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Simon Bridges wants a new senior social media advisor

Written By: - Date published: 8:00 am, November 6th, 2018 - 36 comments
Categories: Dirty Politics, humour, internet, interweb, Media, national, same old national, Satire, Simon Bridges, social media lolz - Tags:

Job Description

Full-time, events based position.  This means that your career, such as it was, could be over as soon as National hits 35% in the opinion polls or Judith gets the support of 5 caucus members, whichever occurs first.

The National Party Leader’s Office has a vacancy for a Senior Social Media Advisor. Reporting to the Head of Social Media, you will enjoy a collaborative work culture and provide expert advice to the National Party Leader and National Party MPs around social media.  We accept that use of the word “collaborative” is misleading as the philosophy of the National Party is to be as individualistic as possible and we hate socialist ideas such as collaboration.

Some of your responsibilities will include:

  • Developing and managing a high-level social media strategy for the National Party Leader and National Party MPs.
  • Crafting written and visual social media content.  Like this:And this:And not to mention this:
  • Keeping abreast of daily news and topical issues including all of the leaks coming from Jami-Lee Ross.
  • Working closely with MPs to develop engaging and innovative social media content like letsundothis which used a young hipster theme which unfortunately failed abysmally because young people thought the idea was really naff.
  • Optimising and monitoring social media budgets and ensure expectations are set and exceeded like getting Jian Yang more than a thousand facebook followers or Hamish Walker more than 500 twitter followers.

Senior Social Media Advisors would typically:

  • Have ideally five or more years of direct relevant work experience although this rules out everyone who is not working in Parliament now.
  • Be innately tech-savvy and have in-depth knowledge of social media platforms and latest trends as long as this involves Facebook only.
  • Have a proven track record of implementing social media campaigns – you know your way around Facebook Business Manager and Ads Manager. But no twitter users thanks, those freaks are far too radical for us.
  • Experienced and skilled working with Adobe creative suite, or similar especially the unlicensed version.
  • Be self-motivated, confident and have experience tasking and blaming other staff when things go wrong.
  • Have the sense not to breach Eminem’s intellectual property rights by using close copies of his songs that breached his copyright rights.
  • Not be Cameron Slater or Simon Lusk

Applications close at 5pm on Tuesday, 13 November 2018.

If you have any questions regarding this role please contact DeadEndJob@parliament.govt.nz

To apply for this job, please go to our job site https://careers.parliament.govt.nz/home and enter the job code DirtyPolitics.

36 comments on “Simon Bridges wants a new senior social media advisor ”

  1. ianmac 1

    Me. Me. Me. I have always gone for high risk adventures. Like the time I went bungee jumping without the harness. And the time I got into the lions’ cage to stroke the pussy. And there was the time I kissed Judith Collins.
    So Me for Senior Media Office job.

  2. Incognito 2

    This means that your career, such as it was, could be over as soon as National hits 35% in the opinion polls or Judith gets the support of 5 caucus members, whichever occurs first.

    So, the add will be pulled any moment.

  3. Rapunzel 3

    I have Adobe creative suite (the specific one you mentioned) but I also have a very delicate gag reflex which would preclude me from undertaking this work, or, should I call it, task.

  4. Ideally it would be someone with experience in lost causes and unwinnable battles and with a proven ability to alienate potential voters. Kim Dotcom and Sean Plunket spring to mind.

  5. Macro 5

    Well I tried to forward my CV but the link was broken. 🙁

  6. Stuart Munro 6

    I’ve worked for worse employers. Two things I’d want to know though – where is the predecessor buried. And, will they actually listen to advice, or are they just going through the motions.

  7. SaveNZ 7

    Yep, could be a Derek Handley position, dead in the water before you even step foot in the door.

    Please apply by video in a Star Trek uniform to show your suitability for the role. Since decision making by committee who don’t know anything about the subject is a lengthy affair allow yourself 6 months plus to be mucked around….

  8. Cinny 8

    Standby NZ…. simon is going to attempt a ‘trumpsonaro’.

    trumpsonaro = Win an election by investing ALL into social media, claiming mainstream media is fake news, while having one particular media network in ones back pocket.
    aka trump/fox news and bolsonaro/the bishop.

    Ok could be over thinking it….. maybe it’s as cut and dry as not being very popular on the FB and Twitter.

    Lmfao, bugger you got me there, most excellent post 🙂

  9. Ad 9

    C’mon guys this is getting like bayonetting the wounded.

    • Remember in saving private ryan when the kid let the enemy go and that enemy then killed one of his friends later…

      But i do agree a bit – bridges ain’t coming back – better to focus on policy (get the public fizzing about what the government IS doing) and focus on the dismal contenders no doubt getting ready to poke their heads up.

      • Adrian Thornton 9.1.1

        Yeh, that bit of the movie really reminds you that Steven Spielberg is the clunky third rate director that he is.

        • marty mars 9.1.1.1

          I quite like a lot of his movies.

          • Adrian Thornton 9.1.1.1.1

            So do I, I still think Duel is one of his finest, and he can be a lot of fun, but when he starts laying on the propaganda so thick you have to look around the sides of it to see the actual movie, then he becomes a real bore…IMO

    • RedLogix 9.2

      Exactly. It’s that moment when your opponent is on the ground … do you kick in in the head or not? It reveals character.

      • mickysavage 9.2.1

        Another Bridges Ross post would have been bayonetting them on the ground. This one was for light relief …

        • marty mars 9.2.1.1

          It’s good to have a sense of humour too. Onya micky.

        • RedLogix 9.2.1.2

          It’s an important political story, we can’t ignore it. And this post is pretty light-hearted really; I don’t have any problem with it.

          It’s the missed opportunity that intrigues me; exactly what kind of National party would we want to arise from this ?

          • Incognito 9.2.1.2.1

            It’s the missed opportunity that intrigues me; exactly what kind of National party would we want to arise from this ?

            Easy. A leaner, cleaner, and greener National Party 😉

    • Bill 9.3

      I was tired of the whole Bridges/Jamie-Lee thing before it even began…but I agree with Micky below that this post is light relief. (And well written)

    • AB 9.4

      Have to agree. Wake me up if something emerges that means jail-time for John Key. Otherwise, “meh!”

  10. Adrian Thornton 10

    Well on the flip side if you nailed it and saved Bridges sorry arse, or at least guided him to some sort of neutral ground, then you would be a legend in those circles and would be the most sort after PR person in NZ, as your career soars to unimaginable heights….all the while the fibers of your decaying humanity slowly disintegrate to unknown lows.

  11. SpaceMonkey 11

    It will be a brave person who joins that sinking ship.

  12. Chris 12

    Plenty of MSM candidates out there. How about
    Hamish Rutherford? He’s such a political powerhouse, original thinker, sharp, opinionated, right wing idealogue and fuckknuckle to boot. Perfect for the job.

  13. veutoviper 13

    Well, if anyone is not successful or interested in that position, perhaps this could be an alternative?

    https://www.whaleoil.co.nz/2018/11/whaleoil-volunteer-wanted-apply-within/

    Whaleoil has many wonderful volunteers working behind the scenes in order to be able to provide so much content each and every day on New Zealand’s largest and most popular ( by a country mile) blog.

    For a while now I have been loading the Daily Roundup which is easy but time-consuming as it involves collecting funny images from social media and websites as well as gifs.

    I put one gif and 5 funny photos/images into each post every day. These can be pre-loaded in advance for the week if you don’t want to have to do it every single day.

    What I do is have two folders on my desktop where I put all the images as I come across them. Then all I need to do each day is grab a gif, and select 5 images and put them into a post.

    The best person to take this task on is someone who is already a fan of the Daily Roundup and who is familiar with the kinds of fun things that are usually in it.

    Full training will be provided.

    If you are interested please contact me sb at whaleoil.co.nz and put Daily Roundup in the subject line.

    ROFL!

  14. Observer Tokoroa 14

    Before it’s too late >

    About the new Social Media Advisor for Simple Simon …

    Will the successful Appointee be able to cope with the ever smelly Speaker of the House and his none too dainty Deputy Speaker?

    Not to mention the strange smell of the recently revealed promiscuous National Caucus, and the especial dosages Paula and Taser Collins who is a close friend of sweet Cameron Slater and possibly the friend of the entire China Communist Party of Beijing.

    Don’t sign up to the Smell – is my advice.

    We have no Health Facility that can eradicate it – “National Stench Inc” has seen to that over the decades. Look what it has done to Aotearoa.

  15. How hard can it be? Keep posting and pick any one of:
    I want to make myself clear….
    I want to be clear…
    We’ve always been really clear…
    No, I don’t want to go into details on that…
    No, it isn’t appropriate at this time to go into details…
    Let me be really clear about this, we won’t be going into details…
    I have a string record of clarity…
    We are clearly keeping this government to account…
    Have I made myself clear?

  16. OnceWasTim 16

    There are probably quite a few bullet points missing in that ad.

    e.g.
    – being adept in moulding plasticine
    – adept in the art of dressing up mutton as sheep
    – pearl clutching techniques
    – lying like a trooper whilst maintaining a straight face
    – coaching MPs in the art of ‘nodding’ during QT, and AT LEAST trying to look authoritative
    – etc

    Wouldn’t it just be easier to farm it all out to a ticket clipper? like say Hayes or any number of other “spurts” – let them deal with the impossible. At least you’d have someone to blame when it all turns to shit and you’d have the advantage of being able to claim ‘independent advoice going forward’

  17. Nick 17

    I suggest chris T apply, or a couple of other bots that infect this site (i forget there id numbers).

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