Susan Nact reporting.
In a dramatic turn of events, cadet reporter Tracy Whatshite (drinking in a Ponsonby cafe), found an envelope labelled “Top Secret, Property of TVNZ”.
We can reveal that inside was a script for a new television series that will be screening on Channel Two later this year. The new drama, has a working title of “’Allo, ‘allo, ‘allo, ‘allo” and is set in a greasy spoon cafe in a back street off Ponsonby Road. The series is based on the British tv series “Allo allo” from the 1980’s. The series has been cast and we can confirm Cameron Slater has the lead role of Rene, the sweaty cafe owner, whose body mass index is over 35.
We now give you a preview of the opening scene.
In the cafe Rene (Cameron Slater) is taping on a telegraph.
Dot, dot, dot. dash! Dash! Dash…………dot, dot, dot com…………….dash! dash! Dash!
His wife Edith (played by Judith Collins, wearing a Trelise Cooper jacket) enters from a back room .
Edith: “Rene, what are you doing, sitting there with that old morse code machine. The war is over. We no longer need to spy on the Germans”.
Rene: “You stupid woman. We now have new Germans to spy on. Germans who threaten our way of life, the National government, John Banks. Even John Key”.
Edith: “The German’s at the mansion! (moves closer to Rene and whispers discreetly) “Listen very carefully, I will say this only once. Don’t try too hard to bring Dot.com down. If he brings Key down, someone will need to replace him”. She exits quietly through the back door.
Just before lunchtime, the first customer of the day arrives. It is Rachel Glucina, gossip columnist for the NZ Herald, played by herself.
Rachel goes up to Rene takes him in her arms and kisses him passionately.
Rachel “Reeeeneeee, you drive me me wild with your body mass index way over thirty five and the smell of …..is that burnt coffee beans emantating from your orrifice……………….we must run away together. How about to National Party headquarters.”
Rene: “Rachel you know we can’t escape yet. We need more information. What do you have today Rachel”
Rachel: “A short black thanks”
Rene: “You stupid woman, I didn’t mean what would you like to drink! What do you have for me? What’s been happening at the mansion.”
Rachel: “ Listen very carefully, I will say this only once. Mrs Dot.com leaves the Mansion everyday, goes to the gym, has a coffee with Sally and Jamie Ridge. They discuss lipsticks, handbags and this season’s fashion colours”.
Rene: “You stupid woman. I am not interested in Mrs Dot.com, unless she is sleeping with someone famous in politics. What I want to know is who is visiting the mansion?”
Rachel: “ Renneeeee you drive me wild when you talk to me like that…………….”
Rene: “ For god sake woman. Do you want us to get caught. Spill the shit and spill it now, I have other customers about to arrive”.
Rachel: “Listen very care……..
Rene: “ Yes, yes yes………….who has been visiting the Mansion?”
Rachel: “Norman twice, Peters three times. I will go now Rene. Now you have had your way with me, I feel all revitilized. Like a new woman. I can keep going writing those crappy little columns for that crappy little paper”. Rachel exits cafe.
Half an hour later Rene sits alone in the cafe. The door swings open. In walks the General Manager of Progressive Enterprises, Dave Chambers (played by Russell Crowe). He is wearing a tee-shirt with a dingo on it.
Renee: (looks up) “ What do you have today Dave?”
Dave: “What do you mean, what do I have?”
Renee: “Would you like a coffee?”
Dave: “ Look here you worthless piece of trash, I can stock Nescafe, Greggs and L’Affaire at half the price of this shit you serve here. I’ll have a trim flat white, but I’m only paying you $1.50 for it”.
Rene: “Quite right. But what have you found out from the Mansion?”
Dave: “Listen very carefully, I will say this only once. Those bastards are now distributing directly from the house”
Rene : “Oh my God! What on earth do you mean?”
Dave: “They have stopped their t.v. advertising with Mrs Chrisco and now they have an endless number of distributors coming to and from the mansion. Sneaking out Christmas hampers. Undercuttng our Christmas trade. And they are well organised. Russel Norman was there twice in November. The month before Christmas. Peters, he’s been there three times”.
Rene: “ You stupid man, Chriscos no longer own the mansion. Kim Dot. Com does.”
Dave: “Shit that’s worse. He could really undercut us. I have got to get back to base. We going have to keep running those crappy adds with the working class family to keep the general public on side”. (exits hurriedly).
Later on, a third customer arrives. The mystery customer enters wearing American army combat gear and chewing gum. He is played by an aged Sly Stallone.
Rene: “ What do you have today??”
Mystery man: “I need your code name first?”
Rene: “Whale Oil. How come its not the guy from Wellington anymore?”
Mystery man: “ Oh they are doing a re-structure down there. They’ve handed this one over to us. Its in the TPP”.
Rene:“So what do you have today?”
Mystery man: ”Listen very carefully, I will say this only once. Norman twice. Peters three times”.
Rene:“ You stupid man. Even a gossip columnist could tell me that! We want Cunliffe. Surely Cunliffe was there?”
Mystery man: “Easy buddy. I can’t give you Cunliffe. He wasn’t there. Not at the Mansion. I think he’s been at Waitangi.”
Rene: “Coffee? Something from the top shelf?”
Mystery man “No I gotta cut loose now. I am off to spy on Grey Power. Who knows what they are up to now the asset petition is over.” (exits swiftly).
It is now near closing time and the fourth customer of the day comes in, John Key, played by himself.
JK: “Hi Cam, I mean Rene. Just thought I pop in for one of our weekly chats. What have you got?”
Rene: “ A latte, your ususal???”
JK: “You stupid man, I mean what dirt have you got?”
Rene: “Big stuff. Real big. Peters, Norman. It’s all going on”.
JK: “ What do you mean, they’re lovers, they’ve been having it off at parliament, in the Parliamentary Library??? Fantastic. That’s one to put in my top draw”.
Rene: “No, no, no. Better than that”
JK: “What with Cunliffe! I knew it. I knew the son of a preacher, happily married to a woman he met at university would have to have some scandal”.
Rene: “No not Cunliffe. Got nothing on him. Its better than that”
JK: “ What Peters with an Asian woman??? Not BC! Why that’s terrific. Great work.”
Rene: “No not that”.
JK: “What then?”
Rene: “Norman and Peters have visited the mansion. Five times between them”.
JK: “That’s it? That’s all you have?”
Rene: “Well if you bring it up, the MSM will be all over it like a rash and then you won’t have to answer questions in parliament on child poverty”.