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ACC killed Kennedy says Smith

Written By: - Date published: 6:39 pm, March 14th, 2009 - 18 comments
Categories: ACC, humour - Tags:

Fresh on the heels of allegations ACC has blown-out and is likely to decimate New Zealand’s credit rating, Accident Compensation Minister Nick Smith has revealed he has evidence of the public insurance scheme’s involvement in the assassination of loved American President John F. Kennedy.

The revelations were announced by Smith in select committee late this afternoon and followed his chloroforming of ACC Chief Executive Jan White – a move Labour described as “an unusual interpretation of select committee traditions.”

According to Smith independent sources have confirmed the compensation scheme was present on the grassy knoll at the time of Kennedy’s shooting and was likely to be the culprit. “There is substantial evidence that it was in fact ACC that fired the fatal shot.”

Asked to provide evidence of ACC’s involvement in the Kennedy assassination Smith responded “look, you didn’t ask for evidence when we said our tax package would benefit middle New Zealand, why are you being picky now? Quick! Look over there! John’s hanging out with a bollywood star!”

Labour shadow minister David Parker described the claim as “simply another attempt to undermine ACC”. However Smith rejected the allegation as “sour grapes”. “Look this is just sour grapes. The last government knew all about ACC’s participation in this assassination and did nothing to prevent it. Nobody but a bitter and absurd conspiracy theorist would claim I was attempting to undermine ACC. Sour grapes, did I say that already?”

“I am a great supporter of the Woodhouse principles of ACC,” stated Smith, “and if we need to sell the whole system to McDonalds to achieve those participles then so be it.”

When asked to explain the Woodhouse principles Smith declined comment.

18 comments on “ACC killed Kennedy says Smith ”

  1. brilliant headline IB

  2. IB: While I don’t always agree with your politics, there is nothing wrong with your sense of humour!

    Brilliant Mate


  3. lprent 3

    If it wasn’t a case of art imitating reality…

    NZ Herald Gatecrasher Smith puts meeting in spin

    A gatecrashing by ACC Minister Nick Smith yesterday quickly turned an otherwise routine meeting into another scene in the ongoing political imbroglio over the scheme.

    Dr Smith turned up unannounced at a select committee hearing on ACC and then talked over its chief executive, leading to accusations of “bizarre behaviour”, “bullying” and “gagging” from Labour.

    The transport and industrial relations select committee was meeting for ACC’s financial review and was to be addressed by its chief executive, Jan White, and new chairman John Judge, appointed only on Monday after Dr Smith sacked Ross Wilson.

    Mr Judge could not make the meeting but instead of being replaced by another of the board’s members, Dr Smith decided to stand in, even though he was not minister during the 2007-08 year in question.

    Dr Smith has already been accused of gagging the board, but he went further at yesterday’s meeting by interrupting Dr White as Labour MPs tried to question her about ACC’s financial position.

    This guy is totally nuts. Essentially he wanted to try and control the debate so much that he has started to try to override parliament. Mind you that is in the now strong anti-democratic tradition of the NACT government.

    Also peek at

    Tumeke Daddy State gags ACC by gatecrashing select committee

    No Right Turn A manufactured “crisis”

  4. Nick C 4

    Wow, dont quit you day job (if you have one) to go into satire is all i can say.

    • IrishBill 4.1

      I don’t intend to. That said, didn’t I ban you?

    • Tim Ellis 4.2

      You might not have laughed Nick, but I did, and so did most of the commenters here by the looks of it. Top stuff IB.

  5. Ianmac 5

    A Mr Smith was later seen on a street corner crying hysterically ” The coming of the end is near! Repent all those who use ACC! Repent you sinners, who would deny the wrath of the Minister! Repent for I knoweth and I will taketh. Repent I say!”
    When asked which Smith was he, his eyes bulged, his face reddened and he vanished in a puff of smoke.

  6. CMR 6

    Socialism killed Kennedy!

  7. DeeDub 7

    Don’t we all wish THIS Mr. Smith would fuck off to Washington? Or anywhere actually…

  8. Tane 8

    Brilliant bro, brilliant.

  9. BLiP 9

    Did anyone spot the deliberate mistake on Page 3 in today’s Herald?

    ACC’s outstanding claims liability was to some extent a theoretical figure as the Government-owned agency was not a commercial insurer and not required to return a profit.

    I guess as far as APN is concerned it’s all a done deal.

  10. Paul Robeson 10

    sometimes I feel like a motherless child…do we have to wait this time until everything is hoicked on the cheap to overseas before people get wise to this shit?

    • the sprout 10.1

      well people sure aren’t going to get very wise to National listening to the msm

  11. SeaJay 11

    Paul Robeson, this is just the beginning, give these Men as much rope as they ask for as they weigh our anchor. IB – better satire than the dimpast, ACC – death by a thousand Nicks?
    captcha: porters cuban, sounds yummy

  12. Paul Robeson 12


    How is the rest of the media not picking up on this?

    “All the information in this column comes from widely available sources, including ACC’s briefing to the incoming minister, dated November 2008.”

    and looking at where this is sitting in the posts there is so much going on that the vandalism is being buried.

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