Fringe candidates: The spammer from the city of hot-air.

Written By: - Date published: 4:04 am, May 7th, 2009 - 10 comments
Categories: humour, mt albert - Tags:

Ok I give up, the craziest Mt Albert candidate isn’t John Boscawen urging National to declare support for an above-ground motorway in Waterview. That has to be a real vote winner for both Act and National in the electorate – yeah right! On the other-hand how far will National go to support Act? What is screwing up an electorate compared to doing it to a city? Besides which he is grossly exaggerating the reduced costs of an open cut.

He paled in insignificance compared to Dakta Green, who has been arrested 3 times this week for ‘alleged’ dope smoking in public. I can smell his innocence from here..

But no – that feat is totally eclipsed by the spammer from Wellington.

Mt. Albert’s favourite second cousin and arguably front running candidate Jackson James Wood today challenged the other aspirants to a duel at dawn atop the mighty heights of Mount Albert itself

‘Too long have mainstream journalists ignored my presence in this race—in fact, the NZPA went so far as to deny I even existed. They have forced me to begrudgingly realise I must go beyond Wikipedia and Facebook to stamp my mark on New Zealand politics. As such, I will be atop Mount Albert at ten am—dawn Brisbane time—on the sixth of June, armed with a slingshot, ready to take all comers.

‘The people of Mount Albert deserve someone who is going to lay down their life for the electorate and I am that person. By not accepting my challenge the other candidates would only prove that they’re nothing but a bunch of chickens.’

The press conference trailed off as Wood did a fine rendition of the chicken dance, replete with an expert imitation cluck.

When asked about the other candidates’ dueling abilities, Wood merely replied, ‘The only one I am worried about is Shearer. All that time in conflict zones means he might have picked up a few tricks.

‘Boscawen’s money won’t do him any good, as we all know who the mercenaries are backing here, and Russel Norman should only be an issue if he also tracks down the earth, wind, water, and heart rings required to summon Captain Planet.

‘My bet is that Melissa Lee won’t even turn up due to the risk of breaking fingernails, not to mention that her party leadership won’t be able to confirm her victory before the duel.

“I am however looking forward to a decent scrap with the Residents’ Action Movement.’

Wood’s campaign manager is currently in liaison with the other candidates to arrange a time to duel, choice of weapons, and potential terms of surrender.

Please – someone shoot this guy on sight if he approaches the border. I’m sure that all of the hot-air from down-country will cause wind erosion on the top of my favourite volcano.

hat-tip: All these stories on Scoop at the same time 😈

10 comments on “Fringe candidates: The spammer from the city of hot-air.”

  1. gingercrush 1

    Way off-topic. But wtf is with everything being in italics?

    Edit: Ok scratch that. Seems to be gone.

  2. MikeE 2

    Personally, I’d like to see ALL elections settled with a gentelmanly duel.

  3. John Dalley 3

    While am not adverse to the tunnel option, i am disturbed to see that the plan appears to show the tunnels coming from White Swan Rd not New North Rd as i would have thought. I would have thought tunnels that long would be fraught with danger from potential crashes, fires, etc.
    I’m not sure how many people realize that Hendon Park and Allan Woods Reserve are the designated route for the motorway at least to New North Rd.
    What i feel is the stagger incompetence of all previous Governments is that the housing and land was not purchased years ago for the rest of the motorway connection from New North Rd to Waterview.
    People may not also know that there is/was a designated corridor of land from Waterview to Te Atatu for a rail link which if still available could bring the Motorway connection further up the North Western Motorway and away from the “on ramp” at Pt Chev.

  4. Rich 4

    There are several road tunnels in Europe over 10km long.

    (and yes, they sometimes have crashes and fires, but they’re working on that:

  5. John Dalley 5

    The other puzzling aspect of the new SH20? link is that the opportunity to add a rail link from the West to the South was also not added and even if no tracks where added at this stage in the future, a rail or mono-rail line could be built.

  6. Imposter JJW 6

    Whats wrong with you guys? What a sad pathetic rant that was.

    Lumping me in with that joker Boscawen is ridiculous. I believe a monorail will be suffice to support the SH20 proposal, not another bloody motorway, NZ has too many of those. Rather we should drive our cars onto the platform and ‘whiz’ off you go, where you land at the other end.

    So i care to ask that you simply stop reading my press releases as you clearly don’t have a funny bone in that old body of yours Lynn. Otherwise i will be forced to shoot you!

    “Pistols at dawn”


  7. Daniel J Miles 7

    Sigh… For the second time, the previous poster is not Jackson…. It really is a horrendous waste of time to have to leave a comment every time someone posts impersonating Jackson, can we just assume that all further posts from anyone claiming to be Jackson are not Jackson… Jackson will not be posting to blogs, and neither will I except in very rare exceptions and times when I need to point out that another post is not Jackson.

    That said – thanks to the Standard for the media coverage. We appreciate it.

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