Crusher Collins to launch McPrisons

Written By: - Date published: 8:47 am, July 16th, 2009 - 18 comments
Categories: humour, law and "order" - Tags: , ,

Crusher Collins to launch McPrisons(TM)
Clearly envious of the regular stream of complimentary Happy Meals arriving at Paula Bennett’s Parliamentary office (Paula tells us she has already managed to collect seven out of the eight of the new Ice Age figurines), Crusher Collins has attempted to go one better than Bennett’s McJobs scheme with a themed initiative of her own – McPrisons.
Initially attracted by the idea of locking up prisoners in shipping containers, but frustrated by the lack of decent kickbacks from industry players, she hit upon the idea of locking them up in McDonald’s “Future Space” play equipment after seeing a toddler stuck in one of the transparent bubbles while driving through Newtown last week (pictured).
When questioned on the security of the untested plastic play equipment the minister responded that “deep ball pit moats around the periphery should keep prisoners safely contained” and with regard to rehabilitation, “the additional presence of Hamburgler should act as a constant reminder that crime doesn’t pay”.

Clearly envious of the regular stream of complimentary Happy Meals arriving at Paula Bennett’s Parliamentary office (insiders tell us she has already managed to collect seven of the eight of the new Ice Age figurines), Crusher Collins has attempted to go one better than Bennett’s McJobs scheme with a themed initiative of her own – McPrisons.

mcprisonInitially attracted by the idea of locking up prisoners in shipping containers, but frustrated by the lack of decent kickbacks from industry players, she hit upon the idea of locking them up in McDonald’s “Future Space” play equipment after seeing a child (pictured) stuck in one of the transparent bubbles while driving through Newtown in her Crown limo last week.

When questioned on the security of the untested plastic play equipment the minister responded that “deep ball pit moats around the periphery should keep prisoners safely contained” and with regard to rehabilitation, “the additional presence of Hamburgler should act as a constant reminder that crime doesn’t pay”.

18 comments on “Crusher Collins to launch McPrisons ”

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  1. toad 1
    16 July 2009 at 9:44 am

    How about a McDs in every prison Judith? So the crims get so fat they won’t be able to climb in wondows any more when they are eventually released.

    • Nicola 1.1
      16 July 2009 at 9:54 am

      Nah just build some motorways around the buildings. Then they won’t even go near, let alone climb in the windows

  2. Ianmac 2
    16 July 2009 at 9:53 am

    Future Space equipment – far too flash! A 44 gallon drum is wot the bastards deserve. 🙂

  3. Tim Ellis 3
    16 July 2009 at 10:07 am

    These constant infantile attacks on Ms Bennett really are getting tiresome.

    • Derek 3.1
      16 July 2009 at 10:08 am

      Harden up Tim. She’s not up to the job, everyone knows it. No need to have a cry about it, you lot knew this when you appointed her.

    • So Bored 3.2
      16 July 2009 at 10:15 am

      Tim, you have a lot of spare time. How about driving the car crusher Collins wants for boy racers cars and using it to crush the containers of recalcitrant prisoners. Silly idea? Yes, but no sillier than hers, and that is the point.

  4. all_your_base 4
    16 July 2009 at 10:13 am

    It was an attack on Collins’ impoverishment when it comes to implementing real solutions Tim. As another underpowered thinker, Bennett just got caught in the crossfire.

    On a brighter note at least someone’s doing the hard yards:

    http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10584828

    • Ianmac 4.1
      16 July 2009 at 10:26 am

      AYB. Yes well spotted. Sian Elias is a breath of fresh air but imagine the fuss from SSTrust etc who depend and feed on outrage.

      • Draco T Bastard 4.1.1
        16 July 2009 at 1:13 pm

        Governments on it already.

        • killinginthenameof 4.1.1.1
          16 July 2009 at 2:25 pm

          I wonder if Garth McVictim could explain to us how exactly the suggestion is corrupt, or did he just roll his nasty words dice again?

        • Rex Widerstrom 4.1.1.2
          16 July 2009 at 5:20 pm

          I’ll probably get booed from the cheap seats, but I’d have expected better from Simon Power. Honestly. His was one of the names I had on the positive side of the ledger in terms of Ministers not just able to handle their portfolios but likely to excel.

          Perhaps he’s been told not to look too smart, so as not to show up Collins. Or perhaps The Garrotte challenged him to a pssing contest and Simon came up short. Either way, a disappointing and particularly narrow-minded response.

          • killinginthenameof 4.1.1.2.1
            16 July 2009 at 6:14 pm

            Is it really any different from the multiple times that Key has suggsted what the Reserve Bank Governer should do with interest rates?

            • Rex Widerstrom 4.1.1.2.1.1
              16 July 2009 at 11:40 pm

              Yes it is.

              Power telling the Chief Justice to piss off and stand ready to obey the orders of her betters (the geniuses which comprise the National Cabinet and, before that, the Labour Cabinet) is akin to the Reserve Bank Governor telling the Minister of Finance he’s about to crash the economy and English dismissing him as someone with no right to an opinion, let alone a constitutional and moral duty to issue such a warning.

              Not that it’s right for politicians to try a bit of “nudge nudge, wink wink” to public servants, but they all do it. Most public servants ignore it. Certainly successive Governors have.

              But when a senior judicial officer quite rightly enters the debate as to whether her and her fellow judges ought to be legislatively bound to stuff our prisons to bursting, and gets told to zip it and sit in the corner it’s not only damned rude, it’s reckless.

  5. Brett 5
    16 July 2009 at 10:15 am

    Does Judith Collins receive kickbacks?
    If so that’s appalling and she should be removed from office

  6. Sting 6
    16 July 2009 at 10:31 am

    Forget Mc Prisons silly Candy Crusher, what about the appalling waiting list for convicted sex offenders into Kia Marama? 580 and rapidly rising. Disgusting, shows how much youi value children.Kiwi kids are continually let down by morons in government. This Minister has her priorities totally fucked up,

  7. BLiP 7
    16 July 2009 at 10:31 am

    Its actually not as silly as it sounds, from McDonald’s perspective anyway. I mean, what’s to stop the company from entering into a series of PPP’s with National to build a three storey building in every suburb – one floor for its day-to-day business, another for its training centre for our yoof, and the top floor for the prisoners – McDonalds, McKindy, and McNick.

  8. Mac1 8
    16 July 2009 at 7:57 pm

    BLiP, in the basement they could have McMorgue (saves on the carbon miles) and another floor for McDoc’s and McMeds, and yet another for McGyms.
    Mac1 (but no relation).

  9. BLiP 9
    17 July 2009 at 11:40 am

    R O T F L M A O – I suppose this is old news to youse but good work by The Standard keeping the word in common usage.

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