and ...3 days ago
- New intelligence oversight appointments
Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has announced four appointments to New Zealand’s intelligence oversight functions. The Honourable Robert Dobson KC has been appointed Chief Commissioner of Intelligence Warrants, and the Honourable Brendan Brown KC has been appointed as a Commissioner of Intelligence Warrants. The appointments of Hon Robert Dobson and Hon ...3 days ago
- New housing developments able to progress more quickly
Improvements in the average time it takes to process survey and title applications means housing developments can progress more quickly, Minister for Land Information Chris Penk says. “The government is resolutely focused on improving the building and construction pipeline,” Mr Penk says. “Applications to issue titles and subdivide land are ...3 days ago
- Actions to speed up air travel delivering results
The Government’s measures to reduce airport wait times, and better transparency around flight disruptions is delivering encouraging early results for passengers ahead of the busy summer period, Transport Minister Simeon Brown says. “Improving the efficiency of air travel is a priority for the Government to give passengers a smoother, more reliable ...3 days ago
- Ending contracted emergency housing in Rotorua
The Government today announced the intended closure of the Apollo Hotel as Contracted Emergency Housing (CEH) in Rotorua, Associate Housing Minister Tama Potaka says. This follows a 30 per cent reduction in the number of households in CEH in Rotorua since National came into Government. “Our focus is on ending CEH in the Whakarewarewa area starting ...3 days ago
- Vocational education and training decisions support return to regions
The Government will reshape vocational education and training to return decision making to regions and enable greater industry input into work-based learning Tertiary Education and Skills Minister, Penny Simmonds says. “The redesigned system will better meet the needs of learners, industry, and the economy. It includes re-establishing regional polytechnics that ...3 days ago
- Reducing the environmental impact of synthetic refrigerants
The Government is taking action to better manage synthetic refrigerants and reduce emissions caused by greenhouse gases found in heating and cooling products, Environment Minister Penny Simmonds says. “Regulations will be drafted to support a product stewardship scheme for synthetic refrigerants, Ms. Simmonds says. “Synthetic refrigerants are found in a ...4 days ago
- Ngāruawāhia section of Waikato Expressway back to 4 lanes for Christmas
People travelling on State Highway 1 north of Hamilton will be relieved that remedial works and safety improvements on the Ngāruawāhia section of the Waikato Expressway were finished today, with all lanes now open to traffic, Transport Minister Simeon Brown says.“I would like to acknowledge the patience of road users ...4 days ago
- Appointments to the ENZ board
Tertiary Education and Skills Minister, Penny Simmonds, has announced a new appointment to the board of Education New Zealand (ENZ). Dr Erik Lithander has been appointed as a new member of the ENZ board for a three-year term until 30 January 2028. “I would like to welcome Dr Erik Lithander to the ...4 days ago
- Government to celebrate Waitangi Day around NZ
The Government will have senior representatives at Waitangi Day events around the country, including at the Waitangi Treaty Grounds, but next year Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has chosen to take part in celebrations elsewhere. “It has always been my intention to celebrate Waitangi Day around the country with different ...4 days ago
- More gangs added to Gangs Act list
Two more criminal gangs will be subject to the raft of laws passed by the Coalition Government that give Police more powers to disrupt gang activity, and the intimidation they impose in our communities, Police Minister Mark Mitchell says. Following an Order passed by Cabinet, from 3 February 2025 the ...4 days ago
- Judicial appointment announced
Attorney-General Judith Collins today announced the appointment of Justice Christian Whata as a Judge of the Court of Appeal. Justice Whata’s appointment as a Judge of the Court of Appeal will take effect on 1 August 2025 and fill a vacancy created by the retirement of Hon Justice David Goddard on ...4 days ago
- GDP data highlights importance of growth
The latest economic figures highlight the importance of the steps the Government has taken to restore respect for taxpayers’ money and drive economic growth, Finance Minister Nicola Willis says. Data released today by Stats NZ shows Gross Domestic Product fell 1 per cent in the September quarter. “Treasury and most ...4 days ago
- Strengthening Free Speech in Universities
Tertiary Education and Skills Minister Penny Simmonds and Associate Minister of Education David Seymour today announced legislation changes to strengthen freedom of speech obligations on universities. “Freedom of speech is fundamental to the concept of academic freedom and there is concern that universities seem to be taking a more risk-averse ...4 days ago
- Launch of Emergency Cellular Priority Service
Police Minister, Mark Mitchell, and Internal Affairs Minister, Brooke van Velden, today launched a further Public Safety Network cellular service that alongside last year’s Cellular Roaming roll-out, puts globally-leading cellular communications capability into the hands of our emergency responders. The Public Safety Network’s new Cellular Priority service means Police, Wellington ...4 days ago
- Minister reopens Mangamuka Gorge
State Highway 1 through the Mangamuka Gorge has officially reopened today, providing a critical link for Northlanders and offering much-needed relief ahead of the busy summer period, Transport Minister Simeon Brown says.“The Mangamuka Gorge is a vital route for Northland, carrying around 1,300 vehicles per day and connecting the Far ...4 days ago
- Funding confirmed for second Ashburton Bridge
The Government has welcomed decisions by the NZ Transport Agency (NZTA) and Ashburton District Council confirming funding to boost resilience in the Canterbury region, with construction on a second Ashburton Bridge expected to begin in 2026, Transport Minister Simeon Brown says. “Delivering a second Ashburton Bridge to improve resilience and ...5 days ago
- Government boosts support for avian influenza response
The Government is backing the response into high pathogenic avian influenza (HPAI) in Otago, Biosecurity Minister Andrew Hoggard says. “Cabinet has approved new funding of $20 million to enable MPI to meet unbudgeted ongoing expenses associated with the H7N6 response including rigorous scientific testing of samples at the enhanced PC3 ...5 days ago
- Levelling the playing field for media advertising
Legislation that will repeal all advertising restrictions for broadcasters on Sundays and public holidays has passed through first reading in Parliament today, Media Minister Paul Goldsmith says. “As a growing share of audiences get their news and entertainment from streaming services, these restrictions have become increasingly redundant. New Zealand on ...5 days ago
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Today the House agreed to Brendan Horsley being appointed Inspector-General of Defence, Justice Minister Paul Goldsmith says. “Mr Horsley’s experience will be invaluable in overseeing the establishment of the new office and its support networks. “He is currently Inspector-General of Intelligence and Security, having held that role since June 2020. ...5 days ago
- Fire and Emergency New Zealand final levy rates confirmed
Minister of Internal Affairs Brooke van Velden says the Government has agreed to the final regulations for the levy on insurance contracts that will fund Fire and Emergency New Zealand from July 2026. “Earlier this year the Government agreed to a 2.2 percent increase to the rate of levy. Fire ...5 days ago
- More AML relief on the way for Kiwi businesses
The Government is delivering regulatory relief for New Zealand businesses through changes to the Anti-Money Laundering and Countering Financing of Terrorism Act. “The Anti-Money Laundering and Countering Financing of Terrorism Amendment Bill, which was introduced today, is the second Bill – the other being the Statutes Amendment Bill - that ...5 days ago
- Hawke’s Bay Expressway moving at pace
Transport Minister Simeon Brown has welcomed further progress on the Hawke’s Bay Expressway Road of National Significance (RoNS), with the NZ Transport Agency (NZTA) Board approving funding for the detailed design of Stage 1, paving the way for main works construction to begin in late 2025.“The Government is moving at ...5 days ago
- Government seeks partnerships to plant trees on Crown-owned-land
The Government today released a request for information (RFI) to seeking interest in partnerships to plant trees on Crown-owned land with low farming and conservation value (excluding National Parks) Forestry Minister Todd McClay announced. “Planting trees on Crown-owned land will drive economic growth by creating more forestry jobs in our regions, providing more wood ...5 days ago
- Wide ranging legislation to make justice system more efficient
Court timeliness, access to justice, and improving the quality of existing regulation are the focus of a series of law changes introduced to Parliament today by Associate Minister of Justice Nicole McKee. The three Bills in the Regulatory Systems (Justice) Amendment Bill package each improve a different part of the ...5 days ago
- Diverse skills in community trust appointments
A total of 41 appointments and reappointments have been made to the 12 community trusts around New Zealand that serve their regions, Associate Finance Minister Shane Jones says. “These trusts, and the communities they serve from the Far North to the deep south, will benefit from the rich experience, knowledge, ...5 days ago
- Torture redress for survivors of the Lake Alice Unit
The Government has confirmed how it will provide redress to survivors who were tortured at the Lake Alice Psychiatric Hospital Child and Adolescent Unit (the Lake Alice Unit). “The Royal Commission of Inquiry into Abuse in Care found that many of the 362 children who went through the Lake Alice Unit between 1972 and ...5 days ago
- A busy year in the House
It has been a busy, productive year in the House as the coalition Government works hard to get New Zealand back on track, Leader of the House Chris Bishop says. “This Government promised to rebuild the economy, restore law and order and reduce the cost of living. Our record this ...5 days ago
- Consultation opens on working with engineered stone
“Accelerated silicosis is an emerging occupational disease caused by unsafe work such as engineered stone benchtops. I am running a standalone consultation on engineered stone to understand what the industry is currently doing to manage the risks, and whether further regulatory intervention is needed,” says Workplace Relations and Safety Minister ...5 days ago
- Greater reporting on Treaty settlement commitments
Mehemea he pai mō te tangata, mahia – if it’s good for the people, get on with it. Enhanced reporting on the public sector’s delivery of Treaty settlement commitments will help improve outcomes for Māori and all New Zealanders, Māori Crown Relations Minister Tama Potaka says. Compiled together for the ...5 days ago
- New appointments to the Charities Registration Board
Mr Roger Holmes Miller and Ms Tarita Hutchinson have been appointed to the Charities Registration Board, Community and Voluntary Sector Minister Louise Upston says. “I would like to welcome the new members joining the Charities Registration Board. “The appointment of Ms Hutchinson and Mr Miller will strengthen the Board’s capacity ...6 days ago
- Building consent processing times improve
More building consent and code compliance applications are being processed within the statutory timeframe since the Government required councils to submit quarterly data, Building and Construction Minister Chris Penk says. “In the midst of a housing shortage we need to look at every step of the build process for efficiencies ...6 days ago
- Faster access to support through Innovation Fund
Mental Health Minister Matt Doocey is proud to announce the first three recipients of the Government’s $10 million Mental Health and Addiction Community Sector Innovation Fund which will enable more Kiwis faster access to mental health and addiction support. “This fund is part of the Government’s commitment to investing in ...6 days ago
- New Zealand to assist Vanuatu on earthquake response
New Zealand is providing Vanuatu assistance following yesterday's devastating earthquake, Foreign Minister Winston Peters says. "Vanuatu is a member of our Pacific family and we are supporting it in this time of acute need," Mr Peters says. "Our thoughts are with the people of Vanuatu, and we will be ...6 days ago
- Government takes steps to reduce card fees for Kiwis
The Government welcomes the Commerce Commission’s plan to reduce card fees for Kiwis by an estimated $260 million a year, Commerce and Consumer Affairs Minister Andrew Bayly says.“The Government is relentlessly focused on reducing the cost of living, so Kiwis can keep more of their hard-earned income and live a ...6 days ago
- Review recommends ECE regulation shakeup
Regulation Minister David Seymour has welcomed the Early Childhood Education (ECE) regulatory review report, the first major report from the Ministry for Regulation. The report makes 15 recommendations to modernise and simplify regulations across ECE so services can get on with what they do best – providing safe, high-quality care ...6 days ago
- Offshore Renewable Energy Bill passes first reading
The Government‘s Offshore Renewable Energy Bill to create a new regulatory regime that will enable firms to construct offshore wind generation has passed its first reading in Parliament, Energy Minister Simeon Brown says.“New Zealand currently does not have a regulatory regime for offshore renewable energy as the previous government failed ...6 days ago
- Youth Organization Fears Government Decisions Mean Rangatahi Will Be Sleeping Rough This Xmas!
Kick Back has growing concerns about the impact that denying young people access to shelter is having on the mental health and physical safety of the young people we serve. ...2 hours ago - Rabuka reveals details of 1987 coup navy ‘secret weapons mission’
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Youth advocates are worried tighter rules for emergency housing could lead to someone dying due to the impacts on mental health and physical safety for those denied shelter. ...3 hours ago - Church Bioethics Agencies Express Dismay at the Rushed Consultation Period for Submissions on the Ge...
“We urge the Health Select Committee to extend the date for submissions,” concluded Rev Bush. “There is too much at stake to leave the outcome of this review only in the hands of politicians or those with vested interests.” ...6 hours ago
- Submissions Open For The International Treaty Examination Of The Agreement On Climate Change, Trade ...
The agreement seeks to ensure the conservation and sustainable use of marine biological diversity of areas beyond national jurisdiction. ...7 hours ago
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A separate passport, citizenship and membership of the United Nations are only available to fully independent nations, Winston Peters' office says. ...9 hours ago
- NZ’s Z Energy renames stations with ‘correct’ kupu
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- I was asked to come up with my top 5 Aussie films of 2024. It was a difficult task
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Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Francisco Jose Testa, Lecturer in Earth Sciences (Mineralogy, Petrology & Geochemistry), University of Tasmania The Conversation As a kid, it was tough for me to grasp the massive time scale of Earth’s history. Now, with nearly two decades of experience as ...14 hours ago
- Public service cuts: ‘Rough’ months ahead for those out of work
Laid-off public servants have been slogging it out on a months-long job hunt, and for some that will continue into 2025. ...15 hours ago
- The real story behind the Government’s maths narrative
Opinion: The latest Trends in International Mathematics and Science report was announced earlier this month, yet it didn’t get the flurry of media attention and political hand-wringing that typically accompanies these announcements. This might be because it presented good news, or you could argue, no news; the results paint a ...17 hours ago - Māori ‘under siege’ in 2024, must fight back in 2025 – Ngarewa-Packer
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- Newsroom daily quiz, Monday 23 December
Loading…(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){var ql=document.querySelectorAll('A[data-quiz],DIV[data-quiz]'); if(ql){if(ql.length){for(var k=0;k<ql.length;k++){ql[k].id='quiz-embed-'+k;ql[k].href="javascript:var i=document.getElementById('quiz-embed-"+k+"');try{qz.startQuiz(i)}catch(e){i.start=1;i.style.cursor='wait';i.style.opacity='0.5'};void(0);"}}};i['QP']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)})(window,document,'script','https://take.quiz-maker.com/3012/CDN/quiz-embed-v1.js','qp');Got a good quiz question? Send Newsroom your questions.The post Newsroom daily quiz, Monday 23 December appeared first on Newsroom. ...18 hours ago
- Govt walks away from infrastructure alliance
The Government’s social housing agency has backed out of a billion-dollar infrastructure alliance that would have built about 6000 new homes in Auckland – less than 18 months after signing a five-year extension.Labour says the decision to rip up the contract and sell off existing state houses could lead to ...18 hours ago
- Daily crossword, Monday 23 December
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By , New Zealand’s Urban Search and Rescue (USAR) says impending bad weather for Port Vila is now the most significant post-quake hazard. A tropical low in the Coral Sea is expected to move into Vanuatu waters, bringing heavy rainfall. Authorities have issued warnings to people ...23 hours ago
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Cosmic CatastropheThe year draws to a close.King Luxon has grown tired of the long eveningsListening to the dreary squabbling of his Triumvirate.He strolls up to the top floor of the PalaceTo consult with his Astronomer Royal.The Royal Telescope scans the skies,And King Luxon stares up into the heavensFrom the terrestrial ...2 days ago
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Despite overwhelming public and corporate support, the government has stalled progress on a modern day slavery law. That puts us behind other countries – and makes Christmas a time of tragedy rather than joy, argues Shanti Mathias. Picture the scene on Christmas Day. Everyone replete with nice things to eat, ...2 days ago
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“My Public believe me.”
“My Public me whatever I do.”
“Well Lynton said I can do anything and say anything and they still believe me, even when I outright lie”
“Me too.”
Do you smell pork?
And then I told them we would have a “fool” make an “independent” Inquiry ! snigger snigger.
Who cares what two white Tory scum are doing,
really, who cares?
‘
Well, they are the leaders of their respective nations both exposed as participants in massive international tax avoidance. But, really, with this particular little exercise, turning them into objects of mockery is the main interest.
Interesting!
So much anger, adam. You should address that or it will eat you.
hahahahahahahahhahahah. Did you read the header The Gormless Fool formerly known as Oleolebiscuitbarrell, have you not seen these before?
Seriously serious much.
Just out of interest if it where a photo of Mugabe and Zuma would you call them black scum?
Political Correctness gone mad b waghorn? Or just feeling sensitive today?
You didnt offend me i assure you ,it just amuses me how further lefties in nz have this white man hate, when there is plenty of proof that the colour of skin isn’t linked to ones scum level.
No, but Tory scum generally are white though.
My trust is bigger than your trust and more well hidden.
It’s your turn so you eat the soggy biscuit.
Oh no you don’t, you were the last to release your tax returns so you eat it!.
JK – I’ve always looked up to you Dave
Pigs head you say, I can only a kiwi. Oh an Maltese
edit: you know, those cute little…..those cameras are ackshelly werking,,, chocolate balls lovely.
JK to DC
Hahaha you got caught Im still in the clear. Better start moving out Dave ,I could take your place for a while .Ive already run a small country to the ground a big ones more of a challenge
Looks like tax dodging trust fund trouble is about to come knocking
“…and then you say ‘Open Sesame’ and you get to share out the loot with your Forty Thieves…”
$17,000, what a paltry amount. Lucky I own a small country and the SIS and have so many friends in the US intelligence to make sure my money is safely hidden.
I hid my money in Panama, John. Where did you hide yours?
“I couldn’t believe my luck when Corbyn was elected leader”
“Really, you should try going up against this Little bloke. I can’t lose!”
“The funny thing is Dave, that while your defence is that you cannot be blamed for the sins of your father and your supporters are shouting it, back home the Socialists are having such a problem with the Lange period. You see we can sheet almost everything back to them as it is all their fault. And the public are swallowing it…”
I see a black door and I want to paint it red,
No colors anymore, I want them to turn red.
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes.
You’ve got a trust fund well we’ve all got one of those.
Haven’t we John.
From the people who bought you “Pony Tail Summer Camp” & “The boys from Bullingdon ”
Starring “Call me Dave” Cameron and Big John ” Shon” Key in this summers financial scandal/nothing to see here hit ….
” Makin Bacon”
This is good. Makes me miss the Neetflux posters.
Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
No,no Dave, it wasn’t me trying to remove the Union Jack, it was LLaybar akshuly..,(he then makes that sucking in air sound like he’s toking on a joint)
The door knocking scene from Labyrinth now has new meaning.
“What do you think Ludo, which do we choose out of these two ugly characters?”
J: Trust? Moi? Never…. at least not that I can remember. Anyway if the crap hits the fan I always scuttle off to Planet Key and leave my cronies to mop up my messes.
D: I tried that and the peasants got up a petition to ban my return… revolting oiks.
3 knocks and you are in, no strings and tax. You want to go first John?
Left Door Knocker: It’s very rude to stare!
Sarah: Oh! I’m sorry, I was just wondering which door to choose.
Left Door Knocker: HUH?
Right Door Knocker: [muffled] It’s no good asking him, he’s deaf as a post!
Left Door Knocker: Don’t talk with your mouth full!
Right Door Knocker: [muffled] I’m not talking with my mouth full, I…
Sarah: Wait, wait, I can’t understand you.
[she takes the ring out of his mouth]
Right Door Knocker: Ah! Mm. Oh, oh, it is so good to get that thing out.
Sarah: What were you saying?
Right Door Knocker: I said, it’s no good talking to him, he’s deaf as a post.
Left Door Knocker: Mumble mumble mumble! You’re a wonderful conversational companion!
Right Door Knocker: You can talk, all you do is moan!
Left Door Knocker: No good! Can’t hear you!
Sarah: What’s behind these doors?
Left Door Knocker: WHAT?
Right Door Knocker: Search me. We’re just the knockers!
[laughs]
Sarah: Oh.
[she goes to the left door, pushes on it]
Sarah: How do I get through?
Left Door Knocker: HUH?
Right Door Knocker: Knock, and the door will open!
Sarah: Oh.
Ludo: [with the ring in his mouth] Hmmph?
Sarah: [amused] Ludo!
[she takes the ring from Ludo, holds it out to the Right Door Knocker]
Right Door Knocker: Hey! I don’t want that thing back in my mouth!
Sarah: C’mon, I want to knock!
Right Door Knocker: MM-MM!
“The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.”
Final words of Animal Farm – George Orwell.
“Panamanian fun seekers, John? Don’t know what you mean.”
Two Heads of State and one brain scan revealing a huge moral cavity.
Still crushing the opposition in the polls? You bet Dave.
We even look alike, I can’t believe how clever Crosby Textor are!
Is that a piggy in the middle?
JK: “Haha I just sold off NZ’s power companies & state housing, raised GST, signed the TPPA, and turned NZ into a tax haven for international tax crime!”
DC: “Thanks for that, Daddy has already set me up with a nice tax free trust. And I’m selling the NHS, cutting disability benefits, and buying lovely Trident missiles with the proceeds!”
JK: “OK you win this round, but I will be back!”
Cameron to Key:
No, no, you won’t be coming in to my Exclusive Club, you wait out here you oily little tick ! When I was at Eton we used to line up four or five of your sort, make em bend over and use em as a rack for toasting crumpets, you Grotty little working class man !!!
“You’re right it’s just fantastic, there’s no need to hide our money anymore; we can really show it.”
JK: “Dave, I read that someone called you and I slim eballs – what’s a slim eball?
DC: “Is that so Mr ‘Soap-on-the-shower-floor-Key? Well close the gap and you’ll find out”
JK: “aye? Ha, ha, I don’t think so Dave, I’m a soap-on-a-rope kinda guy, sorry.”
DC: “I didn’t think you’d get it”
“Actually, John, this photo will express to voters my understanding of Jean-Paul Sartre’s 1944 play “Huis Clos” and how I will apply it into any future investigations into tax evasion.”
“Was he the bloke who said “Seek and you find? Knock and the door shall be opened to you?” That didn’t apply to tax collectors, did it?”
OK John, I will Knock 3 times and then we run ok? and try to keep up this time!
DC to JK “Who the **** are you?”
The Lion, The Two Witches, No wardrobe
DC: Man i am in deep got caught out on tax havens
JK: Don’t fret I get away with it all the time, just set up a flag referendum, they will never know
Two New Inexperienced Bouncers, employed at The Lynton Crosby Ball
Oh I see you use the same tailor as I do John,
Yes David,,I always get the deep pockets added to my suits.
Really….why is that John?
Well it comes in handy when there’s a pissing competition…
I fecking tried open sesame,,,now wheres the fecking key…u what? u lost it?
DC: I see your still persisting withe comb over….by the way, i think u may need some head and shoulders.
Profile shots of the beloved leaders taken for the new mint of one pound coins….selling for tuppence
DC: Sorry JK, you cant buy it, i just sold this door offshore for a handsome non taxable profit,,,,yet mums the world ok?
JK: Bloody Hell, you actually provide free food banks in your country?
….Isnt that a tad generous?
DC: I have had to invite you outside to demand satisfaction……..
That’s was my wife, how dare you pull her ponytail!
Their eyes meet across the front door step………………………………..it was instantaneous.
Of all the front door steps…… in all the world you found mine.
.
DC: Right when you go inside, don’t mention anything about President Trumps lovely hair…
JK: No Probs
DC: I have no idea, usually one of my servants do it….
JK: I haven’t a clue either, one of my bodyguards opens the doors for me
And its good night from him and its good night from him.
dc and jk arrive at Hells gate…Perfect timing!!!
Two for the price of one.
knock knock knocking on uber tax havens door.
DC: If you rub this Caymen island snake oil into your scalp you will have a full head of hair by the morning!…..that will be 1000 $ Us please, paid into my not very secret account….
JK: Done!
JK: Last time i visited you had two knockers, i am sure of it..
DC: Austerity cuts into everything, so we out sourced the other knocker
JK: You should see the knockers i have back home in Wellington!
DC & JK both wait to enter room 101, to face their greatest fear……their tax returns
It’s the room where Winston was interrogated………………..mind the rats!
JK: Well I dint invite him!
DC: I dint invite him either!:
JK: Well we will just have to stay here till he stops talking cak and leaves
DC: That could be a while, its freezing out here:
JK: I wonder how the hell that right wing apologist Pete George got his hands on an invite?
Rentokill’s, New Lion Rat deterrence, didn’t seem to be working….
In fact it seem to attract them!
No 10 Fancy Dress Party…..Oh you came as a swine too!
lol…you wanna hear a good piggy joke?…it is about the piggy and his goods and services taxes
we really must get tougher on tax evasion
my left hand does not know what my right hand is doing…compartmentalization is the way to go
….and one rule for the rich and another for the poor
…i see we have an understanding
It’s so damn hard to pick a winner from the wit displayed here. Give me a minute…. OKAY I choooooose Colonial Viper again!
Short, sharp and succinct yet not giving away the fact he would be happy to be piggy in the middle of a Key / Cameron sandwich.
The rest of you need to up your game. You only evinced moderate chuckles, not great gasping belly laughs. Toodles 🙂