web analytics

Imperator Fish: John needs this too

Written By: - Date published: 10:30 am, March 9th, 2016 - 24 comments
Categories: blogs, humour, Media, Satire, social media lolz - Tags:


By now you’ll probably have received your voting papers for the flag referendum, and I know that a lot of you won’t be bothering to vote, or will be voting to stick with the current flag.

I have already tried to explain how important this issue is for our retired rugby players. But no-one is more committed to a change of flag than our Prime Minister. Now you might be one of those wreckers and haters who plan to vote against change precisely because John Key is in favour of it. But I’m going to try and make you see how much of a mistake that would be.

I’ve heard just about every objection to the Lockwood flag there is. But none of them convince me that we should stick with the current banner. So what if the proposed new flag is a hideous confusion of colours and symbols? Sure, it’s not perfect, but let’s not pretend that we’ll ever settle on a flag design beloved by everyone. I’m reminded of a saying, which if I recall correctly goes: “perfect is the enemy of the mediocre,” or something like that. If we hold out for something really good, we may miss out on getting something really average. And average is okay, right? Isn’t that exactly what we want from our centrist politicians who don’t stand for anything in particular? We most certainly don’t want a design that is bold and powerful, because that would be too fraught with risk. I’ll tell you who else chose bold and powerful — the Germans in 1933. And we all know how that worked out for them.

The alternative to Lockwood’s starry fern tat is to keep things exactly as they are. And does anyone really want that? We’re not going to have a debate about becoming a republic any time soon, and John Key even brought back Britain’s feudal honours system in order to better reward our business and political elites for all the tireless work they do accumulating money and power for themselves, but can’t we at least change a piece of cloth? If you won’t do it for Richie, will you at least do it for John?

This means a lot to our Prime Minister. It’s the legacy he wants to leave to the country. And what could be fairer than that? Shouldn’t he have something to show for all his efforts? Building a better and stronger economy turned out to be a bit too hard, and poverty and inequality are at record levels. We’re going backwards when it comes to the environment, and there is a housing crisis in our biggest city. People working 40 hours a week on the minimum wage are struggling just to feed their kids and pay the rent. The only growth part of our economy is the food bank sector.

So the flag really is it. It’s all John’s got to hold onto. It’s no wonder he’s investing so much of his political capital into getting the flag changed. He’s done everything he can to screw the scrum, to get his design picked in the first place, and despite all his hard work some people want to deny him even a modest legacy. It’s unbelievable. Why are people so mean?

It’s pretty obvious what’s going on, and why this whole referendum process has turned into a shambles. It’s Labour’s fault. Labour’s to blame for all the hostility against the Lockwood design. Labour’s playing politics, in a way that National isn’t when John Key wears the Lockwood flag on his lapel during official engagements, and when National caucus members stage crisis meetings to discuss strategies for pushing the flag-change message. It was Labour that engineered the Flag Consideration Panel’s utterly underwhelming choices, in order to discredit John Key. We may never know how they did it, but I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that there’s a dossier somewhere in Fraser House of incriminating Flag Consideration Panel Christmas party photos.

When John Key talks about changing the flag he’s being a leader, a visionary, but when the opposition talks about the flag it’s just grubby and shabby politicking. These people will do anything to discredit one of the greatest National Party Prime Ministers we have seen this century.

We may have another chance to change the flag in the future, once the Queen dies and we find ourselves stuck with that buffoon Charles, and we finally decide to rid ourselves of the entire parasitical royal family. Any move towards a republic would inevitably involve a change of flag. But that could be years away. It’s not as if Elizabeth II is an old woman. We can’t afford to let this opportunity pass us by.

So get your voting paper out and put down a big tick for the Lockwood flag. But if you’ve already voted and want to help the cause further, the only option left for you is to commit electoral fraud. Now I’m not saying you should vote twice, or steal someone else’s voting papers, or threaten one of your neighbours with physical violence if they don’t tick the right box, or find some other way to subvert the democratic process. But the stakes are high, enormously high. If John Key doesn’t get this across the line, then he’ll have nothing much to show for his years in power, and that would be a shame, a terrible shame.

Reprinted with permission from Imperator Fish.

24 comments on “Imperator Fish: John needs this too ”

  1. happynz 1

    This not only involves John Key. Think of the Speaker. How will the selectively deaf Carter deal with a Key tanty during question time? Oh yeah, he won’t. Never mind.

  2. Herodotus 2

    why not a white flag ?
    resinates world wide, universal understanding of what a white flag represents easy to manufacture. Also a great base to start for a new National anthem and aligns with support of the All White’s . Thou could be construed in parts of the world in a adverse way.

    Or as an opposite proposition How about a solid Black Flag to go with the all blacks and would have greater acceptance world wide and like the white easy to manufacture.

  3. ianmac 3

    The post is a good example of straight unambiguous writing telling us how it is and why we should vote for dear John Key’s design. Some might have thought it was satire but they would be so wrong. I will sort out my family today. Tick for John”s flag or find somewhere else to live.

  4. My wife’s vote cancelled mine, but at least we each voted. I remarked the same wouldn’t happen in the general election next year. She agreed. It is becoming nine years, already in the 8th, of famine and neglect of not only the needy, but all those somewhere below the benchmark of Middle class.

  5. Ad 5

    The left needs the Union Jack version to stay.

    It needs to drape over our dead with natty little wreaths, because the ANZACs fought a glorious war and formed our nation nigh over a century ago. Also drapes quite nicely over the Boer Wars. Also the Land Wars. Reminds us all of who won and who lost, and what we all did it for: the Great Union, Jack.

    It needs the Union Jack version to stay because our greatest action hero of all time is James Bond, and in Skyfall at the end it’s just him doing his best Caspar David Friedrich impression on top of Whitehall with the Union Jack fluttering proudly everywhere reminding the loyal left about Empire. The left have always needed heroes, and I can see why Imperator Fish needs James. The left need their dad.

    It needs the Union Jack version because Downton Abbey. We need lace, upstairs-downstairs tension, class distinctions, and inherited real estate. The left and the right adores teacups, lace, and primogeniture. Maggie Smith is in reality already Queen, so keep the Union Jack version because we just prefer giving over our entire imaginative reflex to British class values, better known as the Union Jack version of life itself. The left need their mum.

    It needs the Union Jack to revive the Savage Club of Wanganui. Where else can we can do skits in blackface, and have another good old laugh recalling the cenotaph near the river celebrating those Maori defending the town from those Other Maori with those Other Flags? Little celebrations can now break out about how we got to install white rule over millions of acres of Maori land. Run that up the flagpole, and keep that flag right as it is. Rule Brittania.

    It needs to put the Union Jack version on bumper stickers, protest about its impending loss, raise it in our schoolyards, lament lost patriotism, and we need to get our children to be taught civics and sing, sing, Sing to our Great Lost British Heritage something about God and Defence. We are still a Better Britain, and we can’t lose our last great symbol of that grand pastoral utopia that goes to Wakefield and back. God Save the Queen.

    It needs to keep the Union Jack because epaulettes. Men in military dress with swords! Swords! Bowing a little. Practicing a curtsey beforehand. Ladies with dresses, people getting awards, cucumber sandwiches on the lawn, your name published in the paper like the Lamb’s Book Of Life and reward for propping up those Polynesian-and-Maori-friendly organisations like the Judiciary, Olympic bowls, Lions Clubs and The Countrywomen’s Institute. Rewards transferred by Britain, and her monarch, under that flag, that glorious shard of British white truth. We don’t need any kind of our own model for anything at all. Epaulettes, my friend, epaulettes.

    Finally, at the end of my life, after standing in silence for 100 Queen’s Messages, the best lefties will get a letter that confirms their life has been worth something, because that letter comes from Mrs Union Jack herself, because only she can validate us, particularly validating our Prime Minister who knows he needs to be kept in his place as that little colonial oik, frame that letter, pass it around our many descendants, and keep it on top of our old flag, that old ragged rag, over the left’s coffin.

    • cogito 5.1


      Mate, you really need to get down to Specsavers. You might see things a bit more clearly after that….. including that the alternative looks like the remains of someone’s fish and chips.

      • Ad 5.1.1

        Mate, anyone ever tries to get you to open a book, punch them for me.

        Otherwise you might learn something.

        • cogito

          So here we go, insults. You got any more? Keep them coming, go on…. Next one?

          • Ad

            “You really need to go down to Specsavers. You might see things a bit more clearly after that”

            You clearly wanted to step in, then couldn’t take what you dished out.

            • cogito

              You’ve lost it mate, you really have.

              • Ad

                Offer up a point, go for your life.

                • cogito

                  Your potted history… You wouldn’t even get through School C (or NCEA) with that load of pathetic drivel.

                • ianmac

                  Very simply I do not think the alternative fern flag is very good. Fussy. Cluttered.
                  So without a better choice, stick to the current one until in 3-4 years we do it properly with a good design and without the political twists.

        • Gabby

          Ad because bitter.

    • You_Fool 5.2

      D- not funny nor interesting and suffers from comparison to Imperator Fish’s article. Also doesn’t really flow nor seem based in reality unlike the original, which at least can pass as plausible.

      Please try harder next time

  6. Magisterium 6

    I find the Lockwood design uninspiring and the flag-selection process an absolute clusterfuck. But I dearly want to be rid of the Union Jack.

  7. Des 7

    Why not start a new trend with a 2 sided flag. Keep the old flag on one side and a large NZ symbol (such as fern or kiwi or koru) on the other side.

    • pat 7.1

      lol….and why not…they say politics is the art of compromise

      but then the flag choice is supposed to be apolitical….hmmmm

    • cogito 7.2

      Why not retain the existing flag for formal/state occasions, and have an alternative fern design for sports competitions…?

      Oh, wait, don’t people fly the All Blacks silver fern anyway at sporting events..!?!?

      No need to change then, eh…

    • framu 7.3

      the belich book on NZ history had a great bit where the maori chiefs kept unwittingly winding up the brits by changing their flag choice on a daily basis

      they saw no need to just have one and thought the three on offer were all good

  8. cogito 8

    One of Key’s little helpers… How many more are out there…


    “Alleged flag voting paper theft investigated
    The Electoral Commission is investigating claims an Auckland man stole hundreds of flag voting papers and voted in favour of the new design”.

  9. swordfish 9

    Ha, ha. Goes right to the heart of what’s so irritating about the self-righteous finger-wagging of various outraged journos, editors and social media types over recent weeks.

    The idea that those of us voting to retain the current ensign despite a long term (if low priority) desire to move to something new are somehow Traitors to the Cause. That a general preference for change means we should just automatically vote for any old dross, no matter how unsightly, embarrassing or mediocre, as long as it’s new.

    Can only come from people who have zero design sense (or are happy to disable that design sense in order to shill for our esteemed PM).

  10. Richard@Down South 10

    Why is Labour to blame? I didn’t like the process of selection, I didnt like ANY of the 4 options chosen by committee, and I didn’t like Red Peak… I decided that for myself…

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Project protects jobs and nature
    A Waitomo-based Jobs for Nature project will keep up to ten people employed in the village as the tourism sector recovers post Covid-19 Conservation Minister Kiri Allan says. “This $500,000 project will save ten local jobs by deploying workers from Discover Waitomo into nature-based jobs. They will be undertaking local ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 hours ago
  • Minister of Foreign Affairs makes three diplomatic appointments
    Foreign Affairs Minister Hon Nanaia Mahuta today announced three diplomatic appointments: Alana Hudson as Ambassador to Poland John Riley as Consul-General to Hong Kong Stephen Wong as Consul-General to Shanghai   Poland “New Zealand’s relationship with Poland is built on enduring personal, economic and historical connections. Poland is also an important ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 hours ago
  • Major redevelopment of Wainuiomata High School underway
    Work begins today at Wainuiomata High School to ensure buildings and teaching spaces are fit for purpose, Education Minister Chris Hipkins says. The Minister joined principal Janette Melrose and board chair Lynda Koia to kick off demolition for the project, which is worth close to $40 million, as the site ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    8 hours ago
  • New expert group appointed to advise Government on Oranga Tamariki
    A skilled and experienced group of people have been named as the newly established Oranga Tamariki Ministerial Advisory Board by Children’s Minister Kelvin Davis today. The Board will provide independent advice and assurance to the Minister for Children across three key areas of Oranga Tamariki: relationships with families, whānau, and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    12 hours ago
  • COVID-19 vaccine slated for possible approval next week
    The green light for New Zealand’s first COVID-19 vaccine could be granted in just over a week, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said today. “We’re making swift progress towards vaccinating New Zealanders against the virus, but we’re also absolutely committed to ensuring the vaccines are safe and effective,” Jacinda Ardern said. ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • New ACC Board members announced.
    The Minister for ACC is pleased to announce the appointment of three new members to join the Board of ACC on 1 February 2021. “All three bring diverse skills and experience to provide strong governance oversight to lead the direction of ACC” said Hon Carmel Sepuloni. Bella Takiari-Brame from Hamilton ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Economic boost for Southland marae
    The Government is investing $9 million to upgrade a significant community facility in Invercargill, creating economic stimulus and jobs, Infrastructure Minister Grant Robertson and Te Tai Tonga MP Rino Tirikatene have announced.  The grant for Waihōpai Rūnaka Inc to make improvements to Murihiku Marae comes from the $3 billion set ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Celebrating the Entry Into Force of the Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons
    [Opening comments, welcome and thank you to Auckland University etc] It is a great pleasure to be here this afternoon to celebrate such an historic occasion - the entry into force of the Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons. This is a moment many feared would never come, but ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Supporting disabled people to stay connected
    The Government is providing $3 million in one-off seed funding to help disabled people around New Zealand stay connected and access support in their communities, Minister for Disability Issues, Carmel Sepuloni announced today. The funding will allow disability service providers to develop digital and community-based solutions over the next two ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Voluntary saliva testing offered to quarantine workers from Monday
    Border workers in quarantine facilities will be offered voluntary daily COVID-19 saliva tests in addition to their regular weekly testing, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins said today. This additional option will be rolled out at the Jet Park Quarantine facility in Auckland starting on Monday 25 January, and then to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Next steps in firearms buy-back
    The next steps in the Government’s ambitious firearms reform programme to include a three-month buy-back have been announced by Police Minister Poto Williams today.  “The last buy-back and amnesty was unprecedented for New Zealand and was successful in collecting 60,297 firearms, modifying a further 5,630 firearms, and collecting 299,837 prohibited ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Jobs for Nature projects target iconic ecosystems
    Upscaling work already underway to restore two iconic ecosystems will deliver jobs and a lasting legacy, Conservation Minister Kiri Allan says.  “The Jobs for Nature programme provides $1.25 billion over four years to offer employment opportunities for people whose livelihoods have been impacted by the COVID-19 recession. “Two new projects ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • New Public Housing Plan announced
    The Government has released its Public Housing Plan 2021-2024 which outlines the intention of where 8,000 additional public and transitional housing places announced in Budget 2020, will go. “The Government is committed to continuing its public house build programme at pace and scale. The extra 8,000 homes – 6000 public ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Prime Minister congratulates President Joe Biden on his inauguration
    Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has congratulated President Joe Biden on his inauguration as the 46th President of the United States of America. “I look forward to building a close relationship with President Biden and working with him on issues that matter to both our countries,” Jacinda Ardern said. “New Zealand ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Jobs for Nature funding will create training and employment opportunities
    A major investment to tackle wilding pines in Mt Richmond will create jobs and help protect the area’s unique ecosystems, Biosecurity Minister Damien O’Connor says. The Mt Richmond Forest Park has unique ecosystems developed on mineral-rich geology, including taonga plant species found nowhere else in the country. “These special plant ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Pre-departure testing extended to all passengers to New Zealand
    To further protect New Zealand from COVID-19, the Government is extending pre-departure testing to all passengers to New Zealand except from Australia, Antarctica and most Pacific Islands, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins said today. “The change will come into force for all flights arriving in New Zealand after 11:59pm (NZT) on Monday ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Bay Cadets learn skills to protect environment
    Bay Conservation Cadets launched with first intake Supported with $3.5 million grant Part of $1.245b Jobs for Nature programme to accelerate recover from Covid Cadets will learn skills to protect and enhance environment Environment Minister David Parker today welcomed the first intake of cadets at the launch of the Bay ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Cook Islanders to resume travel to New Zealand
    The Prime Minister of New Zealand Jacinda Ardern and the Prime Minister of the Cook Islands Mark Brown have announced passengers from the Cook Islands can resume quarantine-free travel into New Zealand from 21 January, enabling access to essential services such as health. “Following confirmation of the Cook Islands’ COVID ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Supporting communities and landowners to grow employment opportunities
    Jobs for Nature funding is being made available to conservation groups and landowners to employ staff and contractors in a move aimed at boosting local biodiversity-focused projects, Conservation Minister Kiritapu Allan has announced. It is estimated some 400-plus jobs will be created with employment opportunities in ecology, restoration, trapping, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Border exception for some returning international tertiary students
    The Government has approved an exception class for 1000 international tertiary students, degree level and above, who began their study in New Zealand but were caught offshore when border restrictions began. The exception will allow students to return to New Zealand in stages from April 2021. “Our top priority continues ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Tiwai deal gives time for managed transition
    Today’s deal between Meridian and Rio Tinto for the Tiwai smelter to remain open another four years provides time for a managed transition for Southland. “The deal provides welcome certainty to the Southland community by protecting jobs and incomes as the region plans for the future. The Government is committed ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • New member for APEC Business Advisory Council
    Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has appointed Anna Curzon to the APEC Business Advisory Council (ABAC). The leader of each APEC economy appoints three private sector representatives to ABAC. ABAC provides advice to leaders annually on business priorities. “ABAC helps ensure that APEC’s work programme is informed by business community perspectives ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Govt’s careful economic management recognised
    The Government’s prudent fiscal management and strong policy programme in the face of the COVID-19 global pandemic have been acknowledged by the credit rating agency Fitch. Fitch has today affirmed New Zealand’s local currency rating at AA+ with a stable outlook and foreign currency rating at AA with a positive ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Additional actions to keep COVID-19 out of NZ
    The Government is putting in place a suite of additional actions to protect New Zealand from COVID-19, including new emerging variants, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins said today. “Given the high rates of infection in many countries and evidence of the global spread of more transmissible variants, it’s clear that ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • 19 projects will clean up and protect waterways
    $36 million of Government funding alongside councils and others for 19 projects Investment will clean up and protect waterways and create local jobs Boots on the ground expected in Q2 of 2021 Funding part of the Jobs for Nature policy package A package of 19 projects will help clean up ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • New Zealand Government acknowledges 175th anniversary of Battle of Ruapekapeka
    The commemoration of the 175th anniversary of the Battle of Ruapekapeka represents an opportunity for all New Zealanders to reflect on the role these conflicts have had in creating our modern nation, says Associate Minister for Arts, Culture and Heritage Kiri Allan. “The Battle at Te Ruapekapeka Pā, which took ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago