web analytics
The Standard

Is John Key a shape shifting reptilian?

Written By: - Date published: 3:03 pm, February 12th, 2014 - 55 comments
Categories: john key, Satire - Tags:

Key Reptilian

Shane Warbrooke wrote recently to the Government under the Official Information Act 1981 and asked the following:

“Dear Prime Minister,

Could you please provide any evidence to disprove the theory that Mr John Key is in fact a David Icke style shapeshifting reptilian alien ushering humanity towards enslavement.

Yours faithfully,

Shane Warbrooke”

You would normally expect a terse response saying that the allegation was a load of crock but instead of that chief of Staff Wayne Eagleson responded and said this:

Key shape shifting reptillian

The response is rather strange.  Eagleson could have refused it on the grounds in section 18(f) of the OIA that the claim was frivolous, after all it clearly appears to be a joke.  But instead he said that documents do not exist.  You have to wonder if there is something in the story given that Eggleston did not deny that Key is either a shapeshifting reptilian alien or that he is ushering humanity towards enslavement.  Maybe it is all true and their plans have not been committed to paper yet.

Meanwhile Danyl McLaughlan has provided evidence apparently from TV3 which suggests that the Labour Party is doing a deal with Ymir, King of the Frost Giants regarding the electorate of Ginnungagap which I must confess I have not heard of before.

Is it just me or is politics getting really weird?

55 comments on “Is John Key a shape shifting reptilian?”

  1. Well, if I was a shapeshifting reptoid, I wouldn’t write it down either.

  2. lprent 2

    Is it just me or is politics getting really weird?

    Obvious – it is you. You must be out of the loopy to not know about the Jötunn deal.

    (either that or it was an obvious straight line)

    lprent (aka Loki)


  3. karol 3

    “He came from Planet Key.”

    • fender 3.1


      Planet Claire B-52’s

      Now there’s “Planet Key” (same tune):

      He came from Planet Key
      I know he is dodgy
      He drove a corrupt cabinet
      And he’s “lovin’ it”

      Planet Key has brown air
      All the bogs are shut
      No one ever excretes there
      No one gives a fuck

      Some say he’s the guy
      Or one of the 5-eyes spies
      That scans your comp at 3:30 in the morning
      Well is IS!

  4. SHG (not Colonial Viper) 4

    How convenient that Wayne Eagleson is under no obligation whatsoever to confirm if HE is a shapeshifting reptilian.

  5. greywarbler 5

    I heard Kathryn Ryan – I think – talking to Peter Davison a previous Dr Who the other day. He is in this part of the world. Perhaps that is why the Weirdness Index has shot up into the red. Perhaps we could get together a group to supplicate for his intervention?

    • Yoza 5.1

      Blood drinking reptilian overlords also featured on Nine to Noon’s 10:45 story, today! Even more shocking, if anyone goes to the Thursday 13th replay page there is no link to the story!!

  6. Ad 6

    In January he went to Parachute, where he got to tell tens of thousands of young people about their values and their leadership, and their place in New Zealand
    Then he goes to Waitangi. Same.
    Then to Big Day Out. Same.
    Then he winks Conservative Moon Landing people
    Next he’s nodding Tea Party
    Then Parliament

    Sure he’s a chameleon – but mainstream parties need political animals

  7. tracey 7

    Importantly Wayne couldn’t find anything to disprove the theory. I expect he would have looked long and hard for it though….

  8. McFlock 8

    So New Zealand’s “birther” movement is not looking for proof of citizenship, but demands proof of mammalian reproduction rather than an egg-laying ceremony.

    Sounds about right :)

  9. tracey 9

    Is john Key having Winston followed?


    Another one for BLiP’s list

    “They’ve asked for clarity and transparency from me, I’ve absolutely given that…”

    • Chooky 9.1

      Looks like Key is getting paranoid about Dotcom (and who is visiting him ie Peters and Norman) …ironic really!

      …..maybe Kim Dotcom can organise a Billy Bunter high tea with Winston and Norman to mend their differences


      …now we are talking!…… this would really win the election away from the Key NACT reptiles

      Then we could ALL really PARTY!

      • Chooky 9.1.1

        Dotcom could invite the Queen and Charles the Greenie as well!

        …..and Russell would have to mind his manners and use a table napkin……Winston already knows how to do this….and how to charm Queenie…..he is not called Winston for nothing….

        • Chooky

          Hone and his Mother Queen Titi Harawira would have to come too ….and of course Metiria Turei would have to be the star…..she would wear one of her fabulous designer suits and she could talk to HRH Queen Elizabeth from the UK about her own castle in Dunedin Aotearoa

  10. greywarbler 10

    Absolutely is such a trite, over-used word that has been so over-layed with societal meaning, that it’s suspect.

  11. karol 11

    Has anyone seen John Key and Cam Slater in the same room at the same time? Just asking…..

    • tracey 11.1

      Even I think that might be a tad unkiund to Mr Key. 😉

    • lprent 11.2

      I’m not sure that is a good argument. People would be reeling in disgust from an exposure to one of them, that they’d never see the other.

      Ummm based on that response so common to most of the people I know, you have to ask if there is a clan of reptilian horrors slithering their way around the local political scene….. Based on some of the RWNJ trolls that I deal with. I’d say yes.

  12. fambo 12

    My lovely old 85 year-old mother commented that “It’s going to be a strange election” and that was us just discussing Kim Dotcom. Everyone is picking up on it. Truly the oddest General Election in New Zealand in living memory. Partly this is due to externalities like global warming, free trade deals, America’s aim to get Kim Dotcom, Snowdon’s revelations and general international subterfuge that has drawn New Zealand in. But any leader and party that argues that facts contain no truth and only “opinions” are real, inevitably begins to skew the sense of reality and normality in a society. The bats have been disturbed and are flying out of the attic.

    • Lanthanide 12.1

      Not least that the National government is carrying on with a policy that has been rejected by the public as well as the commentariat as being illogical and destructive.

    • weka 12.2

      “The bats have been disturbed and are flying out of the attic.”

      Classic, fambo 😀

  13. aerobubble 13

    Key’s really wobbly in parliament, he actively thinks Helen Clark stood over Howard to press home kiwi policies in OZ. I mean and then went on to frame Cunliffe who wasn’t even in Australia when Clark was having the sit down with Howard.

    Then other National MPs follow their leaders wobble thinking and start harping on how Labour did nothing about the GFC, the GFC that Key claims occurred after he came to power, that has lead to increase poverty, wages not keeping pace, and a housing market growing even more unaffordable.

    Its the recklessness of National disregard for any semblance of common sense that’s worrying, imagine if they should retake office the nonsense they will base their policies on.

    • aerobubble 13.1

      And then there’s the nonsense of National about how Labour did nothing, which would immediate cause the question what was National doing in opposition about housing, about poverty, about living wages, debt, i.e. arguing for policies that make them worse no doubt, like under its government!!!

      Its just farcical, Key gets up and says the solution to poverty is getting the unemployed into work, yet National have said its put the youth into education (and debt) and in fact Bennett admits that working poverty is a problem enough for her not to measure it but use other means.

      Key is spinning his party up its own backside.

    • tracey 13.2

      “The global financial crisis, brewing for a while, really started to show its effects in the middle of 2007 and into 2008”

      “The problem could have been avoided, if ideologues supporting the current economics models weren’t so vocal, influential and inconsiderate of others’ viewpoints and concerns.”


      Key was elected in November 2008… he is an ideologue supporting current economic models. His solutions are the sam ea sin the 80’s and 90’s and are based on an assumption the current economic foundation is sold. Notwithstanding it has significantly collapsed twice since 1984.

    • blue leopard (Get Lost GCSB Bill) 13.3

      lol aerobubble you should know by now that ‘it is all Labour’s fault’ is really the only answer this guvvamint gives or is capable of giving when they are questioned on the problems in NZ.

      I do believe that if Nashnull had their way they would press home what they really believe is that the NZ Labour Party caused the GFC – certainly not any of Key’s mates back home-I-mean in America or the City of London or Hong Kong ( or where ever it was that he slithered in from.) NO Labour caused it according them…and more…global warming?

    • Hayden 13.4

      The scary part about that is that a big chunk of the population believe it all.

  14. ropata 14

    Is Gerry Brownlee a Slitheen ?!

  15. BrucetheMoose 15

    Reading from another article, one of the reasons that Mr Warbrook’s suspicions has been raised, is it seems to be due to particular behaviour traits that he has observed in Key –
    His only clue to suspect that Mr Key might be an alien was because he didn’t seem to interact with human beings like other humans did, he told NZ Newswire.
    It would be more realistic to put the abnormal behaviour down to character flaws, such as having sociopathic tendencies rather than it being of a clandestine reptilian nature. However, I am sure there are some who would argue that point.

  16. NZ Jester 16

    Quote: “You have to wonder if there is something in the story given that Eggleston did not deny that Key is either a shapeshifting reptilian alien or that he is ushering humanity towards enslavement.”

    Well the fact John is cold blooded towards the poor of New Zealand as he comes up with policy and smiles like a crocodile wile he is announcing those policies would lend weight to that theory that he is reptilian in nature.
    As for the ushering humanity toward enslavement he can refute that as he is only ushering the poor of New Zealand into enslavement to big corporations and not all of humanity.

  17. John 17

    Ah the mighty gap.
    In Norse mythology, Ginnungagap (“mighty gap”) was the vast, primordial void that existed prior to the creation of the manifest universe. In alternative etymology, linking the ginn- prefix in Ginnungagap with that found in terms with a sacral meaning, such as ginn-heilagr, ginn-regin (both referring to the gods) and ginn-runa (referring to the runes), interprets Ginnungagap as signifying a “magical (and creative) power-filled space”

    Good luck with that.

    • greywarbler 17.1

      ‘A magical (and creative) power-filled space’. That is a powerful thought to carry. I like it.

    • Colonial Viper 17.2

      Indeed, the time before Yin and Yang characteristics formed existence.

      • greywarbler 17.2.1

        I’m reading a book with a Chinese background centuries ago. And the thinking that is described there is such a contrast with what we have here today. The talk of virtue, and duty and so on. No wonder that Chinese background seems to give so much staying power. Thoughts about people and harmonious relationships which I understand Yin and Yang refer to, are lacking in our children’s life teaching, if they have any moral teaching at all.

  18. greywarbler 18

    This is an interesting thoughtpiece which finishes with the idea that we have been hit by an alien invasion that happened while we were thinking of something else.
    Joe 90 put it up yesterday. 11/Feb/2014 at 26.1 Open Mike

  19. tricledrown 19

    The five headed five eyed monster the Banks head is shriveling up because it lacks support mortally wounded not even a good dose of epsom salts could revive it.
    The Dunne head hairy and not so scary prone to leaking also loosing its ability to support itself.
    The Colon Craig head leaving vapourized entrails while smacking itself around its own head.
    The Winston head which baubles and babbles and scampies from left to right owen to who offers him the most .
    The Key head waving and smile always beguiling.lauding and lying then denying.par for the course on planet Key
    This 5 eyed 5 headed monster has no sole not even an arsole lucky they are on planet key meaning this monster is full of it

  20. ecossemaid 20

    I don’t know about the reptilian claim…I would of thought spawn of Satan more apt.

  21. Yossarian 21

    +10 to The Scottish Lady!

    Hang on, I just read the article!
    This is disgusting!
    To compare Keys to a Shape Shifting Reptile?
    Are you lot Mad and Sick?
    This is so unfair on true shape shifting reptiles! They have feelings!
    I am reporting this to the Royal Society of The Protection of Shape Shifting Reptiles!
    Shape Shifting Reptiles of The World Unite! Fight Back!
    Save Our Reptiles From Unfair Comparisons To Keys! aka SORFUCTK!
    Can we start a petiton?

  22. Yossarian 22

    Another thought<ouch..
    If there is now an (un)fair comparison of Keys to Shape Shifting Reptiles.
    How The Hell are we now going to account for the one they call, Paula "Drink My Own Urine" Bennett? <bad mental images! arghh! go away! arghh!!!

  23. Pascal's bookie 23

    If John Key’s vet says he’s terrestial that’s good enough for me.

  24. Craig Y 24

    I was violently ill
    the day the Nats took over
    and there are some things for
    which I won’t stand

    Then something went wrong
    for John Banks and Peter Dunne
    they got caught in ethical jams

    Science fiction double feature
    Dr Brash has built a Key-reature
    See androids scripting
    Steve Joyce’s ad libs
    And Novopay requires all of
    Joyce’s skill
    Colin Craig stars in
    conspiracy theories

    Wahaha ohhhhh
    It’s all starting to look like
    a late night double feature
    horror show
    by Crosby Textor

  25. captain hook 25

    nah he is just a grubby little carpetbager grasping at the main chance.

  26. Stuart Munro 26

    I wonder if the the PM’s office will also deny the reports from cleaning staff of rodent tail leftovers in his parliamentary office rubbish. The priority for serious opposition is about to swing from ousting to capture and dissection.

    The only significant counterevidence is that these are usually hyper-intelligent reptilian alien shapechangers – but probably NZ, being relatively unimportant, got stuck with a wannabe who barely escaped being part of the fashionable shoe industry.

    So, a sub-normal hyperintelligent shapeshifting reptilian alien. That is consistent with (his? its?) behaviour.

  27. Scott 27

    Dunno about John Key, but I outed John Ansell as a lizard a while back:

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

Public service advertisements by The Standard

Current CO2 level in the atmosphere