Luxon is deconstructing the plane while flying it
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5:57 pm, September 25th, 2024 - 8 comments
Categories: Christopher Luxon, humour, Satire -
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While working for Air NZ Luxon learned a thing or two about flying planes full of unwitting passengers. For example, he learned how to use the onboard intercom.
“Kia ora! This is your captain speaking, my name is Chris Luxon and I’m the captain during this flight, together with your two other captains Dave and Winnie.
“We’re currently facing strong headwinds because of the captain who flew this plane before me. Therefore, we’re forced to make a strong turn to the right to save fuel. The strong turbulence we’re experiencing during this flight is because of the ground crew who laboured on this plane before take-off leaving the wings flapping. Fortunately, the AI Copilot has been trained for all eventualities, passing 67% of all beta tests, which is above the target of 62%, and the plane is in the hands that manage it best.
“We apologise beforehand if we cannot serve the food of your preference because of our contract with a new catering service that forced us to cut back to $3 meals, but I highly recommend the fishy option served with a nice ice cream dessert with a thick gooey chocolate sauce from our celebrity chef Nicola Willis.
“Smoking and vaping are actively encouraged in the toilets when the smoking light is green, which is all the time, courtesy of our major sponsors.
“In case of an emergency, please follow the orange cones to the nearest exit and follow the instructions of the front-line crew if you can find them. But what I can tell you is that I have a safety parachute at my disposal.
“Please sit back and enjoy the rest of this speedy bumpy flight while you watch our online entertainment distractions. If you need any assistance, please contact our part-time head of cabin crew, Lester, who will deal with your requests if and when it suits him and me.
“We hope you’ll fly with us again in future if you can afford it and we’d appreciate it if you could provide feedback on the Curia questionnaire in the seat-pocket in front of you. On your way out, please spend as much of your precious money as possible on over-priced goods to support the poor sods who are working for overseas companies that have monopolised the shops at Auckland International Airport.
“Thank you for choosing us!
“Have a nice day!
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Kua hinga te manawa kairākau o Te Rua Tekau Ma Waru Tiwhatiwha te po! Kakarauru i te po! Ka rapuhia kei hea koe kua riro! Haere e te Ika a Whiro ki o tini hoa kua ngaro atu ki te Pō ...2 weeks ago
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The opposition parties stand united for an Aotearoa that honours Te Tiriti, rather than seeking to rewrite it. Labour, the Greens and Te Pāti Māori are working together against the Government’s divisive Treaty Principles Bill. ...2 weeks ago
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Tēnā koutou katoa – it is a pleasure to be here today. I would like to begin by acknowledging the important leadership role you all play in ensuring a quality health system New Zealanders can trust. There is enormous clinical expertise in this room covering a wide range of disciplines. ...2 days ago
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Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Stephanie Gomes-Ng, Senior Lecturer of Psychology, Auckland University of Technology Getty Images Former New Zealand prime minister John Key has three white rabbits painted on his helicopter, a nod to his “massively superstitious” habit of repeating “white rabbits” three times at ...6 hours ago
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The coalition has "absolutely no intention of listening to the evidence that comes out of their experiment", Labour MP says. ...7 hours ago
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Opinion: The immediate horror of nuclear weapon explosions – the blinding flash, crushing blast wave, and radioactive inferno – is well documented.But what nuclear-armed nations either don’t grasp or won’t admit, is far more chilling: how their weapons could devastate even countries thousands of kilometres from any mushroom clouds.The collapse ...8 hours ago
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Loading…(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){var ql=document.querySelectorAll('A[data-quiz],DIV[data-quiz]'); if(ql){if(ql.length){for(var k=0;k<ql.length;k++){ql[k].id='quiz-embed-'+k;ql[k].href="javascript:var i=document.getElementById('quiz-embed-"+k+"');try{qz.startQuiz(i)}catch(e){i.start=1;i.style.cursor='wait';i.style.opacity='0.5'};void(0);"}}};i['QP']=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)})(window,document,'script','https://take.quiz-maker.com/3012/CDN/quiz-embed-v1.js','qp');Got a good quiz question? Send Newsroom your questions.The post Newsroom daily quiz, Friday 22 November appeared first on Newsroom. ...8 hours ago
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Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Michelle Grattan, Professorial Fellow, University of Canberra Richard Marles is an ambitious man who hasn’t given up the dream of one day reaching the top job. But, despite being deputy prime minister, his profile is much lower than that of Treasurer Jim ...13 hours ago
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"Also please choose from our selection of AR15's from our stewardess Nicole McKee note also our super special on armour piercing ammunition"
Very good satire…….pity the reality is so painful and destructive…….
Thanks.
I was going to write an entirely different article but this just happened and I thought why not post it anyway.
So creative, and covers a lot of 'ground' – how low can ‘austerity Luxon’ go?
Cry 'Lobbyists!', 'LandLords!', and shove 'bottom feeders' out the door.
Re “Thank you for choosing us!"
"Thank you for choosing us"…
…not that you had much option. We've killed off ferries, regional rail and stifled public transport. Soon, you won't even be able to ride a bicycle on our watch.
It'll just be us and our road cronies
Is he flying the 'plane? It looks like his co-pilots have set the course, and we are in for an ugly bumpy ride and a bad landing.
Bugger me,
Incognito can have a laugh at the bent twisted sickness of it all.