Following the Labour and Greens’ rejection of their demand that the parties drop their NZ Power policy to lower power prices, the business elite has announced capital flight. ‘If Origin Energy loses its rentier profits, who’s next? said Phil O’Reilly,close to tears, ‘The banks? The Telecoms duopoly? The petrol companies?* The construction materials oligopoly? The ports and airports? We’re out of here, and we’re taking the dams with us.’
It’s understood that the 100 or so people run all the major rentier companies are planning to charter a fleet of private jets and ‘take their skills elsewhere’, rather than live in a New Zealand where the regulatory conditions that created those rents are fixed.
“I’ve made $15 million as the head of Mighty River,” said Doug Heffernan, “that self-evidently means I’m brilliant. For 15 years, I’ve singlehandedly kept the turbines we inherited in working order with only the help of the workforce we inherited. Not just any dumbarse could do that. And I’m so sick of people complaining we charge too much for power just because we do. It’s the market people, the artificial market the way God would have made it if he had read his Friedman. But, if you don’t like it, we’re out of here.”
“What’ll the little parasite fucks do without us?” said Joan Withers of Mighty River and Auckland Airport. “Once we take all the capital, I give them until about lunchtime before they revert to cannibalism – just like it was before neoliberalism”
The rentiers haven’t yet decided whether they’ll set up a Galtian retreat in isolated mountains or a build a Freedom Ship and live their lives in rule-free opulence on the high seas. Whatever it is, at least they’ll be able to keep what’s theirs without the serfs complaining all the time about being exploited.
At press time, the rentiers still haven’t worked out how they’ll get their money out of their New Zealand assets if there’s no-one to buy them or how they’ll take the dams and ports and ‘all the other shit’ with them. But they confidently predict that their undeniable brilliance will soon supply an answer.
“Think about it, scum,” said Contact CEO Dennis Barnes “I’m paid 100 times the median income per year. That must mean I’m worth 100 of you – if I’m not the market’s broken and that’s blasphemy. Seeing as I’m so brilliant, there’s no way me and my class would threaten capital flight unless there was some way we could actually take the capital with us.”
Ordinary New Zealanders have expressed strong support for the capital flight and planned to organise groups to round up the rentiers and make sure they all get on their flights.
[this is satire, so the quotes are fake - which means you electricity bigwigs can't sue us for writing what we know you're thinking]
*I didn’t realise until this that the ‘importer margin’ (the money left over after the cost of crude and taxes used for retailing, refining, transport, and most importantly profits) has doubled since 2005.