It is befitting that the 27st of May just one week after the Budget – marks Thank The Rich Day, which sees poor people the length of the country gearing up to offer their gratitude to the rich for their contribution to the welfare of the poor through making themselves richer.
Thank The Rich Day is, in fact, the brainchild of grocery packer Joe Brown, who says the rich simply don’t get enough thanks for distributing wealth through ‘trickle down’.
‘Trickle down’ is the watertight fiscal mechanism through which wealth and happiness is distributed. It works, through the wonders of gravity, through a top-down approach. Quite simply, the vast majority of the country’s money is allocated to the already rich. The rich have the poor to trickle down to; the poor have no-one to trickle down to, as they are already at the bottom of the heap, so therefore any money given to the poor to spend will simply be pissed into the sewers. (Any claims that money trickles up, eg from the struggling elderly to the pockets of power company executives, etc, are categorically erroneous, as Sir Isaac Newton could surely explain)
Mr Brown says the Budget in itself is a grand opportunity for the poor to thank the rich through the great ceremonial handover of wealth from themselves to the wealthy. But the sacrifices the poor are graciously making to enable massive tax cuts for the rich on Budget day (namely accepting virtually nonexistent income tax cuts while accepting a raft of further tax rises and the decimation of important public services) simply aren’t enough, says Mr Brown. The poor didn’t elect this government, so they can’t take the credit for these noble sacrifices foisted on them.
‘I felt we had to rise up in gratitude, and do so off our own bat. That’s why I came up with Thank the Rich Day.’
Mr Brown also sees Thank the Rich Day as a long overdue day of redemption for the rich, who have been pilloried for their supposed role in the credit crisis.
‘Whose fault was it really?’ says Mr Brown. ‘The poor bastards who were buying houses they can’t afford. The rich are victims in all this. Why else would they have been compensated so well?’
Brown says Thank the Rich Day will give regular poor folk a chance to spread the word about the inherent benevolence of the wealthy.
‘Who pays our pay cheques? The rich. Who pays their pay cheques and owns their companies? The richer. Us poor don’t thank the rich enough. The hourly wage I earn packing their smoked salmon at Moore Wilsons has made me so grateful. When they make an investment in a bottle of Moet, they’re making an investment in me. They’re giving me a job, and they’re investing money that I’d just spend.
‘When they buy investment properties, they’re freeing up the rental market while also driving up house prices, thus delivering me from the temptation of buying a house for my family that we can’t afford. The hundreds of millions of dollars taxpayers lose when landlords write off their losses in tax is, as I see it, a valuable incentive no, reward – for them putting a roof over our heads.
‘And when they deny the poor pay rises so they can pay their executives million dollar bonuses, I sleep easy knowing that at the end of the day, I’ll be better off, that million dollars is gonna trickle down and look after me.’
Mr Brown says the lukewarm reaction to National’s tax cut package was a reflection of the naivety and greed of the common man.
‘Under National, my tax cuts will be effectively nothing, but that’s a good thing. A dollar or two for me, that’s not going to make a difference, I’ll still be fucking poor, but a couple hundred a week for an executive, that’s a lot of money to trickle down.
‘The money’s better off in their hands, where they’ll invest it overseas, thus not affecting inflation, therefore keeping my grocery prices down, at least until the GST rise kicks in. If I had the money, I’d only fritter it away on groceries and power or footwear for my children, and we all know increased spending leads to inflation, so I’d be making things more unaffordable for myself. Which could be alleviated by a pay rise, but that would be inflationary, so I’d actually be worse off in the long run. Besides, if I have a pay rise, that’s less money for my boss to trickle down to me.’
Mr Brown says he has enough trouble budgeting as it is.
‘Imagine if money was evenly spread, I wouldn’t know what to do with it. The rich are rich because they are good with money, which is why they should be entrusted with the vast bulk of it, and by ensuring what trickles down to me is finite, they teach me how to budget it’s like pocket money.’
Mr Brown says trickle down theory is proof that capitalism works for the poor.
‘There’s an old view that if you feed enough oats to the horse, some will pass through to the road for the sparrows. And as a sparrow myself, I’m happy feasting on my share of the oats.’
Poor people can celebrate Thank the Rich Day by making a donation at their local Business Roundtable castle. Donations over $15 will receive free shoeshine.