web analytics
The Standard
Advertising

Key schemes with media at Whaleoil cafe.

Written By: - Date published: 12:00 pm, March 11th, 2014 - 4 comments
Categories: humour, john key, Judith Collins, Satire - Tags: ,

ALLO, ALLO, ALLO, ALLO’ -By Senior Reporter Susan Nact

 STARRING CAMERON SLATER AS RENE AND JUDITH COLLINS AS EDITH.

In this preview we bring you Episode Two of the new tv drama show “allo, allo, allo allo”, based on the TV series “Allo, Allo” from the 1980’s. (Episode one).

 It’s early morning at a greasy spoon cafe set in a back street off K Road. Rene (Cameron Slater) is scrubbing the grease off the table where he and John Key sat last night. His wife Edith (Judith Collins) is trying to get a fresh milk stain off her jacket.

Rene: Lets out a long sigh.

Edith: “Rene, why are you sighing?”

Rene: “Edith the grease that the PM leaves on the table after our chats is becoming increasingly hard to remove. And there a lot of grime left as well. All this when I am trying to clean the cafe up.”

Edith: “Lets face it Rene, you will never clean the grime off this cafe. Especially with the PM being here so regularly”.

Rene: “You can talk. You have milk stains all over you”.

Edith: “No nothing to see here”. (picks up a drink of milk and takes a selfie using her smart phone). “Gosh this Oravida is good”.

Rene walks to the counter and starts dishing up a slimy brown mixture in to white soup bowls.

Edith: “What’s that you are dishing up Rene? What is that brown smelly muck?”.

Rene: “Listen very carefully I will say this only once. Today I am hosting a very special luncheon for the PM. He has invited the press here to discuss the strategy to completely discredit Cunliffe. He used to hold these meetings at Antoine’s in Parnell. But he now feels our greasy cafe is more suitable given the level these dirty tactics have stooped to”.

Edith: “Rene, but isn’t that human waste you are dishing into those bowls”.

Rene: “Yes the media gobbles up all sorts of s..t at these meetings with the PM. They swallow it whole, without even questioning it. Last week one or two of the media started to ask some questions about the milk stains of your jacket. Just as well the PM stepped in.”

Edith: “Is that when he said he sent it to be laundered, but there were no stains to remove and the Press Gallery all nodded and applauded him?”

Rene: “Yes that’s right. No one even bothered to suggest your jacket should go to the cleaners. If the PM say’s its clean, they say it’s clean. That’s why I can get away with serving them this smelly brown stuff, because when I tell them its the PM’s special recipe, they swallow it whole”.

Edith: “Well I better get on with writing these name tags for the luncheon …..Duncan G, Audrey Y, Fran O, Claire T, Guyon E, Paul H. Wait there’s no Paddy”

Rene: “Listen very carefully I will say this only once. Paddy is custard. He’s toast. He challenged the P M on The Nation. Brought up the dinner’s at Antoine’s.”

Edith: “That will surely blow over. Nothing has ever stuck to John. Damn! The more I scrub these milk stains the more this jacket looks strangely dis-coloured. I better take off to the back room and try some of that Spray and Walk Away on it.”

Later on in the day members of the msm arrive.They lap up the brown smelly stuff from their bowls. They drink. They sing song’s from the musical Grease and the afternoon ends with them down on their knees, singing to John Key “Hopelessly Devoted to You.”

===============================

At the end of the day, the cafe is almost empty. Renee and Edith are in the back room scrubbing Edith’s jacket with a wire brush and bleach.

Jason Ede is on the floor of the cafe picking up cigarette buts and photographing the empty soup bowls to make sure there is no trace of the brown smelly stuff on them. He licks any slight traces clean.

John Key and a mystery donor are sitting at a table littered with glasses, hundred dollar bills, ashtrays and streamers.

JK: So we’ve had something about Cunliffe and secret trusts in the Herald everyday this week. Next week we have something on Cunliffe’s third cousin who was seen entering Sky City and having a coffee. We’ll run that for a couple of days. Then follow it up with a story about the leaked email from Cunliffe’s office claiming it was missing a comma and an apostrophe in one part. And if we get stuck we have a neighbour who will claim the Cunliffe hens are feed on mesculin and an expensive boutique vinagrette. The media have totally got on board with it. They are so going to own it”.

Mystery Donor: “Good thinking John. But I do have a question. Won’t the voters be able to see through this?”

JK: “ A good number of them still haven’t seen through me yet. God Paul Henry so got it wrong when he said stupid people shouldn’t be able to vote.”

.

4 comments on “Key schemes with media at Whaleoil cafe.”

  1. Puckish Rogue 1

    “to completely discredit Cunliffe”

    Cunliffes doing a fine job of doing that himself

    • Te Reo Putake 1.1

      Whoosh! Point goes sailing over head of dimwitted Tory shill.

      ps, top work Sussanact.

  2. Rosie 2

    You are brilliant Sussanact :-)

  3. red blooded 3

    Renee had better not polish the silverware: our glorious leader will float 49% of it on the stock market and use someone else’s money to bribe fat cats to buy it.

Important links

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Recognizing Palestine: The European Parliament Votes
    Last week I wrote a blog drawing attention to Sweden’s formal recognition of the state of Palestine (the second Western state to do so after Iceland).  That move has created ripples throughout the international community. In recent months the parliaments… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    2 days ago
  • Recognizing Palestine: The European Parliament Votes
    Last week I wrote a blog drawing attention to Sweden’s formal recognition of the state of Palestine (the second Western state to do so after Iceland).  That move has created ripples throughout the international community. In recent months the parliaments… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    2 days ago
  • Recognizing Palestine: The European Parliament Votes
    Last week I wrote a blog drawing attention to Sweden’s formal recognition of the state of Palestine (the second Western state to do so after Iceland).  That move has created ripples throughout the international community. In recent months the parliaments… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    2 days ago
  • Minister has work to do over Xmas
    Red flags raised in a multi-agency review into how Phillip Smith was able to flee the country highlight the inadequacies of those very same agencies not having red flags in place that would have notified them of his plans, says… ...
    3 days ago
  • Minister has work to do over Xmas
    Red flags raised in a multi-agency review into how Phillip Smith was able to flee the country highlight the inadequacies of those very same agencies not having red flags in place that would have notified them of his plans, says… ...
    3 days ago
  • Minister has work to do over Xmas
    Red flags raised in a multi-agency review into how Phillip Smith was able to flee the country highlight the inadequacies of those very same agencies not having red flags in place that would have notified them of his plans, says… ...
    3 days ago
  • Gerry Brownlee’s revolving airport door story
    A new report shows Gerry Brownlee is the latest Cabinet Minister to have contracted the infectious tell-porkies-until-you-are-caught disease, Labour’s Chief Whip Chris Hipkins says. “A Civil Aviation Report out today shows that despite being an extremely recognisable figure, Gerry Brownlee… ...
    3 days ago
  • Gerry Brownlee’s revolving airport door story
    A new report shows Gerry Brownlee is the latest Cabinet Minister to have contracted the infectious tell-porkies-until-you-are-caught disease, Labour’s Chief Whip Chris Hipkins says. “A Civil Aviation Report out today shows that despite being an extremely recognisable figure, Gerry Brownlee… ...
    3 days ago
  • Govt spend on transport out of step with reality
    The National Government is planning to allocate ever increasing amounts of taxpayer funding to build expensive new motorways despite record numbers of New Zealanders flocking to buses and trains, said the Green Party. The Government released its Government Policy Statement… ...
    GreensBy Julie Anne Genter MP
    3 days ago
  • Govt spend on transport out of step with reality
    The National Government is planning to allocate ever increasing amounts of taxpayer funding to build expensive new motorways despite record numbers of New Zealanders flocking to buses and trains, said the Green Party. The Government released its Government Policy Statement… ...
    GreensBy Julie Anne Genter MP
    3 days ago
  • Solar homes stymied by Govt inaction
    Government inaction is allowing the big power companies to discourage the nascent solar power sector, the Green Party said today. Green Party MP Gareth Hughes launched a petition today calling on the Government to empower the Electricity Authority to act… ...
    GreensBy Gareth Hughes MP
    3 days ago
  • Foreign buyers for iconic island must add value
    Labour will look very closely at any Overseas Investment Office application to purchase Pakatoa Island if it is not bought by a Kiwi, says Labour’s Land information Spokesperson Stuart Nash. “Pakatoa is an iconic island in the middle of Hauraki… ...
    3 days ago
  • Way opening for April Sun in Cuba
    The United States of America’s President’s historic announcement yesterday to restore diplomatic ties with Cuba should be applauded by the New Zealand Government. The announcement marks a turning point in more than five decades of hostility between the two countries… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    3 days ago
  • Minister ducking for cover over ‘Diplomat Case’
    Apparently the Ministerial Inquiry into what now seems to be being referred to as ‘The Diplomat Case’ ( I have a few other names for it) has been completed and is in front of Foreign Affairs Minister McCully. Initial Reports seem to… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    4 days ago
  • Energy users need answers on Vector share plans
    Energy Minister Simon Bridges needs to stop ducking for cover about whether or not the Government will support plans to nationalise and then privatise $2.1 billion of shares in the Auckland Electricity Consumer Trust, Labour's Energy spokesperson Stuart Nash says. “It… ...
    4 days ago
  • Turning up the heat on working conditions
    A “Jobs That Count” campaign has the full support of Labour, the party’s Labour Relations spokesperson Iain Lees-Galloway says. Organised by the Meat Workers Union, the campaign aims to put the spotlight on job insecurity in the meat processing industry. ...
    4 days ago
  • Failure to diversify puts prosperity at risk
    Beyond the news that a long-promised surplus is unlikely, further embarrassment is hidden in the fine print of the half year economic and fiscal update, Labour says. "National’s failure to rebalance the economy is further exposed in projections from its… ...
    5 days ago
  • Ombudsman probe targets Ministerial integrity
    John Key is on notice that the entrenched cynical and manipulative abuse of official information requests by his Government will no longer be tolerated, Labour’s Open Government spokesperson Clare Curran says. “The announcement by the Ombudsman of a wide-ranging review… ...
    5 days ago
  • Bill English’s face is redder than his books
    The Government owes New Zealanders an apology for failing to deliver the surplus it spent four years and two election campaigns promising, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “Bill English’s face is redder than the Crown accounts. This is the… ...
    5 days ago
  • Irresponsible tax cuts lead to seventh successive deficit
    National's borrowing to pay for cutting the top tax rate was irresponsible and will likely lead to a seventh successive deficit, the Green Party said today. Treasury have forecast a $572 million deficit this year in its Half Year Economic… ...
    GreensBy Russel Norman MP
    5 days ago
  • Minister closes down dissent on climate change
    Minister closes down dissent on climate change In a threatening letter to Maori leaders, Minister for Climate Change Tim Groser says he will be requiring future international delegations to toe the party line, Labour’s Climate Change spokesperson Megan Woods says.… ...
    6 days ago
  • Farewell at Phillipstown
    Last Wednesday, I attended the farewell for Tony Simpson, Principal of Phillipstown School. It was a very emotional event where many of us in the large crowd shed tears. Bagpipes and tiny tamariki performing kapahaka brought the house down and… ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty MP
    7 days ago
  • The CIA Torture Report
    Earlier this week, the United States Select Committee on Intelligence released the Committee Study of the Central Intelligence Agency’s Detention and Interrogation Program.  The report, which was five years in the making, looked into the CIA’s interrogation techniques from 2001… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    1 week ago
  • The CIA Torture Report
    Earlier this week, the United States Select Committee on Intelligence released the Committee Study of the Central Intelligence Agency’s Detention and Interrogation Program.  The report, which was five years in the making, looked into the CIA’s interrogation techniques from 2001… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    1 week ago
  • A welfare system for the 21st Century
    Today Child Poverty Action Group released a background paper on ‘The complexities of ‘relationship’ in the welfare system and the consequences for children.‘ The report includes 16 recommendations to modernise our welfare system which is no longer fit for the… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    1 week ago
  • A welfare system for the 21st Century
    Today Child Poverty Action Group released a background paper on ‘The complexities of ‘relationship’ in the welfare system and the consequences for children.‘ The report includes 16 recommendations to modernise our welfare system which is no longer fit for the… ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie MP
    1 week ago
  • NZ should formally recognise Palestine
    New Zealand should follow the lead of Sweden, and now recognise Palestine as a separate state On 30 October, Sweden’s new government formally recognised the state of Palestine, only the second Western country to do so, after Iceland. Down here… ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham MP
    1 week ago
  • James Shaw’s adjournment speech on behalf of the Green Party
    It is a great honour for me to speak on behalf of the Green Party in this adjournment debate. I thank my colleagues for the privilege. I became a MP only 12 weeks ago, a period of time that seems… ...
    GreensBy James Shaw MP
    1 week ago
  • Government can’t rely on geothermal to grow itself
    While Electricity Authority figures showing geothermal has risen from the fourth to the second highest source of power generation are a promising sign for a geothermal renaissance, there can be no cause for complacency, Labour’s Energy spokesperson Stuart Nash says.… ...
    1 week ago
  • Big bickies for bosses despite subpar performance
    While public service workers are experiencing Grinch-like wage increases state sector bosses have pocketed early Christmas presents in the form of whopper pay hikes, Labour’s State Services spokesperson Kris Faafoi says. “Unbelievably State Services Commissioner Iain Rennie got an additional… ...
    1 week ago
  • Consent should come before research grants for phosphate mining
      The Government’s decision to make a grant by Callaghan Innovation to Chatham Rock Phosphate is highly questionable, says Labour’s Science spokesperson David Cunliffe.  “The fact is that the company still has to get a marine consent to mine the Chatham… ...
    1 week ago
  • A Tale of Two Farms
    Pig farming has yet again been thrust into the public view with two programmes this week on Campbell Live highlighting the very different conditions for pigs on two very different farms. The first programme exposed the awful conditions on… ...
    GreensBy Mojo Mathers MP
    1 week ago

Public service advertisements by The Standard

Current CO2 level in the atmosphere