web analytics
The Standard
Advertising

Key schemes with media at Whaleoil cafe.

Written By: - Date published: 12:00 pm, March 11th, 2014 - 4 comments
Categories: humour, john key, Judith Collins, Satire - Tags: ,

ALLO, ALLO, ALLO, ALLO’ -By Senior Reporter Susan Nact

 STARRING CAMERON SLATER AS RENE AND JUDITH COLLINS AS EDITH.

In this preview we bring you Episode Two of the new tv drama show “allo, allo, allo allo”, based on the TV series “Allo, Allo” from the 1980’s. (Episode one).

 It’s early morning at a greasy spoon cafe set in a back street off K Road. Rene (Cameron Slater) is scrubbing the grease off the table where he and John Key sat last night. His wife Edith (Judith Collins) is trying to get a fresh milk stain off her jacket.

Rene: Lets out a long sigh.

Edith: “Rene, why are you sighing?”

Rene: “Edith the grease that the PM leaves on the table after our chats is becoming increasingly hard to remove. And there a lot of grime left as well. All this when I am trying to clean the cafe up.”

Edith: “Lets face it Rene, you will never clean the grime off this cafe. Especially with the PM being here so regularly”.

Rene: “You can talk. You have milk stains all over you”.

Edith: “No nothing to see here”. (picks up a drink of milk and takes a selfie using her smart phone). “Gosh this Oravida is good”.

Rene walks to the counter and starts dishing up a slimy brown mixture in to white soup bowls.

Edith: “What’s that you are dishing up Rene? What is that brown smelly muck?”.

Rene: “Listen very carefully I will say this only once. Today I am hosting a very special luncheon for the PM. He has invited the press here to discuss the strategy to completely discredit Cunliffe. He used to hold these meetings at Antoine’s in Parnell. But he now feels our greasy cafe is more suitable given the level these dirty tactics have stooped to”.

Edith: “Rene, but isn’t that human waste you are dishing into those bowls”.

Rene: “Yes the media gobbles up all sorts of s..t at these meetings with the PM. They swallow it whole, without even questioning it. Last week one or two of the media started to ask some questions about the milk stains of your jacket. Just as well the PM stepped in.”

Edith: “Is that when he said he sent it to be laundered, but there were no stains to remove and the Press Gallery all nodded and applauded him?”

Rene: “Yes that’s right. No one even bothered to suggest your jacket should go to the cleaners. If the PM say’s its clean, they say it’s clean. That’s why I can get away with serving them this smelly brown stuff, because when I tell them its the PM’s special recipe, they swallow it whole”.

Edith: “Well I better get on with writing these name tags for the luncheon …..Duncan G, Audrey Y, Fran O, Claire T, Guyon E, Paul H. Wait there’s no Paddy”

Rene: “Listen very carefully I will say this only once. Paddy is custard. He’s toast. He challenged the P M on The Nation. Brought up the dinner’s at Antoine’s.”

Edith: “That will surely blow over. Nothing has ever stuck to John. Damn! The more I scrub these milk stains the more this jacket looks strangely dis-coloured. I better take off to the back room and try some of that Spray and Walk Away on it.”

Later on in the day members of the msm arrive.They lap up the brown smelly stuff from their bowls. They drink. They sing song’s from the musical Grease and the afternoon ends with them down on their knees, singing to John Key “Hopelessly Devoted to You.”

===============================

At the end of the day, the cafe is almost empty. Renee and Edith are in the back room scrubbing Edith’s jacket with a wire brush and bleach.

Jason Ede is on the floor of the cafe picking up cigarette buts and photographing the empty soup bowls to make sure there is no trace of the brown smelly stuff on them. He licks any slight traces clean.

John Key and a mystery donor are sitting at a table littered with glasses, hundred dollar bills, ashtrays and streamers.

JK: So we’ve had something about Cunliffe and secret trusts in the Herald everyday this week. Next week we have something on Cunliffe’s third cousin who was seen entering Sky City and having a coffee. We’ll run that for a couple of days. Then follow it up with a story about the leaked email from Cunliffe’s office claiming it was missing a comma and an apostrophe in one part. And if we get stuck we have a neighbour who will claim the Cunliffe hens are feed on mesculin and an expensive boutique vinagrette. The media have totally got on board with it. They are so going to own it”.

Mystery Donor: “Good thinking John. But I do have a question. Won’t the voters be able to see through this?”

JK: “ A good number of them still haven’t seen through me yet. God Paul Henry so got it wrong when he said stupid people shouldn’t be able to vote.”

.

4 comments on “Key schemes with media at Whaleoil cafe.”

  1. Puckish Rogue 1

    “to completely discredit Cunliffe”

    Cunliffes doing a fine job of doing that himself

    • Te Reo Putake 1.1

      Whoosh! Point goes sailing over head of dimwitted Tory shill.

      ps, top work Sussanact.

  2. Rosie 2

    You are brilliant Sussanact :-)

  3. red blooded 3

    Renee had better not polish the silverware: our glorious leader will float 49% of it on the stock market and use someone else’s money to bribe fat cats to buy it.

Important links

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • English breaks his $6000 wages promise
    Just one month into the new year Bill English has already rowed back on his election promise of real wage rises for New Zealanders, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “During the election campaign National promised Kiwis that the average… ...
    4 days ago
  • National fails to produce evidence justifying attack on RMA
    The National Government is misusing evidence provided in the Motu report on planning rules to justify gutting the environmental protections secured by the Resource Management Act (RMA), says the Green Party today. The Motu group's research into the impacts of… ...
    GreensBy Julie Anne Genter MP
    4 days ago
  • National fails to produce evidence justifying attack on RMA
    The National Government is misusing evidence provided in the Motu report on planning rules to justify gutting the environmental protections secured by the Resource Management Act (RMA), says the Green Party today. The Motu group's research into the impacts of… ...
    GreensBy Julie Anne Genter MP
    4 days ago
  • RMA changes won’t knock a dollar off the cost of a new home
    The Government’s proposed changes to the RMA won’t increase the number of affordable homes or knock a dollar off the cost of building a new house, Labour Leader Andrew Little says.  “Tinkering with the RMA will not solve National’s housing… ...
    5 days ago
  • What is the real ‘price of the club’?
    What price is too high to join a club?  According to the current the New Zealand Prime Minister, the lives of young Kiwi men and women are a part of the package. In his latest BBC interview, John Key fails… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    5 days ago
  • DOC debacle means hundreds may have missed out on fishing licences
    Hundreds of families and recreational fishers may have had their holidays spoiled by missing out on their fishing licences, with Conservation Minister Maggie Barry preferring instead to focus on more high profile portfolio priorities over the summer break, Labour’s Conservation… ...
    6 days ago
  • Effective action needed against pirate fishing boats
    New Zealand’s failure to detain pirate shipping vessels poaching endangered species in our region is simply not good enough, Labour’s Defence spokesperson Phil Goff says. “We send New Zealand naval vessels to the Arabian Gulf to board pirate ships there… ...
    6 days ago
  • Housing affordability crisis gets worse under National
    News that Auckland’s housing is now among the 10 most unaffordable in the world confirms the Government’s housing policy has failed, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “After six years in power, National’s housing policies have not fixed the housing… ...
    1 week ago
  • Rheumatic fever rates continue to soar despite millions spent on prevention...
    The Government’s $65 million spend on rheumatic fever prevention has made little impact on the alarmingly high rate of the disease among young New Zealanders, Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King says. “Latest figures from ESR show there were 235 notified… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Speech to the Asia Pacific Parliamentary Forum in Quito, Ecuador
    I was honoured to speak to the Asia Pacific Parliamentary Forum, calling for cooperation and action on climate change. You can read my speech below. Greetings from New Zealand in our first language – kia ora nga mihi nui… ...
    GreensBy Gareth Hughes MP
    2 weeks ago
  • Government wipes off $5 billion in tax debt
    Since coming to office, the National Government has written off $5 billion* in tax debt owed by more than a million, Labour MP Stuart Nash says. "There are two sides to the New Zealand economy under the National government: the… ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Labour adds its condemnation of Paris attack
    The Labour Party adds its voice to the international condemnation of today’s shocking attack on freedom of speech in Paris, Leader Andrew Little says. “The attack on the Charlie Hebdo newspaper is an assault on democracy and freedom of expression.… ...
    3 weeks ago
  • Petrol retailers and importers must pass on savings
    New Zealand’s petrol retailers and importers must start passing on savings to Kiwis motorists following the dramatic drop in the price of crude oil, Labour’s Energy Spokesman Stuart Nash says. “It is great news for Kiwi drivers that the price… ...
    3 weeks ago
  • Foreign investors must uphold their promises
    The Government must ensure foreign investors uphold their commitment to add value to sensitive New Zealand assets* they purchase, after new figures show National has declined just 1.5 per cent of all applications, Labour’s Land Information spokesperson Stuart Nash says. … ...
    3 weeks ago

Public service advertisements by The Standard

Current CO2 level in the atmosphere