web analytics

ImperatorFish: Judith Collins explains

Written By: - Date published: 8:14 am, April 18th, 2014 - 30 comments
Categories: Judith Collins, Satire - Tags:

Iimperator fish logomperatorFish generously allows us to repost some of his posts. It was impossible to resist this satire.

I can’t believe I’m having to explain myself yet again. Didn’t I already provide a perfectly clear explanation?

These allegations are disgusting and outrageous. How could anyone for a moment think I did something wrong?

All I did was attend a dinner with bosses of a company having trouble with Chinese border officials, a dinner that a Chinese border official coincidentally attended.  So what? So what if Oravida and its owner Stone Shi donate heavily to the National Party, and my husband is also involved with the company? What possible motive could I have to help Oravida? What possible conflict could arise in such a situation?

The presence of a Chinese border official at a dinner I was attending with the owner of a company having trouble with Chinese border officials, is entirely irrelevant. In my role as MP and government minister I attend a lot of meals, and I often find myself seated next to Chinese border officials. I see Chinese border officials almost everywhere I go, and it’s got to the stage where I hardly notice them anymore.

I’ll give you an example. Just last week I took my husband out for a quiet romantic dinner at a restaurant in my local electorate, and when we got to our table we found a Chinese border official already sitting there. He looked at the wine list and ate some of the bread we ordered as a starter, but didn’t say a word. I couldn’t even tell you what he looked like, because it didn’t seem important. It’s really no big deal.

We came home to find another Chinese border official sitting in the lounge, sifting through my pile of House and Garden magazines. He had helped himself to our tea but was otherwise minding his own business, so we left him there. I made up the spare bed for him, but he left of his own accord after we’d turned in for the night.

On my flight to Wellington on Monday morning I was seated next to a Chinese border official. I could tell what he did for a living because he had a badge on saying “Chinese border official,” which is lucky, otherwise I’d have assumed he was just another Chinese businessman in a suit. It even turned out that the pilot was a Chinese border official. These people are everywhere, so it would have been an enormous surprise if one of them hadn’t been at my dinner with Oravida.

Did I speak to the Chinese border official during my dinner with Oravida? Of course I didn’t! Why would I? What would I have to say to such an uninteresting and ubiquitous class of person?

Actually, come to think of it, I may have spoken to the gentleman. I remember now that at the very beginning of the dinner I stood over him and said “now listen here, you Chinese official type person, I have nothing to say to you. And I won’t be having any of your talk, so button your lip!” And then I gave him The Stare. I think you know The Stare. It’s what I’m about to give you very shortly if you don’t stop with all these questions.

Judith Collins no cluedoAnd that was that. No, how could I possibly know why the Chinese border official was at the dinner? What possible reason could Oravida have for greasing up to such a person? Oh, Oravida was having problems with Chinese border officials, you say? I didn’t know that at the time, did I? Yes, I’m aware now that Oravida was lobbying ministers to intervene, but just because I happen to be a personal friend of Stone Shi, the owner of the company, that doesn’t mean he would have approached me for assistance in the matter. No, I just can’t imagine him ever doing that.

But let me be clear that if it does turn out that Stone Shi asked me to intervene on Oravida’s behalf, that doesn’t mean there was anything unusual or sinister in my having dinner with a Chinese border official. If Mr Shi did mention Oravida’s problems, then I’m sure I forgot about them immediately afterwards. I’m an extremely busy woman, and I can’t be expected to remember every single thing people tell me. Surely if John Banks can lose a helicopter ride, I can be allowed to forget this one little thing.

I’m confident that my presence at the dinner was in no way an attempt by Oravida to impress or intimidate the Chinese border official by wheeling out pliant New Zealand government ministers. I can’t imagine that sort of thing would ever happen in China. Surely that’s not how business is done there.

So enough of this rubbish and nonsense about Oravida. Why don’t you ask me questions about more important things? I have a wide range of other ministerial responsibilities, and there are lots of exciting things happening in my other portfolios.

What’s that? You want to talk about ACC privacy breaches? In that case, does anyone else have anything they’d like to ask me about Oravida?

30 comments on “ImperatorFish: Judith Collins explains ”

  1. Philj 1

    xox
    Have you thought about politics as a career, Imperator?

  2. Macro 2

    Just as well I had finished my coffee! 🙂

    • Red Rosa 2.1

      +1

    • lprent 2.2

      I know what you mean.

      I was croaking it out to Lyn earlier through a bit of a damn throat cold, and having laughter problems as I read through the bits about wayward chinese customs officials turning up everywhere to be ignored or stared at…

      Good thing that I’d already had the coffee…

      • Anne 2.2.1

        Reminded me of Tom Scott’s cartoon back in the Muldoon era. He was tucked up in his little bed (frightened and alone) while Russian spies, bedecked in tunics and boots, were hanging from the light bulb cord, squashed under the bed, climbing in the window and peering out of the wardrobe cupboard.

    • Ake Ake Ake 2.3

      Waahaa.
      Also, a very appropriate pic. It should be put alongside other pictures in a series called “The Many Faces of National’s Corruption and Lies”.

    • Tracey 2.4

      great stuff

  3. greywarbler 3

    “Judith can’t believe she has to explain this all again”
    Are you lot stupid or what, Judith looks irritable, taps her foot.

    Yes, stupid to want our pollies to be thinking of what they can do to get the country running well and sustainably for the benefit of us all. Not filling in time while you make useful business connections for your own benefit Judith.

    Pansy got tossed out of the flower bed. So should you. Grow your family business interests in your own time, under your own steam. Put your energy into your job, serving us. (Hollow cynical, maniacal laughter echoes on for days and months. Until the election.)

  4. Rogue Trooper 4

    true to type.

    • greywarbler 4.1

      Hi Rogue wondering about you this morning. See you ’round.

      • Rogue Trooper 4.1.1

        slingshot, just waiting for Chorus to do their bit, and we can return to our fire-side chats gw. Been a lengthy sabbatical, a busman’s holiday if you will, read some books and sparred with the summer haze.

  5. tricledrown 5

    Colins learning the art of lying for tilt at leaders job.

  6. ffloyd 6

    I read somewhere that because of all the pressure she has been under she said she has been ‘humanised’ Apparently she was not ‘human’ before.

  7. Chooky 7

    like her pearls….Judith could be quite attractive if she smiled more

  8. RedLogix 8

    It’s black humour, but depressing all the same. Collins has a history of arrogantly re-writing the rules to suit herself.

    But let’s be clear on one thing. If a left-wing pollie even looks like they’ve put a foot wrong, these righties are up it like the proverbial rat and drainpipe. They know perfectly well what a conflict of interest really is, and what corrupt conduct is. In general right wingers are very rule driven creatures – and particularly possessed by the letter of the law.

    There are no fine interpretations here; Collins knows perfectly well she’s fucked up. And badly. She has no valid defense, so we are getting the bullying bluster instead. Unfortunately for her, she’s not charming with it.

  9. Stuart Munro 9

    Someone should do Judith the favour of explaining the Easter message to her – she’ll have to die before she can rise again.

    On the other hand, crucifying her all the way to the election, a double bill with Key’s scampi ad, should see both of them gone in September. NZ does not love or expect corruption.

    • greywarbler 9.1

      SM
      Got to be aware of the public’s predilection? to swing like a weathercock in the wind. Too much opprobrium and next thing there would be a campaign of emotional support for her against the ‘orrible lefties. Think of the Campaign for Rowling as an example of a political push that seemed quite clear and reasonable yet going wrong.

      • Stuart Munro 9.1.1

        Citizens for Rowling was personality driven – it was the author of its own demise. JC has graphically broken the rules, when the cabinet manual is drafted to proscribe even the appearance of ministerial partiality.

        I wouldn’t count on this crocodile’s tears winning her much sympathy.

        • North 9.1.1.1

          I do note though that on Herald online today a click on the tab “Should Collins resign as a minister ?”, presumably a facility for me to click ‘NO’ if that be my feeling, my vigorous clicking takes me nowhere. End of story.

          Have the powers that be at the Herald decided……’enough is enough…..’ ?

  10. Not a PS Staffer 10

    Collins’ husband is not “only a Director with no financial interest” as Collins continually says.

    He is a full time manager, possibly on $200k a year. Being also a Director he has a legal duty to care for the shareholder’s investment.

    Question for Parliament:
    Does your husband spend more than 20 hours a week on Oravida business!
    Does your husband spend more than 20 hours a week as an employee in any business other than Oravida ?
    Does your husband’s income from Oravida represent more than 25% of your family’s joint income?

    • felix 10.1

      I think I heard it mentioned in parliament that he is also a director of several other companies who do business with Oravida.

      The Collins’, along with the Keys, the Goodfellows and several other top level National Party people seem to be deeply entwined and financially interested in and around this network of companies.

      Oh and he’s been stealing our petrol for five and a half years.

    • Tracey 10.2

      no fee for being a director? ? if true there is a quid pro quo for him somewhere

  11. North 11

    http://www.nzherald.co.nz/politics/news/article.cfm?c_id=280&objectid=11240077

    Which means of course that the test for ‘human’ has been wickedly skewed !

    Much like when the old warhorse Muldoon, in tart response to barbs about a notable level of Kiwi emigration to Oz, spat back that the net result would be IQ gain on both sides of the Tasman.

    Oh for the halcyon days when the PM of whatever stripe was not a foreign stooge !

  12. Redzone 12

    This horror vida isn’t over yet for Collins -the more she try’s to deflect the deeper the hole. Predict if this goes on another few weeks after recess key won’t have any choice but to fire her to try and make this shitty mess disappear. Not before time. Call it karma. Next Keys interest and conflict with Oravida needs far greater exposure too.

  13. Ad 13

    God if only Labour had a couple more like her.

    She’s like Goff except with charm, boldness, chutzpah, aggression, connections, political hunger, and oh wait not like Goff at all.

    Labour needs a No. 4 better than her. Events are in the saddle and she’s ridin’.

  14. ianmac 14

    There must be something really really really serious to hide otherwise why else put herself through all this. I wonder why

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Protect seamounts and ban bottom trawling right now
    The Green Party is renewing its call for Minister for the Environment, David Parker to immediately ban bottom trawling on seamounts. ...
    5 hours ago
  • Building Auckland’s transport future
    We’re making sure Auckland has the infrastructure it needs for the future, so Aucklanders can get around safely and efficiently as our biggest city grows. The new, linked-up transport system we’re building will include partially tunnelled light rail between the CBD and the airport, as well as another Waitematā Harbour ...
    7 hours ago
  • Build Auckland light rail for benefit of everyone
    The Government’s decision on light rail in Auckland is the first step towards building the climate friendly, accessible city our communities deserve. ...
    7 hours ago
  • Put our most vulnerable first
    Don’t forget whānau and communities most at risk, says the Green Party, as the Government lays out its three-phase plan for Omicron. ...
    2 days ago
  • Boosting our immunity against Omicron
    With Omicron in the community, it’s vital we all do our bit to help to slow the spread, keep each other safe and protect our health system. One of the most important ways we can reduce the risk of Omicron is to get a booster dose as soon as we’re ...
    2 days ago
  • Equitable response to Omicron vital
    The Green Party supports the Government’s decision to move Aotearoa New Zealand to traffic light level Red at 11.59pm tonight, but says its success will depend on the support that is made available to the most vulnerable. ...
    5 days ago
  • How we’re preparing for Omicron
    As countries around the world experience Omicron outbreaks, we’re taking steps now to ensure we’re as prepared as possible and our communities are protected. ...
    1 week ago
  • What’s Labour achieved so far?
    Quite a bit! This Government was elected to take on the toughest issues facing Aotearoa – and that’s what we’re doing. Since the start of the pandemic, protecting lives and livelihoods has been a priority, but we’ve also made progress on long-term challenges, to deliver a future the next generation ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Tackling the big issues in 2022
    This year, keeping Kiwis safe from COVID will remain a key priority of the Government – but we’re also pushing ahead on some of New Zealand’s biggest long-term challenges. In 2022, we’re working to get more Kiwis into homes, reduce emissions, lift children out of poverty, and ensure people get ...
    2 weeks ago

  • Tupu Tai graduation-It’s time to step up
    Greetings: Kia orana, talofa lava, Noa’ia e mauri, malo e lelei, taloha ni, fakaalofa lahi atu, ni sa bula vinaka, talofa, kia ora, tena koutou katoa.  I would love to begin by acknowledging everyone here in attendance, especially the families and friends of the 2021/22 Tupu Tai cohort, and those ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 hours ago
  • Building and shaping a city: Future-proofing Auckland transport infrastructure
    The Government is bringing Auckland’s transport infrastructure into the future by moving forward with an additional Waitematā Harbour crossing, progressing light rail from Auckland’s CBD to the airport, and creating a linked-up rapid transport network as part of a 30-year plan. Key decisions on additional Waitematā Harbour crossing to be ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 hours ago
  • Penguin rehab and native forest restoration get helping hand
    A long-running penguin rehab facility which has been hard hit by the tourism downturn, and work to restore native forest habitats in the Catlins are being supported through Jobs for Nature funding, Conservation Minister Kiri Allan says. Otago’s Penguin Place and The Hokonui Rūnanga Catlins Biodiversity Project will receive combined ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Resilient economy reflected in Crown accounts
    The Government’s financial accounts continue to reflect a resilient economy that has performed better than expected and puts the country in a strong position to respond to Omicron, Grant Robertson said. The Crown Accounts for the five months to the end of November were more favourable than forecast in the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Government announces three phase public health response to Omicron
    Reducing isolation period for cases and close contacts at Phase Two and Three to 10 and seven days Definition of close contact required to isolate changes to household or household like contacts at Phase Three Increased use of rapid antigen tests with test to return policy put in place for ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • New Ambassador to Thailand announced
    Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta today announced the appointment of Jonathan Kings as New Zealand’s next Ambassador to Thailand. “Aotearoa New Zealand has a long-standing relationship with Thailand, celebrating the 65th anniversary of diplomatic representation between our countries in 2021. We also share much in common at regional and multilateral levels ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Government’s Family Package continues to deliver for New Zealanders
    The Families Package helped around 330,000 families in its first year - more than half of all families with children in NZ These families received an estimated $55 per week more from Families Package payments in 2018/19 than in 2017/18, on average Families Package increases to the maximum possible Accommodation ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • New Zealand retains top spot in global anti-corruption rankings
    Justice Minister Kris Faafoi has welcomed news of New Zealand’s ongoing position as top in the world anti-corruption rankings. The 2021 Corruption Perceptions Index released by global anti-corruption organisation, Transparency International, ranks New Zealand first equal with Denmark and Finland, with a score of 88 out of 100. “This is an ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Testing improvements see New Zealand well prepared for Omicron
    New Zealand’s PCR testing capacity can be increased by nearly 20,000 tests per day to deal with a surge in cases as part of our wider COVID-19 testing strategy, Associate Minister of Health Dr Ayesha Verrall said. “We have continued to adapt our public health response to safeguard the health ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • 5,000 portable air cleaners for schools on their way
    As schools are preparing to return, Education Minister Chris Hipkins has announced 5,000 air cleaners have been ordered for New Zealand schools. “As we know, along with vaccination, testing, good hygiene and physical distancing, good ventilation is important in minimising the risk of airborne transmission of the virus that causes ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • New Zealand to move to Red from 11.59pm today
    All of New Zealand will move to the Red setting of the Covid Protection Framework (CPF) at 11:59pm today as Omicron is potentially now transmitting in the community, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern says. “Nine COVID-19 cases reported yesterday in the Nelson/Marlborough region are now confirmed as Omicron, and a further ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Mandatory boosters for key workforces progressing well
    More than 5,785 (82%) border workers eligible for a booster vaccination at 6 months have received it so far, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins says. “That’s a really strong uptake considering we announced the requirement the week before Christmas, but we need to continue this momentum,” Chris Hipkins said. “We ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • NZ to move to Red
    Nine COVID-19 cases reported yesterday in the Nelson/Marlborough region have now been confirmed as the Omicron variant, and a further case from the same household was confirmed late yesterday. These cases are in a single family that flew to Auckland on 13 January to attend a wedding and other events ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • New Zealand to provide further help for Tonga
    Aotearoa New Zealand is giving an additional $2 million in humanitarian funding for Tonga as the country recovers from a volcanic eruption and tsunami last weekend, Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta and Defence Minister Peeni Henare said today. This brings Aotearoa New Zealand’s contribution to $3 million. “This support will ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Quarterly benefit numbers show highest number of exits into work
    The Government’s strong focus on supporting more people into work is reflected in benefit figures released today which show a year-on-year fall of around 21,300 people receiving a main benefit in the December 2021 quarter, Minister for Social Development and Employment Carmel Sepuloni said. “Our response to COVID has helped ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Northland to move to Orange, NZ prepared for Omicron 
    Northland to move to Orange Rest of New Zealand stays at Orange in preparedness for Omicron All of New Zealand to move into Red in the event of Omicron community outbreak – no use of lockdowns Govt planning well advanced – new case management, close contact definition and testing rules ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • RNZAF C-130 Hercules flight departs for Tonga as Navy vessels draw nearer to Tongatapu
    A Royal New Zealand Air Force C-130 Hercules has departed Base Auckland Whenuapai for Tonga carrying aid supplies, as the New Zealand aid effort ramps up, Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta and Defence Minister Peeni Henare said today. “The aircraft is carrying humanitarian aid and disaster relief supplies, including water ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • New Zealand prepared to send support to Tonga
    New Zealand is ready to assist Tonga in its recovery from Saturday night’s undersea eruption and tsunami, Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta and Defence Minister Peeni Henare said today. “Following the successful surveillance and reconnaissance flight of a New Zealand P-3K2 Orion on Monday, imagery and details have been sent ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Aotearoa New Zealand stands ready to assist people of Tonga
    The thoughts of New Zealanders are with the people of Tonga following yesterday’s undersea volcanic eruption and subsequent tsunami waves, Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta says. “Damage assessments are under way and New Zealand has formally offered to provide assistance to Tonga,” said Nanaia Mahuta. New Zealand has made an ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Record high of new homes consented continues
    In the year ended November 2021, 48,522 new homes were consented, up 26 per cent from the November 2020 year. In November 2021, 4,688 new dwellings were consented. Auckland’s new homes consented numbers rose 25 per cent in the last year. Annual figures for the last nine months show more ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Report trumpets scope for ice cream exports
    Latest research into our premium ice cream industry suggests exporters could find new buyers in valuable overseas markets as consumers increasingly look for tip top quality in food. Economic Development Minister Stuart Nash has released a new report for the Food and Beverage Information Project. The project is run by ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Honouring the legacy of legendary kaumātua Muriwai Ihakara
    Associate Minister for Arts, Culture, and Heritage Kiri Allan expressed her great sadness and deepest condolences at the passing of esteemed kaumātua, Muriwai Ihakara. “Muriwai’s passing is not only a loss for the wider creative sector but for all of Aotearoa New Zealand. The country has lost a much beloved ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Have your say on proposed changes to make drinking water safer
    Associate Minister for the Environment Kiri Allan is urging all New Zealanders to give feedback on proposed changes aimed at making drinking water safer. “The current regulations are not fit for purpose and don’t offer enough protection, particularly for those whose water comes from smaller supplies,” Kiri Allan said. “This ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • Planting the seeds for rewarding careers
    A boost in funding for a number of Jobs for Nature initiatives across Canterbury will provide sustainable employment opportunities for more than 70 people, Conservation Minister Kiri Allan says. “The six projects are diverse, ranging from establishing coastline trapping in Kaikōura, to setting up a native plant nursery, restoration planting ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago