web analytics

Guest post: Swipe right for sexism

Written By: - Date published: 4:00 pm, October 21st, 2016 - 22 comments
Categories: feminism, newspapers, sexism - Tags: , , ,

Originally posted at Tangerina.

This is in response to an earlier column Society, not rugby, needs to change its culture by Peter Jackson, Editor of the Northland Age. 

tinder

Mr Jackson is right; society does need to change its culture. Rugby doesn’t exist in a vacuum – it’s played and managed by people. Imperfect people, impressionable people, people who will read Peter Jackson’s column and think too right! when he says that a player was “unable to control his testosterone”, or that a recent victim of alleged murder at the hands of her Tinder date knowingly “placed herself in a position where she was in jeopardy of coming to serious harm”.

Unfortunately, and somewhat ironically, Peter Jackson’s column is a product of the exact culture it’s admonishing: A culture which says rugby players should be more ashamed for hiring a stripper than allegedly assaulting her, a culture that questions whether a woman who was allegedly strangled and locked on a 14th story balcony while she begged to go home was complicit in her own death, and a culture which tut-tuts at Aaron Smith having sex in a public bathroom but doesn’t raise an eyebrow at the couple who waited outside, recording the incident on their cell phone.

This societal change is well overdue. Women’s Refuge cites that 1 in 3 New Zealand women will experience relationship violence, and yet we still feel that the issue is testosterone instead of setting higher standards for our men. Somehow, rather than sending clear (and surely common-sense) messages like hey guys maybe don’t assault women as part of your end-of- season rugby celebrations, our role models question the integrity of the alleged victim.

Women, and men, have casual sex. And they should get to do so without people like Peter Jackson bizarrely wringing their hands over the evils of Tinder but not, y’know, alleged murder. It’s frankly baffling how many of us are willing to invent the most tentative links to women’s complicities in the violence directed towards them, rather than spending that energy speaking with our friends and family about how to not be violent.

Our regressive view of sex and sexuality lets sexual violence flourish. When we admonish strippers, Tinder and casual sex, we put all sex outside of monogamous marriage in a big pile of ‘bad and embarrassing behaviour’. And in that pile the genuinely bad stuff gets to flourish because it’s safe there in the dark, and on the rare occasions it does get dragged out, it’s happily confused with the normal sexual behaviours we’ve been apparently dangerously indulging in since the beginning of time.

I’d hazard a guess that if we committed genuine resources and energy into teaching our young people (who are going to have sex, and maybe even play rugby) that sex is fine and good as long as it’s done with respect, enthusiastic consent and protection, we’d start to see a cultural shift that society – and rugby – would benefit from.


I originally sent this to The Herald in the hope that it might balance the scary, anti-woman rant from Jackson. John Roughan, their Leader Writer responded with a terse and baffling:

“I certainly won’t be publishing it until the trial is over, and not even then if Tostee is acquitted.”

Our lead news outlet, folks.

22 comments on “Guest post: Swipe right for sexism ”

  1. rsbandit 1

    Imagine if the tables were turned.

    If he had been throwing rocks at her, and she locked him out on the balcony, claiming she did this to protect herself and let him cool off. He then climbs over and falls.

    What would be the media position?

  2. red-blooded 2

    Great post. When are we going to have a national conversation about the issues around gender roles, sex and violence? If we never name it, how do we confront and start to control it?

  3. Chuck 3

    “I’d hazard a guess that if we committed genuine resources and energy into teaching our young people (who are going to have sex, and maybe even play rugby) that sex is fine and good as long as it’s done with respect, enthusiastic consent and protection, we’d start to see a cultural shift that society – and rugby – would benefit from.”

    Funny is this not what a parent /s job is??…teach your children what is acceptable and what is not.

    “Our regressive view of sex and sexuality lets sexual violence flourish”

    Thanks to social media, 10 year olds watching porn or 15 year old girls on dating websites hooking up with much older males for booze and drugs in exchange for sex.

    Its not a simple fix – as in committing more resources. You almost need to roll back the clock as the genie has been let out of the bottle (social media).

    • hooking up with much older males for booze and drugs in exchange for sex

      And thus Coley’s point is proved again: because apparently the “much older males” involved in these cases have literally no ability to not sexually abuse vulnerable young women. 🙄

      • Draco T Bastard 3.1.1

        +1

      • Chuck 3.1.2

        “And thus Coley’s point is proved again: because apparently the “much older males” involved in these cases have literally no ability to not sexually abuse vulnerable young women.”

        Trying to trivialize the issue is not helpful Stephanie…its very simplistic to say throwing resources into the issue will fix the problem. If that was the case then no one would be smoking or driving pissed etc.

        Its much deeper than that (resources)…it starts with the parent/s setting a good example with good advice. Even then, social media will be pulling at them…show casing all the sordid behaviour that no parent wants their children to be involved in.

        So yeh…social media is the main problem. Not resources.

        • mauī 3.1.2.1

          Most parents set a good example Chuck and don’t want their kids involved in anything nasty and do their best to avoid that happening. Teenagers aren’t going to listen to their parents anyway.

          From what I can see you’re saying it’s all social media’s fault and the next step is banning it. Good luck with that. Meanwhile the post is about changing society and attitudes, which guess what, changes how people use social media.

          • Chuck 3.1.2.1.1

            “Most parents set a good example Chuck and don’t want their kids involved in anything nasty and do their best to avoid that happening. Teenagers aren’t going to listen to their parents anyway.”

            Agree on both points. I also think a lot of parents just don’t realise what their kids get up to online.

            “From what I can see you’re saying it’s all social media’s fault and the next step is banning it.”

            I see some other comments have been made (social media). The difference between now and before social media came on the scene is this…

            It takes 30 seconds to jump online and find all sorts of porn and associated sites. Young minds are easily lead astray, and they end up thinking its “normal behaviour”. In the “old days” it was buying a adult magazine from the local dairy…that had to conform with NZ censorship guidelines.

            Using social media, sleazy guys can jump online, befriend / offer enticements to meet up with girls / young women.

            Before social media that was not possible…Yes we have always had abuse. The difference now is that social media offers a smorgasbord of victims only a click away.

        • corokia 3.1.2.2

          There’s a lot less smoking and driving pissed than there used to be.

          Throwing resources at those problems does seem to be doing something.

        • Nobody is trivializing the issue except you, with your talkback radio flamebait about “10 year olds watching porn!!!!!” and acting like sexual abuse and violence never happened before the invention of the internet.

          And nobody is saying “throwing resources into the issue will fix the problem.” Coley’s post clearly talks about resources, energy, and generating a genuine shift in our societal attitudes to sex and sexuality.

          Why don’t you try engaging genuinely with the discussion?

          • Chuck 3.1.2.3.1

            “Why don’t you try engaging genuinely with the discussion?”

            I thought I was…having some experience in pick up the pieces with someone very close to me and a couple of her friends.

            Our young people, some who are for what ever reason a little more vulnerable than others, social media is a huge danger. Its a direct path scumbags use to identify and harm them.

      • Groundhog 3.1.3

        You’re assuming the women are all young and vulnerable. Sure some are, but there are also women making poor choices who are neither young (based on Chuck’s) comment, or vulnerable.

    • Draco T Bastard 3.2

      Funny is this not what a parent /s job is??…teach your children what is acceptable and what is not.

      You’re making the assumption that parents actually know.

      Thanks to social media, 10 year olds watching porn or 15 year old girls on dating websites hooking up with much older males for booze and drugs in exchange for sex.

      I’m pretty sure you’ll find that that’s been happening since before social media started up. What’s happening is that we’re now hearing more about it because of social media.

      • dukeofurl 3.2.1

        That happened too when I was at Intermediate school- 40 years ago.

        of course the media just love social media based stories, as they think it attracts younger demographic eyeballs.
        I think the average reader age at the Oily Orca is 60+, therein lies his problem at making any real money before he goes bust-again.

  4. Draco T Bastard 4

    Dam good post.

  5. Groundhog 5

    This is about people accepting personal responsibility for their actions. Men who are sexual predators are scum and need to be treated accordingly. Women who accept an invitation to visit a strangers apartment are stupid, and take the risk of being another victim. This is not that complex.

    • Bill 5.1

      And if I, a man, accepted an invitation to a strangers flat….?

      • Groundhog 5.1.1

        …and you were assaulted, you’d have to take responsibility for your own actions. This is gender neutral accountability.

        • fender 5.1.1.1

          Yeah best to assume everyone is likely to imprison us on their belcony./sarc

          It’s called a crime: holding someone against their will.

          • Groundhog 5.1.1.1.1

            Agreed. So whats your point? That she should not be held at least partly responsible for her own predicament? You might need to read some more details of the case.

  6. Siobhan 6

    Reading the transcripts of the evening it would seem that it was a case of two people who were rather lost, lonely and dysfunctional. Add alcohol to the mix and you have a recipe for disaster.

    For me it would seem to be a story not so much about Men vs Women, but a story about religious upbringings, distorted views on sex and casual relationships, mental health, loneliness and a broken society.

    It was probably the saddest thing I have read in a long time, and I feel bad for all the people involved in both sides of the case.

  7. Mrs Brillo 7

    Writing as a wheelchair user, I’d never before thought of producing a camera when kept waiting outside a disabled loo, but you’ve guilted me into it, not out of it.

    Let the rutting couples get a hotel room. They have that option. Their randiness does not take priority over the needs of those who have no option but to use the disabled facilities.

    And if the trespassers believe they run the risk of having their faces displayed on the net (or sent to their partners) when they emerge from a disabled loo adjusting their clothing, it might give them pause for thought. Ohdearhowsadnevermind.

    That is indeed my culture, and I’m sticking with it, thanks.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Government to review housing settings
    New Zealand’s stronger-than-expected economic performance has flowed through to housing demand, so the Government will review housing settings to improve access to the market, the Finance Minister Grant Robertson announced today. “Our focus is on improving access to the housing market for first home buyers and ensuring house price growth ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    14 hours ago
  • Crown accounts reflect Govt’s careful economic management
    The better-than-expected Crown accounts released today show the Government’s careful management of the COVID-19 health crisis was the right approach to support the economy. As expected, the Crown accounts for the year to June 2020 show the operating balance before gains and losses, or OBEGAL, was in deficit. However that ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    14 hours ago
  • Community launch marks next step in addressing racism in education
    The launch of Te Hurihanganui in Porirua today is another important milestone in the work needed to address racism in the education system and improve outcomes for Māori learners and their whānau, Associate Education Minister Kelvin Davis says. Budget 2019 included $42 million over three years to put Te Hurihanganui ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    14 hours ago
  • Government to consider recommendations on DNA use in criminal investigations
    The Minister of Justice has received the Law Commission’s recommending changes to the law governing the way DNA is used in criminal investigations. The report, called The Use of DNA in Criminal Investigations – Te Whahamahi I te Ira Tangata I ngā Mātai Taihara, recommends new legislation to address how ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    16 hours ago
  • Speech to Wakatū Nelson regional hui on trade
    First, I want to express my thanks to Te Taumata for this hui and for all the fantastic work you are doing for Māori in the trade space. In the short time that you’ve been operating you’ve already contributed an enormous amount to the conversation, and developed impressive networks.  I ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    18 hours ago
  • Speech to Primary Industries Summit
    Thank you for the opportunity to speak to you today about the significant contribution the food and fibres sector makes to New Zealand and how this Government is supporting that effort. I’d like to start by acknowledging our co-Chairs, Terry Copeland and Mavis Mullins, my colleague, Agriculture Minister Damien O’Connor, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    19 hours ago
  • Fast track referrals will speed up recovery and boost jobs and home building
    The Government is taking action to increase jobs, speed up the economic recovery and build houses by putting three more projects through its fast track approval process. “It’s great to see that the fast-track consenting process is working. Today we have referred a mix of potential projects that, if approved, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Papakāinga provides critically needed homes in Hastings
    A papakāinga opened today by the Minister for Māori Development the Hon Willie Jackson will provide whānau with much needed affordable rental homes in Hastings. The four home papakāinga in Waiōhiki is the first project to be completed under the ‘Hastings Place Based’ initiative. This initiative is a Government, Hastings ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • New Zealand ready to host APEC virtually
    Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern took over the leadership of APEC earlier today, when she joined leaders from the 21 APEC economies virtually for the forum’s final 2020 meeting. “We look forward to hosting a fully virtual APEC 2021 next year. While this isn’t an in-person meeting, it will be one ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Revival of Māori Horticulturists
    The rapid revival of Māori horticulture was unmistakeable at this year’s Ahuwhenua Trophy Awards, with 2020 marking the first time this iconic Māori farming event was dedicated to horticulture enterprises. Congratulating finalists at the Awards, Māori Development Minister Willie Jackson said growing large-scale māra kai is part of Māori DNA. ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Emergency benefit to help temporary visa holders
    From 1 December, people on temporary work, student or visitor visas who can’t return home and or support themselves may get an Emergency Benefit from the Ministry of Social Development, Social Development and Employment Minister Carmel Sepuloni announced today. Previously, temporary visa holders in hardship because of COVID-19 have had ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • School sustainability projects to help boost regional economies
    Forty one schools from the Far North to Southland will receive funding for projects that will reduce schools’ emissions and save them money, Education Minister Chris Hipkins announced today. This is the second round of the Sustainability Contestable Fund, and work will begin immediately. The first round announced in April ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Farmer-led projects to improve water health in Canterbury and Otago
    More than $6 million will be spent on helping farmers improve the health of rivers, wetlands, and habitat biodiversity in Canterbury and Otago, as well as improving long-term land management practices, says Agriculture Minister Damien O’Connor. Four farmer-led catchment group Jobs for Nature projects have between allocated between $176,000 and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Tupu Aotearoa continues expansion to Pacific communities in Nelson, Marlborough, Tasman & Northl...
    Pacific communities in Nelson, Marlborough, Tasman and Northland will benefit from the expansion of the Tupu Aotearoa programme announced today by the Minister for Pacific Peoples, Aupito William Sio. The programme provides sustainable employment and education pathways and will be delivered in partnership with three providers in Northland and two ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • New primary school and classrooms for 1,200 students in South Island
    Education Minister Chris Hipkins unveiled major school building projects across the South Island during a visit to Waimea College in Nelson today. It’s part of the Government’s latest investment of $164 million to build new classrooms and upgrade schools around the country. “Investments like this gives the construction industry certainty ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Minister of Māori Development pays tribute to Rudy Taylor
      Today the Minister of Māori Development, alongside other Government Ministers and MP’s said their final farewells to Nga Puhi Leader Rudy Taylor.  “Rudy dedicated his life to the betterment of Māori, and his strong approach was always from the ground up, grassroots, sincere and unfaltering”  “Over the past few ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Prime Minister to attend APEC Leaders’ Summit
    Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern will attend the annual APEC Economic Leaders’ Meeting and associated events virtually today and tomorrow. “In a world where we cannot travel due to COVID-19, continuing close collaboration with our regional partners is key to accelerating New Zealand’s economic recovery,” Jacinda Ardern said. “There is wide ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Speech to Infrastructure NZ Symposium
    Tena Koutou, Tena Koutou and thank you for inviting me to speak to you today. This is a critical time for New Zealand as we respond to the damage wreaked by the global COVID-19 pandemic. It is vital that investment in our economic recovery is well thought through, and makes ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Pike River 10 Year Anniversary Commemorative Service
    Tēnei te mihi ki a tātau katoa e huihui nei i tēnei rā Ki a koutou ngā whānau o te hunga kua riro i kōnei – he mihi aroha ki a koutou Ki te hapori whānui – tēnā koutou Ki ngā tāngata whenua – tēnā koutou Ki ngā mate, e ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Huge investment in new and upgraded classrooms to boost construction jobs
    Around 7,500 students are set to benefit from the Government’s latest investment of $164 million to build new classrooms and upgrade schools around the country. “The election delivered a clear mandate to accelerate our economic recovery and build back better. That’s why we are prioritising construction projects in schools so more ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Keeping Pike River Mine promises 10 years on
    Ten years after the Pike River Mine tragedy in which 29 men lost their lives while at work, a commemorative service at Parliament has honoured them and their legacy of ensuring all New Zealand workplaces are safe. Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern attended the event, along with representatives of the Pike ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Additional testing to strengthen border and increase safety of workers
    New testing measures are being put in place to increase the safety of border workers and further strengthen New Zealand’s barriers against COVID-19, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins said today. “These strengthened rules – to apply to all international airports and ports – build on the mandatory testing orders we’ve ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • More public housing delivered in Auckland
    The Government’s investment in public housing is delivering more warm, dry homes with today’s official opening of 82 new apartments in New Lynn by the Housing Minister Megan Woods. The Thom Street development replaces 16 houses built in the 1940s, with brand new fit-for-purpose public housing that is in high ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Agreement advanced to purchase up to 5 million COVID-19 vaccines
    The Government has confirmed an in-principle agreement to purchase up to 5 million COVID-19 vaccines – enough for 5 million people – from Janssen Pharmaceutica, subject to the vaccine successfully completing clinical trials and passing regulatory approvals in New Zealand, says Research, Science and Innovation Minister Megan Woods. “This agreement ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Jobs for Nature funding will leave a conservation legacy for Waikanae awa
    Ninety-two jobs will be created to help environmental restoration in the Waikanae River catchment through $8.5 million of Jobs for Nature funding, Conservation Minister Kiritapu Allan announced today. “The new funding will give a four-year boost to the restoration of the Waikanae awa, and is specifically focussed on restoration through ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • New Dunedin Hospital project progresses to next stage
    As the new Dunedin Hospital project progresses, the Government is changing the oversight group to provide more technical input, ensure continued local representation, and to make sure lessons learnt from Dunedin benefit other health infrastructure projects around the country. Concept design approval and the release of a tender for early ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Jump in apprentice and trainee numbers
    The number of New Zealanders taking up apprenticeships has increased nearly 50 percent, and the number of female apprentices has more than doubled. This comes as a Government campaign to raise the profile of vocational education and training (VET) begins. Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and Education Minister Chris Hipkins announced ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • ReBuilding Nations Symposium 2020 (Infrastructure NZ Conference opening session)
    Tena koutou katoa and thank you for the opportunity to be with you today. Can I acknowledge Ngarimu Blair, Ngati Whatua, and Mayor Phil Goff for the welcome. Before I start with my substantive comments, I do want to acknowledge the hard work it has taken by everyone to ensure ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • New Zealand's biosecurity champions honoured
    Biosecurity Minister Damien O’Connor has paid tribute to the winners of the 2020 New Zealand Biosecurity Awards. “These are the people and organisations who go above and beyond to protect Aotearoa from pests and disease to ensure our unique way of life is sustained for future generations,” Damien O’Connor says. ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Tourism Industry Aotearoa Conference
    speech to Tourism Industry Aotearoa annual summit Te Papa,  Wellington Introduction Nau mai, haere mai Tēnā koutou, tēnā koutou, Ka nui te mihi, ki a koutou. Thank you Tourism Industry Aotearoa for hosting today’s Summit. In particular, my acknowledgements to TIA Chair Gráinne Troute and Chief Executive Chris Roberts. You ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Supermarkets announced as Government’s second market study
    The Government has today launched a market study to ensure New Zealanders are paying a fair price for groceries.   “Supermarkets are an integral part of our communities and economy, so it’s important to ensure that Kiwis are getting a fair deal at the checkout,” Minister of Commerce and Consumer ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Masks to be worn on Auckland public transport and all domestic flights
    Masks will need to be worn on all public transport in Auckland and in and out of Auckland and on domestic flights throughout the country from this Thursday, Minister for COVID-19 Response Chris Hipkins said today. “I will be issuing an Order under the COVID-19 Response Act requiring the wearing ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • New Zealand signs Regional Comprehensive Economic Partnership
    Increase to New Zealand’s GDP by around $2 billion each year Increase opportunities for NZ exporters to access regional markets Cuts red tape and offers one set of trade rules across the Asia Pacific region New government procurement, competition policy and electronic commerce offers NZ exporters increased business opportunities Prime ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Minister acknowledges students as exams begin
    Education Minister Chris Hipkins has recognised the extraordinary challenges students have faced this year, ahead of NCEA and New Zealand Scholarship exams which begin on Monday. “I want to congratulate students for their hard work during a year of unprecedented disruption, and I wish students all the best as ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Prime Minister meets with key ASEAN and East Asia Summit partners
    Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern today attended the ASEAN-New Zealand Commemorative Summit and discussed with Leaders a range of shared challenges facing the Indo-Pacific region, including: The ongoing management of the COVID-19 pandemic; The importance of working collectively to accelerate economic recovery; and Exploring further opportunities for partners to work more ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Veterans Affairs Summit held in Korea
    A Ministerial Summit on Veterans’ Affairs was held in the Republic of Korea this week. Ministers with veteran responsibilities were invited from all 22 countries that had been part of the United Nations Forces during the Korean War (1950 – 1953). The Summit marked the 70th anniversary of the outbreak ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Clear direction set for the education system, skills prioritised
    The Government has released a set of priorities for early learning through to tertiary education and lifelong learning to build a stronger, fairer education system that delivers for all New Zealanders. “The election delivered a clear mandate from New Zealanders to accelerate our plan to reduce inequalities and make more ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • A Progressive Agenda
    Speech to the Climate Change + Business Conference, November 12, 2020 Tena koutou katoa Thank you for inviting me to speak here today. It is great to see us all come together for a common cause: to redefine our future in the face of unprecedented times.  Covid-19 and climate change are ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Wellington Pasifika Business Awards
    Thank you for having me join with you as we celebrate the success of Pacific businesses tonight, and recognise the resilient and innovative entrepreneurs who lead them. Equally important to me is, that we are also able tonight to offer up our gratitude to those leaders who have organised and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Commemorative address at Act of Remembrance for Armistice Day
    Tuatahi māku  Ka mihi tu ki a koe Pita E pīkauria ana i te mana o Ngā tūpuna o te whenua nei. Thank you Bernadette for your warm introduction. I would also like to reflect on your acknowledgments and welcome Peter Jackson, Taranaki Whānui; Members of the National War Memorial ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago