Key ‘not sure’ which Bennett he appointed

Written By: - Date published: 10:42 pm, May 6th, 2010 - 82 comments
Categories: benefits, national/act government, Satire - Tags: ,

Press release, New Zealand Government

Prime Minister John Key explained today that there are two Paula Bennetts and he is unsure which one is Minister of Social Development. The two are easily confused.

The first Paula Bennett is a solo mum who relied on the DPB while bringing up her daughter alone. The second Paula Bennett has attacked DPB mums and forced them to seek work.

The first Paula Bennett made use of the Training Incentive Allowance to get a qualification to help her off the DPB. The second Paula Bennett scrapped the Training Incentive Allowance and publicly attacked DPB mums for daring to complain by releasing their private information.

The first Paula Bennett said in her maiden speech:

“when we hear of someone, currently working, who becomes pregnant, one of our first questions is: ‘How long will she be taking off work?’ There is a subtle—and sometimes not so subtle—push for women to return to the workforce as soon as possible. But I ask members not to misunderstand me. I advocate for choice—for women to work part time or full time in paid work, or not at all, or to stay at home and raise their children.”

The second Paula Bennett removed that choice for women and has undertaken a media campaign to paint beneficiaries as bludgers.

The first Paula Bennett, when Massey University Student Association President, wrote:

“Fees suck and fee increases just piss me off. Damn the Nat’s who bring cuts to our education system, make us pay for them out of student loans that will take many people decades to pay off. In my own case, I will probably still be paying off my student loan when my daughter gets to university age; her future looks promising!”…”don’t vote for f**k wits.”

The second Paula Bennett has made tertiary education more expensive for people trying to get off a benefit.

The first Paula Bennett is a Taupo girl. The second Paula Bennett puts on a persona based on a caricature of Westies.

“I don’t get why she pretends to be like that, is she mocking her electorate?” said the perplexed PM, “She acts like a bit character that was rejected from Outrageous Fortune as too implausible”.

The Prime Minister vowed to get to the bottom of which Paula Bennett is Minister for Social Development just as soon as he gets back from his next photo op.

82 comments on “Key ‘not sure’ which Bennett he appointed ”

  • Comments are now closed

  1. Jim Nald 1
    6 May 2010 at 10:53 pm

    Hilarious.

    But it is so true.

    I weep.
    Not tears of joy.
    Nor of sadness.
    But of fury

    captcha: removed

  2. r0b 2
    6 May 2010 at 11:02 pm

    Zet – brilliant!

  3. helover 3
    6 May 2010 at 11:33 pm

    Bennett is a big fat cow. She is just a total bully. If you dont want to work you shouldnt have to

    • Daveosaurus 3.1
      6 May 2010 at 11:59 pm

      Is that you, “Hone” Carter?

    • Marty G 3.2
      7 May 2010 at 12:10 am

      the weight comment is not really called for, helover

      • Draco T Bastard 3.2.1
        7 May 2010 at 12:25 am

        Actually, his entire comment is uncalled for. Completely lacking in anything even remotely resembling coherent thought.

        • Jim Nald 3.2.1.1
          7 May 2010 at 12:40 am

          With the words one chooses,
          the meaning one shapes,
          and the nuances one shades,
          the mind behind the comment is revealed.

          • Bored 3.2.1.1.1
            7 May 2010 at 7:25 am

            Actually I quite like cows, nice and fat fed on real grass grown on rainwatered verdant pasture. Associating Bennett with such a rural idyll sort of puts me off.

    • A Nonny Moose 3.3
      7 May 2010 at 12:27 pm

      Bennetts looks or weight have absolutely nothing to do with her ability, or lack thereof, to do her job.

      I do not like what Bennett does, but I will stand up against misogynistic crap like this. Allow a woman to succeed or fail on her intelligence, work ethic and merits, not her looks thank you.

  4. greenfly 4
    7 May 2010 at 7:23 am

    Jim notes that helover’s off a farm.
    Why is commenting on Bennett’s figure ‘off limits’?
    She’s carrying a lot of weight, too much in my opinion.
    Should we pretend not to notice?
    As Jim kinda says,
    “The mind behind the body is revealed”.

    • Bored 4.1
      7 May 2010 at 7:29 am

      Seems it might only be possible to replace Bennett with another heavyweight lightweight. Nact is full of fat cat intellectually challenged sorts.

    • QoT 4.2
      7 May 2010 at 7:50 am

      Well, we could blow your mind with the idea that fatness actually doesn’t tell you anything about a person’s health and lifestyle …

      But let’s just avoid that argument and go with “if it isn’t fucking on for Cameron Slater to say Helen looks like a man, it isn’t fucking on to slag off Paula for her appearance either.”

      I mean, come on, people. Didn’t Zet just go and give us a whole list of actual reasons to criticise her?

  5. greenfly 5
    7 May 2010 at 7:26 am

    And is calling her ‘fatty’ worse than giving her facial hair?

    captcha – obviously

    • r0b 5.1
      7 May 2010 at 7:37 am

      Chill greenfly, it’s a nod to the mirror universe Spock vs Evil Spock meme:

      http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2530/3795818707_69d77e3eb2.jpg

      • Tigger 5.1.1
        7 May 2010 at 8:07 am

        Yep greenfly, you really need to brush up on your popular culture.
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirror_Universe_%28Star_Trek%29

        • pollywog 5.1.1.1
          7 May 2010 at 8:51 am

          I woulda gone for the Bizarro universe from Superman.

          In the Bizarro world of “Htrae” (“Earth” spelled backwards), society is ruled by the Bizarro Code which states “Us do opposite of all Earthly things! Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is big crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro World!”.

          for example, a salesman is doing a brisk trade selling Bizarro bonds: “Guaranteed to lose money for you”. Later, the mayor appoints Bizarro No. 1 to investigate a crime, “Because you are stupider than the entire Bizarro police force put together”. This is intended and taken as a great compliment.

          Sounds like the gubbmint have been plagiarising policy from comic books so it’s no wonder all their Key personell are cartoon caricatures…scary eh ?

          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bizarro_World

      • Brett 5.1.2
        7 May 2010 at 9:46 am

        Christ you guy’s are such nerds.
        I think the lack of cool within the Labour party might be stifling it some what.

        • r0b 5.1.2.1
          7 May 2010 at 10:57 am

          Christ you guy’s are such nerds.

          And proud of it.

          I think the lack of cool within the Labour party might be stifling it some what

          Because, like, old white guys in suits are so cool? You might want to check the demographics of the various parties before you make such a silly claim!

          • Lew 5.1.2.1.1
            7 May 2010 at 11:10 am

            But r0b, I was haughtily informed last night that “NZers are sick ‘n tired of that stuff, you’ll turn people away from MMP” and that my esteemed correspondent would “look at what [the white, elderly patrician object of my criticism] is saying with interest now, knowing he is the target of this sort of abuse. ”

            Surely that’s an argument so powerful that it’s not necessary to talk about it?

            L

            • r0b 5.1.2.1.1.1
              7 May 2010 at 2:56 pm

              Surely that’s an argument so powerful that it’s not necessary to talk about it?

              No, couldn’t argue with that, wouldn’t even try…

  6. greenfly 6
    7 May 2010 at 7:44 am

    Nothing wrong with a beard on a woman rOb.
    Some people like to call a spade a spade, or in this case a steam shovel.

  7. bahandhumbug 7
    7 May 2010 at 7:47 am

    Judging by those photos she should really be part of the labour lesbian left….. cue indignant outrage.

    • Eddie 7.1
      7 May 2010 at 8:11 am

      What the hell is going on in this thread?

      • Lew 7.1.1
        7 May 2010 at 8:20 am

        The bigots don’t know on which basis they should hate — ideology, appearance, class, or what. So they turn on the crazy.

        L

        • bahandhumbug 7.1.1.1
          7 May 2010 at 8:41 am

          Perhaps you should encourage your authors to stop doing crazy posts…….. the journey to the blogs you hate is now complete …. Luke I am your father.

          [lprent: Crazy is fun. Authors put up what they choose to. The problem is that with Bennett the truth is stranger than fiction. To establish the essentially farcical nature of her reality you have to get quite extreme.]

          • Pascal's bookie 7.1.1.1.1
            7 May 2010 at 8:43 am

            nah, you’re just a space cadet.

          • Marty G 7.1.1.1.2
            7 May 2010 at 9:01 am

            I think we don’t do enough satire. I often think I’m too serious and should remember to take the piss more.

            Good one, Zet 🙂

            • Rex Widerstrom 7.1.1.1.2.1
              7 May 2010 at 2:00 pm

              Hear, hear. Take a leaf out of Jon Stewart’s book, you dour Marxists 😛

        • Lew 7.1.1.2
          7 May 2010 at 9:00 am

          Heh. That takes the coveted prize of “comment most detached from reality” for my week.

          L

    • A Nonny Moose 7.2
      7 May 2010 at 12:31 pm

      Then here it is. You sir, are a sexist, homophobic pig.

      See my above comment about looks vs ideology, and add in sexual orientation.

  8. mickysavage 8
    7 May 2010 at 7:50 am

    I don’t think comments about Paula’s weight are helpful. I know some very good lefties who have seen one too many pie wrappers.

    But comments about her hypocrisy are spot on.

    And her pseudo westie stuff drives me spare. I can assure everyone that westies are far more sophisticated than that. Paula has aimed for the trash end of the segment without realising that most westies are actually put off by it.

    Roll on 2011. Carmel Sepuloni for Waitakere.

  9. greenfly 9
    7 May 2010 at 8:03 am

    I don’t think comments about Paula’s hypocrisy are useful.
    She shouldn’t be pilloried for her failings there, she’s probably not able to act in any other way and for all we know, she might be under-going a help programme to reduce her hypocrisy.
    Why do we pick on the woman for something that might be beyond her control?
    It would be kinder to work on something she potentially could do something about – her weight.

  10. Di 10
    7 May 2010 at 8:10 am

    Greenfly – are you Paul Henry?

  11. Bored 11
    7 May 2010 at 8:26 am

    Now we have had our little fun bit of fun we can come back to Paula. My question is really what choice has Key got when there are portfolios to be Ministered to, and the N/MACT benches are full of equivalently hopeless political lightweights and time serving dullards?

    • bahandhumbug 11.1
      7 May 2010 at 8:42 am

      The same choice as Clark methinks.

      • mickysavage 11.1.1
        7 May 2010 at 8:51 am

        Wingnut rule 1.

        If you are losing the argument suggest that Helen Clark was/did as bad if not worse.

        • bahandhumbug 11.1.1.1
          7 May 2010 at 9:03 am

          Reality check No 2 Clark had to deal with just as many drongos amongst her MPs and Ministers as Key has to.

          H1 and H2 managed this pretty well with a few lapses along the way.

          But I forgot the world according to the true party apparatchik is that the other team are the font of all evil and our team are all light and goodness.

  15. TightyRighty 15
    7 May 2010 at 9:49 am

    the third bennet. the one who presided over the largest drop in unemployment for HLS in the last 30 years. brilliant

    • ghostwhowalksnz 15.1
      7 May 2010 at 10:02 am

      A statistical glitch.
      They use a survey to run numbers through a model which is then put in the hands of the spin doctors. The numbers will be revised down in a few months ( when we arent looking)
      We are back to the 2nd Bennett who has presided over a big increase in unemployment OVER THE LAST YEAR. Compare the numbers from a year ago, its all bad.

      Funny thing the big banks are itching for a rate rise, yet the inflation hasnt moved.

    • mickysavage 15.2
      7 May 2010 at 10:06 am

      Presided?

      Labour’s stimulus package in 2008 and its repayment of crown debt has more to NZ’s recovery than anything this Government has done, even the make believe bikeway that smile and wave has talked about.

      Brillant? More like an accident of timing.

    • TightyRighty 15.3
      7 May 2010 at 4:46 pm

      blah blah blah. lots of nonsense from the irrelevants from the peanut gallery. face some facts, for over a year the left have been calling for paula bennets head because unemployment was rising. now it’s fallen faster than ever. hat meet mouth.

  16. ianmac 16
    7 May 2010 at 10:24 am

    Satire does relate to reality and Paula Bennet does present a set of hypocritical contradictory beliefs. Almost as though she has become her own mirror image. Or is that the province of the PM?

  17. greenfly 17
    7 May 2010 at 10:52 am

    The image used by Zetetic in this post is an insult to Paula Bennett.

    I mean the image on the left.

  18. Alexandra 18
    7 May 2010 at 10:59 am

    There are similarities between Ms Bennett and elements of the dairy industry. She shits on women who remind her of her past. Her shit pollutes any reasonable response to the growing needs of struggling parents and their children. Bennett cares little about the effect her shit is causing on the home environment. Shes a dirty polluting politician and Im guessing there will be a major clean up in Waitakere next year.

    • bored 18.1
      7 May 2010 at 1:16 pm

      So true, BUT I still think dont like dairy cows, lovely creatures being compared to Bennett.

      As for Bennetts physical appearance, it reflects an issue that has become taboo amongst certain persuasions. You cant mention the word “fat” without irate howls. you cant even point out the reasons why without consequent outrage, the facts no longer overcome the emotion. As a formerly fat person (its bloody difficult to lose it and keep it off but for most of us it can be done) I think that we might want to consider that we have a minister who is demanding that beneficiaries tighten their belts but who is not setting much of an example.

      • The Voice of Reason 18.1.1
        7 May 2010 at 3:33 pm

        I’ve had a few weeks to think about this subject, bored. I commented on Bennett’s weight in less than favourable terms a month or so ago and was rightly called on it by QoT at the time. In reflecting on it, I think its OK to talk about the hypocrisy of calling for restraint and sacrifice in the poor, while obviously having no regard for the same personally. Bennett clearly has gained a lot of weight in 18 months, but she won’t be alone in parliament. It’s a sedantary job, with free lunches aplenty and little time for exercise. Hardly surprising that weight is gained and fitness is lost.

        I’m in Melbourne right now and there is a similar, but reverse debate going on about the amount of time Lib’s leader Tony Abbott spends on bikes, doing triathlons and swimming in god awful budgie smugglers. I guess you can’t win, either way.

        The one thing I do know is that my Aussie cobbers think it’s fucken hilarious that a Minister could cock it up so badly, so often, and still stay in the job. Over here, rorting the system is just about tolerable for pollies, but incompetence is a short cut to the out door. They wanna know why she is still in the job. Me too.

      • B 18.1.2
        7 May 2010 at 6:46 pm

        I absolutely agree that an overweight minister who is responsible for policies and sanctions which may cause children and their families to go without food is repulsive and I would say immoral as well. But too often women seem to be targeted because of their appearance while the (far from attractive!) male MPs are criticised only for their policies.

      • QoT 18.1.3
        8 May 2010 at 12:34 am

        but for most of us it can be done

        You may rightly take from TVoR’s comment that this is a constant peeve of mine, but feel free to provide actual evidence of the above any time, bored.

    • bahandhumbug 18.2
      7 May 2010 at 1:17 pm

      Scat fantasies ?

  19. eye saw 19
    7 May 2010 at 11:18 am

    Goodluck Jonathon Key.

    • Jim Nald 19.1
      7 May 2010 at 1:08 pm

      Easy me me minor moo
      I’d say he’d get others to bet on the left, and then sneak out and himself bet on the right.

  20. B 20
    7 May 2010 at 4:45 pm

    As a West Aucklander I can say that only a small segment of the pop bear any resemblence to Bennetts ridiculous caricature of a ‘westie’.

    • felix 20.1
      7 May 2010 at 6:28 pm

      Agreed. It seems calculated to appeal to the ex-ponsonby aspirational types who’ve moved to Titirangi.

  21. millsy 21
    7 May 2010 at 6:43 pm

    I think Paula Bennetts weight is fair game. Cameron Slater and David Farrar both run sites where attacking female Left politicians over there appearance (or, even members of the public). And they and their supporters are pretty nasty as well. Plus their little mates, the likes of Cactus Kate, Barnsley Bill, and so on and so forth. They show no quarter to our side, so why should we show decency towards them at all. Let us not forget that that Paula Bennett has become a pretty nasty person since she got her ministerial warrant, and there are a lot of nasty people in the National caucus, and a lot of nasty people on the outside during their dirty work (such as Christine “its a Maori/Jewish/Catholic/Black/Indian/Irish problem” Rankin). And dont get me started on talk back

    I have long advicated taking the fight to the Right, and taking them on in the sewers and dark alleys, and it is about time, you guys stepped up to the plate and doing it. You really need to start calling Paula Bennett a short fat bitch who wants to stamp all over solo mothers with her stillettos. And mean it.

    • just saying 21.1
      7 May 2010 at 7:42 pm

      When I popped into this thread this morning it looked like a thread from whale oil. I’m glad it has been cleaned up because it was offensive and ugly.
      FFS she has repeatedly shown herself to be corrupt pig-ignorant (sorry pigs) nasty vindictive, deceitful, cruel, hypocritical, sadistic, craven……….
      What’s her appearance compared to all that. Under the circumstances why would be the way she looks be on the tips of so many tongues, at the top of so many lists. There is no shortage of legitimate insults.
      Fight them in the gutters and sewers by all means. There is a ton of ammunition. There is no need to become the sewer to fight in it.
      This isn’t about being decent to them, it’s about decent to our own.

    • Rex Widerstrom 21.2
      7 May 2010 at 8:46 pm

      Do you want to rally the troops in an echo chamber? Then by all means be as nasty as you like.

      Or do you want to put forward reasoned arguments that may convert, or keep converted, fair minded people who might otherwise be flummoxed by the blandishments of your opponents? Then don’t.

      Also, you want to look like a ten year old? Then make with the fat jokes.

      So it’s a matter of tactics and self-respect, I’d say.

      • Bored 21.2.1
        7 May 2010 at 9:26 pm

        OK Rex, gloves off in a precise way. Bennetts performance and record since she took office demonstrate that she is a complete waste of space, incompetent, untruthful, disorganised, intellectually challenged, corrupt, vindictive, a bully and a truly undesirable specimen of humanity from every angle (appearance excepted as it is deemed not her fault). QED. Any further evidence required please refer to Zets story.

        PS Cows and pigs are truly fabulous creatures, apologies to them for being caught up in the sordid grubiiness elicited by the afore mentioned minister who comparitively amounts to nothing in particular.

        Better?

        • Rex Widerstrom 21.2.1.1
          8 May 2010 at 12:01 am

          Yep, don’t disagree with any of your analysis Bored. And in fact I personally think that “B” above has a point when s/he says that there’s an uncomfortable disconnect between an overweight Minister preaching belt-tightening to a sector of society which can barely afford the basics.

          The point I was making was merely that raising appearance diverts attention, and debate, from the truly excreable characteristics you’ve enumerated, and risks making the person who raised it look vindictive and immature.

  22. just saying 22
    8 May 2010 at 9:51 am

    In fighting ‘dirty’ like the right does, is it alright to use racial or homophobic slurs because ‘they’ do?

    Focussing on any ministers appearance rather than what they say and do trivialises them. It is sexist because it is a constant issue for women MPs but seldom happens to male MPs. Why shouldn’t women MPs be taken as seriously as men?

    Seems to me that many here were just gagging to hone-in on Bennett’s weight. And sure, if Gerry Brownlee had been in Bennett’s shoes I’m sure ‘fat’ would have come up. But it wouldn’t have been the primary focus and the thread wouldn’t have turned into something like one of whale-oil’s finest. (Obviously I’m talking about pre-moderation here).

    All the ‘factions’ of the left have to work together – to get rid of NACT, and to clean-up and rebuild if and when we do. There’s no way around it. So let’s suck-it-up and get on with it.

  23. Bored 23
    8 May 2010 at 11:33 am

    My good lady just commented to me to “watch this space, Bennett will be off to have the “politicians operation” because she is too bloody lazy to look after her health. And we will pick up the tab…..”.

    Dont know if she is on the money but if I were a betting man………………

  24. John W 24
    9 May 2010 at 8:01 pm

    Slagging off the person is despicable but not useless. National does it all the time. Helen Clark got married as she had wind of the campaign organized against her from National’s “masters” offshore before she made her move to lead the party..

    You have to be thick to believe that finding fault in a person can therefore somehow produce credible critique of policies surrounding that persons political stance, but that doesn’t stop personal slagging and name calling campaigns from making selfish, narrow minded, greedy short term profit takers from using such rubbish to justify their position.

    Hypocrisy is an issue. Motivation as a driving force is a key issue. Consistent patterns give the best long term insight.
    The present course is not sustainable in spite of anything Paula says and she probably doesn’t matter. Just another pawn who has yet to learn the game.

  25. SPC 25
    10 May 2010 at 1:04 pm

    Will the real Professor Saunders read his own book when helping to review our welfare policy?

    http://www.stuff.co.nz/dominion-post/politics/3671720/Pay-per-view-says-professor

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