Who will be National’s next leader?

Written By: - Date published: 7:57 am, February 14th, 2018 - 77 comments
Categories: bill english, blogs, David Farrar, dpf, humour, national, same old national, Satire - Tags: , , , , , , ,

Post authored by Micky, Matt and Enzo. 

With Bill English gone all eyes will be on National’s leadership campaign. But they have a problem. As pointed out by this Dominion Post editorial all the leading contenders have striking flaws. National’s best interests may be to elect a caretaker and then get the real contender into Parliament and then change leaders.  Or maybe the next real leader is someone currently in Parliament who does not yet feature in leadership discussions.

So who are the potential leaders that will guide National back to its self proclaimed rightful place as leader?

Possible contenders include Mike Hosking.  He is clearly committed to the party’s values, he idolises John Key to an embarrassing degree, he despises poor people, and he owns a Ferrari. Who would be more perfect?  And he has Green credentials.  He once drove a Tesla.

Or there is Aaron “do you know who I am” Gilmour.  His born to rule tendencies make him a natural for National’s leadership.  And he has the benefit of having previous Parliamentary experience.

While we’re talking of leadership candidates, we should recognize the multitasking abilities of Paul Goldsmith, the man who managed to somehow get David Seymour elected while not tanking National’s party vote in one of the most solidly blue electorates in the country. Surely this hero could do the job.  Especially when his campaigning prowess is considered.

There’s also nothing National likes more than either a businessman (no girls allowed!) or a union-buster, and why just have one when you can get the other for free? Clearly the most noticeable in both categories is Sir Peter Talley, a man so generic people thought his name was John. And as a bonus, you wouldn’t even have to Knight him afterwards because we’ve already done it!

National Ltd™ sponsor and corporate scum Peter Talley

Or they could go full hog and select Robert Jones.  He is experienced, wealthy, has a conservative view of the world and is also a successful businessman. And he is able to attract media attention in a way most people are unable to.

And there’s that stellar example of a public profile, Brett Hudson, who was somehow robbed of winning Ōhāriu even after National ally and determined vote-splitter Peter Dunne withdrew from the race, he has the advantage, like Goldsmith, of being incredibly popular with the hipster community, at least where they’ve actually heard of him.

David Farrar would be uniquely positioned for an easy transition from pollster and spin doctor to party leader. Why wouldn’t you cut out the middle man? There is likely to be some opposition in the National Caucus to some of his more radical policies though – such as replacing traditional General Election voting methods with statements from candidates, of which many of the more coherent ones would be “hidden due to low comment rating”.

Mark Richardson needs a new side-project to compliment his TV gig, where 90% of his Job Description seems to be sitting in the background of Duncan Garner’s interviews looking like someone stole his teddy bear. Now that we’ve got a female Prime Minister who dares to balance her career with starting a family, the time has come for Mark to rise up, lead a popular movement, and be the saviour of men everywhere with batting averages marginally higher than their IQs.

And no list of qualified candidates is complete without Gareth Morgan, the smartest man in the room could secure National an extra 2.5% of the vote, while only losing them everyone who hates the treaty, everyone who loves cats, and generally anyone who likes charisma in a candidate.

The difficulty National has though is most of their candidates are far too out there on the fringes. They need to bring things back to the ‘sensible centre’ where most of the voters are. They need a consensus candidate who works well with others, builds bridges and forges new alliances with groups that might not otherwise vote National. A modern day Holyoake. Someone who otherwise hates socialism.  Step forward David Bennett, your time has come.

Thanks to other authors for the addition of ideas and text in the creation of this post.

77 comments on “Who will be National’s next leader? ”

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  1. Jess NZ 1
    14 February 2018 at 8:06 am

    Fantastic rundown of solutions to National’s serious problem of getting more Likes…

    I can never unsee that picture of Gareth in the cat ears. Our daughter has those. Now I have to get rid of them somehow…

  2. millsy 2
    14 February 2018 at 8:12 am

    That is a very unflattering photo of Farrar.

  3. Carolyn_Nth 3
    14 February 2018 at 8:26 am

    Collins – first out of the blocks:

    I’m announcing my candidacy for Leader of the NZ National Party. We’re going to need strong & decisive leadership if we’re going to win in 2020. I’m that person.

    • Cinny 3.1
      14 February 2018 at 8:52 am

      The next two weeks are going to get rather dirty me thinks.

      It really is the gift that keeps on giving, I can’t stop laughing re the possible choices, probably rather childish of me, but dang I’m finding it amusing as.

      • mary_a 3.1.1
        14 February 2018 at 4:28 pm

        @ Cinny (3.1) … definitely some blood letting is on its way.

        Some good entertainment coming up from the cesspit of talentless slime.

        Let the games begin.

    • mary_a 3.2
      14 February 2018 at 3:59 pm

      @ Carolyn_Nth (3) … Collins not wasting any time.

      If you look at the picture in the link, you will notice some horrible things hanging on her wall behind her. Apart from the hideously fiendish masks, there are also objects which closely resemble shrunken heads. Hardly surprising. Well in keeping with the Collins ferocious persona and reputation no doubt.

      http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11994379

  4. esoteric pineapples 4
    14 February 2018 at 8:30 am

    You left out Ritchie McCaw – the most obvious candidate. If they are in a hurry, they could give him Bill English’s list seat as an MP in the next few weeks, and prep him over the next year for the Leader of the Opposition role

    • Andre 4.1
      14 February 2018 at 9:02 am

      Don’t they have to fill any list vacancies with the next person on the list that was made for the election? In other words, they can’t just put Richie on the list now at whatever position they want. They’d probably need to get an electorate MP to resign so they could put Richie in to the by-election.

      • esoteric pineapples 4.1.1
        14 February 2018 at 3:43 pm

        Rules are but a minor detail. Who writes the rules is more important than what the rules are. Donald Trump has illustrated that rules and rules of law don’t need to apply at all if the power structures don’t feel inclined in any way to enforce them.

    • Stuff The Politicians 4.2
      14 February 2018 at 10:55 am

      Who said that Ritchie even votes National ?

      Have you asked him ?

      • esoteric pineapples 4.2.1
        14 February 2018 at 3:42 pm

        He seemed very matey with John Key and seemed to have no problem with being the captain of an All Black team that was hugely manipulated by Key and National to the point where the All Blacks had gone from being New Zealand’s national team to New Zealand’s National team. I can’t think of any other code that has ever allowed itself to be so closely associated with one political party.

        • solkta 4.2.1.1
          14 February 2018 at 3:53 pm

          Ritchie with Key is like the hapless fan on that hideous ad with Ritchie.

        • Stuff The Politicians 4.2.1.2
          14 February 2018 at 4:00 pm

          I thought that Ritchie looked rather embarrassed when Key came into the shed after each game.
          And certainly not all the ABs were happy to see Key, some just ignored the pony tail puller.
          Key just made himself look like a complete dork.

          But you are right about the other codes.

      • mauī 4.2.2
        14 February 2018 at 4:44 pm

        He’s in tv ads for Funterror and Versatile homes. Sounds true blue to me.

  5. Cinny 5
    14 February 2018 at 8:41 am

    LMFAO Micky, bloody brilliant 🙂

  6. Muttonbird 6
    14 February 2018 at 8:43 am

    Judith Collins wouldn’t be out of place on that list, and she’s actually a front-runner!

    • Cinny 6.1
      14 February 2018 at 8:48 am

      Breaking News… she’s just put her hat in the ring !!!

      “Judith Collins has announced a bid to replace Bill English as leader of the National Party.

      Collins made the announcement on Twitter soon after Simon Bridges indicated he would be announcing his bid today.”

      https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/101421924/simon-bridges-likely-to-announce-national-party-leadership-bid-to-replace-bill-english-today

      • repateet 6.1.1
        14 February 2018 at 8:53 am

        It’s all on with Collins starting “The Race.” As they come in it’ll turn from a two horse race to a three horse race and so on.

        With only one in it ain’t an event for the nags yet, it’s a one hag race.

      • David 6.1.2
        14 February 2018 at 9:48 am

        Judith wants to keep fisting NZ and believes corruption will win her through at the end of the day (with a little help from her friends, Slater and other Luminaries)

        No surprises there but National have a fundamental problem which is that they are all deceitful.

        The only agenda conservatives have the world over is privatisation, austerity and war, which they never campaign on, funny that.
        This then requires somebody to sell the lie, Judith has already been busted, along with most ( I can’t think of an honest National rep) of the others………

        My advice to National : seek legal advice……. then fuck off!

        • Liberal Realist 6.1.2.1
          14 February 2018 at 6:37 pm

          And I soooo hope Judith wins. I’m sure her blades have been sharp for some time now.

  7. Reality 7
    14 February 2018 at 8:52 am

    Now that post is brilliantly clever satire, not like a recent very nasty column by a very nasty person.

  8. Puckish Rogue 8
    14 February 2018 at 9:02 am

    I was going to say something but then I recall Phil Goff, David Shearer, David Cunliffe and Andrew Little and I figure the left deserve to have a bit of laugh for a change 🙂

    • weka 8.1
      14 February 2018 at 9:22 am

      the interesting thing for me is that National are now going to have to go through the same thing that Labour did. When you prioritise power over values and principles, you end up with few choices in who can lead. Fortunately for NZ, voters chose principles and values this time round, which has left National hanging in the wind. They’ve got a big job ahead of them. I almost wish they’d choose Collins, so they learn the lesson well, but I’m not sure I want to inflict her on the rest of the country.

      • Puckish Rogue 8.1.1
        14 February 2018 at 9:33 am

        “Fortunately for NZ, voters chose principles and values this time round, which has left National hanging in the wind. ”

        All it’ll take is a swing of a couple of percentage points and everything changes, I’d advise Labour not to take anything for granted

        • weka 8.1.1.1
          14 February 2018 at 9:44 am

          Well thanks for affirming my point PR. It’s all about power right? Irrespective of what happens to the Labour-led govt, National have a similar process to go through as Labour did in terms of remedying the mess they are in re leaders (and values).

          • Puckish Rogue 8.1.1.1.1
            14 February 2018 at 9:48 am

            “Well thanks for affirming my point PR. It’s all about power right?”

            Well without power you can’t implement the changes you want can you (something the Greens just don’t seem to realise)

            NZfirst dictates to the Greens how and what to vote for because they choose to have power

            • weka 8.1.1.1.1.1
              14 February 2018 at 9:51 am

              The Greens have been changing things though, without even being in government, 😆

              “NZfirst dictates to the Greens how and what to vote for because they choose to have power”

              I know you like to say that PR, and maybe you even believe it, but if you do believe it it just means you don’t have the nous to understand how the GP functions. It probably also means you don’t understand how the Labour-led govt functions.

            • cleangreen 8.1.1.1.1.2
              14 February 2018 at 1:07 pm

              PR; you said – “Well without power you can’t implement the changes you want can you”

              But then i recall national saying recently “labour you have been in opposition for nine years so why didn’t you change things then?”

              It seems that your own party has a different view to you doesn’t it now,?

              But of course you will weasel out by saying something meaningless like “Labour could have done the right thing and backed nationals bills.”

              • Puckish Rogue …
                14 February 2018 at 1:18 pm

                “It seems that your own party has a different view to you doesn’t it now,?”

                Isn’t that a good thing, do you want everyone to blindly follow their parties?

                • cleangreen …
                  14 February 2018 at 4:34 pm

                  You are mindless PR I was demonstrating that you was actually confused with your belief that if you are not on power we cant expect changes we want but you didn’t address that but come up with pure tripe so it’s no wonder someone will respond to your rubbish go back to national trolling zones and let us advise the new government on making NZ a better place for us.

      • Matthew Whitehead 8.1.2
        14 February 2018 at 9:41 am

        I reckon we can be open to inflicting her on the country as Leader of the Opposition if it puts the boot in appropriately, but my position is that any nonzero chance of Collins becoming Prime Minister is much too high for my liking, and with national currently at about a 5% chance of government on last polling, we can’t risk a Collins premiership. If they want to have her lead when they’re polling in the 30s or 20s, I say go for it.

  9. Sanctuary 9
    14 February 2018 at 9:03 am

    Awwww, a lovely rear-guard action in the NZ Herald for the John and Bill era from the obedient and loyal wifey of John Key’s biggest fanboi.

    http://www.nzherald.co.nz/opinion/news/article.cfm?c_id=466&objectid=11994061

    Bless.

    • red-blooded 9.1
      14 February 2018 at 9:56 am

      Linking Ardern with Trump – a favourite meme from people who don’t understand that it’s Ardern’s sincerity that helps to make her a political force. And (BTW) what was Mr “Rockstar” Key, if not style over substance?

    • Ed 9.2
      14 February 2018 at 9:00 pm

      Sickening sycophancy.

  10. UncookedSelachimorpha 10
    14 February 2018 at 9:12 am

    “Why do you look at me when you hate me?
    Why should I look at you when you make me hate you too?
    I sense a smell of retribution in the air
    I don’t even understand why the fuck you even care”

  11. cleangreen 11
    14 February 2018 at 9:23 am

    Anyone else clean from this sudden ejection of the hapless Bill English..

    It was the “dirty politics policy against Winston” during the election, that did this.

    We now have a court legal inquiry going on; – with four National MP’s and two civil employees found to be connected to leaking Winston’s private information to Government agencies and the press.

    Including the now defunct National leader Bill English!!!!! and some say that was why he suddenly exited the political scene because the legal court inquiry must be close to making a ruling that Bill English is one of the four national MPs that leaked Winston’s details along with his enemies in national such as Collins, Joyce and Bennett.

    Now the question is will Bill English now be able to be charged with his scandal over this since he will be not a politician any more come 27th February 2018???

    Was this the real reason why his ‘sudden retirement/pushed move happened???

    • Matthew Whitehead 11.1
      14 February 2018 at 9:44 am

      Unlikely that National were worried about it since they’re pushing for costs now the case has been dropped, that’s not normally something you risk if you think it wasn’t going your way. It’s possible they’re overconfident I guess, but that wouldn’t be an explanation for English’s resignation, which I don’t particularly think we need to go searching for: He jumped to avoid being pushed.

    • tc 11.2
      14 February 2018 at 9:48 am

      Crikey given what Blinglish has been involved with over his tenure (here sign this Bill as JK’s out of the country…again) it could be anything really as there are many many skeletons.

      SCF, the barclay saga, double dipping…then there’s those leaked brash emails all those years ago my my so much to choose from that if the actual truth came out it’s possible Billy would look more than silly over many years.

      He’ll enjoy retirement as like most senior figures likely to be involved in dodgy affairs he knows too much to be messed so the remaining club members best be careful.

  12. greywarshark 12
    14 February 2018 at 9:43 am

    Why would they be getting rid of bluff, straight shooter, believable man off the land,
    Bill English? I think they just did it to get The Standard going, and it worked!

    Thanks for great post mickysavage and compatriots. The historic socialist ‘busts’,
    are they Lenin, Engels, Marx (plus the antipathetic modern hairless and hapless one).

    Excellent post with exquisite images, love the one of Sir Robert, (otherwise known as bad Sir Brian Botany).
    Read and listen and learn and laugh! http://www.voetica.com/voetica.php?collection=3&poet=685&poem=3335

    • Matthew Whitehead 12.1
      14 February 2018 at 9:45 am

      Thanks for the complements. I imagine Micky and Enzo appreciate them as well. 😉

  13. weka 13
    14 February 2018 at 9:45 am

    This is a very funny post. Well done to the authors who wrote it.

  14. Ad 14
    14 February 2018 at 9:45 am

    Top work Mickey

  15. ianmac 15
    14 February 2018 at 9:57 am

    Great read Micky. Thanks.

  16. KJT 16
    14 February 2018 at 11:10 am

    Pinocchio?

    Another parachuted in puppet ruler, from the finance “industry”?

    Donald Trump?

    • greywarshark 16.1
      14 February 2018 at 12:19 pm

      The ‘industry’. Reminds me of the idea behind the Jetsons, they were going to have a lovely life on a pie-platform in the sky, putting in a few hours pushing buttons each day. Which is what a lot of people have! But there can be downsides, Barings Bank bloke was so hyped or relaxed, don’t know which, that he pushed button at wrong time and lost them a cool $$…

      But the elite would rather play with money than pay money – for industry by workers. Why bother with the real world when you can live in a fantastic land. Look at Alex cartoons by Peattie and Taylor in the Telegraph. The important thing is to always impress and inspire confidence by one’s style and look for the advantage to yourself in everything. It is so sardonic, fascinating to see what they have come up with day by day. Their characters have a rule, never look ordinary or make a social gaffe.
      http://www.telegraph.co.uk/business/alex/

      Nick Leeson – Wikipedia
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nick_Leeson
      Nicholas William “Nick” Leeson (born 25 February 1967) is a former derivatives broker whose fraudulent, unauthorised speculative trading, for which he was sentenced to prison, caused the spectacular collapse of Barings Bank, the United Kingdom’s oldest merchant bank. Between 2005 and 2011 he had management …
      2011 UBS rogue trader scandal – Wikipedia
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2011_UBS_rogue_trader_scandal

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2011_UBS_rogue_trader_scandal
      (estimated US$2 billion)
      On 15 September 2011, Adoboli was arrested under suspicion of fraud in connection with a loss of a then-estimated US$2 billion, reportedly due to unauthorized trading at the Swiss group’s investment bank. A spokesperson from the Swiss banking regulator FINMA referred to the case as one of the biggest ever seen at a …

      Japanese trader makes £22 billion mistake – Telegraph
      http://www.telegraph.co.uk › News › World News › Asia › Japan
      Feb 26, 2009 – A spokesman for UBS said the mistake was a computer, rather than a human, error. Fortunately for the bank, the $31 billion trade was executed out of trading hours and was immediately discovered by the Tokyo market. The huge sums ordered by UBS were greater than the size of the bonds available from …
      https://www.ft.com/content/35bb51ea-8e17-11e5-a549-b89a1dfede9b

      https://www.reuters.com/article/us-britain-eu-trading-exclusive/exclusive-barclays-reins-in-foreign-exchange-trading-before-referendum-result-sources-idUSKCN0Z914S

      [Now the industry only partly employ humans.]
      Banks are in trouble for hiding behind phony error messages – Quartz
      https://qz.com/…/credit-suisse-was-fined-135-million-for-hiding-behind-phony-error-…
      Nov 17, 2017 – One upside to replacing humans with machines is that robots don’t make mistakes, lie, or fret about their performance. But the people in charge of the algorithms still do: New York’s financial regulator alleges that two big banks served up error messages to clients in order to hide what their foreign-exchange …

      5 Excel Bloopers with Huge Concequences – Filtered
      learn.filtered.com/blog/5-excel-bloopers-with-huge-concequences
      Sep 1, 2014 – The result: Along with the parts of Lehman Barclays wanted, the British bank was also forced to swallow losses on an additional 179 toxic deals it never intended to buy. Improving your Excel skills could prevent any number of costly mistake (hopefully none on the scale you’ve read above!) About Adit ..

      That seems a useful industry – teaching people how to use Excel well.

  17. delia 17
    14 February 2018 at 12:13 pm

    I just get an empty feeling with these Leadership challenges..are they working for the country or themselves. The last thing they talk about is a vision for the country. Living in their well feathered bubbles.

  18. Heather Tanguay 18
    14 February 2018 at 1:15 pm

    Great round up of likely contenders. Judith was very quick out of the blocks, will be a real scrap.

  19. patricia bremner 19
    14 February 2018 at 1:53 pm

    I think the Nats will have their own ABC Club. “Anybody but Collins”.

  20. veutoviper 20
    14 February 2018 at 2:17 pm

    `Latest from Parliamentary Press Gallery reporters via Twitter is that:

    As well as both Collins and Bridges who have confirmed they are standing:

    – Paula Bennett likes being Deputy, would like to remain, won’t be standing for Leader

    – Amy Adams has a press conference at 3.30pm

    – Nikki Kaye has said she will not be standing for either Leader or Deputy

    – Coleman is considering

    – Mitchell is considering

    – Joyce is considering as of an hour ago

    And naughty Claire Trevett – “Simon’s fascinator has slipped”

    https://twitter.com/CTrevettNZH/status/963536779037978624

    • AB 20.1
      14 February 2018 at 3:47 pm

      Jeepers – Collins and Bennett could take us into some dark corners of the psyche.
      Whereas Jonathan “Genius” Coleman will just blow smoke in our eyes while gravel-voiced crooning about record numbers of operations. Coleman, paired with Maggie Barry to give us a regular and well-deserved admonishing, would be a winning combo.

  21. veutoviper 21
    14 February 2018 at 3:45 pm

    And the factions are beginning to show.

    Amy Adams has announced that she is going to run – accompanied to her press conference by Nikki Kaye, Maggie Barry, Chris Bishop and Tim MacIndoe.

    https://twitter.com/avancenz/status/963602019075305472

    https://twitter.com/katieabradford/status/963602183735320577

  22. cleangreen 22
    14 February 2018 at 4:43 pm

    Ship of fouls/fools = National party is.

    National Party Leaders Candidates so far on 4.45pm 14/2/2018.

    Collins.
    Bridges
    Maggie Barry,
    Tim Mcindoe,
    Amy Adams,
    Chris Bishop,

    Next idiot!!! – please stand up and come forward.

  23. Robet Guyton 23
    15 February 2018 at 7:58 am

    “Also guilty of dirty politics are several co-authors at The Standard who posted Who will be National’s next leader?”
    Pete George gets his knickers in a twist over this post.
    https://yournz.org/2018/02/15/petty-parliament/#comments

  24. ropata 24
    15 February 2018 at 11:56 am

    Max Key! Max Key! Max Key!

    Even younger than Jacinda! Social media personality! Has challenged Eminem to a rap battle! Also a DJ! Knows nothing about current affairs or the economy! Looks cool!

    Bring on MaxKey-mania 😛

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