Stung by Earthquake Recovery Minister Gerry Brownlee’s admission that the eastern suburbs had been neglected after the Christchurch Earthquake, John Key is redoubling his efforts: “For the first few days, I stuck my head down and got on with designing the emergency benefit policy but, with winter approaching, the people need me to return to my strengths.”
Acclaimed comedian, multi-millionaire and sometime Prime Minister Key has promised a photo-op a week until Christchurch is back on its feet.
“As Prime Minister, it’s the least I can do” explained Key:
“It was cool that Stephen Fleming organised his old cricket buddies for a charity match but it wouldn’t have been the same if I hadn’t made an appearance. Seeing me whack a full-toss from Warnie (he said I could call him Warnie, how cool is that!?) to the boundary would have really lifted spirits in Christchurch homes. Well, those that have power. And I bet they got a giggle out of my Liz Hurley comment, I spent ages working on it”
Key denied that such photo-ops were pointless:
“Do you really think they would have sold-out the Basin just to see some old cricket greats? Nah, they came to see me. Besdies, Fujitsu donated $100,000 to the Christchurch relief fund because I hit that four. Of course, Fujitsu would have donated the money anyway (imagine how churlish they would have looked if they refused!) and they could have done it without the palaver but we talked and we decided that what the people of Christchurch really needed was for people in Wellington to watch me play ham it up while playing a bit of cricket.”
Next on the photo-op list is this week’s memorial day.
“It just so happened that Prince William had a pre-arranged trip this week to Australia to check out the floods meaning it will be easy for him to pop over here. I can assure you that it was only a coincidence that we picked this unseemly early date but the stills of me and the future King looking sombre while inspecting the rubble will play get in the weekend papers, which, by the by, are great for layering between days in your long-drop to help control the pong”
Key was coy on future photo ops. He said he had something “really sweet” lined up for next week, “think: All Blacks and Zorbs” and re-iterated his plan to appear on Letterman and Oprah to raise money, although those appearances “would count for two weeks”.