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IF: A day in the life of Matthew Hooton

Written By: - Date published: 7:39 am, March 25th, 2014 - 32 comments
Categories: david cunliffe, helen clark, Satire, Shane Jones, winston peters - Tags: , , , , ,

IF Day in LifeScott Yorke at Imperator Fish generously allows us to repost his posts. In this case he has been performing satire at the expense of one of our more colourful commenters (at least I hope it is satire).

6:08 am

I had a dream last night, in which Shane Jones walked away from the Labour Party and became the leader of New Zealand First. Winston retired from politics and went on to set up a bird rescue centre in a remote spot in the Raukumura Range, but the centre was burned down after two teenagers high on glue broke in and set it alight. The delicious smells of hundreds of roasted native birds attracted the attentions of the poor for miles around, and before long there was a riot, as desperate and hungry people tore at each other to get into the still-burning sanctuary. Several people suffered severe burns, but everyone agreed that it was the best feast the East Coast had seen for years.

I awoke in a fever and ran to my computer, and in seconds flat I had my NBR column finished.

7:12 am

Checked my iPredict stocks. There doesn’t seem much appetite for a move by Winston into the bird sanctuary industry. Disappointing. Decided to rewrite my column to take that bit out.

7:47 am

Was reading the newspaper over breakfast, and then started to wonder what would happen if David Cunliffe decided to join the Internet Party. It could happen. Cunliffe hasn’t been reported as meeting with Dotcom at any time, which is itself suspicious. What is he hiding? Are they meeting in secret? Is a full Labour-Internet Party merger on the cards?

9: 31 am

Cunliffe’s refusal to fess up to secret meetings with Kim Dotcom is lying by omission. Therefore, David Cunliffe is a liar. I will make this point during my regular weekly slot on the radio today.

11:52 am

I don’t understand Mike Williams. He’s a wet leftie, and yet he keeps agreeing with everything I say. It may be time for some serious soul-searching. Have I lost my edge? Have I become soft and centrist in my old age? I have to pull myself together!

12:40 pm

I got back to my office, still feeling down and wondering who or what to believe. I didn’t like the way this felt. So I closed the door, leaned back in my chair, and thought about Helen Clark. The more I thought about Helen Clark the angrier I got. I remembered why I hate socialists so much, and I immediately felt much better. Let that wet leftie Mike Williams agree with me if he wants. It doesn’t mean I’ve gone soft. It just shows that I can deliver a devastating and convincing argument.

3: 07 pm

Was thinking about all the lies David Cunliffe must have told the people around him over the years. Like when he was a kid and lied to his parents about cleaning his room, or at University when he lied to his tutor when asked whether he’d read all the course materials.

And just think of all those everyday little lies we tell our children. Did David Cunliffe lie to his children about the existence of Santa Claus?

If I could just uncover some of those lies. Maybe Cameron can do some digging.

3:32 pm

I’m immensely intelligent, and I’m also right-wing. It’s no coincidence.

So how can someone as well educated as Cunliffe be a leftie? That’s the biggest lie of all.

4:43 pm

I rang Shane and asked if he was joining New Zealand First.

“Notwithstanding you prognostications, Matthew, I have no plans at this time to paddle myself over to another waka. I am enfolded in Labour’s loving arms, and in her embrace I will take my pleasure,” he said.

“Winston and I are old mates, etcetera, but this is pure mischief-making, as you well know.”

A denial is as good as confirmation. It’s on! Quick! To iPredict!

32 comments on “IF: A day in the life of Matthew Hooton”

  1. anker 1

    Very funny!

    Are you out there Matthew??? You should read this. I think it captures you very well!

  2. vto 2

    What gets me about people like Mr Hooton is the way they never remove their blinkers. They stick to their patter like a dogma. These conservatives really have limited use in society – and never for the purposes of good advancement.

    This can of course be seen throughout New Zealand history whereby persuasions from the left have taken the nation to new and better places, whereas persuasions from the right have never. They merely consolidate to themselves. The left is willing to consider the new and admit to wrong, the right never.

    Another example of this critter is the fence post srylands. Never a new thought, never a critical analysis.

    Yep, Mr Hooton is of very limited use. That use is consolidation to his own.

    Bloody useless.

    • George D 2.1

      Hooton is much smarter than the average person on the right, as his comments are designed to create perceptions rather than being literal statements of opinion. As such, it’s a surprise that anything he says is taken at face value.

    • rhinocrates 2.2

      No, Hoots, despite a racist bastard being something any decent person would scrape off their shoe, it is in fact useful. It is stupid enough to make its agenda obvious while trying to conceal it. What do the Nats WANT you to think? See Hoots. Then ask why.

  3. Ant 3

    The use of “etcetera” nails Jones. 😀

  4. logie97 4

    http://www.radionz.co.nz/national/programmes/ninetonoon/audio/2590034/politics-with-mike-williams-and-matthew-hooton

    About 19:30 minutes into the discussion, Hooton suddenly becomes almost apoplectic over Labour’s Forestry policy.

    Somehow paying for the importation of steel products trumps adding value to homegrown products.
    But then the likes of Mathew no longer see New Zealand Inc as belonging to kiwis but rather just an outpost for the multi-nationals.

  5. miravox 5

    Satire, huh? Rings true.

  6. Rodel 6

    Good satire.

    Must re-read ‘The Hollow Men’ Now that’s satire, isn’t it?

    Who said, ‘F*** we’re good!’ in an e-mail? in spite of Crosby Textor’s contrary view.

    • rhinocrates 6.1

      “Thick and full of himself” I believe is what even its clients say of it according to Hager, who is a “Commo cunt” (lady parts being shameful, apparently) according to Hoots. No likelihood of of an engagement being announced soon, I think.

  7. captain hook 7

    you missed the bit about his elevator shoes and his fake rolex.

  8. thechangeling 8

    Pretty damn funny. Love to see it on screen. Oh that’s right public broadcasting got decimated by the right so opposing points of view couldn’t be offered! The maniacs continue to rule.

  9. Tracey 9

    i saw a newspaper headline on the weekend which included these words

    ” new zealand inc.”

    we are a society of people not a corporation. our nation ought to have more in common with a family than a company. i despair.

    • rhinocrates 9.1

      Yes, it’s very very sad. Somehow thinking of NZ inc” is a form of machismo. Whatever happened to nationhood? There is a kind of patriotism that is not nationalism or jingoism, but a celebration of our community and diversity as a family, not an implicit demand – as “NZ inc” is – that we all be good little worker bees.

      The implication of “NZ inc” is that if you’re not “productive”, you’ll be made redundant and your position “outsourced”.

      • Tracey 9.1.1

        it’s also a de-humanising thing to use Inc.. A company has no face, no emotion, just a financially based bottom-line.

        this is business people, harden up or fail, and if you fail you only had yourself to blame.

        ” There is a kind of patriotism that is not nationalism or jingoism, but a celebration of our community and diversity as a family,” agree 100%

  10. lurgee 10

    “So how can someone as well educated as Cunliffe be a leftie? That’s the biggest lie of all.”

    Sometimes great truths are spoken in jest.

  11. rhinocrates 11

    It was OK getting Hoots’ personal nastiness, paranoia and disingenuousness, but it missed the deep current of racism and misogyny that it too frequently shows.

    • Populuxe1 11.1

      I’m not sure I’d call him walking out of JT and Willie’s roastbuster fiasco “misogyny” – quite the opposite in fact.

      • rhinocrates 11.1.1

        That was a calculated branding exercise designed to get maximum publicity – you need to look at its regular casual statements when it thinks that it’s being a comedian.

        • rhinocrates 11.1.1.1

          Hoots even tweeted it in advance. For that shit, rape is just an opportunity for self-promotion.

          • Populuxe1 11.1.1.1.1

            Whatever – smells like a vendeta to me. He’s not worth it.

            • fender 11.1.1.1.1.1

              ” He’s not worth it.”
              +1

              His disrespect for Kathryn Ryan when she attempts to get him to shut his shit-filled diatribe is a weekly illustration..

              • rhinocrates

                True, Hoots is a lying sack of shit… but what that Goebbels wannabe represents with its race-baiting is sinister and must be opposed, because if it’s allowed, even worse will follow.

                I’ve Jewish family and friends old enough to remember the Holocaust and Hoots and its friends at the Marlborough Sounds Symposia gave inspiration to Anders Brevik.

                Don’t underestimate these bastards, because one day it will be too late.

                • lurgee

                  “one day it will be too late”

                  You sound a bit like Brevik yourself there, with his Götterdämmerung fantasies.

                  I suggest you relax a bit and stop throwing around words like “Nazi” and “Holocaust.” To paraphrase your own comment, these atrocities are just an opportunity for besmirching someone for – shock! Horror! – not sharing your political opinions.

                  • rhinocrates

                    OK, show where I sound like Brevik please.

                    Show where I always prefix “Maori” with “dumb”, “stupid” and “greedy” like Hoots. Show where I’ve inspired mass murder.

                    Say “It can’t happen here” and read a bit of NZ history.

                    Damn right I don’t agree with Hoots’ political opinions, because they are vile. I’m not embarrassed to hate evil.

                    Hoots is trying to make racism mainstream. That is evil.

                    I know that some liberal hypocrites like Russell Brown will “give him a hearing” because it flatters them and is never nasty to them personally and will behave at dinner parties, but that means nothing.

                    Also, I will not relax and you can go and fuck yourself. Sorry about that.

                    You’ve rightly named yourself after a general term for disease.

                    • lurgee

                      “OK, show where I sound like Brevik please”

                      I did. He fantasised about a future where Europe had been over-run by the verminous hordes of Islamist savages. You’re “Don’t underestimate these bastards, because one day it will be too late” is in a similar vein, given your hysterical blethering about “Holocausts” and “Nazis” and your desperate need to demonize people who disagree with you.

                      “Show where I always prefix “Maori” with “dumb”, “stupid” and “greedy” like Hoots. Show where I’ve inspired mass murder.”

                      Did I say you did?

                      You are seriously claiming Hooton always prefixes dumb / stupid / greedy to ‘Maori’? Really? Every single time?

                      Go and lie down, you nincompoop.

                      Incidentally, my ID is inspired by a song on Radiohead’s first album. Showing my age, I suppose.

                    • rhinocrates

                      I did. He fantasised about a future where Europe had been over-run by the verminous hordes of Islamist savages.

                      Whereas HISTORY shows that Europe was indeed overrun by racist savages from the supposedly most “civilised” culture. Your own language says a lot about you – a lot more than you intended. “Verminous”? Really? Is that what springs to mind?

                      This is not a “disagreement” as you so disingenuously and euphemistically put it. Opposition to racism is not a “disagreement” as if one side or the other were equally viable. It is a fundamental abhorrence of evil. The fact that you choose to reduce it to that speaks volumes.

                      Every single time?

                      Oh for fuck’s sake.. Strategically. OK, you’ll find a time that it doesn’t. Big fucking deal. It does that when it calculates that it will have a dog whistle effect. Don’t play lawyer with me, nit-picking. You know exactly what I mean and you’re looking for a loophole.

                      Go and lie down, you nincompoop.

                      “Nincompoop”? How quaint. How about “rapscallion”?

                      Sorry, I don’t take your commands. Funny how people won’t do that, eh?

                      Incidentally, my ID is inspired by a song on Radiohead’s first album. Showing my age, I suppose.

                      Gosh, how interesting that isn’t.

                      [Click to Edit | Delete] (7 minutes and 25 seconds)

                    • rhinocrates

                      Go and lie down, you nincompoop.

                      Oh come on, please.

                      I can take “fucking arsehole”, “bastard”, “idiot”, “Barry Manilow fan” and even “accountant”.

                      Try harder for my own amusement, please. Mwah, mwah xxxx, I miss you.

                    • lurgee

                      “Whereas HISTORY shows that Europe was indeed overrun by racist savages from the supposedly most “civilised” culture. Your own language says a lot about you – a lot more than you intended. “Verminous”? Really? Is that what springs to mind?”

                      When I am describing Brevik’s thought processes, yes. That’s how he imagined the future.

                      Now stop being silly. You’re beginning to sound quite distraught. As I said, lie down. Ninny.

                      “This is not a “disagreement” as you so disingenuously and euphemistically put it. Opposition to racism is not a “disagreement” as if one side or the other were equally viable. It is a fundamental abhorrence of evil. The fact that you choose to reduce it to that speaks volumes.”

                      You’re taking Hooton’s racism as a proven thing. Given the evidence seems to consist of your rather imaginative recollection of his past utterances, I’ll regaurd that with some scepticism, until you can actually provide actual evidence of his supposed ‘racism.’

                      Your portrayal of Hooton strikes me as a rather unflattering, unintentional self portrait. You call him a “Goebbels wannabe” with a sinister agenda but your continual abuse of another human being (over of some things you admit you kinda made up him saying) show you are the real “Goebbels wannabe,” heaping the abuse on the untermensch, the not human “lying sack of shit.” It’s hate speech, just as the ravings of the historical Goebbels was hate speech. He would recognise it and nod approvingly.

                    • rhinocrates

                      Hello Disease.

                      “That’s how he imagined the future.”

                      Then you have a remarkably vivid and oddly precise imagination.

                      “Your portrayal of Hooton strikes me as a rather unflattering, unintentional self portrait. blah blah blah wibble wibble”

                      Ah, now who’s showing “rather imaginative recollection” Doctor Lurgee? What medical school did you go to again? The same one as Shearer?

                      “Evidence of racism”

                      Okaaaay, it’s inability to write “Maori” without prefixing it with “stupid” or “dumb”. Yes of course you can find instances where your idol hasn’t done that and merely implied it. Have fun. Knock yourself out.

                      “As I said, lie down. Ninny.”

                      And as for the last paragraph, someone is definitely distraught judging by that hyperbole.

                      Sorry, I don’t respect your authoritah and you’re not even Cartman.

                      By the way, Hoots is already married.

                      Bored trolling you. Time for breakfast.

  12. captain hook 12

    and now its off to anger management class. the doc says if I dont get my temper under control then I might blow a fuse.

  13. Robert M 13

    Who is Mathew Hooton. Apparently he went to Kings, prep, Kings and then finished his secondary ed at Grammar in the last yrs of John Graham. After two years at Auckland uni he dropped out, and went off on the backpacker circuit in Europe. Encountering Auckland Bull farmer, single and fanatical pro nuke advocate , Lockwood Smith, he returned to NZ as a junior officer in the Richardson/ Shipley Nat govt. Hooton was a staunch advocate of bulk funding, strongly supported, I admit, by mother a former secondary teacher, ( but then again my mother was the single enthusiast for Uptons charging at the desk for basic hospital operations) but also most of the later primary school headmasters I attended TBHS with ( ie Hawkey, Poulter). I have always found it difficult to understand why Hooton was so enthusiastic about pudding basic No 9 haircut Ruth Richardson and so full of contempt for Shipley who was the one National MP who actually wanted to develop NZ as a modern western cosmopolitan nation, ie she put cafe and Courtenay Place bar strips down every provincial city in NZ, plus brothels and strip joints. I did attend National Party meetings at the time, against the extreme hostility of the Studholme aristocracy, who regarded Guy Salmon as tolerable, but recommended I just go back to Labour. Any National member, vote or even Stuart Boag who selected me for say a National conference, was overidden by the usual Turner ( Raymond chair). To most local Nat business/ farmer people the Shipley govt was loathed in the provinces, probably because the money was going to all the wrong people, bohemians, not them.
    The fact that the leading Brash advisors Keenan , Sinclair were probably accurate that Hooton was ‘mad” and essentially useless, and he was rapidly removed as a Brash speechwriter. I was of course as equally appalled by the Basic Brash speech, branding the Maoris as uneducated criminals and calling for locking up again all crims and those with mental illness. The Brash appeal was a direct appeal to the thick deevolved white vote in Auckland and the provinces, ie the low paid, SC failures in Auckland with 5 generations of failure in life, business and education, who mainly gain employment in state enterprises , of a generally punative and revenge type.
    Hooton blames Hager and the betrayal of English and Smith for the defeat of Brash , which is true enough, but it is difficult to see Brash holding together a neo liberal market reform govt for more than 6 months. At the personal level Brash lacked the political skills or necessary viciousness to do the job. My view was that Brash would have had no interest in supporting the US in terms of equipment and troops at the foreign policy level and was as much a ‘bleeding heart liberal as Marshall or his father, ie someone who would have been prepared to fight Muldoon and Holyoake inthe streets if Rob had achieved his wish to dispatch the 11 RNZAF B66 Canberra’s for bombing missions in Vietnam attached ot RAAF squadrons of older Canberra’s in the Central Highlands.
    For these and other reasons , I went to the Green meeting at the Avon Loop, Holiday Inn were I personally offered Jeanette Fitzimons my full support to defeat Brash. I covered my Avon Loop flat with Green posters and pictures of a Gearing destroyer firing a live nucler Asroc in 1962. I voted the full green ticket, I wasn’t going to vote for Tim Barnett.
    Their is no wiki for Hooton, presumably he has erased it, or is insig. Can you provide me with your bio , version for Hooton, as Auckland’s power hirerarchy is still difficult to decipher, although I suspect he is far less class than me.

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    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty
    2 weeks ago
  • Earthquake exposes training shortfall
    Kaikoura’s earthquakes have exposed the Government’s under investment in critical building and construction skills training, says Labour’s Building and Construction spokesperson Phil Twyford. “The Government needs to urgently ramp up the training of Kiwis in construction and engineering in the ...
    2 weeks ago
  • More cops needed to get P off our streets
    National’s cuts to Police funding and drug enforcement officers has seen a surge in cheap P on our streets, says Labour’s Police spokesperson Stuart Nash. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Who’s calling the shots? Bye bye surplus
    I would love to know who is calling the shots in the National government’s cabinet when it comes to deciding how best to spend taxpayers’ money.  On the evidence of the last few weeks, it definitely isn’t Finance Minister Bill ...
    GreensBy David Clendon
    2 weeks ago
  • Urgent rethink needed on workplace safety
      An urgent rethink is needed on the Government’s new workplace safety laws with the number of deaths this year already at the same level as at the same time in the 2015 calendar year, says Labour’s Associate Workplace Safety ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Rubble and rubbish: spending time in post-quake Kaikōura
    I visited Kaikoura over the weekend – basically to see how the community was coping with all the rubbish and rubble created by last week’s 7.8 magnitude earthquake, and to see my brother Rob. I may have mentioned before that ...
    GreensBy Denise Roche
    2 weeks ago
  • Time to pull the plug on state house sell-off
    The collapse of the planned sell-off of state houses in Horowhenua is an opportunity for the Government to call time on its troubled state house sell off policy, says Labour’s housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Treasury sounds warning bell – but National’s not listening
    Today's long term fiscal outlook issued by The Treasury is a welcome wake-up call on the need to dramatically improve and diversify our economy and properly plan for the future, Grant Robertson, Labour’s Finance Spokesperson says. “Through our Future of Work ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Don’t believe the hype – debt has skyrocketed under National
    The reckless dangling of tax cuts by the National Government is all the more irresponsible when it is put alongside the failure to pay down debt or put money aside for future superannuation costs, says Labour’s Finance Spokesperson Grant Robertson. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Our kids deserve better
    We don’t know how many children are affected by having learning support needs. I do know that far too many children are not getting the support they deserve for conditions like autism, dyslexia, and dyspraxia. When these conditions are not ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty
    2 weeks ago
  • Talk of tax cuts is plain crazy
      John Key’s talk of tax cuts when the Government has $63 billion of debt, superannuation costs are rising by $1 billion a year and the cost of meeting another natural disaster, is just plain crazy, says Labour Leader Andrew ...
    2 weeks ago