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Key schemes with media at Whaleoil cafe.

Written By: - Date published: 12:00 pm, March 11th, 2014 - 4 comments
Categories: humour, john key, Judith Collins, Satire - Tags: ,

ALLO, ALLO, ALLO, ALLO’ -By Senior Reporter Susan Nact


In this preview we bring you Episode Two of the new tv drama show “allo, allo, allo allo”, based on the TV series “Allo, Allo” from the 1980’s. (Episode one).

 It’s early morning at a greasy spoon cafe set in a back street off K Road. Rene (Cameron Slater) is scrubbing the grease off the table where he and John Key sat last night. His wife Edith (Judith Collins) is trying to get a fresh milk stain off her jacket.

Rene: Lets out a long sigh.

Edith: “Rene, why are you sighing?”

Rene: “Edith the grease that the PM leaves on the table after our chats is becoming increasingly hard to remove. And there a lot of grime left as well. All this when I am trying to clean the cafe up.”

Edith: “Lets face it Rene, you will never clean the grime off this cafe. Especially with the PM being here so regularly”.

Rene: “You can talk. You have milk stains all over you”.

Edith: “No nothing to see here”. (picks up a drink of milk and takes a selfie using her smart phone). “Gosh this Oravida is good”.

Rene walks to the counter and starts dishing up a slimy brown mixture in to white soup bowls.

Edith: “What’s that you are dishing up Rene? What is that brown smelly muck?”.

Rene: “Listen very carefully I will say this only once. Today I am hosting a very special luncheon for the PM. He has invited the press here to discuss the strategy to completely discredit Cunliffe. He used to hold these meetings at Antoine’s in Parnell. But he now feels our greasy cafe is more suitable given the level these dirty tactics have stooped to”.

Edith: “Rene, but isn’t that human waste you are dishing into those bowls”.

Rene: “Yes the media gobbles up all sorts of s..t at these meetings with the PM. They swallow it whole, without even questioning it. Last week one or two of the media started to ask some questions about the milk stains of your jacket. Just as well the PM stepped in.”

Edith: “Is that when he said he sent it to be laundered, but there were no stains to remove and the Press Gallery all nodded and applauded him?”

Rene: “Yes that’s right. No one even bothered to suggest your jacket should go to the cleaners. If the PM say’s its clean, they say it’s clean. That’s why I can get away with serving them this smelly brown stuff, because when I tell them its the PM’s special recipe, they swallow it whole”.

Edith: “Well I better get on with writing these name tags for the luncheon …..Duncan G, Audrey Y, Fran O, Claire T, Guyon E, Paul H. Wait there’s no Paddy”

Rene: “Listen very carefully I will say this only once. Paddy is custard. He’s toast. He challenged the P M on The Nation. Brought up the dinner’s at Antoine’s.”

Edith: “That will surely blow over. Nothing has ever stuck to John. Damn! The more I scrub these milk stains the more this jacket looks strangely dis-coloured. I better take off to the back room and try some of that Spray and Walk Away on it.”

Later on in the day members of the msm arrive.They lap up the brown smelly stuff from their bowls. They drink. They sing song’s from the musical Grease and the afternoon ends with them down on their knees, singing to John Key “Hopelessly Devoted to You.”


At the end of the day, the cafe is almost empty. Renee and Edith are in the back room scrubbing Edith’s jacket with a wire brush and bleach.

Jason Ede is on the floor of the cafe picking up cigarette buts and photographing the empty soup bowls to make sure there is no trace of the brown smelly stuff on them. He licks any slight traces clean.

John Key and a mystery donor are sitting at a table littered with glasses, hundred dollar bills, ashtrays and streamers.

JK: So we’ve had something about Cunliffe and secret trusts in the Herald everyday this week. Next week we have something on Cunliffe’s third cousin who was seen entering Sky City and having a coffee. We’ll run that for a couple of days. Then follow it up with a story about the leaked email from Cunliffe’s office claiming it was missing a comma and an apostrophe in one part. And if we get stuck we have a neighbour who will claim the Cunliffe hens are feed on mesculin and an expensive boutique vinagrette. The media have totally got on board with it. They are so going to own it”.

Mystery Donor: “Good thinking John. But I do have a question. Won’t the voters be able to see through this?”

JK: “ A good number of them still haven’t seen through me yet. God Paul Henry so got it wrong when he said stupid people shouldn’t be able to vote.”


4 comments on “Key schemes with media at Whaleoil cafe.”

  1. Puckish Rogue 1

    “to completely discredit Cunliffe”

    Cunliffes doing a fine job of doing that himself

    • Te Reo Putake 1.1

      Whoosh! Point goes sailing over head of dimwitted Tory shill.

      ps, top work Sussanact.

  2. Rosie 2

    You are brilliant Sussanact :-)

  3. red blooded 3

    Renee had better not polish the silverware: our glorious leader will float 49% of it on the stock market and use someone else’s money to bribe fat cats to buy it.

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