ImperatorFish: Labour Blamed For Robot Army Attack

Written By: - Date published: 2:13 pm, October 20th, 2012 - 13 comments
Categories: david shearer, john key, labour, national, Steven Joyce - Tags:

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

Questions were again raised about the leadership of David Shearer today, after a giant robot army descended from the skies and laid waste to most of the North Island.

As the horde of killer machines spread fire and death in all directions, there was no news from the Labour Party leader about how he would deal with the crisis.

Critics of Labour say that Shearer’s inaction is further evidence that he is unfit to lead the party.

It was initially thought that Shearer had been killed in the robot assault, along with many of his caucus members.

But a message from the Labour leader was smuggled to Radio New Zealand and read on-air, shortly before a vast six-legged metallic war machine smashed the public broadcaster’s Wellington studio to smithereens with one strike of its huge steel fist.

“People of New Zealand unite! We will fight this robot invader to the very last drop of our blood!” the message read.

Minister for Business, Innovation and Employment, Steven Joyce, took aim at David Shearer’s party, after it was revealed that Labour’s defence policy did not include plans for the building of a super cyber-bomb that would disable all robot soldiers, rendering them helpless.

“Once again Labour stands in the way of progress,” Mr Joyce said. “Labour claims to have a credible plan for the nation’s future, so why no cyber-bomb?”

Mr Joyce rejected criticism of National’s own lack of action, saying that plans for a cyber-bomb had not been advanced because of the likelihood of public opposition to the spending of hundreds of billions of dollars, fuelled by “negative and destructive opposition tactics.”

Bloggers have also rounded on Mr Shearer, with a number of them pointing out that Labour had nine years under Helen Clark to develop a range of lethal super-weapons.

“This robot army is further proof that Labour isn’t fit to govern,” wrote Whaleoil’s Cameron Slater, shortly before he was incinerated by a robotic death-ray.

David Farrar wrote on his blog Kiwiblog “Shearer’s resistance to this invasion is utterly futile, and will end in death for everyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was rolled by someone willing to negotiate with the enemy.”

The lack of action by Labour front-bench members during the crisis has also been noted by commentators, although this may be due to many of them perishing in the hell inferno that is Auckland Central.

The robot army is now believed to be north of Wellington. Prime Minister John Key is currently in the United States, and he told reporters he was relaxed about what was happening.

“It’s not ideal, but in many ways the destruction of so much life and property makes our job a lot easier” said Mr Key.

“We’ll have new overlords, who will bring some new thinking to the way we handle some of our most pressing problems.

“They’re also well-resourced. Unlike our opponents, we welcome foreign capital and foreign investment.”

Mr Key said the robot reign of terror would assist the government to get spending back under control.

“With instant death being administered to anyone who steps out of line or raises their voice, we can close down a lot of our prisons and wind up some of our expensive social services,” said Mr Key.

“I’m assuming, naturally, that the machines don’t decide to just wipe out the human race, and that at least a few ragged survivors will be permitted to toil in misery as their slaves.

“That sense of hope makes me an optimist, unlike my opponent, who engages in negative tactics, refuses to face reality, and insists on fighting to the last.”

Update (three weeks later): Labour leader David Shearer is facing further criticism, after members of his resistance army were filmed sleeping.

Shearer promised last week that he and his resistance forces would “never rest until the very last robot is gone from our land.”

Although the heroic efforts of Shearer’s army have led to the destruction of most of the robots, the footage of his men resting while some enemy forces remain at large is highly embarrassing.

“My men were exhausted and were were resting after fighting robots for two days straight,” Shearer said upon being confronted with the pictures.

He refused to accept that he had broken a promise to the people of New Zealand.

“That’s textbook Labour for you,” said Steven Joyce, sitting in the comfort of the robot army’s headquarters. “They say one thing and then do the exact opposite.”

Unit K-457A, the current operator of the popular site Kiwiblog, after its former owner David Farrar was disestablished, wrote “The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. Message ends.”

Update (four weeks later):  Labour leader David Shearer is under pressure to step down, after defeating the robot army’s leader, General Unit XDR-7357-AA in bloody hand-to hand combat and bringing an end to the robot wars.

Prime Minister John Key, who is still in Hollywood eating, said that Shearer’s stubborn refusal to give up against all odds had caused incalculable damage to the economy.

“If we had just all surrendered, I remain convinced that the robots would have spared many of us. Instead we are a nation in ruins, and all because of Labour.”

Steven Joyce, who has now fled with the remnant of the robot army into space, said “this just proves that Labour is stuck in a timewarp, while National gets on with growing the economy. While David Shearer was engaging in his negative attacks, I was busy negotiating a number of lucrative commercial radio deals throughout the galaxy, thanks to my new friends.

“The robots’ demand for our minerals and other resources also proves what we have been saying all along: that mining remains a big part of our future. This invasion shows that there is ready demand throughout the galaxy for our resources.”

“Now those plans are ruined, and I’m a fugitive. How can Labour claim to be the party of progress, when so much many of us who collaborated with the robots have to flee for our lives?

“How is this fair? I thought Labour was meant to be all about fairness.

“This victory against all odds against an evil menace just proves that Labour has nothing to offer New Zealand.”

13 comments on “ImperatorFish: Labour Blamed For Robot Army Attack ”

  1. McFlock 1

    lol
         
    although tories might need the “satire” tag added… 

  2. This historical piece should be required reading for all students.

    Long live Aoteoroa M8s! 🙂

  3. seeker 3

    Exquisite I.F.Definitely ‘ai’ !

  4. …you omitted to mention Key&co invited them in; hardly an invasion.

    (I accept that when Key was asked whether he had invited this robot army in or not he simply stated he wasn’t in a position to tell, didn’t know, couldn’t remember, yet let us cut to the quick, these statements in short-and translated = Yes)

  5. Phil 5

    Heavy handed satire does not make up for lack of action when action is not only
    warranted but easily available.
    Truth is, we gave Shearer a mandate, against all better judgement, only because we thought he was able to handle it based on his history, oh and some misguided media driven desire to be Helen less. He has proved less than up to it, failing on most counts, missing easy punches and looking less than fit for the fight. Bring on Jacinda, this nice guy image is almost a replica of early Key, but without the ruthless knock out blow.
    Seriously, can we win with Shearer? I wish we could, I believe he is a truly decent man, but no, do it now and do it cleanly.

  6. Hanswurst 6

    I normally find these pieces a bit forced and fairly ho-hum, but this one is really very good.

  7. Stephen Doyle 7

    And a real explanation of John Key’s memory lapses.
    http://www.imperatorfish.com/

  8. Jenny 8

    Now who says politics is boring…

    Judge Rico

  9. Rogue Trooper 9

    Jacinda: not so much

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Anzac Commemorative Address, Buttes New British Cemetery Belgium
    Ambassador Millar, Burgemeester, Vandepitte, Excellencies, military representatives, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen – good morning and welcome to this sacred Anzac Day dawn service.  It is an honour to be here on behalf of the Government and people of New Zealand at Buttes New British Cemetery, Polygon Wood – a deeply ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    9 hours ago
  • Anzac Commemorative Address – NZ National Service, Chunuk Bair
    Distinguished guests -   It is an honour to return once again to this site which, as the resting place for so many of our war-dead, has become a sacred place for generations of New Zealanders.   Our presence here and at the other special spaces of Gallipoli is made ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Anzac Commemorative Address – Dawn Service, Gallipoli, Türkiye
    Mai ia tawhiti pamamao, te moana nui a Kiwa, kua tae whakaiti mai matou, ki to koutou papa whenua. No koutou te tapuwae, no matou te tapuwae, kua honoa pumautia.   Ko nga toa kua hinga nei, o te Waipounamu, o te Ika a Maui, he okioki tahi me o ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • PM announces changes to portfolios
    Paul Goldsmith will take on responsibility for the Media and Communications portfolio, while Louise Upston will pick up the Disability Issues portfolio, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon announced today. “Our Government is relentlessly focused on getting New Zealand back on track. As issues change in prominence, I plan to adjust Ministerial ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • New catch limits for unique fishery areas
    Recreational catch limits will be reduced in areas of Fiordland and the Chatham Islands to help keep those fisheries healthy and sustainable, Oceans and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones says. The lower recreational daily catch limits for a range of finfish and shellfish species caught in the Fiordland Marine Area and ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Minister welcomes hydrogen milestone
    Energy Minister Simeon Brown has welcomed an important milestone in New Zealand’s hydrogen future, with the opening of the country’s first network of hydrogen refuelling stations in Wiri. “I want to congratulate the team at Hiringa Energy and its partners K one W one (K1W1), Mitsui & Co New Zealand ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Urgent changes to system through first RMA Amendment Bill
    The coalition Government is delivering on its commitment to improve resource management laws and give greater certainty to consent applicants, with a Bill to amend the Resource Management Act (RMA) expected to be introduced to Parliament next month. RMA Reform Minister Chris Bishop has today outlined the first RMA Amendment ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Overseas decommissioning models considered
    Overseas models for regulating the oil and gas sector, including their decommissioning regimes, are being carefully scrutinised as a potential template for New Zealand’s own sector, Resources Minister Shane Jones says. The Coalition Government is focused on rebuilding investor confidence in New Zealand’s energy sector as it looks to strengthen ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Release of North Island Severe Weather Event Inquiry
    Emergency Management and Recovery Minister Mark Mitchell has today released the Report of the Government Inquiry into the response to the North Island Severe Weather Events. “The report shows that New Zealand’s emergency management system is not fit-for-purpose and there are some significant gaps we need to address,” Mr Mitchell ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Justice Minister to attend Human Rights Council
    Justice Minister Paul Goldsmith is today travelling to Europe where he’ll update the United Nations Human Rights Council on the Government’s work to restore law and order.  “Attending the Universal Periodic Review in Geneva provides us with an opportunity to present New Zealand’s human rights progress, priorities, and challenges, while ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Patterson reopens world’s largest wool scouring facility
    Associate Agriculture Minister, Mark Patterson, formally reopened the world’s largest wool processing facility today in Awatoto, Napier, following a $50 million rebuild and refurbishment project. “The reopening of this facility will significantly lift the economic opportunities available to New Zealand’s wool sector, which already accounts for 20 per cent of ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Speech to the Southland Otago Regional Engineering Collective Summit, 18 April 2024
    Hon Andrew Bayly, Minister for Small Business and Manufacturing  At the Southland Otago Regional Engineering Collective (SOREC) Summit, 18 April, Dunedin    Ngā mihi nui, Ko Andrew Bayly aho, Ko Whanganui aho    Good Afternoon and thank you for inviting me to open your summit today.    I am delighted ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Government to introduce revised Three Strikes law
    The Government is delivering on its commitment to bring back the Three Strikes legislation, Associate Justice Minister Nicole McKee announced today. “Our Government is committed to restoring law and order and enforcing appropriate consequences on criminals. We are making it clear that repeat serious violent or sexual offending is not ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • New diplomatic appointments
    Foreign Minister Winston Peters has today announced four new diplomatic appointments for New Zealand’s overseas missions.   “Our diplomats have a vital role in maintaining and protecting New Zealand’s interests around the world,” Mr Peters says.    “I am pleased to announce the appointment of these senior diplomats from the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Humanitarian support for Ethiopia and Somalia
    New Zealand is contributing NZ$7 million to support communities affected by severe food insecurity and other urgent humanitarian needs in Ethiopia and Somalia, Foreign Minister Rt Hon Winston Peters announced today.   “Over 21 million people are in need of humanitarian assistance across Ethiopia, with a further 6.9 million people ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Arts Minister congratulates Mataaho Collective
    Minister for Arts, Culture and Heritage Paul Goldsmith is congratulating Mataaho Collective for winning the Golden Lion for best participant in the main exhibition at the Venice Biennale. "Congratulations to the Mataaho Collective for winning one of the world's most prestigious art prizes at the Venice Biennale.  “It is good ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Supporting better financial outcomes for Kiwis
    The Government is reforming financial services to improve access to home loans and other lending, and strengthen customer protections, Commerce and Consumer Affairs Minister Andrew Bayly and Housing Minister Chris Bishop announced today. “Our coalition Government is committed to rebuilding the economy and making life simpler by cutting red tape. We are ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • Trade relationship with China remains strong
    “China remains a strong commercial opportunity for Kiwi exporters as Chinese businesses and consumers continue to value our high-quality safe produce,” Trade and Agriculture Minister Todd McClay says.   Mr McClay has returned to New Zealand following visits to Beijing, Harbin and Shanghai where he met ministers, governors and mayors and engaged in trade and agricultural events with the New ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    6 days ago
  • PM’s South East Asia mission does the business
    Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has completed a successful trip to Singapore, Thailand and the Philippines, deepening relationships and capitalising on opportunities. Mr Luxon was accompanied by a business delegation and says the choice of countries represents the priority the New Zealand Government places on South East Asia, and our relationships in ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • $41m to support clean energy in South East Asia
    New Zealand is demonstrating its commitment to reducing global greenhouse emissions, and supporting clean energy transition in South East Asia, through a contribution of NZ$41 million (US$25 million) in climate finance to the Asian Development Bank (ADB)-led Energy Transition Mechanism (ETM). Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and Climate Change Minister Simon Watts announced ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Minister releases Fast-track stakeholder list
    The Government is today releasing a list of organisations who received letters about the Fast-track applications process, says RMA Reform Minister Chris Bishop. “Recently Ministers and agencies have received a series of OIA requests for a list of organisations to whom I wrote with information on applying to have a ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Judicial appointments announced
    Attorney-General Judith Collins today announced the appointment of Wellington Barrister David Jonathan Boldt as a Judge of the High Court, and the Honourable Justice Matthew Palmer as a Judge of the Court of Appeal. Justice Boldt graduated with an LLB from Victoria University of Wellington in 1990, and also holds ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Education Minister heads to major teaching summit in Singapore
    Education Minister Erica Stanford will lead the New Zealand delegation at the 2024 International Summit on the Teaching Profession (ISTP) held in Singapore. The delegation includes representatives from the Post Primary Teachers’ Association (PPTA) Te Wehengarua and the New Zealand Educational Institute (NZEI) Te Riu Roa.  The summit is co-hosted ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Value of stopbank project proven during cyclone
    A stopbank upgrade project in Tairawhiti partly funded by the Government has increased flood resilience for around 7000ha of residential and horticultural land so far, Regional Development Minister Shane Jones says. Mr Jones today attended a dawn service in Gisborne to mark the end of the first stage of the ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Anzac commemorations, Türkiye relationship focus of visit
    Foreign Affairs Minister Winston Peters will represent the Government at Anzac Day commemorations on the Gallipoli Peninsula next week and engage with senior representatives of the Turkish government in Istanbul.    “The Gallipoli campaign is a defining event in our history. It will be a privilege to share the occasion ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Minister to Europe for OECD meeting, Anzac Day
    Science, Innovation and Technology and Defence Minister Judith Collins will next week attend the OECD Science and Technology Ministerial conference in Paris and Anzac Day commemorations in Belgium. “Science, innovation and technology have a major role to play in rebuilding our economy and achieving better health, environmental and social outcomes ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Comprehensive Partnership the goal for NZ and the Philippines
    Prime Minister Christopher Luxon held a bilateral meeting today with the President of the Philippines, Ferdinand Marcos Jr.  The Prime Minister was accompanied by MP Paulo Garcia, the first Filipino to be elected to a legislature outside the Philippines. During today’s meeting, Prime Minister Luxon and President Marcos Jr discussed opportunities to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Government commits $20m to Westport flood protection
    The Government has announced that $20 million in funding will be made available to Westport to fund much needed flood protection around the town. This measure will significantly improve the resilience of the community, says Local Government Minister Simeon Brown. “The Westport community has already been allocated almost $3 million ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Taupō takes pole position
    The Government is proud to support the first ever Repco Supercars Championship event in Taupō as up to 70,000 motorsport fans attend the Taupō International Motorsport Park this weekend, says Economic Development Minister Melissa Lee. “Anticipation for the ITM Taupō Super400 is huge, with tickets and accommodation selling out weeks ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Cost of living support for low-income homeowners
    Local Government Minister Simeon Brown has announced an increase to the Rates Rebate Scheme, putting money back into the pockets of low-income homeowners.  “The coalition Government is committed to bringing down the cost of living for New Zealanders. That includes targeted support for those Kiwis who are doing things tough, such ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Government backing mussel spat project
    The Coalition Government is investing in a project to boost survival rates of New Zealand mussels and grow the industry, Oceans and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones has announced. “This project seeks to increase the resilience of our mussels and significantly boost the sector’s productivity,” Mr Jones says. “The project - ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Government focused on getting people into work
    Benefit figures released today underscore the importance of the Government’s plan to rebuild the economy and have 50,000 fewer people on Jobseeker Support, Social Development and Employment Minister Louise Upston says. “Benefit numbers are still significantly higher than when National was last in government, when there was about 70,000 fewer ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Clean energy key driver to reducing emissions
    The Government’s commitment to doubling New Zealand’s renewable energy capacity is backed by new data showing that clean energy has helped the country reach its lowest annual gross emissions since 1999, Climate Change Minister Simon Watts says. New Zealand’s latest Greenhouse Gas Inventory (1990-2022) published today, shows gross emissions fell ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Earthquake-prone buildings review brought forward
    The Government is bringing the earthquake-prone building review forward, with work to start immediately, and extending the deadline for remediations by four years, Building and Construction Minister Chris Penk says. “Our Government is focused on rebuilding the economy. A key part of our plan is to cut red tape that ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Thailand and NZ to agree to Strategic Partnership
    Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and his Thai counterpart, Prime Minister Srettha Thavisin, have today agreed that New Zealand and the Kingdom of Thailand will upgrade the bilateral relationship to a Strategic Partnership by 2026. “New Zealand and Thailand have a lot to offer each other. We have a strong mutual desire to build ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Government consults on extending coastal permits for ports
    RMA Reform Minister Chris Bishop and Transport Minister Simeon Brown have today announced the Coalition Government’s intention to extend port coastal permits for a further 20 years, providing port operators with certainty to continue their operations. “The introduction of the Resource Management Act in 1991 required ports to obtain coastal ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Inflation coming down, but more work to do
    Today’s announcement that inflation is down to 4 per cent is encouraging news for Kiwis, but there is more work to be done - underlining the importance of the Government’s plan to get the economy back on track, acting Finance Minister Chris Bishop says. “Inflation is now at 4 per ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • School attendance restored as a priority in health advice
    Refreshed health guidance released today will help parents and schools make informed decisions about whether their child needs to be in school, addressing one of the key issues affecting school attendance, says Associate Education Minister David Seymour. In recent years, consistently across all school terms, short-term illness or medical reasons ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Unnecessary bureaucracy cut in oceans sector
    Oceans and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones is streamlining high-level oceans management while maintaining a focus on supporting the sector’s role in the export-led recovery of the economy. “I am working to realise the untapped potential of our fishing and aquaculture sector. To achieve that we need to be smarter with ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Opinion: It’s time for an arts and creative sector strategy
    I was initially resistant to the idea often suggested to me that the Government should deliver an arts strategy. The whole point of the arts and creativity is that people should do whatever the hell they want, unbound by the dictates of politicians in Wellington. Peter Jackson, Kiri Te Kanawa, Eleanor ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago

Page generated in The Standard by Wordpress at 2024-04-26T11:33:21+00:00