ImperatorFish: A day in the life of Simon Bridges

Written By: - Date published: 3:50 pm, April 10th, 2014 - 8 comments
Categories: Hekia parata, john key, russel norman, Satire - Tags: , ,

ImperatorFish generously allows us to repost some of his posts. It was impossible to resist this satire.

Apparently I signed a bunch of mining permits to allow exploratory drilling in areas of the conservation estate. It’s a bit harsh of the media to criticise me just because I don’t remember signing something. I don’t remember them ever doing the same to Russel Norman when he was a minister. It’s media bias, that’s what it is. This news media have got in in for National. The only ones who give us time of day nowadays are the major newspapers, radio stations and TV networks.

8:42 am

I see Don Brash is releasing his autobiography. I’ve always admired Don, and he was a great National Party leader who inspired me to get into politics. I’m a lot like Don, because I also entered politics to make a difference. When I saw what the left were doing to this country, I decided something had to be done. I will never forgive Russel Norman for the terrible things his government did during the early 2000’s.

11:13 am

I won’t let them rewrite our history. Other people may want to conveniently forget our recent past, but I remember everything done by the Greens during their time in office. It’s especially galling to hear the Greens talk about protecting the environment, when they have never done a single thing in government to preserve our forests, lakes or rivers.

4:33 pm

Fireworks in the House today, but I gave as good as I got. I really got under Russel Norman’s skin when I flung in his face his own record in government. He had to be rescued by Trevor and Winston in the end. I reckon John’s going to be delighted with my performance.

Wait, that’s the Prime Minister calling on the phone now. I’d better take that.

Hello?

Oh, yes, hi John. Yeah, good thanks. Did you see me in the House today?

Oh, that’s why you’re calling? What did you think? I almost had Russel Norman in tears.

What? Tears of laughter? Are you sure?

Um… yes, of course I know New Zealand’s recent political history.

What? He wasn’t? Not ever? Are you certain about that?

Look… couldn’t we just say he was a minister in the last Labour government? Surely no-one will check.

Yes, Prime Minister. Yes. Yes, yes I will, sir. I’m very sorry about that, Prime Minister. I’m sorry. So so sorry. I have let you down again.

4:49 pm

A parcel just arrived at my door, with a note attached: “Dear Simon, please read these. Love, Gerry”

Books! A History of New Zealand, and a New Zealand Atlas. The last one is full of pictures.

How interesting. I always wondered what that huge bit of land was called. South Island!

5:08 pm

I don’t know if I can go on. I have let the team down, and I’m now the laughing stock of the entire nation. Where do I go from here. Should I resign?

5:15 pm

Just asked Hekia what I should do. I told her I feel like I’m the weakest link in the entire Cabinet. I could swear I saw relief on her face as I said it. “Don’t you dare leave,” she told me.

8 comments on “ImperatorFish: A day in the life of Simon Bridges ”

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  1. lprent 1
    10 April 2014 at 3:56 pm

    Andrew Geddis has a similar but different view here in a ‘transcript’ from parliament yesterday. What is even more hilarious, is that some of it was actually not made up.

  2. ghostwhowalksnz 2
    10 April 2014 at 5:27 pm

    Every Dog has its Daybed

  3. fender 3
    10 April 2014 at 11:37 pm

    Yeah you set them straight Soymon, don’t forget to remind everyone Norman allowed mining on Great Barrier Island when he was Prime Minister…

  4. captain hook 4
    11 April 2014 at 9:39 am

    lokk in th emirror, check haircut.
    look in the mirror check haircut.
    look in the mirror check haircut.
    look in the mirror check haircut.

  5. ianmac 5
    11 April 2014 at 10:28 am

    Simon laughs and sneers at his political opponents. Sarcasm drips from his thin lips. But oh dear! When the Political World is rolling around laughing at him and his ineptness he finds it distinctly un-funny.
    Actually the Nat Ministers who have handed out the most acidic attacks are getting their come-uppance. Think Judith Collins. Think Simon Bridges. Watch this space for others like Paula Bennett and John Key.
    (Much better that during Question Time Speaker David Carter now sees to it that the microphone switches off the moment that people like Mr Key starts on his nasty bits. Well done Mr Carter.)

  6. captain hook 6
    11 April 2014 at 2:48 pm

    you mean he switches the microphone off when they ask him if he used to fix the currency market when he was a forex trader.
    Those fortunes that were made could only be obtained when the fix was in.
    If the market was really FREE then all those windfall profits would be arbitraged away in seconds.
    Okay for some I suppose.

    • ianmac 6.1
      11 April 2014 at 4:30 pm

      No. I mean that when Key answers a question in Question Time he has been getting away with pretty nasty jibes tacked onto the end of his reply. David Carter now has the PM’s microphone switched off as soon as he says the first words of spite. Key looks a bit pissed off because he must have a team of “comedy” writers preparing his stuff.
      As for answering important questions like about when he was Forex dealer, Key switches his own mike off.