Fresh on the heels of allegations ACC has blown-out and is likely to decimate New Zealand’s credit rating, Accident Compensation Minister Nick Smith has revealed he has evidence of the public insurance scheme’s involvement in the assassination of loved American President John F. Kennedy.
The revelations were announced by Smith in select committee late this afternoon and followed his chloroforming of ACC Chief Executive Jan White – a move Labour described as “an unusual interpretation of select committee traditions.”
According to Smith independent sources have confirmed the compensation scheme was present on the grassy knoll at the time of Kennedy’s shooting and was likely to be the culprit. “There is substantial evidence that it was in fact ACC that fired the fatal shot.”
Asked to provide evidence of ACC’s involvement in the Kennedy assassination Smith responded “look, you didn’t ask for evidence when we said our tax package would benefit middle New Zealand, why are you being picky now? Quick! Look over there! John’s hanging out with a bollywood star!”
Labour shadow minister David Parker described the claim as “simply another attempt to undermine ACC”. However Smith rejected the allegation as “sour grapes”. “Look this is just sour grapes. The last government knew all about ACC’s participation in this assassination and did nothing to prevent it. Nobody but a bitter and absurd conspiracy theorist would claim I was attempting to undermine ACC. Sour grapes, did I say that already?”
“I am a great supporter of the Woodhouse principles of ACC,” stated Smith, “and if we need to sell the whole system to McDonalds to achieve those participles then so be it.”
When asked to explain the Woodhouse principles Smith declined comment.