web analytics

ImperatorFish: Judith Collins explains

Written By: - Date published: 8:14 am, April 18th, 2014 - 30 comments
Categories: Judith Collins, Satire - Tags:

Iimperator fish logomperatorFish generously allows us to repost some of his posts. It was impossible to resist this satire.

I can’t believe I’m having to explain myself yet again. Didn’t I already provide a perfectly clear explanation?

These allegations are disgusting and outrageous. How could anyone for a moment think I did something wrong?

All I did was attend a dinner with bosses of a company having trouble with Chinese border officials, a dinner that a Chinese border official coincidentally attended.  So what? So what if Oravida and its owner Stone Shi donate heavily to the National Party, and my husband is also involved with the company? What possible motive could I have to help Oravida? What possible conflict could arise in such a situation?

The presence of a Chinese border official at a dinner I was attending with the owner of a company having trouble with Chinese border officials, is entirely irrelevant. In my role as MP and government minister I attend a lot of meals, and I often find myself seated next to Chinese border officials. I see Chinese border officials almost everywhere I go, and it’s got to the stage where I hardly notice them anymore.

I’ll give you an example. Just last week I took my husband out for a quiet romantic dinner at a restaurant in my local electorate, and when we got to our table we found a Chinese border official already sitting there. He looked at the wine list and ate some of the bread we ordered as a starter, but didn’t say a word. I couldn’t even tell you what he looked like, because it didn’t seem important. It’s really no big deal.

We came home to find another Chinese border official sitting in the lounge, sifting through my pile of House and Garden magazines. He had helped himself to our tea but was otherwise minding his own business, so we left him there. I made up the spare bed for him, but he left of his own accord after we’d turned in for the night.

On my flight to Wellington on Monday morning I was seated next to a Chinese border official. I could tell what he did for a living because he had a badge on saying “Chinese border official,” which is lucky, otherwise I’d have assumed he was just another Chinese businessman in a suit. It even turned out that the pilot was a Chinese border official. These people are everywhere, so it would have been an enormous surprise if one of them hadn’t been at my dinner with Oravida.

Did I speak to the Chinese border official during my dinner with Oravida? Of course I didn’t! Why would I? What would I have to say to such an uninteresting and ubiquitous class of person?

Actually, come to think of it, I may have spoken to the gentleman. I remember now that at the very beginning of the dinner I stood over him and said “now listen here, you Chinese official type person, I have nothing to say to you. And I won’t be having any of your talk, so button your lip!” And then I gave him The Stare. I think you know The Stare. It’s what I’m about to give you very shortly if you don’t stop with all these questions.

Judith Collins no cluedoAnd that was that. No, how could I possibly know why the Chinese border official was at the dinner? What possible reason could Oravida have for greasing up to such a person? Oh, Oravida was having problems with Chinese border officials, you say? I didn’t know that at the time, did I? Yes, I’m aware now that Oravida was lobbying ministers to intervene, but just because I happen to be a personal friend of Stone Shi, the owner of the company, that doesn’t mean he would have approached me for assistance in the matter. No, I just can’t imagine him ever doing that.

But let me be clear that if it does turn out that Stone Shi asked me to intervene on Oravida’s behalf, that doesn’t mean there was anything unusual or sinister in my having dinner with a Chinese border official. If Mr Shi did mention Oravida’s problems, then I’m sure I forgot about them immediately afterwards. I’m an extremely busy woman, and I can’t be expected to remember every single thing people tell me. Surely if John Banks can lose a helicopter ride, I can be allowed to forget this one little thing.

I’m confident that my presence at the dinner was in no way an attempt by Oravida to impress or intimidate the Chinese border official by wheeling out pliant New Zealand government ministers. I can’t imagine that sort of thing would ever happen in China. Surely that’s not how business is done there.

So enough of this rubbish and nonsense about Oravida. Why don’t you ask me questions about more important things? I have a wide range of other ministerial responsibilities, and there are lots of exciting things happening in my other portfolios.

What’s that? You want to talk about ACC privacy breaches? In that case, does anyone else have anything they’d like to ask me about Oravida?

30 comments on “ImperatorFish: Judith Collins explains”

  1. Philj 1

    xox
    Have you thought about politics as a career, Imperator?

  2. Macro 2

    Just as well I had finished my coffee! 🙂

    • Red Rosa 2.1

      +1

    • lprent 2.2

      I know what you mean.

      I was croaking it out to Lyn earlier through a bit of a damn throat cold, and having laughter problems as I read through the bits about wayward chinese customs officials turning up everywhere to be ignored or stared at…

      Good thing that I’d already had the coffee…

      • Anne 2.2.1

        Reminded me of Tom Scott’s cartoon back in the Muldoon era. He was tucked up in his little bed (frightened and alone) while Russian spies, bedecked in tunics and boots, were hanging from the light bulb cord, squashed under the bed, climbing in the window and peering out of the wardrobe cupboard.

    • Ake Ake Ake 2.3

      Waahaa.
      Also, a very appropriate pic. It should be put alongside other pictures in a series called “The Many Faces of National’s Corruption and Lies”.

    • Tracey 2.4

      great stuff

  3. greywarbler 3

    “Judith can’t believe she has to explain this all again”
    Are you lot stupid or what, Judith looks irritable, taps her foot.

    Yes, stupid to want our pollies to be thinking of what they can do to get the country running well and sustainably for the benefit of us all. Not filling in time while you make useful business connections for your own benefit Judith.

    Pansy got tossed out of the flower bed. So should you. Grow your family business interests in your own time, under your own steam. Put your energy into your job, serving us. (Hollow cynical, maniacal laughter echoes on for days and months. Until the election.)

  4. Rogue Trooper 4

    true to type.

    • greywarbler 4.1

      Hi Rogue wondering about you this morning. See you ’round.

      • Rogue Trooper 4.1.1

        slingshot, just waiting for Chorus to do their bit, and we can return to our fire-side chats gw. Been a lengthy sabbatical, a busman’s holiday if you will, read some books and sparred with the summer haze.

  5. tricledrown 5

    Colins learning the art of lying for tilt at leaders job.

  6. ffloyd 6

    I read somewhere that because of all the pressure she has been under she said she has been ‘humanised’ Apparently she was not ‘human’ before.

  7. Chooky 7

    like her pearls….Judith could be quite attractive if she smiled more

  8. RedLogix 8

    It’s black humour, but depressing all the same. Collins has a history of arrogantly re-writing the rules to suit herself.

    But let’s be clear on one thing. If a left-wing pollie even looks like they’ve put a foot wrong, these righties are up it like the proverbial rat and drainpipe. They know perfectly well what a conflict of interest really is, and what corrupt conduct is. In general right wingers are very rule driven creatures – and particularly possessed by the letter of the law.

    There are no fine interpretations here; Collins knows perfectly well she’s fucked up. And badly. She has no valid defense, so we are getting the bullying bluster instead. Unfortunately for her, she’s not charming with it.

  9. Stuart Munro 9

    Someone should do Judith the favour of explaining the Easter message to her – she’ll have to die before she can rise again.

    On the other hand, crucifying her all the way to the election, a double bill with Key’s scampi ad, should see both of them gone in September. NZ does not love or expect corruption.

    • greywarbler 9.1

      SM
      Got to be aware of the public’s predilection? to swing like a weathercock in the wind. Too much opprobrium and next thing there would be a campaign of emotional support for her against the ‘orrible lefties. Think of the Campaign for Rowling as an example of a political push that seemed quite clear and reasonable yet going wrong.

      • Stuart Munro 9.1.1

        Citizens for Rowling was personality driven – it was the author of its own demise. JC has graphically broken the rules, when the cabinet manual is drafted to proscribe even the appearance of ministerial partiality.

        I wouldn’t count on this crocodile’s tears winning her much sympathy.

        • North 9.1.1.1

          I do note though that on Herald online today a click on the tab “Should Collins resign as a minister ?”, presumably a facility for me to click ‘NO’ if that be my feeling, my vigorous clicking takes me nowhere. End of story.

          Have the powers that be at the Herald decided……’enough is enough…..’ ?

  10. Not a PS Staffer 10

    Collins’ husband is not “only a Director with no financial interest” as Collins continually says.

    He is a full time manager, possibly on $200k a year. Being also a Director he has a legal duty to care for the shareholder’s investment.

    Question for Parliament:
    Does your husband spend more than 20 hours a week on Oravida business!
    Does your husband spend more than 20 hours a week as an employee in any business other than Oravida ?
    Does your husband’s income from Oravida represent more than 25% of your family’s joint income?

    • felix 10.1

      I think I heard it mentioned in parliament that he is also a director of several other companies who do business with Oravida.

      The Collins’, along with the Keys, the Goodfellows and several other top level National Party people seem to be deeply entwined and financially interested in and around this network of companies.

      Oh and he’s been stealing our petrol for five and a half years.

    • Tracey 10.2

      no fee for being a director? ? if true there is a quid pro quo for him somewhere

  11. North 11

    http://www.nzherald.co.nz/politics/news/article.cfm?c_id=280&objectid=11240077

    Which means of course that the test for ‘human’ has been wickedly skewed !

    Much like when the old warhorse Muldoon, in tart response to barbs about a notable level of Kiwi emigration to Oz, spat back that the net result would be IQ gain on both sides of the Tasman.

    Oh for the halcyon days when the PM of whatever stripe was not a foreign stooge !

  12. Redzone 12

    This horror vida isn’t over yet for Collins -the more she try’s to deflect the deeper the hole. Predict if this goes on another few weeks after recess key won’t have any choice but to fire her to try and make this shitty mess disappear. Not before time. Call it karma. Next Keys interest and conflict with Oravida needs far greater exposure too.

  13. Ad 13

    God if only Labour had a couple more like her.

    She’s like Goff except with charm, boldness, chutzpah, aggression, connections, political hunger, and oh wait not like Goff at all.

    Labour needs a No. 4 better than her. Events are in the saddle and she’s ridin’.

  14. ianmac 14

    There must be something really really really serious to hide otherwise why else put herself through all this. I wonder why

Leave a Comment

Show Tags

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Hotel no place for children in care
    ...
    2 days ago
  • Maybe not, Minister? Nick Smith’s housing measure suppressed
    Sir Humphrey: Minister, remember the Housing Affordability Measure work you asked us to prepare back in 2012? Well, it’s ready now.Minister Smith: Oh goodie, what does it say?Sir Humphrey: Nothing.Minister Smith: Nothing?Sir Humphrey: Well, sir, you asked us to prepare ...
    3 days ago
  • Inflation data shows many New Zealanders are worse off under National
    The latest inflation data from Statistics New Zealand shows that too many New Zealanders are now worse off under the National Government, said Labour’s Finance Spokesperson Grant Robertson “Consumer Price Inflation (CPI) is now running at 2.2 per cent, and ...
    3 days ago
  • Another emergency housing grant blow out
      Emergency housing grants data released today show another blow out in spending on putting homeless people up in motels, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford.   ...
    3 days ago
  • Families struggle as hardship grants increase
    The considerable increase in hardship grants shows that more and more Kiwi families are struggling to put food on the table and pay for basic schooling, says Labour’s Social Development spokesperson Carmel Sepuloni. ...
    3 days ago
  • More tinkering, no leadership from Nats on immigration
    National’s latest tinkering with the immigration system is another attempt to create the appearance of action without actually doing anything meaningful, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. ...
    4 days ago
  • Suicide figures make for grim reading
    The 506 suspected suicides of Kiwis who have been in the care of mental health services in the last four years show that these services are under severe stress, says Labour’s Health spokesperson David Clark.   “If you do the ...
    5 days ago
  • Pay equity deal a victory for determination and unions
    The pay equity settlement revealed today for around 55,000 low-paid workers was hard-won by a determined Kristine Bartlett backed by her union, up against sheer Government resistance to paying Kiwis their fair share, says Labour Leader Andrew Little. “Labour welcomes ...
    6 days ago
  • DHB’s forced to make tough choices
    The Minister of Health today admitted that the country’s District Health Boards were having to spend more than their ring fenced expenditure on Mental Health, says Labour’s Health spokesperson David Clark.   “The situation is serious with Capital and Coast ...
    1 week ago
  • Nats break emergency housing pledge – deliver just five more places
    Despite National’s promises of 2,200 emergency housing beds, just 737 were provided in the March Quarter, an increase of only five from six months earlier, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. ...
    1 week ago
  • Research underlines need for KiwiBuild
    New research showing the social and fiscal benefits of homeownership underlines the need for a massive government-backed building programme like KiwiBuild, says Labour’s housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Social data security review too little, too late
    The independent review into the Ministry of Social Development’s individual client level data IT system is too little, too late, says Labour’s Social Development spokesperson Carmel Sepuloni. “The Minister of Social Development has finally seen some sense and called for ...
    2 weeks ago
  • More questions raised on CERA conflicts
    With the admission that three more former CERA staff members are under suspicion of not appropriately managing conflicts of interest related to the Canterbury rebuild, it’s imperative that CERA’s successor organisation Ōtākaro fronts up to Parliamentary questions, says Labour’s Canterbury ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Labour to tackle Hutt housing crisis
    Labour will build a mix of 400 state houses and affordable KiwiBuild homes in the Hutt Valley in its first term in government to tackle the housing crisis there, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. “Housing in the Hutt ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Farewell to John Clarke
    This wonderfully talented man has been claimed by Australia, but how I remember John Clarke is as a young Wellington actor who performed satirical pieces in a show called “Knickers” at Downstage Theatre. The show featured other future luminaries like ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty
    2 weeks ago
  • Valedictory Speech
    Te papa pounamu Aotearoa NZ Karanga karanga karanga; Nga tupuna Haere haere haere; Te kahui ora te korowai o tenei whare; E tu e tu ... tutahi tonu Ki a koutou oku hoa mahi ki Te Kawanatanga; Noho mai noho ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Buck stops with Gerry Brownlee
    The fact that the State Services Commission has referred the CERA conflict of interest issue to the Serious Fraud Office is a positive move, but one that raises serious questions about the Government’s oversight of the rebuild, says Labour Canterbury ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Teachers deserve a democratic Education Council
    Teachers around New Zealand reeling from the news that their registration fees could more than double will be even angrier that the National Government has removed their ability to have any say about who sits on the Council that sets ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Free trade backers are simply out of touch
    Are the backers of free trade out of touch with public opinion? This was the question asked when the Chartered Accountants launched their Future of Trade study. I was astonished by the answer in a room of free trade enthusiasts ...
    GreensBy Barry Coates
    2 weeks ago
  • John Clarke aka Fred Dagg will be missed by all Kiwis
    The man who revolutionised comedy on both sides of the Tasman, John Clarke, will be sadly missed by Kiwis and Aussies alike, says the Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little.   “I grew up with Fred Dagg and I am ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Labour’s modern approach to monetary policy
    A commitment to full employment and a more transparent process to provide market certainty are the hallmarks of Labour’s proposals for a new approach to monetary policy, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Greens back Labour’s plan for monetary policy reform
    Labour plans to change the way we do monetary policy in New Zealand and the Green Party supports them fully. We’re now of a single mind on this. Labour will move away from our reliance on a single, unelected person ...
    GreensBy robert.ashe
    2 weeks ago
  • Greens back Labour’s monetary policy reform
    Labour plans to change the way we do monetary policy in New Zealand and the Green Party supports them fully. We’re now of a single mind on this. Labour will move away from our reliance on a single, unelected person ...
    GreensBy James Shaw
    2 weeks ago
  • Govt drops ball on Masters Games housing squeeze
    Families currently living in emergency accommodation face being forced out onto the street as motel accommodation in Auckland is filled up by contestants and visitors of the World Masters Games in coming weeks, says Labours social development spokesperson Carmel Sepuloni. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • State inquiry for Nga Morehu – The Survivors of State Abuse
    The Prime Minister must show humanitarian leadership and launch an independent inquiry into historic claims of abuse of children who were in State care, says Labour’s Deputy Leader Jacinda Ardern. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Coleman – ‘overwhelmed by disinterest’ and ‘conked out’
    Today’s trenchant criticism of the Government’s health policy by Ian Powell the executive director of the Association of Salaried Medical Specialists must trigger action by the Minister, says Labour’s spokesperson for Health David Clark. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Statement on Syria
    Like the rest of the world, I have been horrified at the chemical attack on innocent Syrians that led to the deaths of so many men, women and children,” says Labour Leader Andrew Little. “The deliberate attack on civilians as ...
    2 weeks ago
  • The hard truth about that soft drink ad
    I am relieved that Pepsi has pulled its ridiculous commercial that obscenely co-opted the #BlackLivesMatter movement. At the very least, it was an awkward failure that tried too hard to be something it could never be. At its worst, it ...
    GreensBy Marama Davidson
    2 weeks ago
  • Journalism Matters: Interesting the public in the public interest
    Last week I launched two policies to support Kiwi journalism because as Bill Moyers put it, “the quality of democracy and the quality of journalism is deeply intertwined.” Journalism matters because it’s how we discover what’s happening in our world, ...
    GreensBy Gareth Hughes
    2 weeks ago
  • Homeownership rate hits new low; KiwiBuild needed now
    The homeownership rate has fallen to just 63.1 per cent, according to Statistics New Zealand’s newly released Dwelling and Household estimates. That’s down three per cent under National to the lowest level since 1951, confirming the need for Labour’s KiwiBuild ...
    2 weeks ago
  • OECD endorses Labour’s Future of Work approach
    An OECD report released today, highlighting the need for increased support for workers who are made redundant, is a strong endorsement of the direction of Labour’s Future of Work Commission, says Labour’s Employment spokesperson Grant Robertson. “We welcome the OECD’s ...
    2 weeks ago
  • The Government knows diddly squat about health funding
    Asked about the funding of the Auckland Regional Public Health Service, the Associate Minister of Health was at sea today on the typhoid outbreak, says Labour’s Health spokesperson David Clark.   “When I asked Nicky Wagner who was responsible for the ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Nicky Wagner blames disability workers for Govt’s funding failure
    Nicky Wagner displayed disrespect and sheer arrogance when she insulted disability support workers today, says Labour’s Disability Issues spokesperson Poto Williams. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Parata in denial over special education crisis
    Hekia Parata has her head buried in the sand when it comes to the pressure that schools are under as they attempt to cope with an increasing number of children with severe behavioural and other learning support needs, says Labour’s ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Data-for-funding move hits Privacy roadblock
    The Government’s much-criticised grab for private client data from social service organisations has suffered another defeat after the Privacy Commissioner’s damning report, says Labour’s Social Development spokesperson Carmel Sepuloni. “This is a defeat for the Government’s plans to force social ...
    2 weeks ago
  • New research shows need for government-led house building
    Research by economist Shamubeel Eaqub shows the need for the government to lead the building of affordable starter homes, as would happen under Labour’s KiwiBuild policy, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Kiwis need answers on typhoid outbreak
      The Ministry of Health wasn’t told about the typhoid outbreak until 11 days after three people from the same church were admitted to hospital, says Labour’s spokesperson for Health David Clark.   “It is no longer credible for the Minister ...
    3 weeks ago
  • Maori Party gets it wrong again on RMA
    The Māori Party is missing the big picture on National’s Resource Management Act reforms by supporting a fundamentally flawed Bill, says Labour’s Local Government spokesperson Meka Whaitiri. ...
    3 weeks ago
  • Maori Party error own goal on GM
    The Maori Party amendment to the Resource Legislation Amendment Bill does not achieve what they say it does on genetic modification, says Labour’s Environment spokesperson David Parker. “Their amendment relates to the new powers given to the Minister to over-ride ...
    3 weeks ago
  • Is the Government dragging its feet on typhoid?
    Serious questions have been raised about the Government’s handling of the Auckland typhoid outbreak which has claimed a life, says Labour’s Health spokesperson David Clark.   “It’s tragic that a woman has died and that at least 15 people have ...
    3 weeks ago
  • Tell us what you think is great
    We think Aotearoa is great so we’re incredibly excited to show you this video campaign. It’s the result of a five-day adventure around New Zealand where over 80 people shared their homes, their unique part of the country and their ...
    GreensBy James Shaw
    3 weeks ago
  • Need for independent inquiry still remains
    The need for an independent inquiry to get to the bottom of allegations still remains despite the Prime Minister’s stubborn refusal to call one, says Labour Leader Andrew Little. “Bill English has again failed to do the right thing and ...
    3 weeks ago