1. This potato will not lie, prevaricate, or have convenient memory lapses.
2. This potato doesn’t care who you may be talking to, emailing, tweeting or Facebooking. This potato will not try to pass laws depriving you of your civil liberties or allowing other people to monitor your communications.
3. If you chop this potato up and immerse the pieces in boiling hot vegetable oil you will get a plate of delicious hot chips. If you try to do the same thing to John Key you will be arrested.
4. This potato has no capacity to pass laws benefiting its rich mates. In fact, this potato has no mates.
5. Like John Key, this potato does little or nothing to grow the economy. Unlike John Key, nobody expects it to.
Next week: We measure the Leader of the Opposition up against a popular yellow crescent-shaped fruit.