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Caption Competition

Written By: - Date published: 1:00 pm, April 24th, 2015 - 114 comments
Categories: caption contest, social media lolz, uncategorized, you couldn't make this shit up - Tags: , ,

John Key Kate Middleton

114 comments on “Caption Competition ”

  1. Capn Insano 1

    “You do *what* with a bath, custard and a diving costume with the bottom cut out?”

  2. Puckish Rogue 2

    “Guess what”
    “what?”
    “Nationals still 47% in the polls according to Roy Morgan”
    “No way!”
    “Way, oh and nice hair”

    🙂

    • swordfish 2.1

      (1) 45.5%, not 47% (as you yourself acknowledged just a couple of hours ago here… http://thestandard.org.nz/open-mike-24042015/#comment-1004827 …how strange that you’d suddenly add a phantom 1.5 points).
      Lowest Nat support level in quite some time.

      (2) Roy Morgan concludes an election today would be “too close to call”.

      (3) Conducted, of course, before the latest bizarre scandal.

      Still, amusing to see you clutching at straws 🙂

      • Puckish Rogue 2.1.1

        Sorry force of habit with National I guess 🙂

        “Guess what”
        “what?”
        “Labours dropped to 27.5% in the polls according to Roy Morgan”
        “No way!”
        “Way, oh and nice hair”

        🙂

    • ankerawshark 2.2

      Pukish rogue………………Good god man! You still want National to be high in the polls when they are lead by a man with a pony tail fetish who just can’t keep it under control!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What does this tell us about you?

      • Puckish Rogue 2.2.1

        That i don’t judge someone with a mental illness as harshly as you? For shame ankerawshark for shame

        • ankerawshark 2.2.1.1

          It depends on the mental illness. Psychopathy, anti social personality disorder, sexual disorder such as fetishism…………………..not so sure I judge them, just want to stay clear of them and I certainly don’t want someone running the country with one of the above!!!!!! Less judgemental of the above if they seek out treatment and try and contain their problem rather than inflicting it on others.

          • Brendon Harre 2.2.1.1.1

            People this is not a mental health issue -I am a psychiatric nurse.

            John Key was acting in a way consistent with being a dick, a dork, a kindergarten bully, an attention seeking teenager who lacks social skills to attract the opposite sex or someone who tries too hard for everybody to love him.

            Another possibility being John Key was pissed off and physically teased the waitress because she did not show him the ‘love’ that he expects. Maybe the waitress didn’t like John before the hair pulling had started, maybe she was professional to him while the other staff went along with his ‘horsing around’ and John wasn’t going to let her get away with that so started the pony tail pulling.

            Whatever it was, it was John Keys behaviour and he was responsible for it. There is no excuses, certainly not that John Key was mentally ill.

            • ankerawshark 2.2.1.1.1.1

              Hi Brendon,

              I think you are spot on and this is one of the best analysis I have heard so far.

              Key is likely use to sycophantant behaviour and likely Amanda didn’t respond in this way to him, but kept it civil and professional. So she became a target for him “Iam going to make you love me” comes to mind…………….pathetic and sickening.

              JK is certainly responsible for his own behaviour as most people with a mental illness are (unless they are acutely psychotic).

              I do think this need of his to be “loved and admired” and not getting this bothered him enough to harass the waitress into compliance. Except, she wasn’t going to comply. Good on you Amanda

        • te reo putake 2.2.1.2

          “That i don’t judge someone with a mental illness as harshly as you? ”

          An interesting acknowledgement there, PR. If someone as devoted to Team Blue as you is prepared to publicly claim the PM is mentally ill, howdya reckon the voters are seeing it?

          • Puckish Rogue 2.2.1.2.1

            Well heres the latest poll from Roy Morgan:

            http://www.roymorgan.com/findings/6187-roy-morgan-new-zealand-voting-intention-april-2015-201504230106

            But seriously I think the rabid Key supports will cancel out the rabid Key haters and the rest of NZ that don’t really care won’t worry about it that much, like his comments on pink shirts or mincing down a cat walk

            • te reo putake 2.2.1.2.1.1

              Well, I know I’ve said this before … but wait until the next one 😉 That RM reflects the country over the last couple of weeks, including a by-election bounce for Winnie. And it still has the opposition bloc in a strong position.

              I’m guessing the likes of Reid Research and Curia will be on the phones as we speak doing a round of unscheduled ‘preferred PM’ polling. That’s where the hit will be felt first.

              PS. I have a new slogan for Labour: Sure we’ve been pretty average, but at least we’re not weirdos.

  3. Clemgeopin 3

    “ What a tantalising lock of hair you have, Katy! Deviant older men don’t pull it do they? No. That’s good. We don’t want that to happen, do we!”

  4. joe90 4

    Gimme head with hair
    Long beautiful hair
    Shining, gleaming,
    Streaming, flaxen, waxen

    Give me down to there hair
    Shoulder length or longer
    Here baby, there mama
    Everywhere daddy daddy

    • Puckish Rogue 4.1

      🙂

    • Unicus 4.2

      Walking along Mt Eden Rd a while back behind a group of middle aged guys going to a game at Eden park . Festooned with fashionably ” isis black ” flags – suddenly – and apparently oblivious of small children and old ladies also sharing the footpath one dropped his trackies and did a brown-eye for his mates following behind – enough to make a gynecologist puke.

      Oh the hilarity ! having not attended a rugby game since the National Party instigated civil war of 1981 Id forgotten what fun it must be to be out with the boys (sic) abandoned to the prerogatives of brainless mate-ship.

      So John think about what real men are doing next time you’r horsing around at Rosie’s drop those designer jeans – hey why not really test your popularity and choke a number on the magazine rack while you’re at it- you can always blame Bronagh !!

  5. oarSum 5

    What will two bottles of red wine get me?

  6. BLiP 6

    Oh, yeah, on the world stage I’m a real joker, love to relax and horse around, can’t be serious all the time, gotta have a laugh otherwise, well, you know, and ackshully do you know what? I once told everyone my wife looked like a Hobbit when standing next to Michelle Obama. Somehow neither Bronagh or Michelle thought that was hilarious, but everyone else cracked up. It was great. Almost as good as the cannibal joke I told about Maori, talk about shit-yourself-funny, it was EPIC. But enough about me. How are you? I love what you’re doing with your hair. Do you happen to know Liz Hurley at all?

  7. No, I don’t believe I’ve seen ‘Something about Mary’. Why do you ask?

    Guava, balsam and a little kiwifruit. Why do you ask?

    It’s woven out of possum, you say?

  8. Pasupial 8

    “Love the hair – give us a tug.”

  9. rawshark-yeshe 9

    I might be a party pooper. I don’t think this caption competition is appropriate especially in the current climate. Can’t articulate why just yet … but it seems to be minimalising the issues and making them seem ok ? Kind of like when somebody says ” I know it’s a bit racist, but this joke is really funny” and I ask them not to continue. Racism is never funny. And maybe this sexism shouldn’t be either.

    • BLiP 9.2

      Hmmm . . . pause for thought. Thank you, rawshark-yeshe.

      Reminder to Self: Just pause for a moment and have a wee think before jumping into a potential Dog Pile.

      • rawshark-yeshe 9.2.1

        Thx Blip — and I promise no Dog Pile from me ! I thought your caption was very clever and funny, but then I realized none of it can be truly funny. Like racism. None of it ever can be. And I thought hard before posting .. Bailey and Billingsley and millions of unseen others made me do it.

        Reminder to self: try not to leave dog piles for others to step into.

    • Murray Rawshark 9.3

      If you feel uncomfortable, I’d say that’s enough. You have good instincts.

  10. swordfish 10

    Key: “Come on, Girly, just give your Old Uncle John a quick thrill ! Oh come on, now, I just want to cop a quick feel !, where’s the harm in that ? I’ve got some sweeties in my pockets”

  11. cogito 11

    Kate: “Sleazebag”.
    Key: “That’s what they all say”.

  12. ankerawshark 12

    KEY: “I’d like to horse around with your pony”

    KATE: …………….the expression says it all

  13. Clemgeopin 13

    “Would your eyes pop out in shock if I confess I am not fond of brazilians?”

  14. joe90 14

    Come to me, my own, my love, myyy preccccccciiiouuuussss…..

  15. Change the flag to a ponytail, you say? How very interesting.

    No, I will not get you a latte even if you do call me Princess!

    No, I hadn’t heard of that practice. And you say it’s called a Hoskings? Frightfully good!

  16. and even after she asked you to stop you kept touching her hair in a creepy abusive way – what the hell are you?

  17. Potato 17

    Kate’s thought bubble – “People in New Zealand actually vote for this guy?”

  18. cogito 18

    Kate: “galloping colonial clot”.

  19. amirite 19

    “Happy to see you Your Royal Highness, that’s a hair tie in my pocket,”

  20. b waghorn 20

    Get your hand off there!!

  21. rod 21

    Hi, if you like fun, banter, horsing around and hair pulling. I’m your man.

  22. Can’t say I’m in favour of this caption contest. Sure it’s all a bit of good fun but at it’s core it’s still joking about a serious, harmful form of harassment. And I suspect the bulk of people participating have never had to worry about people in their workplace casually treating them like sexual objects, and don’t appreciate what a viscerally unpleasant topic this is for many.

    • felix 22.1

      Agree it’s minimising.

    • swordfish 22.2

      Fair enough. Must admit I had a few qualms after posting my caption. Probably should have deleted. Don’t really want to make light of an unpleasant issue.

    • BLiP 22.3

      Hmmmm . . . rawshark-yeshe said the same sort of thing. I was wondering if it was just a bit too soon but, yeah, it is joking about sexual assault, victim blaming, workplace safety, human rights abuses, and a scantily clad operation across the MSM being run by John Key’s Dirty Politics Machine.

      Interesting dillemma, though. The worker is a hero and there is much cause for everyone to be grateful to her, even John Key. It is essential that this matter be treated seriously and the delivery of whatever justice the worker requires is prompt, fulsome and complete. But what about ensuring momentum? For what ever reason, this display of John Key’s character has had real cut through across the spectrum. This issue could do so much good for so long, especially it an eternal source for universally enjoyed mockery. Does this process have to result in a minimisation of the wider situation? How else can John Key mocked without reference to this crime?

      • rawshark-yeshe 22.3.1

        Maybe it’s a little to do with power .. and I am still thinking deeply about this.

        For example only, if the competition had been for things we wish Amanda Bailey had been able to say or do to Key, would that be ok ? My first thought is yes, but am still working through why.

        And trying not to step in dog pile. And Blip .. I agree. It is vital we can keep oxygen flowing to all of this.

      • phillip ure 22.3.2

        that is what is hurting key the most at the moment..

        ..that the world is essentially laughing at him..

        ..and the more fuel on that fire..the better…

        ..and i don’t think that doing this minimises the underlying issues..

        ..in any way..

        ..in fact this is just part of an unfolding theme of awareness (finally!) of how screwed over/abused the lowest-paid are..(c.f. widespread revulsion at zero hour contracts..)

        ..satire/piss-taking has long been an effective weapon against the powerful and corrupt..

        ..a tool to hold them to account..

        ..and calls to stop that satire/piss-taking chill the blood..

        • rawshark-yeshe 22.3.2.1

          agree. but what if we are satirising the wrong target ? nowhere do i suggesxt not doing it.

        • Chooky 22.3.2.2

          pu +100…”satire/piss-taking has long been an effective weapon against the powerful and corrupt”

          ….i dont think it is minimising the topic…more like role playing empathising…and exploring the permutations around it…far better than hiding it away…and laughter is good medicine

          …absolutely anyone can be subject to offensive innuendo, harassment, bullying, false accusations, sexual harassment, assault …even guys ….by other guys or by women in positions of power

          …and I am one who once was subject to sexual harassment in the workplace by a ‘boss’ who i considered and still consider dangerous , so I sure as hell don’t minimise it! …and I have nothing but admiration for Amanda Bailey for bringing it out into the light of day!

      • Clemgeopin 22.3.3

        Amanda Bailey, the waitress, likened John Key’s behaviour to “school yard bullying” and said she felt powerless and humiliated.

        In the wake of the revelations, many prominent people and groups have weighed in, mostly in defence of Ms Bailey and ridiculing the Prime Minister.

        Political analyst Bryce Edwards told TV ONE’s Breakfast programme yesterday that Mr Key may struggle to recover from damages incurred by his ponytail tugging.

        “A lot of people will be laughing at John Key, that’s harder to recover from,” Mr Edwards said.

        link here,
        http://tvnz.co.nz/national-news/john-key-hopes-retain-happy-go-lucky-nature-in-wake-ponytail-saga-6299208 .

        • Chooky 22.3.3.1

          Clem +100…”“A lot of people will be laughing at John Key, that’s harder to recover from,” Mr Edwards said.”

  23. Sutton's li'l helper 23

    “Ever been to a ‘princess party’ Kate”?

  24. Stickler 24

    Key meets Locks.

  25. ianmac 25

    “Kate. Umm. Kate. When you get your lovely smooth sensuous hair cut next time, can I have the cuttings to stroke in my hidden place? Please?”

  26. key:..’would you like to come and see my little pony collection..?

    ..i’ll let you brush them’..

  27. key:..

    ‘can i ask what conditioner you use in your (gulp!) hair..?’

  28. key:..

    ‘would you like me to plait that for you..?’

    • Chooky 28.1

      Kate: “No !…fuck off!…lay one pudgy finger on my hair and I will smite your head off with my special knighting sword”

      …” I am going to tell my Mother-in -law on you!…just you wait”

  29. cogito 29

    Key: “Well Kate, it’s pretty simple ackshually. You either let me have a feel or I’ll change the NZ flag…. And it’ll be bye bye royals…. HAHAHA”.

  30. cogito 30

    Kate: “Mr Keylusconi, I presume”.
    Key: “Bring on the punga punga party!”

  31. Planet Earth 31

    So it is just a bit of banter, right? just checking

  32. Adrian 32

    “Ooooh, thats a lovely HEAD of hair Queen Kate”
    “Touch it , and you’ll lose yours! “.

    I wish.

  33. Clemgeopin 33

    “Hey, Kate, would your eyes pop out if I were to tell you that I have had a vasectomy done on myself? “

  34. sckiwireddevil 34

    Key; ”I’m a cross-dresser, don’t you know”.

  35. key:..

    ‘say sorry to yr mum-in-law..eh..?..for me pulling her hair when i was staying there..eh..?..’

  36. Jiminy Cricket 36

    Key sprouts blonde mullet

  37. fender 37

    “Yeah, I’m a pretty sick guy, so I’ll be emptying out the shower-trap before you board the airplane”

  38. Tel 38

    Kate never got the memo, “You might not want to invite him around to lunch.”

  39. Chooky 39

    Jeezuz what a good picture !…i can think of all sorts of things for the dialogue box….but I won’t say them!

  40. Walk Away 40

    Kate: “Security if he touches my hair shoot him.”

    or

    Kate to Key: “Yes I am more important, powerful and richer than you but NO! I will not touch your hair your little creep.”

    or

    Key to self “Hair goes the knighthood.”

    or

    Kate: “Do that again and you will find out why we still have Trident”

  41. Chooky 41

    Message to John Key:

    “Ride your own pony!”

    ( someone said this was a joke doing the rounds in South Auckland)

  42. Clemgeopin 42

    ” Katy, Would your eyes pop out if I were to show a bit of happy-go-lucky horsing around with much jolly banter and do a quick hair-pulling prank on that irresistible lock of hair of yours? I don’t normally ask permission, but you are so special!”

  43. Treetop 43

    So your the new court jester John. I do not find you to be amusing at all.

  44. fender 44

    “Some people think my wife’s a greenie cos I won’t let her shave her legs”

  45. Incognito 45

    “I bet you’d be a lovely Lady Godiva”

  46. Clemgeopin 46

    ” I am looking forward to my visit to Turkey, princes. A penny for your guess!”

    http://liberation.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451d75d69e201bb0822093f970d-800wi

  47. linda 47

    creepykey to, ” rapunzel rapunzel may i pull your hair”

  48. david 48

    My next goal is to pull the ponytail of a Royal. How about it Kate?

  49. david 49

    JK looks like he has his own grey ponytail!

    • Chooky 49.1

      yes…does this mean he is wearing a wig toupee hair piece?…because the fringe at the neck is not the same colour as the top mat!

      …maybe Winston should challenge him and Peter Dunne to a duel …a wig pulling contest to see whose hair is really really real

      ….I reckon Winston’s is real and Peter Dunne’s is real ….but I suspect that Jonkey’s wig would go flying

  50. Alpha z 50

    dont b afraid of me the big bad wolf. only want to put finger in yur luvrly hair

    ~ nah, fok off kreep!

  51. Joy Clark 51

    “May I pull your…. finger your Royal Highness….? I have been advised to change tack somewhat aye…..”

  52. Neil 52

    You want to do WHAT???
    I somehow think your wife & my husband would be utterly disgusted.

  53. Clemgeopin 53

    “Hey, Kate, would your eyes pop out if I were to tell you that my wife refers to herself as ‘Stud-Screwer’?….Oops! your eyes did pop out!, ha,ha! What a lot of fun and banter I am having!”

    [ John Key tells UN ambassadors about how Bronagh filed a tax-return with stud-screwer as her occupation!
    http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=11436771 ]

  54. Clemgeopin 54

    Kate : In UK we love to go hare hunting.
    J Key : In NZ, I do too and I’m the top dog!
    Kate : (Confused and eyes pop out) What!?

  55. rod 55

    Hello I’m John Key, It must be a great thrill for you to meet me.

  56. The Real Matthew 56

    Kate: So the major opposition party in your country is led by someone who came 3rd in a caucus vote?

  57. Chooky 57

    Kate: “You should join a pony club…on second thoughts maybe not!”

  58. weka 58

    Thanks Stephanie and yeshe, I also feel uncomfortable about this post and thread.

  59. Alpha z 59

    prinsuss, i got 2 films for u to see. ull luv them. hot hot as!

    ~ https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Key+pony+tail
    ~ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6WUYzLaEOo&feature=player_detailpage

    [lprent: despite the tone. This is not spam. ]

  60. SMILIN 60

    “You want to do what? Im a married woman “

  61. cogito 61

    Kate: do you support the TPP?
    Key: but of course, Kate. Not only do I support it, I am it – The Ponytail Puller.

  62. Murray Rawshark 62

    This is also not my favourite post of all time. I’m not 100% sure why, but possibly because the power differential at the heart of Key’s assault on Amanda Bailey is not present in this picture.

    • I’ve been thinking about it a bit, too, Murray. For me, I agree the photo does ignore Amanda Bailey, but that’s because it’s focussing on the fallout, not the incident. It’s looking at an aspect of what this means for Key, which is international humiliation.

      This is a guy who makes a big deal about how he’s BFF’s with world leaders and royalty. But I’m betting if he ever gets to play golf with Barack Obama again, the Secret Service will be watching him like a hawk if the Obama girls are within stroking distance. Key’s forever going to be that weird guy from New Zealand; the Perve Minister, The Prime Molester etc.

    • Chooky 62.2

      as i see it this post is all about taking the mickey out of John Key

      …it is John key who should be feeling uncomfortable because he looks like an inappropriate creep around woman…looks like even female royalty are astounded and have their doubts about him!

      … if anything all the comments here are supporting the heroic stand of Amanda Bailey against Jonkey’s abuse of power and creepy behaviour

      …most unbecoming of New Zealand’s Prime Minister!…or any Prime Minister in the civilised world….

  63. cogito 63

    Kate: Her Majesty has been informed of your proclivities, Mr Key.
    Key: Well, Kate I am honoured. So far I’ve only done it with a waitress and a couple of kids, but doing it with Her Majesty… well, that has been my dream ever since I was small boy growing up in a little state house in Christchurch with my Austrian mother working three jobs….

  64. alwyn 64

    Kate. What ever happened to that peculiar man Cunliffe we were forced to be polite to last year?
    Key. He got a bit carried away with his fantasies. His peccadillos were like those of your husband’s uncle, Prince Andrew. At least David’s wife came to her senses and dumped him.
    Kate. Really. I thought he was a creep but I didn’t realise he was that bad.

    • Chooky 64.1

      @alwyn…obviously this post is getting to you because you are trying to undermine David Cunliffe….no one is fooled

      • alwyn 64.1.1

        Me, undermining David Cunliffe?
        I thought he did a pretty good job of that himself without any help from anyone else.
        Did you see the way that the Labour Party poll support dropped steadily every month that he was the leader?
        Anyway, why bother. He is like last week’s newspaper. Good only for wrapping up the rubbish and dumping it into the bin.

    • Murray Rawshark 64.2

      That’s just sick garbage. Andrew’s peccadillos are alleged to include sex with an underage woman. It’s not the Labour Party you should be looking at for that. Even so, the woman in question was a hell of a lot older than the victims of the prominent New Zealander.

  65. cogito 65

    Kate: So do you think that your tactile fascination with hair is going to damage you politically , Mr Key?

    Key: On the contrary, Kate. My fascination with hair is even shared by my political opponents, who are bringing in an attractive ex-hairdresser as their new MP. Hair politics could well determine the future look of the NZ government.

  66. burt 66

    I’ve got 2 bottles of wine, want to play Amy Winehands while I pull your hair ?

  67. Clemgeopin 67

    ” Kate, my dear! What nice eyes you have! Will those by chance pop out if I were to tell you that I am so popular down here that I can aukshully get away with anything, anything at all!…For instance, I can tug on your lock of hair many many times and carry on without a care in the world again and again, even after you tell me to stop, because, I am Rt. Honourable Mr Key and I am very popular here and everywhere! I have carefully worked people around to think that I am an easy going funny guy full of bucks and banter! And oh, if I do get caught out, no worries! All I have to do is give you a bunch of my bottles of red wine, say ‘Oh, sorry, so very sorry, didn’t realise’ and just move on! Yep, all will be kosher! No drama. Cool ye, princess?”

  68. Anon E Mouse 68

    If you pull my hair again I’m going to swat you

  69. Donald Rutherford 69

    “Akshully Im really just another wineo but I left my raincoat at the cafe “

  70. e-clectic 70

    I do a great version of the Jaws theme song, wanna hear it?

  71. e-clectic 71

    Say, how about you hop on my lap and we talk about the first thing that pops up – don’t worry it won’t be a long conversation.

  72. e-clectic 72

    Lucky that glistening mane of yours isn’t in a ponytail or I’d be all over you like impetigo.

  73. Clemgeopin 73

    “Katy, my dear, I am just looking at your tantalising hair! And such pretty big eyes too! Will those pop out even bigger if I were to casually tell you that we too have big eyes, FIVE big eyes, in fact!”

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    3 days ago
  • Pre-Budget speech to BNZ-Deloitte Auckland Breakfast Event
    Thank you for the invitation to speak to you today, and to share with you some of the Government’s thinking leading into this year’s budget. This will be my fourth time delivering the annual Budget for the Government, though the events of the past year have thrown out that calculation. ...
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    3 days ago
  • Rotuman Language week affirms language as the key to Pacific wellbeing
    The first Pacific Language Week this year  makes it clear that  language is the key to the wellbeing for all Pacific people said Minister for Pacific Peoples, Aupito William Sio. “This round of language  weeks begin with Rotuman. As I have always  said language is one of the pillars of ...
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    3 days ago
  • Budget delivers improved cervical and breast cancer screening
    Budget 2021 funds a more effective cervical screening test to help reduce cervical cancer rates A new breast screening system that can proactively identify and enrol eligible women to reach 271,000 more people who aren’t currently in the programme. Budget 2021 delivers a better cervical screening test and a major ...
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    4 days ago
  • NZ-France to co-chair Christchurch Call Leaders’ Summit
    New Zealand and France will jointly convene the Christchurch Call Community for a leaders’ summit, to take stock of progress and develop a new shared priority work plan. Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and President Emmanuel Macron will co-chair the leaders’ meeting on the 2nd anniversary of the Call, on 14 ...
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    4 days ago
  • New South Wales travel pause to be lifted tomorrow
    COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins says the current travel pause with New South Wales will lift tomorrow – subject to no further significant developments in NSW. “New Zealand health officials met today to conduct a further assessment of the public health risk from the recently identified COVID-19 community cases in Sydney. It has been determined that the risk to public ...
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    4 days ago
  • March 15 Collective Impact Board appointed
    The voices of those affected by the March 15 mosque attacks will be heard more effectively with the establishment of a new collective impact board, Associate Minister for Social Development and Employment Priyanca Radhakrishnan announced today. Seven members of the Christchurch Muslim community have been appointed to the newly established Board, ...
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    5 days ago
  • More young Kiwis supported with mental health and addiction services
    Nearly quarter of a million more young New Zealanders will have access to mental health and addiction support in their communities as the Government’s youth mental health programme gathers pace. New contracts to expand youth-specific services across the Northland, Waitematā and Auckland District Health Board areas have been confirmed, providing ...
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    5 days ago
  • New hospital facilities mean fewer trips to Auckland for Northlanders
    Northlanders will no longer automatically have to go to Auckland for lifesaving heart procedures like angiograms, angioplasty and the insertion of pacemakers, thanks to new operating theatres and a cardiac catheter laboratory opened at Whangārei Hospital by Health Minister Andrew Little today. The two projects – along with a new ...
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    6 days ago
  • Fair Pay Agreements to improve pay and conditions for essential workers
    The Government is delivering on its pre-election commitment to implement Fair Pay Agreements which will improve wages and conditions, as well as help support our economic recovery, Workplace Relations and Safety Minister Michael Wood announced today. Fair Pay Agreements will set minimum standards for all employees and employers in an ...
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    6 days ago
  • Establishment of the new Māori Health Authority takes first big step
    Sir Mason Durie will lead a Steering Group to provide advice to the Transition Unit on governance arrangements and initial appointments to an interim board to oversee the establishment of the Māori Health Authority. This Group will ensure that Māori shape a vital element of our future health system, Minister ...
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    6 days ago
  • Cycle trails move up a gear in Central
    Work on new and upgraded cycle trails in Queenstown, Arrowtown and Central Otago is moving up a gear as two significant projects pass further milestones today. Tourism Minister Stuart Nash has announced new funding for the Queenstown Trails Project, and will also formally open the Lake Dunstan Trail at Bannockburn ...
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    6 days ago
  • Government gives households extra help to reduce their power bills
    Nine community energy education initiatives to help struggling New Zealanders with their power bills are being given government funding through the new Support for Energy Education in Communities (SEEC) Programme.   “Last year we committed nearly $8 million over four years to establish the SEEC Programme. This funding will help ...
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    6 days ago
  • Picton ferry terminal upgrade consent fast-tracked
    The planned upgrade of the Waitohi Picton Ferry terminal has been approved under the fast-track consenting process.  Environment Minister David Parker today welcomed the decision by the expert consenting panel to approve the Waitohi Picton Ferry Precinct Redevelopment Project.    The project will provide a significant upgrade to the ferry facilities ...
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    6 days ago
  • Quarantine Free Travel with New South Wales paused
    COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins has announced his intention to pause Quarantine Free Travel from New South Wales to New Zealand while the source of infection of the two cases announced in Sydney in the last two days is investigated.  Whole genome sequencing has linked the case yesterday to a recent ...
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    6 days ago
  • Covid-19 immigration powers to be extended
    The passing of a bill to extend temporary COVID-19 immigration powers means continued flexibility to support migrants, manage the border, and help industries facing labour shortages, Immigration Minister Kris Faafoi said. “Over the past year, we’ve made rapid decisions to extend visas, vary visa conditions and waive some application requirements ...
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    6 days ago
  • “Supporting a Trade-Led Economic Recovery”
    Trade Policy Road Show SpeechManukau, Auckland   Kia ora koutou – nau mai, haere mai ki Manukau, ki Tāmaki.   Good morning everyone, and thank you for this opportunity to discuss with you current global challenges, opportunities and the Government’s strategy in support of a trade-led recovery from the economic ...
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    6 days ago
  • Building consent numbers at an all-time high
    A record 41,028 new homes have been consented in the year ended March 2021 March 2021 consent numbers the highest since the 1940s Record number of new homes consented in Auckland The number of new homes consented is at an all-time high, showing a strong and increasing pipeline of demand ...
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    6 days ago
  • Whānau-centred support for parents and tamariki
    Up to 60 whānau in Counties Manukau will be supported through the first three years of their parenthood by a new whānau-centred model of care, said Associate Health Minister, Hon Aupito William Sio. “Providing this support to young parents is something we have to get right. It’s a priority both ...
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    6 days ago
  • NZ backs moves to improve global access to COVID vaccines
    New Zealand welcomes and strongly supports the announcement made by the United States Trade Representative to work for a waiver of IP protections on COVID-19 vaccines at the WTO, Trade Minister Damien O’Connor said. “New Zealand supports equitable access to COVID vaccines for all. No one is safe from the ...
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    7 days ago
  • Tourism communities: support, recovery and re-set plan
    TIHEI MAURI ORA Tuia te whakapono Tuia te tumanako Tuia te aroha Tuia te hunga ora Ki te hunga ora Tihei Mauri ora Ka nui te mihi ki a koutou Tena koutou, tena koutou, tena koutou katoa. Thank you, Hilary and thank you, Chris, and everyone at TIA for this ...
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    7 days ago
  • Support, recovery and re-set plan for tourism communities
    Five South Island tourist communities targeted for specialist support Pressure on Māori tourism operators and Conservation facilities recognised Domestic and international-facing tourism agencies put on more secure footing Long-term plan to re-set tourism with a focus on sustainability, industry standards and regional economic diversification A plan to ensure the immediate ...
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    7 days ago
  • Speech on NZ Rail Plan
    Check against delivery E ngā mana, e ngā reo, e ngā karanga maha o te wa, tēnā koutou, tēnā koutou, tēnā tātou katoa. Ki ngā mana whenua o Taranaki Whānui anō nei aku mihi ki a koutou. Nōku te hōnore kia haere mai ki te whakanuia tēnei huihuinga whakahirahira. Nō ...
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    7 days ago
  • Government hits massive milestone in Violence Prevention & Elimination
    Minister for Family and Sexual Violence Marama Davidson announced a major milestone at a hui in South Auckland today, with the launch of the national engagement process on the prevention and elimination of family and sexual violence. “There is no room for violence in our lives – there is no ...
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    7 days ago
  • Fee waiver extended for conservation tourism businesses
    Tourism businesses operating on public conservation land will have another six months of fees waived to help them adjust to the downturn in international visitors in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, Acting Minister of Conservation Dr Ayesha Verrall has announced. "We acknowledge it has been a difficult year for ...
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    7 days ago
  • ‘Lua Wave’ to future-proof Pasifika Festivals in Aotearoa
    Pasifika festival organisers will receive additional support to adapt to the COVID-19 environment thanks to the Government’s newly launched ‘Lua Wave’ component of the Pasifika Festivals Initiative, Minister for Arts, Culture and Heritage Carmel Sepuloni announced today. “This initiative has not only been to support festival organisers to recover from ...
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    7 days ago
  • Crown accounts show confidence in Govt economic plan
    The Government’s financial accounts continue to reflect the resilience of the economy and confidence in the Government’s economic recovery plan. The Crown accounts for the nine months to the end of March 2021 show both OBEGAL and the operating balance remain better than forecast in the Half Year Economic and ...
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    7 days ago
  • Energy Trusts of NZ Autumn Conference
    It’s a pleasure to be here today. Thank you Karen [Sherry] for the introduction and thanks to the Energy Trusts Executive for inviting me to speak at tonight’s event. It is an exciting time to come to speak to trustees of distribution companies. For many decades the electricity industry was ...
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    7 days ago
  • New partnership to grow Māori success in STEM
    A new partnership with the Pūhoro STEM Academy will support thousands more rangatahi Māori to participate and succeed in the fields of science, technology, and innovation, Associate Education Minister Kelvin Davis announced today. Since 2016, Pūhoro has worked with Māori students to build their capability and create pathways to employment ...
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    7 days ago
  • Rail builds platform for economic recovery
    Transport Minister Michael Wood and State-Owned Enterprises Minister Dr David Clark today released the Government’s long term vision for a sustainable rail network that supports our economic recovery. New Zealand Rail Plan lays out how the Government is building a resilient, reliable and safe network, as well as the indicative ...
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    7 days ago
  • NZ and UK agree to lift the pace of free trade talks
    New Zealand and the United Kingdom have agreed to rapidly lift the tempo of talks, as the two countries enter a new phase in free trade negotiations, Trade and Export Growth Minister Damien O’Connor announced today. “UK Secretary of State for International Trade, Liz Truss, and I spoke today about ...
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    1 week ago