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Caption contest

Written By: - Date published: 2:04 pm, August 4th, 2014 - 93 comments
Categories: caption contest - Tags: ,

key-caption

93 comments on “Caption contest”

  1. ropata 1

    Yes Lord Keyster, with this small implant we will replace the non functional parts of your brain with direct instructions from Galatic Emperor Jamie Dimond [CEO of JP Morgan]

  2. minarch 2

    shit…..

    his battery packs come unplugged !

  3. ruup 3

    There that should do it….Now the strings are invisible again.

  4. ruup 4

    careful … we don’t want you to actually be able to hear the peasants.

  5. Tiger Mountain 5

    right; this tiny invisible strip will keep your rug snug JK, no worries…

  6. minarch 6

    just needs a few final touches before we send it off to the madame Tussauds “crooks and villains” exhibition

  7. AB 7

    I’m installing Crosby Textor spin cartridge no. CT-FO/714. It won’t hurt, but will feel a bit strange at first when you start speaking in coherent sentences. This is the foreign ownership module. This cartridge is incompatible with CT-BF/001 the ‘Brighter Future’ module which I’ve uninstalled. So steer clear of that topic, but if you can’t, then CT-DC/031 will fire up and you will just be able to say David Cunliffe is tricky and hates men.
    OK- all good now

    • weka 7.1

      very good.

    • swordfish 7.2

      Nicely done, AB.

      In this little scene, we see Malcolm unsuccessfully trying to install a new Crosby/Textor cartridge into the android PM…

      Malcolm (to work colleague, Keith, off-camera) “Ah, Keith, how the hell do you get this thing to work ?”

      Keith “Oh shit, what have you done, Malcolm ?”

      Malcolm “I’ve hardly touched it ! I was just very carefully installing the new cartridge into it, completely according to the instruction booklet – absolutely followed it step-by-step ! And then….well… look at it !, the dumb thing’s just suddenly stopped, completely frozen, arms in mid-air !”

      Keith “Ahhh shit !, well, look mate, all I know is: this android was the latest model, right ?, and I mean absolutely bloody state-of-the-art, when Crosby/Textor first purchased it in 2002. It’s needed one or two tweaks over the years, especially after it made a hash of the 2011 campaign, but overall it’s been working pretty bloody well since it became Prime Minister and now you’ve just gone and fucked it up ! I mean, Christ !, you do realise it’s got a current affairs interview in about an hour’s time and then a press conference tomorrow morning. What the hell are we gonna do ?”

  8. yr nsa-implant has slipped..and is showing..

  9. woops..!..rug-crisis..!

  10. key:..’bloody huawei..!’..

  11. Roy 11

    It’s okay, he’s just a simple clockwork model. That’s why he is called ‘Key’. I’ll soon get him smiling and waving again.

  12. key:..’is it still under warranty..?’..

  13. key:..’i told bronagh i should have got the deluxe-model..!’..

  14. man:..’now..say after me…’israel good..arabs bad’..!’

  15. the poli-tron 3 gets a tune-up..

  16. man:..’now..try and walk and chew at the same time..’

  17. passer-bye gets in keys’ ear…

  18. man:..’you’ve some big-mac in yr ear..’

  19. key:..’this is the best way to use yr hands..in a group circle-jerk’..

  20. Nate 20

    Now… just connect this wire… and the drone will be operational again!

  21. idlegus 21

    unidentified guest gets thrown out on his ear

  22. Stuart Munro 22

    You’ve a scale showing … got it.

  23. Jackal 23

    “We’ll just tape down your toupée with a bit of gaffa so the wind doesn’t catch it Prime Minister”.

  24. lprent 24

    Step1: Power down
    ….
    Step 5: Insert brain.
    Step 6: Turn on power.
    Step 6: Press reset switch.

  25. NZJester 25

    Now remember John, when someone asks you a question, pause for a moment and wait for the correct answer you should reply to be passed to you through this ear piece I’m putting in.

  26. Misc 26

    Figure 7: Primate social grooming behaviour

  27. ropata 27

    This chip is a massive RAM upgrade to the DevilTech® PoliticoBot™ KY-800
    From 64 to a whole 128 kilobytes ! And overclocked at 200 mHz !!!
    Able to multi-task up to 3 programs:
    – basic OS (breathing, mumbling, obfuscating)
    – muldoon v2.0 (wasteful spending, hamming up for cameras)
    – rogernome v3.0 (appearance of moderation whilst slashing and selling sovereign assets)

  28. joe90 28

    Just hold still John, Lord Ashcroft has requested that I insert a wee something….

  29. key:..’this is my colin craig impersonation..pretty good..!..eh..?..’

  30. man:..’it..!..it looks like something out of ‘alien’..!..’

  31. man:..’there’s a used condom in yr ear..!’..

  32. ruup 32

    It was great of the N.S.A to give us an update on our Hymie robot from the Get Smart days!

  33. man:..’yr ayn rand is showing..!’

  34. Te Reo Putake 34

    It’s the latest thing from the states, Prime Minister. It’s called Google Ass. Ah, fits perfectly.

  35. Dramaticus 35

    Yes you will be able to listen as well as you hear, Heir Key come election day, to the sound of a Labour Victory

  36. risildowgtn 36

    Now PM, I know it sucks but as youre incapable to sticking to what we tell you to say.. when you dont. you will get a couple hundred volts to keep you on track

  37. aerobubble 37

    National+Maori+United+ACT government falling apart, whose going to be talking in his ear now?

  38. aerobubble 38

    Recommend a picture of Key, glasses on, double chin showing as he looks down at his papers while sitting in parliament. Looking old and tired. Why do his opponents always show his best PR picture?

    • aerobubble 38.1

      I mean Goff on the motorbike. Cunliffe bent forward sitting next to Mahota at the hustings. Why no Key images of off camera debranding.

  39. minarch 39

    John Key demonstrates his ” Popping & Locking” to attract the youth vote

    “spin on your hands
    now spin on your knees
    spin on your head and now freeze”

  40. tricledrown 40

    Better insert the memory stick today

  41. Yes, well, it may indeed be uncomfortable PM but if you want another proctologist then just get one.

  42. Weepus beard 42

    John Banks has to do this himself.

  43. key:..’goody..!..an upgrade..!’…

  44. key:..’did you know that i was made in the same factory in the desert outside phoenix arizona..

    ..that they shot the moon-landing in..?’..

  45. Clemgeopin 45

    ‘Ha, ha, I found some more wax for Banks!’

    • ianmac 45.1

      Imagine Key being unable to get his own earwax for a feed. The helper is called Waxman.

  46. reptilian shape-shifter gets ear cleaned by lackey..

  47. felix 47

    Have you tried turning it off and on again?

  48. The Real Matthew 48

    New Zealand’s greatest ever Prime Minister gets ready for a television interview?

  49. man:..’has banksie been foraging in here again..?

    ..it’s been cleaned right out..’

  50. Tom Jackson 50

    “Screw the babel fish! Where’s my fucking towel?!?!”

  51. David H 51

    Alright. Who took the memory out?

  52. Instauration 52

    We have this solution for Middle NZ Ear.
    It’s called Eustachian Glue. We will only apply this to your right ear – the left doesn’t matter.

  53. Instauration 53

    Total deafness averted – Key’s left ear already lame by severance -Vince the St John in the now in the van man applies emergency surgery to Key’s right ear, enough ! – said John , will my insurance cover this?

  54. Stuart Munro 54

    The incept date is 1961 – if we reduce cognitive function we can extend the lifetime. There may be some brain fades… but the light that burns half as bright burns twice as long… and this one never burned very bright to begin with.

  55. Flippant 55

    Is this really “Vote Positive”?
    C’mon people, you want to gain the politically central voters- keep the positive message, not this childish teasing/ bullying type enabling that you decry…

  56. Instauration 56

    Was that 100 rounds pertaining the Great Whore for the imperialists ?

  57. Flippant 57

    Why was my comment not posted? Was not nasty or unfair- was that the problem?
    Was genuinely pointing out this puts off us ‘centrist’ voters.. Id say same on “right wing” blogs….?

    [It was stuck in spam. The machine did it … MS]

    [lprent: Could also be that the system “knows” about you under a different name, and you have a ban. It is the most common reason.

    I guess you’ll find out as I don’t remove morans from the spam listing until I know that they aren’t banned or their sentence is up.

    Most of the time the self-evident stupidity that got them banned in the first place tends to show up over time. For a starter they tend to whine a lot Eh? ]

  58. McFlock 58

    This government brought to you by the people who bought you the Thunderbirds!

  59. disturbed 59

    Better let Labour win Sir, you know how bankrupt we are after lending 56 Billion we can never pay it back now!

  60. mikesh 60

    It’s just a touch of deafness caused by Joyce’s non-stop shouting. That’s the trouble with having Joyce as your right hand man.

  61. tricledrown 61

    One of Christine Rankins earings got stuck in Keys earlobe during secret pre election cup of tea coalition deal!
    ACT ACT guns were brought in to protect her from vapour trails.

  62. adam 62

    Everyone wants a slice of
    The jingoistic cake

  63. mac1 63

    “Well, Prime Minister, I can’t see the little man whose voice you can hear whispering “You’re going to lose!””

  64. dan1 64

    We’ve had a few problems with the AI on this one: the eyes go strange; he can’t shake hands and he lies all the time. I’ll just fiddle with the energiser battery!

  65. CeeH 65

    Freakin heck I can see thru to the other side!

  66. Treetop 66

    Can you find my chewing gum in there, I thought I stuck it behind my ear?

  67. Mr Skud Missile 67

    There you go darling, I’ll just dab this caviar off

    You have such symmetry to your humor John

    I mean, we are here to remember those who gave up their lives for their country and what do you do, you sell everything, I mean fxxkxxg everything in NZ, brilliant.

    It’s hilarious, you even down sized the NZDF and were just lucky enough to get those 2 cannons in the background off trade me in exchange for some Twinkies.

    I understand the symmetry of your humor, John, it’s just a reflection of the fact that there is nothing left to defend.

    Well, except us against the proletariat. We have to keep them working in those foreign owned factories and farms at low pay don’t we. A good show of force every now and again keeps them in tow (I think, they call it in your business, “leverage”).

    Don’t the banks win in all of this?

    Even with your strange quirk of sticking caviar in your ear,

    I will always love you Heir Leader

  68. poem 68

    Shit John, whats that? you’ve even got lies coming out of your ear, we’d better plug that up from view.

  69. Ecosse_Maidy 69

    With this new and improved Hearing Aide prime minster you will be able to hear again yet don’t worry it will filter out, all the screams of the poor, dispossessed . vulnerable,your political opponents and anything that smacks of the truth……………………………Excellent

  70. Ecosse_Maidy 70

    On The Set of Bladerunner Deux….Keys the actor was implanted with the latest Durrell Corporation chip date of 2007 & expiry date of September 2014

  71. Ecosse_Maidy 71

    Jesus H Christ that the last time I let Bennett Hag kiss me….she bit off my fucking ear…Hurrah Up Lacky,,,stick a new one on

  72. Ecosse_Maidy 72

    Ok,,,,,I have wound up the clockwork mechanism…your good to go now Keys

  73. Ffloyd 73

    Just a small prick. Will make a small incision, implant small brain, hopefully will be an improvement on your current non-existent one.

  74. georgecom 74

    no matter how many times we adjust it, we cannot get the pronunciation/anti slur setting correct on this model.

  75. Jenny 75

    The male version of Cherry 2000, Pollie 2000 comes to a grinding halt. Luckily, this time the back up chip was not hidden in the badlands, but available on line on discount at Trademe.

  76. trainman 76

    If you don’t fix it soon I will have to get that other MP with the earwax problem to come and fix it

  77. Byron 77

    “Excuse me Prime Minister, you have quite a bit of excess wax in your ear. Hold still while I pick it out for you. Now there will be no excuse for you to fall deaf on the calls of struggling New Zealanders.”

  78. kiwidave 78

    ah – the bullshit level needs adjusting

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