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ImperatorFish: Hear Me!

Written By: - Date published: 6:39 pm, September 30th, 2013 - 8 comments
Categories: Media, the praiseworthy and the pitiful - Tags: ,

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

IF from the editorI’m really worried that an entire day might pass without your knowing what I’m thinking about a particular issue. Did you see me on TV? Did you hear me on the radio? Did you read my blogpost? My newspaper column?

How can you hope to get through each day unless I tell you what to think? It’s not that my analysis is particularly sophisticated; and please take it as given that I haven’t done any research, or that if I have done some I have ignored the facts that don’t suit my argument.

Did I mention that I’m being paid to give these opinions? I’m not saying someone rang me up and said “I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you express a negative opinion on so-and so.” No, it’s more subtle than that. My livelihood depends upon my clients knowing that I’ll put in a good word for them when I’m pretending to be an impartial observer of politics. When I look after them they look after me.

But even if I wasn’t being paid I’d probably still be doing it. And why not? I may have an inflexible worldview that disables my ability to think critically on a wide range of issues, but why should that prevent me from expressing myself publicly? Why should my inability to consider any argument without feeding it through a narrow ideological filter stop me from telling you what you need to be thinking?

My political affiliations are well known to those who follow politics closely. But most of the people who casually tune in to my TV or radio shows, or who glance at my columns, will be unaware of my close ties with a certain political party. Those ties make it very difficult for me to criticise the party openly, though sometimes I will mildly chide them over some matter of little consequence, so as to convince my audience that I really am a very reasonable and well-balanced fellow.

Sometimes I say things that I shouldn’t. Some people call this “lying.” But I don’t look at it like that. Some people say that politics is a contest of ideas, but that’s garbage. It’s about winners and losers. That’s all. If I say something that’s not true and people believe it, then that’s a win to my team, and nothing else matters. Moralise all you like about how dishonest I am, because nobody will believe you. “Well he/she would say that,” I’ll respond when challenged, before pointing out that my opponent is hopelessly biased because they once had some minor involvement in another political party ten years ago. I’ll also reassert my independence and balance by reminding the audience how I once criticised my own team over that minor thing a couple of months ago. So why would I lie? You can trust me, unlike the people I disagree with. They’re extremists. Look what they’re doing/want to do to this country!

Some of you know how the game works, but most of the people who read or hear what I say don’t. They’re just dumb spectators, who just happen to have a vote. That’s why my opinion matters. It’s not inherently worthier than yours, and it’s probably not even my own opinion. But I will be heard!

8 comments on “ImperatorFish: Hear Me! ”

  1. Anne 1

    Now this post reminds me of someone but I can’t for the life of me figure out who. 😕

  2. Outofbed 2


  3. ghostrider888 3

    Excellent. Hoo

  4. Anne 4

    My tongue was in my cheek ghostrider888.

    He did it again this morning on RNZ. Claimed Lianne Dalziel is part of the right faction in the Labour Party. That was his inference as to why she is going to bolt home in the ChCH mayoralty election. He really is so transparent. It beggars me how he thinks he can possibly get away with it.

  5. karol 5

    Gee, Scott’s satire just seems so …… real 😮

    It’s hardly funny a all.

    • he/she would be a good subject for a fly-on-the-wall tv series..

      ..(whoever this person is..)

      ..and..we all know that he/she? would probably like that idea..

      ..and he/she is not doing enough..

      ..i expect billboards..

      ..big billboards..

      ..and why no sky-writing yet..?

      ..and surely he/she has an app by now..?

      ..and in news about other seriously over-exposed people..who say very little of any worth..

      ..i am sure everyone is happy that that mike ‘i-agree-with(insert name of rightwinger)’ williams has found someone else/another rightwinger to agree with..

      ..he has started doing a piece on tv3 brek on mon morns..paired up with boag..

      ..and i didn’t have to hold my breath for very long..

      ..before the first ‘i agree with michelle on this’…spilled from his lips..

      ..(you could actually make up a drinking game around that one..

      ..everyone has to down their drink/smoke a joint..everytime williams ‘agrees’ with a rightwinger..

      ..you could also gamble on it..

      .break up the segment into minute segments..

      ..and bet on which minutes he will agree in..

      ..and if a trifecta,..?


      ..a big payout..

      ..phillip ure..


      • ghostwhowalksnz 5.1.1

        The name of the reality series would be :

        Come Opine With Me

        Where the contestants say outlandish things all with a veneer of bonhomie, all the while an acerbic commentator has a voice over so you really know what they mean.

        But would people watch ?

        • phillip ure

          re name::..how about ‘what a hoot!’…

          ..or..’on the matt’..(sub-heading:..’be a fly on the wall…!..see hooten wrestle with/defeat the truth..!’..)

          ..and my favourite hoots-quote is his oft-repeated assertion/shouting of his ‘class’..

          ..his fuck-the-peasants!-moment..

          .. that he has ‘never eaten eaten frozen peas’..(said with suitable disdain at the very idea..).

          ..he claims his precious palate has only ever had ‘fresh’-peas..

          ..and what’s more..he would never countenance anything but a fresh pea..


          ..(here’s a wheeze..!..someone should sneak into his room..

          ..and put a frozen pea underneath his mattress..


          ..phillip ure..

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