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Stay Classy: TV3’s Newshrub.

Written By: - Date published: 12:51 pm, January 21st, 2016 - 32 comments
Categories: cartoons, class war, disaster, Media, news, tv, you couldn't make this shit up - Tags: , ,

I had a dream in which media magnate Mark Weldon spoke to me.

“TRP, me old son, the people don’t like the news”.

“Which people?”, I asked, naively.

“The shareholders, of course”, he replied with a look of contempt. “Now get a press release out toot fucken sweet or you’ll find yourself working at Scout!”

I took the hint. Nobody wants to work at Scout. Nobody.

MEDIA RELEASE; Embargoed until someone cares.

MediaWorks’ new multi-platform news service will launch on February 1.

Newshrub, an integrated digital, TV and radio advertising service, will quite possibly provide breaking news and in-depth analysis across MediaWorks’ TV and radio channels, as well as online through a mobile app and website, the company says, giggling nervously. No, honestly, we really do think this will work. Why are you looking at me like that?

Newshrub Live at 6pm will be presented by Mike McRoberts and Hilary Barry, while Jeff McTainsh will present Newshrub Midday. Both bulletins hope to use their allocated 2 and a half minutes of quality journalism time to deliver the news that matters to real New Zealanders. Sadly, Max Key was unavailable for comment.

Journalism is all about communities, and with our integration our ‘community’ has just got a lot wider,” McRoberts says. “Though I recognise that the NZ community is a relatively fixed amount of people and nothing we do actually changes that amount to make it wider, which makes my comment a load of old tosh” McRoberts didn’t go on to say.

Newsworthy will be rebranded as Newshrub Latte, and be hosted by Samantha Hayes until she gets a better offer. The weekend news bulletin will be hosted by Melissa Davies and Tom McRae, both of whom are returning from overseas posts and are already wondering why.

The service will also provide news content across other programmes, such as Paul Henry and, er, Paul Henry,  and will place a strong emphasis on digital. TV3 have, of course, already given a strong digital signal to fans of John Campbell via the middle finger on Mark Weldon’s right hand.

Newshrub combines the power of our radio, TV and digital newsrooms and is focused on providing tailored content to all platforms,” says MediaWorks Group Head of Once Was News, Mark Jennings. “No, I don’t know what that means, either“, Jennings went on to say in his head.

Specialist teams of interns will work on breaking stories in the areas of most interest to New Zealanders. As long as most New Zealanders live in the Eden Terrace or Parnell areas, that is. We won’t be telling you what is happening, or why it is happening. But something’s happening. I know because I read about it on twitter. Which is where our viewers should probably go for real news, too.”

Ends. Badly.

3 News(hrub)

32 comments on “Stay Classy: TV3’s Newshrub. ”

  1. shorts 1

    so close to the truth your post isn’t funny

    ends badly for all but Weldon and Christie I bet

  2. Sabine 2

    still not watching TV3.

  3. weka 3

    Bloody good TRP.

    For those of us that don’t own a TV or follow the MSM very closely is this apropos of something TV3 is doing at the moment or is it just derision for the whole general ethos that TV3 now represents?

    • Sadly, it’s based on fact, weka. 3News is being replaced by what Mediaworks are calling a news hub.


      • weka 3.1.1

        snap 🙂

        Thanks, trp, not sure I can bring myself to read anything about it yet 🙁 Really appreciate you putting up the post, because what else needs to be said?

      • David H 3.1.2

        If I had not seen some of this yesterday I would have been looking for the /sarc But yes, you couldn’t make shit this bad up.

    • weka 3.2

      never mind, I heard it first on the standard 😀

      Open mike 21/01/2016

      • Ha! That kinda nicely illustrates the situation Mediaworks find themselves in. Having gutted the newsroom, they no longer have the hook that their other programs used to hang off. Peak viewing time (and advertising dollars) were anchored to the 6pm news. Not now. Former viewers have quickly adapted to getting their info from other sources and, frankly, there is no way back now.

        • Stuart Munro

          Bet Campbell could build one – if the shareholders want to salvage anything from the shell.

          • Tc

            This is why proper public broadcasting is crucial to an open Democracy and why natz will never allow one.

            They went straight for freeview first up and killed off community tv for openers.

            • Tautuhi

              Hopefully a new Government will sort out the abortion that TV One is at present?

              • Tc

                Whoever gets in after this key fronted wrecking crew are gone will have much more serious matters to deal with.

                This was always the plan, restrict and obstruct future efforts to undo the damage, return public assets, ressurect democracy etc

  4. cogito 4

    “Newshrub Live at 6pm will be presented by Mike McRoberts and Hilary Barry,”

    Very old hat. Should have got Art and Matilda for the 6pm….. and then Suzanne Paul for the late edition as she could have pushed her bedtime pillow-thing at the same time.

    • Wensleydale 4.1

      That’s inhumane. Suzanne Paul’s voice should be classified as an offensive weapon.

  5. ianmac 5

    Newshub will keep all of us informed as we breathlessly follow the exploits of Max Key and for serious news John Key could do his strip-tease dance while giggling through summary of why he is such a clever funny chappie. Good luck Newshubby at 6.
    Great insight TRP.

  6. Gangnam Style 6

    Present journalists might want to take heed of the famous Martin Niemöller “…first they came for the…” quote, & start doing their freakin’ jobs!

  7. Anne 7

    In other words it’s more of the same with a different name.

  8. Liberal Realist 8

    Thanks for this TRP! Gave me a good chuckle.

    It’s almost like Weldon, Christie & Jennings are trying to kill it? They’ve made a series of strategic mistakes (losing key audience anchor soaps in the 5:30pm slot, Campbell Live etc) and now this!

    How long before the Minister of Mediaworks, Mr Joyce, is called upon for a bailout (loan/gift/handout)?

  9. Rosemary McDonald 9

    Its been a long day, and it is very hot so not surprisingly I read the heading for this post and thought…New shub? What’s that all about?
    A small bath cum large sink? Surely not.
    So off to the google and the ever reliable Urban Dictionary.

    Ah! All clear now.


    (worth scrolling down…)

  10. Sirenia 10

    Meanwhile the new Checkpoint with John Campbell is strangely compelling TV on Freeview 50. Followed by a half hour of real international news (although without the live TV studio presentation)

  11. Rodel 11

    Nah! I’ll settle for an hour’s extension of scout. Great viewing….so TV3.(Weldon Christie Glusina & co..that’s sarc)

  12. The stupid thing is, parts of this are reasonable steps- it’s probably better to have one news room, for sure, and to make content more available in other media and on-demand, it’s just that they’re pairing it with their usual self-destructive “news isn’t sufficiently flashy” bullshit that just drives ratings down because that’s not why people watch news, and then because their ratings still suck they inject more flash and opinion into the news to try and up-rate it even more, continuously undermining the credibility of the format.

  13. Rosie 13

    Lols TRP. They did say this newshrub was in the pipeline didn’t they. So does that mean I won’t get to shout at Patrick Gower any more? Or will it be new condensed Gower? “make no mistake commies, Key is the man, you just gotta suck it up”

    In the mean time we have Filthy Rich to look forward to on a chanel I haven’t seen since some time in the 90’s.

    Inspired by the immoral unapologetic behaviour of the well, filthy rich, like Key:




    • weka 13.1

      No more Paddy Gower, that would certainly cheer up quite a few people 😀 Can’t imagine they’d dump that piece of click bait though.

  14. hoom 14

    Hurray for the unregulated competitive market! Success again at providing better services to the public than State/Regulated services.

    …Oh wait O.o

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