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Bridges can’t even lie straight in bed

Written By: - Date published: 8:51 pm, July 17th, 2013 - 60 comments
Categories: making shit up, national - Tags: , , ,

They say you can tell a pathological liar by the fact they’re no longer just lying about the big stuff, but start telling petty, irrelevant lies that hardly even seem worth it.

We’ve all seen Simon Bridges’ lies on work rights, health and safety and dodgy oil company deals, but his latest is very telling. Here he is today responding to the Greenpeace billboard:

“As a boy from Tauranga, I’ve always wanted my name up in lights in the big city. Now it’s happened and I managed to get Greenpeace to pay for it.”

See, what’s interesting is Bridges isn’t some small town boy and he isn’t even from Tauranga. The dude’s a big city Auckland lawyer who only moved to Tauranga in 2001 when a Crown Prosecutor role came up. He was born in Auckland, did high school and university there and even worked as a litigation lawyer in Auckland for Kensington Swan.

I know we expect our politicians to lie, but this is getting ridiculous.


60 comments on “Bridges can’t even lie straight in bed”

  1. karol 1

    Yep. That’s what Wikipedia says. Or is he about to get one of his staffers to change it?

    He was even peddling the small town boy origins in this Women’s Weekly article – September which year?:

    Being an MP suits Simon more than his previous job as a solicitor. He worked as a crown prosecutor in Tauranga before moving to England to study at Oxford, where he met Natalie, who was doing her masters in English literature. “We met within the first few weeks and had a whirlwind romance,” Simon says.

    Nevertheless Team Bridges will not be able to change this NewsWire article:

    His father Heath’s mother, the late Naku Joseph, is his connection to Maniapoto hapu Ngati Kanohaku, and the 12 or so families from the marae near Te Kuiti are planning a celebratory event for their new member of parliament next year.

    Mr Bridges does not speak te reo but wants to improve his pronunciation. He is not familiar with his whakapapa, partly because his grandmother died before he was born.

    But he has fond memories of his father’s sister Lorna, who was based in San Franscisco for most of her life, coming home with an early camcorder to record footage of a family tangi about 25 years ago.

    The Maniapoto boy grew up in Te Atatu, west Auckland, the son of a Baptist Minister father and primary school teacher mother, and his early claim to fame was becoming head boy at Rutherford High School.

    His later education included arts and law degrees from Auckland University and a postgraduate law degree from Oxford University in England, where he met Natalie.

  2. AmaKiwi 2

    Winston, would you like you Tauranga seat back?

  3. IrishBill 3

    they’re no longer just lying about the big stuff, but start telling petty, irrelevant lies that hardly even seem worth it.

    Have to disagree there Zet. I think the “boy from Tauranga” line is the big stuff for Bridges. It’s like his carefully kitched up new zild accent – an affectation designed to reinforce the idea of him as a poor boy made good (and I ask you have you ever heard an accent like his? It’s a parody, and when he’s not in public it disappears). The last thing Bridges wants is to be identified as the elite big city lawyer he is.

    It’s like John Key’s statehouse backstory or the way CEO’s often dress like their floor staff when they make media appearances (think Sam Walton’s baseball cap or Steve Tindall’s red polo shirt). In fact, I’d argue that the untruths Bridges engages in about his background are politically more important than the untruths about changing New Zealand law to suit a multinational oil company. Because the “aw shucks” stuff is vital to his brand and to ensuring he continues to connect to voters.

    Without the cover of that brand his true constituency, Shell, the Foresters, the EMA, becomes all too apparent.

    • Lanthanide 3.1

      “or Steve Tindall’s red polo shirt”

      Actually all Warehouse employees wear the same uniform, including those in head office doing desk jobs who never see a customer face. Now it’s questionable whether that would really extend to the boardroom, but since I’m pretty sure Steve set the policy, I think he’d dress like that most, if not all of, the time.

      • Don't worry be happy 3.1.1

        Warehouse has staff??? News to me. Great big empty barns with increasingly frustrated cutomers trying to find something mundane like socks…but staff, you know, people with actual jobs not so much.

    • saarbo 3.2

      I agree 100% IB…and count the number of times National MP’s say “actually”, what’s that about?

  4. AmaKiwi 4

    Bad news: A New Zealand MP will make up stories about anything. The truth means nothing.

    Good news: He’s a Tory.

    Bad news: He used to be a public prosecutor. Were people convicted based on stories he made up?

    Bad news: We have no way to get rid of this guy. He’s part of the ruling dictatorship.

  5. Ross 5

    “Mr Bridges does not speak te reo but wants to improve his pronunciation.”

    Surely he needs to master English first before he gets too far ahead of himself.

    • Hami Shearlie 5.1

      Taking the giant set of marbles out of the old gob might be a good way to start – Then, stop the Bill English/John Key hybrid ecc-sent! Then, as a chaser, try saying “How now brown cow” instead of “hair nair brairn cair”! He makes Chloe of Wainuiomata sound like a Duchess!!! I have the feeling that Lynn of Tawa is amongst his close circle of friends!!! Grimacing to add emphasis never did Joanna Paul any good either!!

  6. tsmithfield 6

    “The dude’s a big city Auckland lawyer who only moved to Tauranga in 2001 when a Crown Prosecutor role came up…”

    So he is most recently from Tauranga then. He is technically correct isn’t he when he says he is from Tauranga? Where is the lie?

    I was born in Waikari, and as a child moved to Rangiora However, I would now identify myself as coming from Christchurch, having now lived here for quite a few years, and having my identity here. So, I think you’re getting fairly picky and petty there Zet.

    • AmaKiwi 6.1

      @ tsmithfield

      I do NOT do business with pathological liars? Do you?

      Where was I born? Where did I grow up? In a family and in communities where lying was a serious offense and “embellishing the facts” was lying.

      “Can’t recall, don’t remember, haven’t got a clue, etc.” is lying. First the captain. Now other members of his team. And they claim some moral authority to rule over us!

      That’s the issue.

    • fender 6.2

      Bridges said: “As a boy from Tauranga……”

      So does he mean he was a boy in 2001 (at age 25) when he moved there…..or is he saying he’s still a boy?

      He is technically incorrect ts.

      • tsmithfield 6.2.1

        The word “boy” isn’t always used as a synonym for “child”.

        • Colonial Viper

          Real handy for a candidate who is trying to pass himself off as a local “boy” who is “from” Tauranga.

    • Colonial Viper 6.3

      So you are happy to claim you come from Christchurch even though you weren’t born there and you didn’t grow up there?

      Fuckign shite.

      Why don’t you just say that you’ve made Christchurch your home, and be a little more truthful.

      • weka 6.3.1

        It’s not the claiming where one is from (if someone asks where I am from I will either tell them where I live, or where I lived the longest, or where I was born, depending on the context). It’s that Bridges used the word ‘boy’, which implies that he grew up in Tauranga – which is apparently a lie. Unless he spend part of his childhood there, or his family ties were there and he spent time there as a boy and felt like it was home. People’s sense of where they’re from isn’t always straightforward.

      • tsmithfield 6.3.2

        If someone asked where I was born I would tell them accurately. However, where I am from is more to do with my identity. I have much more history and ties to Christchurch now, so would identify myself as from Christchurch.

        • tsmithfield

          As mentioned above, the word “boy” doesn’t necessarily mean “child”. In the context of a light-hearted comment it could easily mean “man”, as in the movie The boys from Brazil for example. This movie isn’t about male children from Brazil.

          • Colonial Viper

            So to get a true answer from Bridges you have to basically cross examine him. What a filthy bastard.

            • tsmithfield

              Its a casual attempt at humour. Why would you want to cross examine him? You take things too seriously I think.

              • felix

                It’s not a casual attempt at humour ts, it’s a ridiculous attempt at lawyering which you’re trying to back away from by making light of it now that it’s been shown up as insane.

                You are quite correct though, if you accept “boy” as meaning “adult male”, and you accept “from” as meaning “not from”, then he’s being totally straight up.

                • tsmithfield

                  You shouldn’t find the word “boy” too hard to accept as “adult male”. I can imagine you as a fan of “The Back Street Boys.”

                  • Colonial Viper

                    Fuck you’re reaching. Several members of the Backstreet Boys were in their mid teens when they formed.

                  • felix

                    Desperate tsmithfield.

                    You’re not going to be able to joke your way out of this without a basic working knowledge of humour.

                    • tsmithfield

                      I guess a woman I know in her fifties must be a real sicko according to lefty logic because she announced she had a boyfriend the other day. So, do you think that means she was having a romantic relationship with a male child?

                      Or, how about my wife, when she refers to her sisters as the “girls”. Does that mean her sisters are actually female children?

                    • tsmithfield

                      Further more, this definition.

                      3. Informal. a grown man, especially when referred to familiarly: He liked to play poker with the boys.

                    • rosy

                      tsmithfield, are you Bridges?

                      Because you can’t lie straight either.

                    • felix

                      And does your made-up wife often refer to her boyhood in a small town where she didn’t spend it?

                      ‘Cos that’s what Bridges did and he’s a fucking liar.

                    • tsmithfield

                      So, I guess you would believe that the Baby Blacks are a rugby team made up of infants?

                    • felix

                      No, I believe Bridges was trying to imply that he grew up in Tauranga.

                      Do you see yet where your protestations fall flat, tsmithfield? It’s not complicated mate.

                    • tsmithfield

                      He left the statement open enough for a number of inferences to be drawn. Its political speak, mate, in case you haven’t heard this sort of thing before.

                      Nowhere in his statement does he claim to have grown up in Tauranga. I agree that inference could be drawn, which may have been the effect he was wanting to create.

                      However, it can’t be called an outright lie, because, as pointed out, other inferences can be equally drawn, depending on how the word “boy” is interpreted. I don’t think there is any problem with him claiming to have come from Tauranga given that he has lived there 12 years. However, as pointed out in the definition above, when the word “boy” is used in a casual, familiar way, as it definitely was in this situation, then interpreting “boy” as “man” is quite reasonable.

                      There are much better examples of outright lies from politicians than what is being Bridges has been accused of.

                    • Te Reo Putake

                      TS, nice dissembling, but you can’t get past this statement:

                      “As a boy from Tauranga, I’ve always wanted my name up in lights in the big city.”

                      ‘Boy’ and ‘always’ give the clear impression he is claiming to have grown up in TGA. The ‘big city’ follows on from from that sequentially.

                      ie the sequence Bridges claims is boy/TGA then name in lights/big city.

                      The only confusion is in your head. The actual fact is that he was in the ‘big city’ before Tauranga, yet he claims the opposite.

                    • King Kong

                      I would also like some proof that “he always wanted his name up in lights”. A diary entry from his youth or a letter to Santa would suffice.

                      Without this evidence I would be inclined to believe that this story might have used some creative licence in order to help deliver, what was quite a witty “fuck you” to Greenpeace.

                    • felix

                      Hi King Kong.

                      Just to catch you up a bit, no-one is disputing whether or not he wanted his name in lights because it makes no difference either way.

                      tsmithfield is pretending that the plain language interpretation is incorrect, and that Bridges was actually using sophisticated convoluted definitions in his statement.

                      Have another banana.

                      ps yes it was quite witty. Unfortunately it was also a blatant lie, which rather takes the sting out of the poor wee fella’s tail, innit.

                • Mary

                  Often dumbarse lawyers try to come across as all lawyerish in everyday conversations and other inappropriate contexts but just come across as dickheads. Bridges reminds me of this particular type of dickhead lawyer.

          • tracey

            my father has lived in tauranga for 30 years but calls himself a feilding boy. spin like a spinning top ts.

          • tracey

            so when the pm said he had always dreamed of being pm, he meant when he was 31?

    • s y d 6.4

      Is he a boy? No. Would he ever be one of the ‘boys’. Not where I come from.. the Mount.
      He isn’t a “boy from Tauranga”….never will be. He’s a poseur from Auckland. My experience of Bridges is that he’s only willing to appear before his adoring followers and avoids any situation where he might be challenged. 100% Fake.

    • tracey 6.5

      tauranga “boy”. ts.

  7. Alanz 7

    Simon is fake. A fake in many ways. There are some unsavoury stories yet to come out.

  8. felix 8

    So if this haircut of a man (h/t the egonomist) is actually a big-city lawyer, what’s his excuse for talking like an inbred, barely-literate, slurring, drawling yokel?

    • fender 8.1

      He’s been chosen as “the future” and therefore believes he must behave like “the present”-Key.

      • felix 8.1.1

        Oh gawd, a graduate of the John Key School of Elocution (stablish noindeen noinyade)

    • King Kong 8.2

      Probably the same reason David (Rawiri) Cunliffe gave that speech last election in the style of a condecending and outrageously racist Bro town character or how Helen Clarke generally spoke like a stroke victim who had taken too much testosterone.

      Its called trying to connect to your audience.

      Apparantly David Shearer has a natural clipped diction,a supurb sense of timing and deft delivery in his speech in private. When in the public eye he affects the speech of a chimp with a brain injury in an attempt to “sound like” the majority of Labour voters.

      • saarbo 8.2.1


        Born in Te Aroha, schooled in Te Kuiti…um, I’ll introduce you to plenty of pakeha’s in Te Kuiti with Maori accents. At least he wasn’t “coached” to talk like that like the National fuckwits.

        • farmboy

          DAmn that shames me cunliff lived down here, I think he would have lost the accent when he went to harvard dont you think. Maybe he didnt need to be coached but he sure turns it on and off dosnt he.

        • farmboy

          DAmn that shames me cunliff lived down here, I think he would have lost the accent when he went to harvard dont you think. Maybe he didnt need to be coached but he sure turns it on and off dosnt he.

          • felix

            lolz. Thing is hillbilly, none of us give a damn what you think of David Cunliffe.

            You and Apeman and tsmithfield, on the other hand seem awful upset about what we write about Bridges.

            Interesting eh?

      • felix 8.2.2

        “Its called trying to connect to your audience.”

        King Kong that’s a horrible thing to say about National Party voters!

        Have an orange.

  9. Mary 9

    Not satisfied with how little he was able to shaft people as crown prosecutor, Simon decided to become an MP for the National Party instead.

  10. ghostwhowalksnz 10

    The trouble with the banner , is the photo makes Bridges look good- !!

    Visuals are everything, use an image that matches the message, ie a sneer or his eyes narrowed. etc

    Greenpeace should really work out what they want to be doing. Bridges probably has had poster size copies made for his office

  11. tarkwin 11

    Bridges 1 Greenpeace 0. And it’s an own goal as well.

  12. Sable 12

    Lawyers and the truth are not close bedfellows.

  13. Wayne 13

    Simon’s great strength is that he is very engaging ( and in style is still quite young). That is why the NP delegates (I guess around 100 of them) chose him as their candidate in 2008.

    He is also very smart. Not just a graduate of Auckland, but also of Oxford. And he did not go to some flash school, Massey High I think. Possibly also why he doesn’t always have the best pronunciation.

    Sure he was making a bit of a joke here, I guess in response to an interview. And why not. It is a great photo. No-one (well, virtually no-one) seeing it will have any idea what Greenpeace is on about.

    The voters in Tauranga know he didn’t grow up there, and he is not saying he did.

    It is just a colloquial statement, responding to the flavour of the occasion.

  14. tracey 14

    thanks wayne. do you also have explanations to address blips list relating to the pm.

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