Caption competition

Written By: - Date published: 12:00 pm, April 11th, 2015 - 86 comments
Categories: caption contest, humour, The Standard - Tags:

Mark Weedon John Key

86 comments on “Caption competition ”

  1. NZJester 1

    In a thought bubble above his head. (boy I’m nervous. I fell like the devil is behind me and breathing down my neck)

  2. mickysavage 2

    Luke I am your father …

  3. ropata 3

    TV3’s new soap: “Working For Satan”

    (stolen from )

    • weka 3.1

      Heh, was just about to suggest a competition on what Julie Christie’s new soap will be.

    • seeker 3.2

      “The Screwyou tape Letters” mini series for tv 3 (with apologies to C.S.Lewis).

  4. pohutukawakid 4

    The organ grinder and the monkey!
    Which is which?

  5. happynz 5

    What’s it with middle-aged slightly balding Kiwi blokes and the tousled hair look? Whaddya reckon he spent over $200 for that haircut?

  6. swordfish 6

    Weldon: “Mr Key usually has his hand up my arse as a precaution. But tonight he says he’s feeling confident enough to let me go solo.”

  7. Stickler 7

    When I said I’d watch his back, I didn’t mention I was looking for a place to stick the knife….

  8. Incognito 8

    John Key Mark I and Mark too.

  9. Clemgeopin 9

    “Quality doesn’t matter. It is all about the quantity. The bum does look big in there!”

  10. tracey 10

    “I want to run my hands through his gently wavy hair, while we swim in a pool of cash.”

  11. Penny Bright 11


    A ‘no hands’ sock puppet!

    Penny Bright

    • burt 11.1

      If this guy lived in his own freehold house, paid no taxes and no rates while telling other wealthy people they should pay more tax – would he be a hero to you for acting just like you do ?

      • Tracey 11.1.1

        how much tax do you reckon Weldon pays?

        • burt


          If he has a freehold house in Auckland then he’d be wealthy by anyone’s measure. If he was wealthy and banging on that wealthy people should pay more tax while paying none himself then I’d call him a fraud – like I do with Penny ( I’m a hard core left who is wealthy and pay no tax ) Bright.

          • felix

            How do you know how much tax Penny pays?

            • burt

              She stated it when pressed in a blog post on kiwiblog. She actually went as far as mocking me saying I was jealous she had a freehold property while I was renting. She’s a class act lefty that one.

              • felix

                Stated what?

                • burt

                  Find out for yourself try this search in google;

                  ‘burt penny jealous freehold house’

                  Vary them to include/exclude; tax, rates, government funded services, multi national banks, google, fraud of a lefty, freehold, occupy

                  and see what you can find.

                  Otherwise – ask her. On other blogs she’s readily admitted paying no tax and refusing to pay her rates. Perhaps on this blog Penny like to keep up her charade that she is a lefty rather than a wealthy individual contributing nothing while demanding others don’t act like she does.

                  • felix

                    Sorry burt, I thought you said you knew how much tax she paid. Now you want me to figure it out for you?

                    How much tax is she supposed to be paying anyway? And how would you know?

                    • burt

                      There is no point in me telling you – you’re going to ignore my information anyway. I’ve said she pays no tax, she’s got every right to argue that – I don’t see her denying it on this blog.

                      But just for you I’ll ask her every time I see her post on this blog and lets see if she can confirm or deny it for you. Best I can do given you’re so selective in what you believe that you aren’t even prepared to acknowledge your preferred political ideology has ended in tears every time its been tried in NZ for the last 50+ years.

                    • felix

                      I’m having trouble following that.

                      Are you saying you do know how much tax she’s supposed to be paying?

                      Or you don’t?

                    • burt

                      Sorry burt, I thought you said you knew how much tax she paid. Now you want me to figure it out for you?

                      You’re making shit up as you go now felix.

                      I said she pays no tax – you asked how I know. I told you. You didn’t want to listen and now you think I’m asking you to figure it out when I told you you could verify it with her yourself.

                      I picking you don’t care if she pays no tax and owns a freehold property because she supports the same failed ideology as you and the fact she behaves like a hard core capitalist is OK with you.

                    • felix

                      Yeah, I know you said she pays no tax.

                      I’ve been asking how you know how much tax she’s supposed to be paying.

                      Also I have no problem with people owning houses freehold and I can’t imagine why you would either.

                    • ropata

                      In burt-world, you can’t have assets and vote Left.
                      He seems to think that a dog-eat-dog society is the only option.

              • ropata

                If you’re renting then a vote for National is a vote for worse housing affordability and worse rental conditions. Have you been following any news in the last 6 years or have you taken a few too many #teamkey enemas?


                And here’s more on National’s priorities:

                $400 MILLION TO FEED NZ COWS "yes' …..$100 MILLION TO FEED NZ KIDS 'no" #TEAMKEY— André Hock (@transparency_a1) March 18, 2015

                #NotNational #Northland #DirtyPolitics #TeamKey— Paul Le Comte (@five15design) March 19, 2015

                $1.5 billion to refit navy with new torpedoes and upgrading ammunition for their guns…… hungry Kids get a raincoat and an apple #teamkey— André Hock (@transparency_a1) March 18, 2015

          • weka

            “If he has a freehold house in Auckland then he’d be wealthy by anyone’s measure.”

            I have relatives in Auckland who have freehold houses. They’re middle class and no more wealthy than relatives who live elsewhere in NZ. They’re just old and bought and paid off their mortgage in a time when that was normal in that area. Please be careful about how you attach judgements.

  12. Penny Bright 12

    Mark – my words ….

    Penny Bright

  13. JanM 13

    If you’re not going to be nice to my little friend you can just go away, so there!

  14. ruup 14

    ‘…..and you can’t even see my lips moving….”

  15. emergency mike 15

    “I for one welcome our new NACToid overlords.”

  16. Only one thing missing in that photo.

    The door sign, Tosser Club In. Members Only.

  17. burt 17

    So those who want this leftard clap trap show and are prepared to put your own money behind it raise your hands ? anyone ? Anyone at all ?

    • ropata 17.1

      i dunno, do you think journalists should question the State or should they just be part of its PR machine?

      when will you stop licking keys butt burt?

      • burt 17.1.1

        Of course they should question the state. But I think you are confused. TV3 isn’t a state run monopoly where dear leader calls the shots. It’s a business and Campbell’s ratings are shit. See in your ideal lefty ( guaranteed to fail ideology ) there is no notion of questioning the state – lucky we don’t have your preferred political system fully implemented eh.

        • ropata

          Campbell isn’t “left” you fool, and my preferred political system is one that is accountable and honest, not a pack of capitalist bankster cronies selling off the future of NZ. Do you have a moral compass or is that for sale like everything else in the Nactoid universe?

          • burt

            Campbell isn’t “left” you fool…

            We’re not in Guatemala now ropata…

            … and my preferred political system is one that is accountable and honest, not a pack of capitalist bankster union cronies selling ripping off the future of NZ. workers to fund highly paid politicians.

            Are we having fun doing talking points yet ?

            But seriously – if Campbell isn’t the sweat heart of the left – why are only left wing blogs crying over his potential axing ?

            I guess it could be nothing to do with his political view other than he appears to join her majesties loyal (unthinking) opposition being against the nasty evil baby eating John Key.

            • ropata

              Your last sentence is surprisingly showing a glimmer of understanding.
              Campbell is one of the few TV journos not tarred by the Dirty Politics scandal.
              It’s not a left-vs-right thing, it’s about ethical journalism and reporting things that matter to Kiwis not the latest Beehive spin.

              I wouldn’t trust any journalist who just nods and goes along with whatever lines are spun from leaders like Bliar, Bush, or John P Key.

              As for why the right wing outlets aren’t complaining, you work it out.

            • North

              So succinct in your last paragraph Burt. Succinct most times means the guts of the matter. Thanks….

        • felix

          “See in your ideal lefty corporate ( guaranteed to fail already failing almost everybody ideology ) there is no notion of questioning the state gods of the market – lucky we don’t quite have your preferred political system fully implemented just yet eh.”

          Oh this is fun. retrospectively 😀 editing burt’s brainfarts.

        • North

          But of course Burt’s definition of that wonderful democratic institution the right “to question” is to go no further than this – once every two years slightly raise one eyebrow. And with the heel of a hand smash it back into line so no one will notice and report the ghastliness of it to The GodKey’s Top Drawer.

          ‘Cept sorry Burt…….the story is that nowadays no one’s reporting back. Anyone who might is too busy assessing his/her political odds in these days of impending George III. No shortage of cocktail party grimaces however, as per usual. Look for more fuck-ups. Not that the Theist Being and the inner–cabal would listen if they were told. It’s called third-termitis.

          There’s only sadness in this for you Burt. Macrame, as a suggestion…….?

  18. Clemgeopin 18

    “My work is almost done! I have destroyed state assets, destroyed privacy, destroyed state education, destroyed adult community education night classes, destroyed railways, destroyed ethics in government, destroyed truth and honesty, destroyed surplus, destroyed MMP and I have destroyed democracy among other things. I have one more thing to do before I bugger off to USA, Mark. I need you to help me here : Destroy that courageous caring journalist, the thorn on our side, that ‘little creep!”

  19. mary_a 19

    “Spin that bullshit boy and spin it good. Ya hear? “Ya ol’ pappy John is a watchin’ ya boy.”

  20. Kevin 20

    What’s the prize?

  21. mac1 21

    “Bling it on!” How to sit modestly whilst still showing off the matching gold cufflinks and watch.

  22. Ffloyd 22

    Another spineless sycophant under my spell. God they’re so easy. G’wan my son, make me proud. Don’t like you but you’re useful.

  23. Treetop 23

    Freedom of speech is not alive and well on Campbell Live.

    Campbell knows what poverty is, Key does not.

    The competition avoids the real John Key.

  24. Clemgeopin 24

    “You are a numbers man, John. What is the ‘number’ for Winston Peters to win the Northland buy election, John?”

    “Ah, that is easy! Zero! “

  25. joe90 25

    It’s the Chuck and Dave show.

  26. Trainman 26

    Hey Mark I didn’t like being called to account by Campbell so now sort it

  27. Anne 27

    People have been talking about current affairs lately. I want to categorically deny that I am having a current affair. Indeed I have not had one since I married.

  28. bernard 28

    I`ve got your back,Mark

  29. Michael 29

    They do make a lovely couple.

  30. Skinny 30

    Us rats must stick together too much anti MSM poison being sprayed. Did Campbell drink the 1080 cocktail we served him?

  31. Weepus beard 31

    That hair, Mark. Is it Regaine, or Advanced Hair?

  32. weldon – this is my sincere telling the truth face
    key – mine too

  33. “Ladies and gentlemen, I am just gonna state the obvious: we have a doppelgänger in our midst.”

  34. Incognito 34

    Dudes, I’m so ripped right now that I have a 6-pack on my forehead and John can’t see it!

  35. Rob 35

    The unsmiling assassin

  36. Incognito 36

    Let’s be clear, the Jono and Ben show is not a euphemism for John Key and Paula Bennett on the campaign trail in Northland.

  37. peterh 37

    I will be watching you, look after Paul, and try and get Mike on board

  38. Stuart Munro 38

    “My name is Mark, and I’ve been sober for about fifteen minutes…”

  39. ropata 39

    “And for my next trick, I am going to fart in your general direction!”

  40. cogito 40

    “The Two Piranhas”, NZ’s new **REAL** reality show, where the Two Piranhas unleash chaos and mayhem in the newsroom as they aim for total media control.

  41. b waghorn 41

    I’m so proud of my mini me right now I could just hug him to bits.
    ( thinks key)

  42. rod 42

    Some people may say that TV3’s News and Current Affairs will be fully controlled by the National Government and it’s lackey’s and puppets. I couldn’t possibly comment,

  43. North 43

    “Yeah well Wegewege called from Florida – near Cuba. Said John needed a hand so I came straight down. Oh he’s OK, don’t worry about it. He’s Just sulking. Winston called him a 13,000 vote epic-fail-fuckwit and it’s taking time……you know,…..expunge the facts.”

    “Anyway, let me introduce the Prime Minster Mr ShonKey Python…….fresh from Melbourne – near Northland.”

  44. Atiawa 44

    I’m the ‘block, he’s the butcher.

  45. Chrys Berryman 45

    “oh shit I don’t have a pulse,Mark help me here,I don’t have a pulse!!!….shit if I hav’nt got a pulse it means I don’t have a heart!!!!,god Mark this means I’m a heartless neo lib like you……

  46. cogito 46

    Weldon: “never mind the truth, count the money”

  47. freedom 47

    “I don’t even have a phone”

  48. Ecosse_Maidy 48

    Thank you I am honoured to have finished second in Bastard of The Year competition…

    Yet I can now reveal the winner is………………

  49. Ecosse_Maidy 49

    CEO Keys, What a fooking rank amateur,,,,,
    Just look at him, he ain’t no professional,,,,,
    ,Hes lying without the use of a auto cue….

    How damn demeaning to our profession!!!!

  50. Ecosse_Maidy 50

    Okdokey,,,,The Replacement for Jeremy Fartson is…..

  51. Ecosse_Maidy 51

    Keys thinking………………………….Hell calls himself a member of the conservative elite……There is no way that suit is anywhere near an Armani…….what cheap shit

  52. Ecosse_Maidy 52

    Thank you all for your good wishes,,,,,now John and I are going to enjoy our civil partnership, at your expense with a 2 week golfing honeymoon in Hawaii…

  53. Ecosse_Maidy 53

    Dunce Keys,,, ermm what that sign on his back,,,Kick Em? Ermmmm what is that? oh well it means nothing, i will do my usual nothing

  54. Ecosse_Maidy 54

    Clash Of The “Tie”tans……Yellow Or Blue,,Your Choice or A Referendum

  55. Ecosse_Maidy 55

    CEO Keys, Ha Talk all you like, I pull your strings, you upstart….!

    Ghostly Banker/Business/Elite, Figue Behind Genrillismo Keys,,,,

    Ha!!! Look Smug all you like, we pull your strings Keys…!

  56. Ecosse_Maidy 56

    Lynton Diahorrea Stains Crosby,,, makes rare public appearance behind Keys

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