Will John Key stand for National in Tauranga

Written By: - Date published: 7:44 am, April 1st, 2022 - 32 comments
Categories: brand key, Christopher Luxon, john key, national, Satire - Tags:

The Standard has learned from a normally reliable source that John Key is considering seeking the National Party nomination for the Tauranga seat.

His motivation is dismay at Chris Luxon’s performance and the realisation that if National is ever to win power again it will not only have to solidify its support but reach an agreement with the Maori Party.  Clearly he does not think that Luxon will be able to do this.  And he is apparently dismayed at Luxon promising significant tax cuts for the rich while offering peanuts to the rest of us.

This is a quickly developing story and will be updated as further details come to hand.

32 comments on “Will John Key stand for National in Tauranga ”

  1. Ross 1

    You can fool some of the people all of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time. 🙂

  2. dv 2

    April first

  3. Puckish Rogue 3

    Hope you're happy with the number if heart attacks this headline has caused among your readers laugh

    • Ross 3.1

      You cannot be serious. Why would Key want to re-enter politics? And he sure as hell wouldn’t complain about tax cuts for the rich lol

  4. Peter 4

    The joke is a lovely one. Some seeing it in a second will be euphoric knowing he'd win Tauranga by about a million, two weeks after taking the seat would be leader and at the next election National would win 60+ seats.

    Like kids' stories, next would be, "Then I woke up."

  5. GreenBus 5

    April 1 can be cruel to the truth. Jonky not my fav guy, but I think he's almost worshiped by the right. Another nail in the coffin for Tauranga/Mount for me, glad I left. Used to be such a nice place.

  6. Mike the Lefty 6

    Ha ha!

    You had me believing it for a moment until I got to the bit about the tax cuts and then I remembered what day it was.

    Nice to see a traditional sense of humour here, so much contrast to The Daily Blog where all humour is associated with "woke".

    • Corey Humm 6.1

      "i see woke people everywhere"

      I think Bomber is an intelligent man with good takes and can be very funny at times.

      But everyone on the left is "woke " atm according to that blog.

      I've taken a break from it it's too negative about everything and I'm a filthy cynic.

      We need more humour and levity in politics that's for sure.

  7. Tiger Mountain 7

    Tauranga–a cultural and intellectual desert, with failed local Govt. to boot–runs on National Superannuation, personal super funds and minimum wage workers.

    Sirkey–pony puller extraordinaire and unflagging (geddit…) spruiker for international finance capital.

    April humour aside, little would surprise with the Natzos. They claimed Dirty Politics was Hager’s invention, but a look at the period from just 2020 onwards says otherwise. Classic re young Nat cyberbullying–“I know nothing…it wasn’t meeeee…it was my flatmate…”

  8. Incognito 8

    But is Sir John going to move into his electorate this time or will he pull the same cute stunt when he was the MP for Helensville? He didn’t even have a lifestyle block there and his little bach was in Omaha.

    • Macro 8.1

      But he did have an "office" next to the pub in Huapai.

      • Incognito 8.1.1

        It was within walking distance and before traffic in Huapai and on SH16 turned into a nightmare.

        • Macro

          before traffic in Huapai and on SH16 turned into a nightmare.

          Yes that's when we left. No more of taking one's life in one's hands every time you ventured out for a bottle of milk.

          • Incognito

            Yes, the area has changed a lot but not improved. I used to enjoy going there.

  9. NZSage 9

    Phew… wasn't until I read the comments I clicked. I even went to check other websites for confirmation!

    Naughty, the (negative) emotion that stirred within me was not good for my health.

  10. mac1 10

    "normally reliable source" was the flag…..but the satire does its job once again highlighting the basic issue that National has with its attraction for, and difficulty with discerning, troublesome talent.

  11. Anker 11
    • Pleassssssse not the hot dog picture🤮
    • Nic the NZer 11.1

      That photo was clearly doctored.

      Heres what happened. John was innocently explaining how the National Party donations system works using an analogy to one of those revolving clown heads you see at carnivals. Unfortunately somebody snapped a photo and then painted in a hotdog.

    • mary-a 11.2

      @ Anker (11) … Key sucking on a sausage, while fantasizing about pulling ponytails. The look says it all … Eww.

  12. Roy cartland 12

    I heard he was joining with Winston and presenting as a single male candidate.

  13. Patricia Bremner 13

    devil Too cute.

  14. KJT 14

    This is tempting fate.

    Reminds me of one April 1st when I started spreading around the most implausible rumour I could think of.

    Then we got a telegram confirming it was happening for real.

    I was accused of having a secret radio station linked to head office.

  15. Treetop 15

    Were Key to stand in Tauranga he would win it.

  16. tc 16

    Good one, much like the sitting member who's a similar type of joke.

  17. James Simpson 17

    Don't tempt fate.

    Remember when Roger Douglas climbed out of his coffin and came back to Parliament in 2008 to haunt us. He did fuck all while he was there for his second stint but it was still scary.

  18. John irving 18

    The last item on Djonkey's is President of Aotearoa where he gets to chose the flag

  19. Stuart Munro 19

    Very disturbing news – indicating, it seems, that ANZ is no longer a secure employer, and thus, maybe a bad place to leave one's money.

    I'm sure Key will breathe new life into the shambling corpse of National – NZ will need our own Shaun of the Dead. Maybe Taika Waititi can find time between the demands of filming Dr Who.

  20. Ffloyd 20

    John Key is a joke EVERY day. This ist won’t be his last. Thing is, he’s not funny. Odd. But not funny.

  21. Mike the Lefty 21

    The joke would be on us if he DID stand.

    But I don't think so, he's too busy making money with the Chow brothers, you know the ones who were running brothels in Auckland?

  22. mac1 22

    TS Eliot "The Waste Land"

    "April is the cruelest month……

    "I have heard the key

    Turn in the door once and turn once only

    We think of the key, each in his prison

    Thinking of the key, each confirms a prison

    Only at nightfall, aethereal rumours

    Revive for a moment a broken Coriolanus."

    Coriolanus is the name given to a Roman general after his military feats against the Volscians at Corioli. Following his success he seeks to be consul, but his disdain for the plebeians and the mutual hostility of the tribunes lead to his banishment from Rome. He presents himself to the Volscians, then leads them against Rome." Wikipedia.

    Beware the Kalends of April!

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