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Key ‘not sure’ which Bennett he appointed

Written By: - Date published: 10:42 pm, May 6th, 2010 - 82 comments
Categories: benefits, national/act government, Satire - Tags: ,

Press release, New Zealand Government

Prime Minister John Key explained today that there are two Paula Bennetts and he is unsure which one is Minister of Social Development. The two are easily confused.

The first Paula Bennett is a solo mum who relied on the DPB while bringing up her daughter alone. The second Paula Bennett has attacked DPB mums and forced them to seek work.

The first Paula Bennett made use of the Training Incentive Allowance to get a qualification to help her off the DPB. The second Paula Bennett scrapped the Training Incentive Allowance and publicly attacked DPB mums for daring to complain by releasing their private information.

The first Paula Bennett said in her maiden speech:

“when we hear of someone, currently working, who becomes pregnant, one of our first questions is: ‘How long will she be taking off work?’ There is a subtle—and sometimes not so subtle—push for women to return to the workforce as soon as possible. But I ask members not to misunderstand me. I advocate for choice—for women to work part time or full time in paid work, or not at all, or to stay at home and raise their children.”

The second Paula Bennett removed that choice for women and has undertaken a media campaign to paint beneficiaries as bludgers.

The first Paula Bennett, when Massey University Student Association President, wrote:

“Fees suck and fee increases just piss me off. Damn the Nat’s who bring cuts to our education system, make us pay for them out of student loans that will take many people decades to pay off. In my own case, I will probably still be paying off my student loan when my daughter gets to university age; her future looks promising!”…”don’t vote for f**k wits.”

The second Paula Bennett has made tertiary education more expensive for people trying to get off a benefit.

The first Paula Bennett is a Taupo girl. The second Paula Bennett puts on a persona based on a caricature of Westies.

“I don’t get why she pretends to be like that, is she mocking her electorate?” said the perplexed PM, “She acts like a bit character that was rejected from Outrageous Fortune as too implausible”.

The Prime Minister vowed to get to the bottom of which Paula Bennett is Minister for Social Development just as soon as he gets back from his next photo op.

82 comments on “Key ‘not sure’ which Bennett he appointed ”

  1. Jim Nald 1


    But it is so true.

    I weep.
    Not tears of joy.
    Nor of sadness.
    But of fury

    captcha: removed

  2. r0b 2

    Zet – brilliant!

  3. helover 3

    Bennett is a big fat cow. She is just a total bully. If you dont want to work you shouldnt have to

    • Daveosaurus 3.1

      Is that you, “Hone” Carter?

    • Marty G 3.2

      the weight comment is not really called for, helover

      • Draco T Bastard 3.2.1

        Actually, his entire comment is uncalled for. Completely lacking in anything even remotely resembling coherent thought.

        • Jim Nald

          With the words one chooses,
          the meaning one shapes,
          and the nuances one shades,
          the mind behind the comment is revealed.

          • Bored

            Actually I quite like cows, nice and fat fed on real grass grown on rainwatered verdant pasture. Associating Bennett with such a rural idyll sort of puts me off.

    • A Nonny Moose 3.3

      Bennetts looks or weight have absolutely nothing to do with her ability, or lack thereof, to do her job.

      I do not like what Bennett does, but I will stand up against misogynistic crap like this. Allow a woman to succeed or fail on her intelligence, work ethic and merits, not her looks thank you.

  4. greenfly 4

    Jim notes that helover’s off a farm.
    Why is commenting on Bennett’s figure ‘off limits’?
    She’s carrying a lot of weight, too much in my opinion.
    Should we pretend not to notice?
    As Jim kinda says,
    “The mind behind the body is revealed”.

    • Bored 4.1

      Seems it might only be possible to replace Bennett with another heavyweight lightweight. Nact is full of fat cat intellectually challenged sorts.

    • QoT 4.2

      Well, we could blow your mind with the idea that fatness actually doesn’t tell you anything about a person’s health and lifestyle …

      But let’s just avoid that argument and go with “if it isn’t fucking on for Cameron Slater to say Helen looks like a man, it isn’t fucking on to slag off Paula for her appearance either.”

      I mean, come on, people. Didn’t Zet just go and give us a whole list of actual reasons to criticise her?

  5. greenfly 5

    And is calling her ‘fatty’ worse than giving her facial hair?

    captcha – obviously

    • r0b 5.1

      Chill greenfly, it’s a nod to the mirror universe Spock vs Evil Spock meme:


      • Tigger 5.1.1

        Yep greenfly, you really need to brush up on your popular culture.

        • pollywog

          I woulda gone for the Bizarro universe from Superman.

          In the Bizarro world of “Htrae” (“Earth” spelled backwards), society is ruled by the Bizarro Code which states “Us do opposite of all Earthly things! Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is big crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro World!”.

          for example, a salesman is doing a brisk trade selling Bizarro bonds: “Guaranteed to lose money for you”. Later, the mayor appoints Bizarro No. 1 to investigate a crime, “Because you are stupider than the entire Bizarro police force put together”. This is intended and taken as a great compliment.

          Sounds like the gubbmint have been plagiarising policy from comic books so it’s no wonder all their Key personell are cartoon caricatures…scary eh ?


      • Brett 5.1.2

        Christ you guy’s are such nerds.
        I think the lack of cool within the Labour party might be stifling it some what.

        • r0b

          Christ you guy’s are such nerds.

          And proud of it.

          I think the lack of cool within the Labour party might be stifling it some what

          Because, like, old white guys in suits are so cool? You might want to check the demographics of the various parties before you make such a silly claim!

          • Lew

            But r0b, I was haughtily informed last night that “NZers are sick ‘n tired of that stuff, you’ll turn people away from MMP” and that my esteemed correspondent would “look at what [the white, elderly patrician object of my criticism] is saying with interest now, knowing he is the target of this sort of abuse. ”

            Surely that’s an argument so powerful that it’s not necessary to talk about it?


            • r0b

              Surely that’s an argument so powerful that it’s not necessary to talk about it?

              No, couldn’t argue with that, wouldn’t even try…

  6. greenfly 6

    Nothing wrong with a beard on a woman rOb.
    Some people like to call a spade a spade, or in this case a steam shovel.

  7. bahandhumbug 7

    Judging by those photos she should really be part of the labour lesbian left….. cue indignant outrage.

    • Eddie 7.1

      What the hell is going on in this thread?

      • Lew 7.1.1

        The bigots don’t know on which basis they should hate — ideology, appearance, class, or what. So they turn on the crazy.


        • bahandhumbug

          Perhaps you should encourage your authors to stop doing crazy posts…….. the journey to the blogs you hate is now complete …. Luke I am your father.

          [lprent: Crazy is fun. Authors put up what they choose to. The problem is that with Bennett the truth is stranger than fiction. To establish the essentially farcical nature of her reality you have to get quite extreme.]

          • Pascal's bookie

            nah, you’re just a space cadet.

          • Marty G

            I think we don’t do enough satire. I often think I’m too serious and should remember to take the piss more.

            Good one, Zet 🙂

            • Rex Widerstrom

              Hear, hear. Take a leaf out of Jon Stewart’s book, you dour Marxists 😛

        • Lew

          Heh. That takes the coveted prize of “comment most detached from reality” for my week.


    • A Nonny Moose 7.2

      Then here it is. You sir, are a sexist, homophobic pig.

      See my above comment about looks vs ideology, and add in sexual orientation.

  8. I don’t think comments about Paula’s weight are helpful. I know some very good lefties who have seen one too many pie wrappers.

    But comments about her hypocrisy are spot on.

    And her pseudo westie stuff drives me spare. I can assure everyone that westies are far more sophisticated than that. Paula has aimed for the trash end of the segment without realising that most westies are actually put off by it.

    Roll on 2011. Carmel Sepuloni for Waitakere.

  9. greenfly 9

    I don’t think comments about Paula’s hypocrisy are useful.
    She shouldn’t be pilloried for her failings there, she’s probably not able to act in any other way and for all we know, she might be under-going a help programme to reduce her hypocrisy.
    Why do we pick on the woman for something that might be beyond her control?
    It would be kinder to work on something she potentially could do something about – her weight.

  10. Di 10

    Greenfly – are you Paul Henry?

  11. Bored 11

    Now we have had our little fun bit of fun we can come back to Paula. My question is really what choice has Key got when there are portfolios to be Ministered to, and the N/MACT benches are full of equivalently hopeless political lightweights and time serving dullards?

    • bahandhumbug 11.1

      The same choice as Clark methinks.

      • mickysavage 11.1.1

        Wingnut rule 1.

        If you are losing the argument suggest that Helen Clark was/did as bad if not worse.

        • bahandhumbug

          Reality check No 2 Clark had to deal with just as many drongos amongst her MPs and Ministers as Key has to.

          H1 and H2 managed this pretty well with a few lapses along the way.

          But I forgot the world according to the true party apparatchik is that the other team are the font of all evil and our team are all light and goodness.

  12. TightyRighty 15

    the third bennet. the one who presided over the largest drop in unemployment for HLS in the last 30 years. brilliant

    • ghostwhowalksnz 15.1

      A statistical glitch.
      They use a survey to run numbers through a model which is then put in the hands of the spin doctors. The numbers will be revised down in a few months ( when we arent looking)
      We are back to the 2nd Bennett who has presided over a big increase in unemployment OVER THE LAST YEAR. Compare the numbers from a year ago, its all bad.

      Funny thing the big banks are itching for a rate rise, yet the inflation hasnt moved.

    • Presided?

      Labour’s stimulus package in 2008 and its repayment of crown debt has more to NZ’s recovery than anything this Government has done, even the make believe bikeway that smile and wave has talked about.

      Brillant? More like an accident of timing.

    • TightyRighty 15.3

      blah blah blah. lots of nonsense from the irrelevants from the peanut gallery. face some facts, for over a year the left have been calling for paula bennets head because unemployment was rising. now it’s fallen faster than ever. hat meet mouth.

  13. ianmac 16

    Satire does relate to reality and Paula Bennet does present a set of hypocritical contradictory beliefs. Almost as though she has become her own mirror image. Or is that the province of the PM?

  14. greenfly 17

    The image used by Zetetic in this post is an insult to Paula Bennett.

    I mean the image on the left.

  15. Alexandra 18

    There are similarities between Ms Bennett and elements of the dairy industry. She shits on women who remind her of her past. Her shit pollutes any reasonable response to the growing needs of struggling parents and their children. Bennett cares little about the effect her shit is causing on the home environment. Shes a dirty polluting politician and Im guessing there will be a major clean up in Waitakere next year.

    • bored 18.1

      So true, BUT I still think dont like dairy cows, lovely creatures being compared to Bennett.

      As for Bennetts physical appearance, it reflects an issue that has become taboo amongst certain persuasions. You cant mention the word “fat” without irate howls. you cant even point out the reasons why without consequent outrage, the facts no longer overcome the emotion. As a formerly fat person (its bloody difficult to lose it and keep it off but for most of us it can be done) I think that we might want to consider that we have a minister who is demanding that beneficiaries tighten their belts but who is not setting much of an example.

      • The Voice of Reason 18.1.1

        I’ve had a few weeks to think about this subject, bored. I commented on Bennett’s weight in less than favourable terms a month or so ago and was rightly called on it by QoT at the time. In reflecting on it, I think its OK to talk about the hypocrisy of calling for restraint and sacrifice in the poor, while obviously having no regard for the same personally. Bennett clearly has gained a lot of weight in 18 months, but she won’t be alone in parliament. It’s a sedantary job, with free lunches aplenty and little time for exercise. Hardly surprising that weight is gained and fitness is lost.

        I’m in Melbourne right now and there is a similar, but reverse debate going on about the amount of time Lib’s leader Tony Abbott spends on bikes, doing triathlons and swimming in god awful budgie smugglers. I guess you can’t win, either way.

        The one thing I do know is that my Aussie cobbers think it’s fucken hilarious that a Minister could cock it up so badly, so often, and still stay in the job. Over here, rorting the system is just about tolerable for pollies, but incompetence is a short cut to the out door. They wanna know why she is still in the job. Me too.

      • B 18.1.2

        I absolutely agree that an overweight minister who is responsible for policies and sanctions which may cause children and their families to go without food is repulsive and I would say immoral as well. But too often women seem to be targeted because of their appearance while the (far from attractive!) male MPs are criticised only for their policies.

      • QoT 18.1.3

        but for most of us it can be done

        You may rightly take from TVoR’s comment that this is a constant peeve of mine, but feel free to provide actual evidence of the above any time, bored.

    • bahandhumbug 18.2

      Scat fantasies ?

  16. eye saw 19

    Goodluck Jonathon Key.

    • Jim Nald 19.1

      Easy me me minor moo
      I’d say he’d get others to bet on the left, and then sneak out and himself bet on the right.

  17. B 20

    As a West Aucklander I can say that only a small segment of the pop bear any resemblence to Bennetts ridiculous caricature of a ‘westie’.

    • felix 20.1

      Agreed. It seems calculated to appeal to the ex-ponsonby aspirational types who’ve moved to Titirangi.

  18. millsy 21

    I think Paula Bennetts weight is fair game. Cameron Slater and David Farrar both run sites where attacking female Left politicians over there appearance (or, even members of the public). And they and their supporters are pretty nasty as well. Plus their little mates, the likes of Cactus Kate, Barnsley Bill, and so on and so forth. They show no quarter to our side, so why should we show decency towards them at all. Let us not forget that that Paula Bennett has become a pretty nasty person since she got her ministerial warrant, and there are a lot of nasty people in the National caucus, and a lot of nasty people on the outside during their dirty work (such as Christine “its a Maori/Jewish/Catholic/Black/Indian/Irish problem” Rankin). And dont get me started on talk back

    I have long advicated taking the fight to the Right, and taking them on in the sewers and dark alleys, and it is about time, you guys stepped up to the plate and doing it. You really need to start calling Paula Bennett a short fat bitch who wants to stamp all over solo mothers with her stillettos. And mean it.

    • just saying 21.1

      When I popped into this thread this morning it looked like a thread from whale oil. I’m glad it has been cleaned up because it was offensive and ugly.
      FFS she has repeatedly shown herself to be corrupt pig-ignorant (sorry pigs) nasty vindictive, deceitful, cruel, hypocritical, sadistic, craven……….
      What’s her appearance compared to all that. Under the circumstances why would be the way she looks be on the tips of so many tongues, at the top of so many lists. There is no shortage of legitimate insults.
      Fight them in the gutters and sewers by all means. There is a ton of ammunition. There is no need to become the sewer to fight in it.
      This isn’t about being decent to them, it’s about decent to our own.

    • Rex Widerstrom 21.2

      Do you want to rally the troops in an echo chamber? Then by all means be as nasty as you like.

      Or do you want to put forward reasoned arguments that may convert, or keep converted, fair minded people who might otherwise be flummoxed by the blandishments of your opponents? Then don’t.

      Also, you want to look like a ten year old? Then make with the fat jokes.

      So it’s a matter of tactics and self-respect, I’d say.

      • Bored 21.2.1

        OK Rex, gloves off in a precise way. Bennetts performance and record since she took office demonstrate that she is a complete waste of space, incompetent, untruthful, disorganised, intellectually challenged, corrupt, vindictive, a bully and a truly undesirable specimen of humanity from every angle (appearance excepted as it is deemed not her fault). QED. Any further evidence required please refer to Zets story.

        PS Cows and pigs are truly fabulous creatures, apologies to them for being caught up in the sordid grubiiness elicited by the afore mentioned minister who comparitively amounts to nothing in particular.


        • Rex Widerstrom

          Yep, don’t disagree with any of your analysis Bored. And in fact I personally think that “B” above has a point when s/he says that there’s an uncomfortable disconnect between an overweight Minister preaching belt-tightening to a sector of society which can barely afford the basics.

          The point I was making was merely that raising appearance diverts attention, and debate, from the truly excreable characteristics you’ve enumerated, and risks making the person who raised it look vindictive and immature.

  19. just saying 22

    In fighting ‘dirty’ like the right does, is it alright to use racial or homophobic slurs because ‘they’ do?

    Focussing on any ministers appearance rather than what they say and do trivialises them. It is sexist because it is a constant issue for women MPs but seldom happens to male MPs. Why shouldn’t women MPs be taken as seriously as men?

    Seems to me that many here were just gagging to hone-in on Bennett’s weight. And sure, if Gerry Brownlee had been in Bennett’s shoes I’m sure ‘fat’ would have come up. But it wouldn’t have been the primary focus and the thread wouldn’t have turned into something like one of whale-oil’s finest. (Obviously I’m talking about pre-moderation here).

    All the ‘factions’ of the left have to work together – to get rid of NACT, and to clean-up and rebuild if and when we do. There’s no way around it. So let’s suck-it-up and get on with it.

  20. Bored 23

    My good lady just commented to me to “watch this space, Bennett will be off to have the “politicians operation” because she is too bloody lazy to look after her health. And we will pick up the tab…..”.

    Dont know if she is on the money but if I were a betting man………………

  21. John W 24

    Slagging off the person is despicable but not useless. National does it all the time. Helen Clark got married as she had wind of the campaign organized against her from National’s “masters” offshore before she made her move to lead the party..

    You have to be thick to believe that finding fault in a person can therefore somehow produce credible critique of policies surrounding that persons political stance, but that doesn’t stop personal slagging and name calling campaigns from making selfish, narrow minded, greedy short term profit takers from using such rubbish to justify their position.

    Hypocrisy is an issue. Motivation as a driving force is a key issue. Consistent patterns give the best long term insight.
    The present course is not sustainable in spite of anything Paula says and she probably doesn’t matter. Just another pawn who has yet to learn the game.

  22. SPC 25

    Will the real Professor Saunders read his own book when helping to review our welfare policy?


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    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • New Chief Coroner appointed
    Coroner Anna Tutton has been appointed as the new Chief Coroner, Attorney-General David Parker announced today. Anna Tutton was appointed as a Coroner in January 2015, based in Christchurch, and as Deputy Chief Coroner in 2020.  After the previous Chief Coroner, Judge Deborah Marshall, retired Ms Tutton took on the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • DIRA Amendment Bill passes third reading
    The Government has passed an Amendment Bill today to support Fonterra’s move to a new capital structure and the continued success of New Zealand’s dairy industry. The Dairy Industry Restructuring (Fonterra Capital Restructuring) Amendment Bill will allow the Fonterra co-operative to make changes to its capital structure, as well as ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Minister Whaitiri to attend Food Ministers’ Meeting with Australian counterparts
    Minister for Food Safety Meka Whaitiri will attend the Fourth Australia and New Zealand Food Ministers’ Meeting in Melbourne on Friday. It will be the first time the meeting has been held in person since the Covid-19 pandemic disrupted international travel. “The Food Ministers’ Meeting sets the policy direction for ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • New Kiwibank parent appoints directors
    David McLean and Sir Brian Roche have been appointed as the first two directors of the newly incorporated Kiwi Group Capital Limited (KCG), the parent company of Kiwibank. In August, the Government acquired 100 percent of Kiwi Group Holdings, which also operates New Zealand Home Loans, from NZ Post, ACC ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Defence Ministers meet in Cambodia
    Minister of Defence Peeni Henare attended the Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) Defence Ministers’ Meeting-Plus (ADMM-Plus) in Siem Reap, Cambodia. “The first face to face meeting of the ADMM-Plus members is an opportunity for me to highlight New Zealand’s position on key regional security matters,” Peeni Henare said.  “In ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Pay equity extended to thousands more social workers
    The Government will extend pay equity to all community and iwi organisations who employ social workers and receive funding from the Crown, Minister for Women Jan Tinetti announced today. We expect this will improve the lives of approximately 4,600 social workers. “This extension means thousands more social workers will be ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Taskforce set up to protect construction industry from product shortages & delays
    New ‘Critical Materials Taskforce’ will trouble shoot building materials shortages Focus on maximising productivity & cushioning businesses from supply chain risks Successful ‘Plasterboard Taskforce’ reshaped to include broader sector knowledge and expertise Will provide guidance, data and information to support builders, designers and business owners A new Critical Materials Taskforce ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Bigger ED, more theatres and more beds in new Whangārei Hospital
    A new emergency department with three times more space will be part of the first stage of a two-stage project to build a new hospital for Whangārei and Northland. The Government has today confirmed funding for stage one of the new hospital – an acute services building and a child-health ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Finnish PM to visit New Zealand
    Finland’s Prime Minister Sanna Marin, accompanied by Minister for Development Cooperation and Foreign Trade Ville Skinnari and a business delegation will visit New Zealand next week, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern announced today. The two leaders will meet in Auckland. “New Zealand and Finland are natural partners. We share similar approaches ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • New recreational rules to support hāpuku and bass fisheries
    The daily limits on recreationally caught hāpuku (also known as groper) and bass will be lowered to a total of two per person in some areas, with a new accumulation limit of three per person on multi-day trips. Oceans and Fisheries Minister, David Parker said the rule changes would take ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Jobs for Nature enabling Mātāuranga Māori
    Mātāuranga Māori is at the heart of the latest tranche of Jobs for Nature projects set to promote biodiversity and reduce impacts of climate change on Māori land, Minister of Conservation Poto Williams says. Project work will include the creation of an ecological corridor in Tairāwhiti, protecting 60 hectares of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Supporting resilient shipping infrastructure in Vanuatu
    The Government has announced further support to Vanuatu to assist in constructing climate-resilient wharves as part of the Vanuatu Inter-Island Shipping Support Project (VISSP). “Aotearoa New Zealand is committed to supporting the economic recovery of our Pacific region in a way that continues to provide growth and supports climate resilience,” ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Government welcomes High Court ruling on climate case
    The High Court has today confirmed the legality of the advice provided by the Climate Change Commission (the Commision) to inform New Zealand’s nationally determined contribution (NDC) and the first three emissions budgets.  Minister of Climate Change James Shaw says New Zealanders can have confidence in the Commission and of ...
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    1 week ago