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ImperatorFish: John Key’s Reshuffle Analysed

Written By: - Date published: 1:41 pm, January 23rd, 2013 - 7 comments
Categories: bill english, Gerry Brownlee, Hekia parata, humour, john key, national, Steven Joyce - Tags: , ,

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

Prime Minister John Key today announced a reshuffle of his Cabinet, as well as a number of changes in the organisation of some government ministries.

The changes will come into effect on 31 January.

The biggest winner is Dr Nick Smith. He returns to Cabinet after his fall from grace last year, and is appointed as Minister for Creating a Perception of Crisis in Order to Justify Savage Cutbacks in Entitlements.

Dr Smith’s interest in resource issues has also resulted in his appointment as Minister for Exploiting High Political Office for the Benefit of Friends.

Steven Joyce remains Minister for Economic Development, Minister of Science and Innovation, Minister for Tertiary Education, Skills and Employment, and Associate Minister of Finance. A new super-ministry is to be created to encompass these various portfolios, and will be called the Ministry of Squashing Ambition and Innovation at their Conception (MOSAIC).

The biggest losers are Kate Wilkinson and Phil Heatley, who have been dropped from Cabinet altogether. Both have failed to perform, and their inability to communicate with the smoothness of someone like Hekia Parata will have counted against them.

Parata retains the Education portfolio, but her ministry is to be renamed the Ministry for Focusing on Outlining the Context of the Wider Processes Representative of the Fact that Raising Student Achievement Requires the Development of Methodologies that Add to Learning Outcomes.

Gerry Brownlee is to lead a new Insulting Everyone He Meets Ministry, which will tie in with his existing role as Minister for Ruining Christchurch.

Simon Bridges gets a promotion after being a Minister outside Cabinet. He takes on the Ministry for High Self Regard. Chris Finlayson will be his Associate Minister, taking over from Tim Groser.

Bill English retains Financial Ruin, but loses the Some Hope for a Moderate Recovery Ministry. That Ministry is to be disestablished.

Paula Bennett was tipped to take Conservation, but her enthusiasm for leopard-skin would have made her a controversial choice. She instead retains the Pulling Up the Ladder Behind Her portfolio.

Murray McCully retains Foreign Affairs and Dark Arts, while Tim Groser keeps Being Clever and Knowing It.

John Key said his new Cabinet line-up was a strong one, and would bring a renewed energy to the task of doing very little to address the nation’s biggest problems.

He acknowledged that a number of MPs had been unlucky to miss out on Cabinet positions.

“I feel for the likes of Tau Henare, Melissa Lee, Maggie Barry, Katrina Shanks, John Hayes, and Kanwaljit Singh Bakshi.

“Any one of them would have made a superb Minister of Foot in Mouth. But Gerry’s doing such a fine job I just had to leave him there.”


7 comments on “ImperatorFish: John Key’s Reshuffle Analysed”

  1. PlanetOrphan 1

    DunnoKeyo burns off the Deadwood @ PlanetKey, to make room for more “Wet Saps” (Sic).

  2. Kevin Welsh 2

    Amazing how satire can be read as reality.

  3. FYI!

    Happy New Year! 🙂

    How come in the recent NZ Ministerial ‘reshuffle’, New Zealand Prime Minister John Key hasn’t (yet) stood down the Minister for Regulatory Reform and Small Business, Associate Minister of Commerce and Education – the arguably ‘not-so-Honorable’ John Banks, Act Leader and MP for Epsom?

    John Banks has been summoned by Judge Moss to appear in the Wellington District Court on Monday 11 February 2013:

    CRI . 1085501327


    Graham Edward McCready, Informant V The Honourable John Archibald Banks, Defendant

    Charges :

    1 . Charge of “As a candidate in a local body election transmitted a return of electoral expenses knowingly that is was false in a material particular contrary to Section 134 (1) of the Local Electoral Act 2001”


    “I can tell you that when I signed my declaration for the mayoralty I signed it in good faith in the knowledge as a Justice of the Peace as true and correct. I have nothing to fear and nothing to hide and I welcome the inquiry and everything will come out in the wash,..”.

    John Banks 29 April 2012


    Q+A: Transcript of David Parker and John Banks interview
    Published: 3:38PM Sunday April 29, 2012 Source: Q+A

    I think you think I came up the river on a cabbage boat. I can tell you that when I signed my declaration for the mayoralty I signed it in good faith in the knowledge as a Justice of the Peace as true and correct. I have nothing to fear and nothing to hide and I welcome the inquiry and everything will come out in the wash, Mr Holmes. I’m more invested in the real issues of investment growth and jobs and providing working opportunities for 80,000 of our kids that are out of school and out of luck.

    But are you saying – because it is illegal, you know, don’t you, that if you know where a donation came from, to claim it was anonymous. So is what Mr Dotcom is saying about – your eyes perked up, your eyes went big at the mention of 50 grand. And so the fella gets the chequebook out and you’re sitting there and he writes a cheque. I mean, are you saying that he’s lying? Because that’s what he’s saying.

    I don’t know why you’re going on about this. I have nothing to hide.

    Is he lying?

    It’s a media beat-up. Yesterday I was going to jail. Today I’m going to be cleared. I mean, that’s what the media get up to, and you’re beating it up again. Look, we’ve got an inquiry…

    Mr Banks.

    I’m very happy to have the inquiry. (CHUCKLES)…….”


    Is John Banks ‘fit for duty’ as a JP – let alone a Minister of the Crown?

    You may remember that former National Government Ministers, Richard Worth and Pansy Wong both left Parliament, (not just their former Ministerial positions) under a cloud, although neither faced proceedings in Court?

    Is it because this MINORITY National Government – with only 59 out of 121 MPs is desperately reliant on the pivotal vote of ‘dodgy’ John Banks, that PM John Key is continuing his shonky defence of the arguably indefensible?

    Given that Prime Minister John Key’s apparently shonky actions over the Sky City Convention ‘deal’ are under review by the Office of the Auditor-General, then perhaps the public shouldn’t expect too much in terms of ethical leadership at the highest levels of the NZ Government – despite NZ’s ‘perceived’ status as the (first equal) ‘least corrupt country in the world’?


    Penny Bright

    ‘Anti-corruption campaigner’


    • woodpecker 3.1

      Good on ya Penny. Don’t ever let up.

    • bad12 3.2

      Ah yes, Banks set to get His just deserts in the District Court in February about the time that Maori will be in the Supreme Court arguing their water rights case,

      The fun has just begun,

      PS, there is only an appearance of there being little corruption among the elite in our society because there is really no Government watchdog specifically charged with sniffing it out,

      Should the SIS and Government communications spy networks be given a real job and specifically charged with sniffing out such corruption a trail of heads at the top would continually roll…

  4. unicus 4

    These National genius’s dont let the grass grow under their feet – we’re pretty sure Brownlee has been moonlighting in the movies – wasnt that him playing the King of the Orks in The Hobbit – and what a marvellous splattering end the King came to – pure poetry !

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