Memo from Crosby Textor – National’s leak problem

Written By: - Date published: 7:34 am, December 5th, 2018 - 23 comments
Categories: humour, jacinda ardern, making shit up, national, paula bennett, same old national, Satire, Simon Bridges, spin, the praiseworthy and the pitiful, you couldn't make this shit up - Tags: , ,

Memo from Crosby Textor

To senior office holders in the National Party

As part of this firm’s intelligence gathering role we have kept up to date with New Zealand politics even though our professional services are not currently required.

We have prepared this memo because the New Zealand conservative movement has become a laughing stock throughout the world, even worse than their Australian counterpart. Scott Morrison’s favourability ratings are not as bad as Simon Bridges’ and this is not a situation we ever thought could occur.

It seems clear to us that the party is in melt down, shown by the number of recent leaks that have occurred.

In no particular order this year there has been the following leaks.  The list is not exhaustive.  They include:

Simon Bridges’ claim that the latest leak did not come from within National is laughable and mirror his previous identical claim which was also laughable.  This is even worse than his earlier claim that he used his prosecutorial skills to ascertain that Trevor Mallard was the leaker, a claim made shortly before he announced that it was actually Jami-Lee Ross who was the leaker.

And besides it should be abundantly clear that Ross is not the current leaker.  The possibility is that there are many leakers from within National’s caucus.

We always were concerned that the evidence supporting the allegation that Jami-Lee Ross was the original leaker of Bridges’ travel information was not sufficient.  We understand that he was, but the public justification was weak in the extreme.  We accept however that if Ross’s motivation for leaking the information was exposed it would cause further reputational damage to the party.

One final piece of advice.  There has been recent concerted effort to denigrate Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern on the basis she did not front up yesterday to Parliament.  She was in an important meeting with the head of South Korea. Such criticism makes the party look churlish and lacking in important matters to criticise the Government about.  We recommend that further attacks of this sort are not pursued with.

Should your party wish to engage our services again there will be a 30% premium applied to our normal charges given the enormity of the job and the potential risk to our reputation.

Under no circumstances should the contents of this memorandum be disclosed to anyone outside of the immediate distribution list. Any publication of it is bound to bring further ridicule on the party.

23 comments on “Memo from Crosby Textor – National’s leak problem”

  1. Clive Macann 1

    Had to smile right through this on such a nasty looking day, weatherwise. Thanks, Crosby Textor Group. lol

  2. Doogs 2

    Somebody needs to put their finger in the dyke!

  3. Dennis Frank 3

    A well-compiled list there. Makes the Nat caucus seem like a colander: `you’re wrong, this container has no holes’. In that analogy, the water that is poured into it is anything that makes a rival Nat look bad.

    Conservative rivalry is big in the UK media currently but not here. We need more exposure. RNZ is being proactive:

    Turns out that Simon Lusk has become a shapeshifter. The gun-nut thing has been displaced by the blue-green activist stance. “The Havelock North resident filed a case against the Hawke’s Bay Regional Council in the Environment Court in August, using evidence from a Waimarama farm which he said used feedlots that were damaging soils and groundwater.”

    Goddam polluting Nat-voters getting away with regional councillor collusion, you can see why he was pissed off. And now the bureaucrats are trying to make him pay for blowing the whistle!!

    • Graeme 3.1

      A lot of the “gun nut” brigade are hunters and fishermen, and very passionate about environmental protection where it affects their interests, like keeping rivers clean so they can go fishing. Unfortunately this environmental concern can be rather selective, not having fossil fuels for their double cab ute might be another matter.

      But Lusk has been very active in campaigning against dairy in Hawkes Bay and the Ruataniwha dam proposal.

      • Dennis Frank 3.1.1

        Well, good on him then. I wonder if he’s actually a member of the blue-greens. That would be useful info. The seventies Values schism casts a long shadow…

  4. veutoviper 4


    [Initially posted on OM but then decided better here.]

    RNZ is reporting that they have received a text as above.

    Fairly short so here is most of the report:

    ” … The anonymous texter, who leaked details of National’s internal polling last week, has hit back at the party’s leader who said the leak did not come from within his caucus.

    After last week’s National Party caucus meeting RNZ received a text message outlining details of internal polling, claiming there was a lot of disappointment among caucus members.

    Simon Bridges yesterday said the leak did not come from within his caucus, and would not discuss the polling numbers which were not as flattering as a recent public poll.

    “I’m not going to talk about internal polls, what we know is we’ve got a poll there that’s public, that’s 46 percent, that shows we’ve got momentum, you can understand there’ll be speculation and rumours.”

    He was asked about the internal polling, putting his party 4 points lower at 41 percent.

    “I don’t talk about internal polls, it’s a Labour Party trick.”

    After RNZ ran the story with Mr Bridges’ comments, it received another text from the same anonymous person saying Mr Bridges was foolish for thinking the polling leak did not come from a National MP.

    The texter offered details of what happened in yesterday’s caucus meeting as proof they were an MP.

    RNZ has been unable to verify the texter’s identity.” END

    And here is the link to RNZ’s earlier report yesterday with Bridges’ claiming the link of the internal polling did not come from a Nat MP.

  5. Nick 5

    Some natz working hard to oust bridges. Could the Standard run a poll?

    • Anne 5.1

      What is going on? There’s dissension in the ranks to be sure, but it looks like it’s getting out of control. At least three factions have developed and they’re all fighting one another? The methods being used are more brutal than Labour’s former spats but this is to be expected from National.

  6. greywarshark 6

    A 2014 piece from Chris Trotter that went into The Press then would make some relevant points to now. He quotes a *study on the USA by an academic there as well as from Nicky Hager’s book Dirty Politics.

    * The American scholar, Kathleen Hall Jamieson’s, Dirty Politics: Deception, Distraction and Democracy, was first published by the Oxford University Press in 1992.

  7. Michelle 7

    Looks like the leaker wants soimon gone who has the most to gain by this ?

  8. ankerawshark 8

    It must be hard being blue right now. Having to appear supportive of Bridges, where every fibre of your being is yelling Noooooooooooooooooooooooo

    BTW Simon why don’t you do another enquiry into who is the leaker, given the last one went so well………………………………………………….

    For those of us at the time after the report came out who queried it be Jami-Lee, good on us………………….

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