Octagon Mine Plans Announced

Written By: - Date published: 11:58 am, April 22nd, 2010 - 12 comments
Categories: Mining, Satire - Tags:

The Great National Mining Corporation has chosen Earth Day to announce its plans to seek government approval to mine in Dunedin’s Octagon.

Commenting on the irony of the timing of the release of their plans, GNMC spokesman Doug de Houlle said ‘What better day than Earth Day? The government wants mining and we can move the earth to do it.’

The Great National Mining Company has been carrying out exploration and prospecting by aerial surveys around the country ‘for some time now’, and has already confirmed substantial deposits of Iron Pyrites in the Helensville and Ilam areas. ‘We’ve been held up since 1997 when the National Government said some places are too precious to mine but now we see the green light for us to get stuck in.’ Mr de Houlle said. ‘We think we can fix this country if people can put up with a bit of inconvenience for 20 years or so’ he added.

While the company’s plans require a series of ‘small-ish’ holes around the Octagon, the roads and buildings are expected to be affected by mine access tunnels, a processing plant and waste-storage areas. The company concedes that the Octagon’s trees ‘will probably have to go’ and the Robbie Burns statue poses a hazard if it remains in its current position. ‘There’s some pretty good metal in it (the statue) so we can probably get a reasonable price for it.’ Mr de Houlle said. ‘In fact, you’ve got some other old statues and historic relics with high mineral potential so we’re looking at those next’.

Mr de Houlle was non-committal when asked about benefits for Dunedin ratepayers from this venture. His company is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Allott de Houlle’s, based in Australia and owned by the Big Yankee Bank. ‘We are doing this for the prosperity of your city and country’ he said defensively ‘OK, Australia will benefit more but you have to trust us.”

“After all you’re pretty desperate’.

Iron pyrite is a mineral commonly referred to as ‘fools’ gold’, the cause of many failed hopes in the 19th century Otago and Coromandel gold-rushes.

Provided by Brian Dixon for Earth Day

12 comments on “Octagon Mine Plans Announced”

  1. Bill 1

    “The company concedes that the Octagon’s trees “will probably have to go'”

    Hallelujah!

    And will subsidence perhaps lead to the terrible drinking holes around the periphery of the Octagon falling into holes of the gaping variety? Kind of like in that mining classic, ‘Paint Your Wagon’?

    Hallelujah!

    Which will have the affect of closing the Octagon to vehicular traffic?

    Hallelujah again!

    When can we start?

    • prism 1.1

      Very provocative Bill. Dunedin is full of solid stone buildings, probably high in rare earth elements and definitely should be bored into to gain samples for analysis.

      Bill did you catch up with my idea about you and your fount of ideas? You were musing about how you would rate on a ‘rabid Left’ scale. Perhaps a rabid dog you thought. I suggested Pelican Bill (being filled with ideas and fishing for answers).

      • Bill 1.1.1

        Don’t know about the fishing for answers…but a pelican does have a big enough gullet where unpalatable orthodoxies can stick and be stored awhile…to foment perhaps?…before being puked back down the throats of the thoughtless bastards who tried to impose them from on high in the first place?

  2. Fisiani 2

    Apparently they are mining to find the retro trendy hip soul of the defunct Labour Party.

  3. Ianmac 3

    You failed to mention the need to re-route traffic away from the Octogon and that the roads for 3 km will be taken over for mine traffic. “This may make you a little uncomfortable and cause a little inconvenience but after all this is for your own good,” as Bishop Brownlee said to the Act-stress.

  4. outofbed 4

    Meanwhile

    The ultimate Earth Day present
    Green Party Co-leader Metiria Turei couldn’t be happier that her Member’s Bill giving permanent protection to New Zealand’s wild places was pulled from the ballot on Earth Day, at a time when these places are under assault from mining.

    http://www.greens.org.nz/bills/crown-minerals-protection-public-conservation-land-listed-fourth-schedule-amendment-bill

    • Pascal's bookie 4.1

      I’ve often though it would make a nice symmetry if Member’s Bills could be treated as conscience votes.

      Still, yay Turei, and at least it will get the parties’ votes on the record.

  5. prism 5

    My idea of boring into stone buildings I think has promise. Something round can bear a large weight can’t it. So little holes, or chips taken for analysis would not weaken stone. Why dig up our lovely country made over millions of years, beyond man’s powers to create, when we have stone structures all around that can be artfully, keyhole-mined?

    The fact that the country is regarded as free and open and everybody’s to rape with little restraint, and that buildings are built structures that someone with a financial interest will defend to the max, puts attitudes to mining into context doesn’t it.
    captcha user

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