BREAKING EXCLUSIVE: Allies win World War Two

Written By: - Date published: 8:59 am, February 27th, 2014 - 12 comments
Categories: Satire - Tags:

With breathless excitement at Imperator Fish broke this EXCLUSIVE story 13 hours ago. Scott has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts.

Stalingrad

Breaking: These Germans will be defeated.

In an exclusive report, Imperator Fish can now confirm that the Allies won World War Two.

We can now confirm that, despite a number of mistakes and reverses between 1939 and 1945, the Allies have been too strong for Hitler.

We are also calling the Pacific War for the Allies at this stage, and we expect official confirmation of their victory shortly.

The Allies were written off by many so-called experts, especially after the fall of France. The initial successes of the Germans during their invasion of Russia led to many of these armchair generals picking Hitler as the eventual victor, but here at Imperator Fish we never once wavered in our belief that the Allies would prevail.

This result will be a deep embarrassment to those commentators who picked a combined German/Japanese victory. They have been proven utterly wrong yet again, and it is only the fact that nearly all of them died long ago that prevents them from today experiencing utter humiliation.

The Allies’ victory in the War is a game-changer. It sets up a new battle between two global superpowers, capitalist America and socialist Russia, a battle we predict will ultimately be won by the socialist bloc.

Here at Imperator Fish we’re not afraid to make the big calls. That’s why we’re also sticking our necks out and calling the Second Punic War for Hannibal. The patience, manpower and military prowess of the Romans may frighten some people, but Hannibal is a tactical genius and has never lost a battle. Look out, Romans!

lprent: It isn’t hard to figure out who Scott was satirising last night. I read the draft of Micky’s post on the Matt McCartens appointment at about 7am yesterday – he was apparently in the running for the position. It got released after the announcement. The herald also had a story early as well. But I’d already known the result even earlier. Labour sometimes leaks like a sieve

12 comments on “BREAKING EXCLUSIVE: Allies win World War Two”

  1. greywarbler 1

    I’m thrilled to have this news. Now can you go further and make a prediction as to what Party/ies will win the 2014 election?

    It seems that Matt McCarten will be a useful tool in the battle for hearts and minds. Brains well I don’t think that enters into it. Thinking people wouldn’t be showing the polls we have seen recently. I seems to remember Matt was regarded as excellent in his organisation of the Alliance, goes after his heart’s belief. I hope that remains fixed on David Cunliffe.

  2. karol 2

    Wasn’t the “leak” about McCarten’s appointment, part of a managed announcement, ensuring maximum expectation and coverage?

    On 3 News last night, the report began with Cunliiffe’s announcement while the camera focused on the door to Cunliiffe’s office just before McCarten and Cunliffe emerged.

    Is this McCarten’s influence already in operation?

    • lprent 2.1

      They’re starting to get better about anticipation building in the Labour leaders office. Witness the leadup to Cunliffe’s Kelston speech.

      The corollary of that is that they still have some way to go on making sure of the follow through. A lot of that was somewhat sloppy and literally pulled apart so much after the speech that a large part of the impact was lost. Part of the problem is that the office hasn’t been fully staffed which has resulted in quite a lot of overwork and sloopy work.

      It could be McCarten’s initiative. Could be others who are already there. The signature is still all the same.

      I and obviously Scott just get a bit irritated with the “exclusive” bit when it was something that was well known and where we’d been following the requests of the people feeding us the info.

      Premature “EXCLUSIVE” ejeculation is just silly. Fast way to piss off sources and a good way to cause the story to go sideways into a story that isn’t the intent. Basically damn stupid.

      • hank 2.1.1

        Another part of the problem is that DC needs to grab the bull by the horns and just do it. It’s as though he’s finally got the big fish on the line that he’s always wanted and now doesn’t know how to land it…

  3. greywarbler 3

    Another bit of breaking news. Tony Ryall is retiring and going into the private realm. The pay is probably better. He was one of Jenny Shipleys Brat Pack with Sowry, Nick Smith etc. A bunch of B’s indeed, remove the B and what have you?

    Parliament is the quatemary (one after tertiary) learning institution for those with uni degrees or equivalent experience, for head-hunting corporates. In this case MPs should be paid less, paying their share to the country for their higher education which prepares them for possible $million salaries. It is a rort now!!! They are getting their education free on the poor taxpayer.

    [lprent: Tempted to push this to OpenMike as off topic but the question is what is the topic? I’ll note instead. ]

    • greywarbler 3.1

      I thought there was a short story in the exclusivity or not, of the breaking news which was about Matt McMarten’s appointment which became an open secret apparently.

      And then I heard the breaking news of Tony Ryall and threw that in as being in the breaking news theme. And then I thought – what’s he going to do and I started thinking about parliament being a training ground for the corporates. And it grew like Topsy.

  4. mickysavage 4

    Just to clarify I never applied for the position and my being suggested as a candidate was a surprise to me and a shock to a close relative!

  5. Rich 5

    Hitler lost?

    The Daily Mail will not be happy

    Hey mods: can you transmute this to an IMG SRC= ??

  6. rhinocrates 6

    Myself, I took as a parody of how slow to react the MSM are, being so used to reading about things in the specialist sites that turn up on budgie cage liner weeks afterwards.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • President Trump offers congratulations
    This morning Labour Leader and Prime Minister-elect Jacinda Ardern received a call from President Trump congratulating her on the outcome of the New Zealand election. "The President was genuinely interested in our election, and spoke about the coverage it had ...
    6 hours ago
  • Labour Ministers of the Crown announced
    Today caucus has elected the 21 Labour Ministers of the Crown who will serve in the new government’s executive, says Labour Leader Jacinda Ardern. “Across the board these members have the experience, expertise and drive I want in our team ...
    3 days ago
  • Agreement with New Zealand First to support a Labour-led Government
    Labour is pleased to have successfully concluded negotiations with New Zealand First as a critical step to forming a Labour-led progressive Government, says Labour Leader Jacinda Ardern. “I thank the New Zealand First Party and Leader Winston Peters for agreeing ...
    4 days ago
  • Bird of the Year – Loving Aotearoa
    I love that I live in a country where there is a competition for ‘Bird of the Year’. Right now, around New Zealand, there are teams and campaigns promoting the attributes of our native birds; from the famous kākāpo creeping ...
    GreensBy James Shaw
    6 days ago
  • A Post Election Update
    It’s the start of another week and I wanted to give you a quick update on what’s happening in relation to our efforts to form a new Government for New Zealand. We’ve been working hard to ensure that the issues ...
    GreensBy James Shaw
    1 week ago
  • Labour welcomes final election results
    Today’s final election count has strengthened the mandate for change, and for negotiations to continue in earnest, says Leader of the Opposition Jacinda Ardern. “We congratulate Angie Warren-Clark on becoming Labour’s 14th additional MP, which expands the Labour caucus to ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Lewis Moeau – he aituā, he aituā!
    Kua tau ngā pōkeao ki runga i te marae o Te Poho o Taharākau ki roto o Manutūkē, oti rā ki runga o Puketapu me Manawaru, ngā maunga tipua o te hautipua kua riro nei. E heke ana ngā roimata me ngā ...
    3 weeks ago