ImperatorFish: Unity!

Written By: - Date published: 11:59 am, January 12th, 2014 - 22 comments
Categories: humour, parody, Satire - Tags:

IF from the editorThere was a overwhelming compulsion to reproduce ImperatorFishs powerful message of unity for the left. No violence was involved, and despite rumours to the contrary, it was not sympathy for his tortured tale of a blogger and lawyer who was forced to enjoy himself at a beach house on the Coromandel. Being compelled to drink Signature brand tonic water was a disturbing concept that should have never been raised in a civilised society.

It’s not always easy being a highly successful and respected blogger of the left, let me tell you. A lot of people envy my success, but too many of them turn envy to bitterness. I have worked hard to get where I am today, but it doesn’t matter to those people. They hate me because I have something to say and I say it more powerfully than they can.

But that doesn’t matter, because I’m not going to play their game anymore. We on the left have a problem, and it’s a problem that very often keeps us from achieving the change we all so desperately want. Those fat cats on the right are cutting taxes, slashing welfare and institutionalising poverty for tens of thousands of ordinary New Zealanders, while we’re arguing and bickering over who on the left has the most utopian vision of the future. We need to be working together, not against one another!

So I’m turning over a new leaf. Call it my new year’s resolution, if you will. I’ve never fully understood why so many on the left feel the need to take potshots at me, but from now on I’m not going to fire back. I’m focusing on the future, and on working together with others on the left for victory.

So I don’t care about the poison being written by Josie Pagani about me, and I’m not going to let it affect me. This year I’m all about the love, which is why the writings of demented class traitors like Pagani just don’t matter. I’m focusing on what we have in common, rather than on the noxious opinions of that traitor and monster, which is why I won’t be making any more comments about that awful woman. I’m not going to play the old divide-and-lose game anymore. We must unite and stand together! So it doesn’t matter to me what terrible things that woman has said on that fascist radio station she speaks on occasionally, or what treasonous bile she has written on that site Pundit (yes, apparently that site still exists! But look how little traffic they get compared to my site. Why do they bother?).

2014 is an election year, and we need to be working together, not fighting amongst ourselves. So I offer you a truce, Josie Pagani. Let’s not fight like this. It doesn’t matter to me that you represent all that is wrong in the world, and that your failure to see the true path marks you as a despicable class traitor. We are still both of the left, even if you are most probably secretly working for the fascist right. Let’s work for victory in 2014.

I heard someone say “I don’t agree with anything Josie Pagani says about the Labour Party, but she seems like a nice person.” What demented tosh! How can anyone who takes issue with me or disagrees with me in any way be even remotely human? The fact that I am prepared to work with a diabolical creature of pure evil like Pagani demonstrates how determined I am for the left to win in 2014.

Some people in the past have accused me of hypocrisy in my calls for unity. They have criticised me for being abusive towards others on the left. But that’s simply untrue! I have always worked hard for the left, because I learned long ago that the only way to beat the right is to unite and stand together in solidarity. That’s why I sometimes get so angry when people accuse me of attacking others on the left. My reputation is important to me, so please let me know if you hear of anyone out there on the blogosphere attacking me or my reputation, so I can take action against the poisonous class traitors.

I am utterly determined to make 2014 the year the left returns to power. You won’t see any friendly fire from me this year, not even against that malicious wrecker and closet Tory, Josie Pagani. I also won’t be making any attacks on the pond slime over at The Standard, and I vow to remain on friendly terms with the evil Russell Brown and his parasitic legion of followers at Public Address. And I won’t hear a single bad word said about that notorious villain and necromancer Giovanni Tiso.

So let us march in line towards victory, behind me, for I see the clearly the path we must follow. Only with unity and discipline can we win power and send these Tories back into opposition.

There will be plenty of time for debate about what we do with our power once we win it. That will also be the time to mend fences. Preferably using as building materials the bones of anyone who has wronged me, or disagreed with me in any way over any minor thing.

But for now, people, let us all unite. Your disgusting attitudes, your demented political views, and your purely Nazi ideology don’t matter to me, you despicable worthless scum, because we all want the same thing: victory for the left in 2014.

22 comments on “ImperatorFish: Unity!”

  1. QoT 1

    I confess, I snorted.

  2. veutoviper 2

    Brilliant! Waiting, waiting, waiting …………

  3. Tim 4

    Well there ya go – the reason IF is so good. Cynicism is great – indeed needed! – just as long as one can be just as cynical about oneself as they are others.
    …. of course, that’s something that evil bitch Paganini is incapable of :p. And as for her husband …. Geeez!
    ….. Oh plus she drives that fuckin awful status symbol on a bloody fishing licence!

  4. Will@Welly 5

    The sabre has been sharpened, the blunderbuss has fresh powder and ball, the battlements are manned, and the archers quivers are brim-full of arrows ready to fly straight to those causing disarray.
    The computer’s been purged of any miscreants that could cause it to crash, to get a virus, or to download some obnoxious email purporting to be friendly when we all know it’s some solicitous deviant just wanting to wind us up.
    As for the article, I simply doff my hat to your magnificence. Let the games begin.

  5. greywarbler 6

    Imperious Fishfingers, fall on those keys and Go for it.

  6. tricledrown 7

    Pagani is our Palin
    Hopefully palin into insignfigance.

  7. ianmac 8

    Wasn’t every person on board the Titanic united to a common purpose regardless of colour or creed? They ignored the trashy others who were on board didn’t they?
    But look what happened to them. Nearly all sank without trace into the chilly waters of obscurity.
    So. Be careful who you board with!

  8. I also won’t be making any attacks on the pond slime over at The Standard…

    Doesn’t this violate “policy”?

    Attacking the blog site, or attributing a mind to a machine (ie talking about The Standard as if it had an opinion), or trying to imply that the computer that runs the site has some kind of mind control over authors and commentators is not allowed.

    Or maybe he was just referring to Mickey Savage … .

    • lprent 9.1

      Doesn’t this violate “policy”?

      Ummm shouldn’t there be some encouragement of science even amongst the legal eagles?

      Pond scum is a generic term for a variety of organisms – mostly algae. While it is a generic term often used as a pejorative (like the word “lawyers” or “used car salesmen”), it refers to a collection of *individual* organisms.

      The policy you were referring to was quite specific. It refers to treating the dumbarse computer program that runs the site as if it has a brain or an opinion, and optionally that it could influence the humans making comments and posts here. The post made no assertions about the opinions of the pond scum at TS.

      Now for your deficient education, that program has a few orders of magnitude less programming information than any individual organism making up pond-scum has genetic information (or indeed any living organism that we know of apart from a some parasitic RNA based viruses).

      Now I can see how comparing algae with lawyers could work. However I suspect that you, Scott, and Mickey actually could have opinions more advanced than pond scum. But of course discussing the intelligence levels of lawyers becomes a matter of opinion – something our site is dedicated to fostering with some limits.

      So no to your query.

      Of course one of those limits is listed in the self-martyrdom offenses…

      Abusing the sysop or post writers on their own site – including telling us how to run our site or what we should write. This is viewed as self-evident stupidity, and should be added as a category to the Darwin Awards.

      Of course there is that little grey area here because it is a guest post. Should I defend Scott as the author of the post? Or should I defend Micky as an author on the site?

      Of course I could avoid the question and divert on to questioning the intelligence levels of Law profs compared to algae? 😈

  9. Molly 10

    Damn. I like Signature brand tonic water…

    • veutoviper 10.1

      Must try it Molly – saw it on special at my local Countdown last week and dittered over whether to buy it or not.

  10. Murray Olsen 11

    Great post, Bomber.

  11. Northshoreguynz 12

    I’m a Gordon’s and Rawlings man, myself.

  12. ropata 13

    All these political parties on the left just cause confusion. Let’s all join together and make a party for all where a variety of views and attitudes are accepted …
    Ahh who am I kidding 🙄

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    When National was in government and fucking over the poor for the benefit of the rich, foodbanks were a growth industry. And now Labour is in charge, nothing has changed: A huge demand for emergency food parcels means the Auckland City Mission is struggling to prepare for the impending arrival ...
    No Right TurnBy Idiot/Savant
    2 weeks ago
  • Ardern attempts to vaccinate Clarke Gayford live on television to prove that it’s safe
    Gayford, pictured here on The Project, before things got wildly out of control. A bold public relations move by the Government to encourage parents to vaccinate their children has gone horribly wrong. Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern appeared on tonight’s episode of Three’s The Project, where the plan was for her ...
    The CivilianBy admin
    2 weeks ago
  • Has Mr. Whippy gone too far by parking on our front lawns?
    Mr. Whippy’s business model has driven it down a dark road of intimidation. Residents in major centres around the country are becoming disgruntled by the increasingly aggressive actions of purported ice cream company Mr. Whippy, who have taken to parking on people’s front lawns and doorsteps in a desperate attempt ...
    The CivilianBy admin
    2 weeks ago
  • Cleaning up the water
    Today the government released its Action Plan for Healthy Waterways, aimed at cleaning up our lakes and rivers. Its actually quite good. There will be protection for wetlands, better standards for swimming spots, a requirement for continuous improvement, and better standards for wastewater and stormwater. But most importantly, there's a ...
    No Right TurnBy Idiot/Savant
    2 weeks ago
  • Fronting up
    Today I appeared before the Environment Committee to give an oral submission on the Zero Carbon Bill. Over 1,500 people have asked to appear in person, so they've divided into subcommittees and are off touring the country, giving people a five minute slot each. The other submitters were a mixed ...
    No Right TurnBy Idiot/Savant
    2 weeks ago
  • Politics of science – making a silk purse out of a sow’s ear
    Anti-fluoride activists have some wealthy backers – they are erecting billboards misrepresenting the Canadian study on many New Zealand cities – and local authorities are ordering their removal because of their scaremongering. Many New Zealanders ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Democracy – I Don’t Think So
    So, those who “know best” have again done their worst. While constantly claiming to be the guardians of democracy and the constitution, and respecters of the 2016 referendum result, diehard Remainers (who have never brought themselves to believe that their advice could have been rejected) have striven might and main ...
    Bryan GouldBy Bryan Gould
    2 weeks ago
  • Government says it will now build just one really nice home
    Following publication of this article, the Ministry has requested it to be noted that this supplied image is not necessarily representative of what the final house will look like, and it “probably won’t be that nice.” As part of today’s long-anticipated reset of the Government’s flagship KiwiBuild policy, Housing Minister ...
    The CivilianBy admin
    2 weeks ago
  • Imperialism and your cup of coffee
    Over the next week or two we will be running three synopses of parts of the opening chapter of John Smith’s Imperialism in the 21st Century (New York, Monthly Review Press, 2016).  The synopsis and commentary below is written by Phil Duncan. Marx began Capital not with a sweeping historical ...
    RedlineBy Admin
    2 weeks ago
  • Still juking the stats
    The State Services Commission and Ombudsman have released another batch of OIA statistics, covering the last six months. Request volumes are up, and the core public service is generally handling them within the legal timeframe, though this may be because they've learned to extend rather than just ignore things. And ...
    No Right TurnBy Idiot/Savant
    2 weeks ago
  • Hard News: Time for a New Deal: 25 years on
    In 1994, I was editing an ambitious street mag called Planet, from a fabled office at at 309 Karangahape Road. The thirteenth issue of the magazine was published in the winter of that year and its cover embodied a particularly ambitious goal: the end of cannabis prohibition.I wanted to do ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Not impressed
    KiwiBuild was one of the Ardern government's core policies. The government would end the housing crisis and make housing affordable again by building 100,000 new homes. Of course, it didn't work out like that: targets weren't met, the houses they did build were in the wrong place, and the whole ...
    No Right TurnBy Idiot/Savant
    2 weeks ago
  • Solar beats coal
    As the climate crisis escalates, it is now obvious that we need to radically decarbonise our economy. The good news is that its looking easy and profitable for the energy sector. Wind is already cheaper than fossil fuels, and now solar is too:The levellised cost of solar PV has fallen ...
    No Right TurnBy Idiot/Savant
    2 weeks ago

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