RAW SHARK……THE CAFE, (a new t.v. pilot series) Episode One – “Shark Off”

After TV Two’s successful series of ‘allo, allo, allo, allo based at the Whale Oil Cafe, a pilot series “Raw Shark – the Cafe” will be screening on TV Two in October.  Written by cadet reporter, Tracy Whatshite each episode stars two left wing celebrities who are the staff of the day at Raw Shark.

This weeks special guest stars are Robyn Malcolm and Matt McCarten.

It is early morning in the Raw Shark Cafe and Robyn and Matt are drinking coffee and remembering  when the Raw Shark Cafe first opened in mid August and business was booming. Lately the only trade the cafe has seen is a group of Japanese tourists, mistakenly thinking that the cafe serves raw shark and Russell Norman on route by foot from Auckland Airport into the city.

MATT:  ”What has happened  to this cafe…  When it first opened it was the busiest cafe this side of the Harbour Bridge.  We had all the journalists coming here.  TV3, TV1, the Herald, the Dom Post.  What’s gone wrong?”

ROBYN:  “I am afraid they have all gone back to Whale Oil Cafe, the greasy spoon cafe in K’Rd.  It seems they didn’t like the taste of the food at Raw Shark.  They found it very bitter to swallow  and it left them feeling nauseous and frightened.  Apparently the food at Whale Oil Cafe is more to their taste.  Greasy and for most of them guilt free.   It apparently has the endorsement of Katherine Rich.”

MATT:   “God what are we to do! I may be out of a job soon.  We have got to bring the punters in.”

ROBYN:  “ Relax.  We are hosting a special luncheon today.   Its a campaign pitch to help Labour win in 2017.”

MATT;  “Cunliffe, Robertson and Shearer to launch their leadership campaign? Here at Raw Shark?”

ROBYN: “No its not the Labour Party.  It’s a PR company who a holding a focus group with the media.  They are testing their campaign ideas.”

MATT: “So the media are coming back to Raw Shark!”

ROBYN:  “Yes but not to eat from the Raw Shark menu……………..anyway, we better go and shift some crates of champagne.”  Gets up and exits to the back room to begin putting the champagne on ice.

Later on that day a group of  tv breakfast hosts sit around the cafe sipping champagne. The door to the cafe opens and in walks……………….Susanah and Trinny!  The group breaks into spontaneous applause.

SUSANNAH:  “It’s good to be here down under.  Many of you are likely expecting an episode of What not to Wear.  And in a way that’s what we are here for.  We are here to make over The Labour Party so they win in 2017.”

TRINNY:  “Yes we feel it time for a change for Labour.  For although red can be sexy, its just not pulling the right people.  Our plan is to dumb Labour down so we can pull more voters from the right and guarantee victory for Labour in 2017.

SUSANNAH:  “We will appeal to various demographics but in particular, men, youth and people interested in fashion.  It hinges on the election of a new leader and a new campaign slogan.”

SUSANAH:   “I can now announce the name of Labour’s campaign 2017 will be (clicks onto the first slide)……….”Vote Selfie-ish“.  We think it  captures the motivation of many on the right and is likely to capture those pesky centre right voters.”

Breakfast t.v. presenters applause!

SUSANNAH:  “And given this, the Labour politician most likely to appeal  is”  clicks new slide .…………….”Jacinda Ardern.  We believe she is someone we can really make over to have mass appeal to the New Zealand voting public. Trinny and I will  fly in to do a What not to Wear special with her.”

TRINNY:   ” It will of course feature Susannah telling Jacinda what fabulous anatomy she has and how she needs to accentuate it in Prada.”

SUSANNAH:  “Viewers will be invited to text vote for Jacinda’s best look.  The show will culminate with a comparison of “who wore it best”, Jacinda or Kate the Duchess of Cambridge.”

TRINNY:  “We then hand Jacinda over to be the star in what will be a New Zealand first, a series of the “The Bachelorette”.  The show will run for  the 150 weeks up till the next election. 150 men will vie for the possibility of becoming Mr Jacinda Ardern. Each week Jacinda will go on dates with these men and present a red rose  to those who aren’t voted off. The bachelors will include a contingent from rural Middlemarch, with the aim of increasing the rural vote.”

TRINNY:  “And we can now announce that “The Bachelorette”  will be hosted by local Journalist…………….Debra Cone-Hill”

Wild rapturous applause ensues 

SUSANNAH:  “But wait there’s more!  We will have Jacinda attend a range of events such as fashion week and tour with the All Blacks during the Rugby World Cup in 2016”.

Further rapturous applause!

TRINNY:  “And we have a very special announcement to make about the 2017 campaign launch. Jacinda will to fly to Los Vegas where she will meet with Kim Kardasian to launch her own line of handbags and jewellery, called Jaz.”

Wild rapturous applause and standing ovation!

SUSANNAH:  “We are convinced with this strategy, Jacinda will get more selfies than John Key.   Even the All Blacks will begin to think of a selfie with John Key as embarrassing and well frankly something to be ashamed of!”

MATT:  “But what about changing labour laws, improving the minimum wage and strengthening unions?”

SUSANAH:  “Our market research shows it is best not to mention policy to New Zealand voters. It seems it is too deep for them to comprehend.”

ROBYN M:  But what about the environment?”

TRINNY:  “I am glad you mentioned that.  We have planned  for Seven Sharp to film Jacinda swimming with whales in the latest Moontide swimsuits in the week leading up to the election.  We believe this will capture some National voters who might have voted Green.”

SUSANNAH:  “So everyone!  What do you think?”

MATT:   “Shark Off!”

Disclaimer:  Senior Journalist Susan Nact would like to distance herself from the sexism in this article, which was mostly penned by cadet reporter Tracy Whatsite.  The article is not intended at all to be a reflection on Ms Ardern’s skills and professionalism but a total reflection of the sophistication of the New Zealand voter.  Our apologies to Ms Ardern if any offence has been given.  

Susan Nact would also like it to be known that she has organised a feminist consciousness raising group for Tracy Whatshite.