ImperatorFish: Labour Blamed For Robot Army Attack

Written By: - Date published: 2:13 pm, October 20th, 2012 - 13 comments
Categories: david shearer, john key, labour, national, Steven Joyce - Tags:

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here.

Questions were again raised about the leadership of David Shearer today, after a giant robot army descended from the skies and laid waste to most of the North Island.

As the horde of killer machines spread fire and death in all directions, there was no news from the Labour Party leader about how he would deal with the crisis.

Critics of Labour say that Shearer’s inaction is further evidence that he is unfit to lead the party.

It was initially thought that Shearer had been killed in the robot assault, along with many of his caucus members.

But a message from the Labour leader was smuggled to Radio New Zealand and read on-air, shortly before a vast six-legged metallic war machine smashed the public broadcaster’s Wellington studio to smithereens with one strike of its huge steel fist.

“People of New Zealand unite! We will fight this robot invader to the very last drop of our blood!” the message read.

Minister for Business, Innovation and Employment, Steven Joyce, took aim at David Shearer’s party, after it was revealed that Labour’s defence policy did not include plans for the building of a super cyber-bomb that would disable all robot soldiers, rendering them helpless.

“Once again Labour stands in the way of progress,” Mr Joyce said. “Labour claims to have a credible plan for the nation’s future, so why no cyber-bomb?”

Mr Joyce rejected criticism of National’s own lack of action, saying that plans for a cyber-bomb had not been advanced because of the likelihood of public opposition to the spending of hundreds of billions of dollars, fuelled by “negative and destructive opposition tactics.”

Bloggers have also rounded on Mr Shearer, with a number of them pointing out that Labour had nine years under Helen Clark to develop a range of lethal super-weapons.

“This robot army is further proof that Labour isn’t fit to govern,” wrote Whaleoil’s Cameron Slater, shortly before he was incinerated by a robotic death-ray.

David Farrar wrote on his blog Kiwiblog “Shearer’s resistance to this invasion is utterly futile, and will end in death for everyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was rolled by someone willing to negotiate with the enemy.”

The lack of action by Labour front-bench members during the crisis has also been noted by commentators, although this may be due to many of them perishing in the hell inferno that is Auckland Central.

The robot army is now believed to be north of Wellington. Prime Minister John Key is currently in the United States, and he told reporters he was relaxed about what was happening.

“It’s not ideal, but in many ways the destruction of so much life and property makes our job a lot easier” said Mr Key.

“We’ll have new overlords, who will bring some new thinking to the way we handle some of our most pressing problems.

“They’re also well-resourced. Unlike our opponents, we welcome foreign capital and foreign investment.”

Mr Key said the robot reign of terror would assist the government to get spending back under control.

“With instant death being administered to anyone who steps out of line or raises their voice, we can close down a lot of our prisons and wind up some of our expensive social services,” said Mr Key.

“I’m assuming, naturally, that the machines don’t decide to just wipe out the human race, and that at least a few ragged survivors will be permitted to toil in misery as their slaves.

“That sense of hope makes me an optimist, unlike my opponent, who engages in negative tactics, refuses to face reality, and insists on fighting to the last.”

Update (three weeks later): Labour leader David Shearer is facing further criticism, after members of his resistance army were filmed sleeping.

Shearer promised last week that he and his resistance forces would “never rest until the very last robot is gone from our land.”

Although the heroic efforts of Shearer’s army have led to the destruction of most of the robots, the footage of his men resting while some enemy forces remain at large is highly embarrassing.

“My men were exhausted and were were resting after fighting robots for two days straight,” Shearer said upon being confronted with the pictures.

He refused to accept that he had broken a promise to the people of New Zealand.

“That’s textbook Labour for you,” said Steven Joyce, sitting in the comfort of the robot army’s headquarters. “They say one thing and then do the exact opposite.”

Unit K-457A, the current operator of the popular site Kiwiblog, after its former owner David Farrar was disestablished, wrote “The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. The human known as Shearer must be terminated. Message ends.”

Update (four weeks later):  Labour leader David Shearer is under pressure to step down, after defeating the robot army’s leader, General Unit XDR-7357-AA in bloody hand-to hand combat and bringing an end to the robot wars.

Prime Minister John Key, who is still in Hollywood eating, said that Shearer’s stubborn refusal to give up against all odds had caused incalculable damage to the economy.

“If we had just all surrendered, I remain convinced that the robots would have spared many of us. Instead we are a nation in ruins, and all because of Labour.”

Steven Joyce, who has now fled with the remnant of the robot army into space, said “this just proves that Labour is stuck in a timewarp, while National gets on with growing the economy. While David Shearer was engaging in his negative attacks, I was busy negotiating a number of lucrative commercial radio deals throughout the galaxy, thanks to my new friends.

“The robots’ demand for our minerals and other resources also proves what we have been saying all along: that mining remains a big part of our future. This invasion shows that there is ready demand throughout the galaxy for our resources.”

“Now those plans are ruined, and I’m a fugitive. How can Labour claim to be the party of progress, when so much many of us who collaborated with the robots have to flee for our lives?

“How is this fair? I thought Labour was meant to be all about fairness.

“This victory against all odds against an evil menace just proves that Labour has nothing to offer New Zealand.”

13 comments on “ImperatorFish: Labour Blamed For Robot Army Attack”

  1. McFlock 1

    although tories might need the “satire” tag added… 

  2. This historical piece should be required reading for all students.

    Long live Aoteoroa M8s! 🙂

  3. seeker 3

    Exquisite I.F.Definitely ‘ai’ !

  4. …you omitted to mention Key&co invited them in; hardly an invasion.

    (I accept that when Key was asked whether he had invited this robot army in or not he simply stated he wasn’t in a position to tell, didn’t know, couldn’t remember, yet let us cut to the quick, these statements in short-and translated = Yes)

  5. Phil 5

    Heavy handed satire does not make up for lack of action when action is not only
    warranted but easily available.
    Truth is, we gave Shearer a mandate, against all better judgement, only because we thought he was able to handle it based on his history, oh and some misguided media driven desire to be Helen less. He has proved less than up to it, failing on most counts, missing easy punches and looking less than fit for the fight. Bring on Jacinda, this nice guy image is almost a replica of early Key, but without the ruthless knock out blow.
    Seriously, can we win with Shearer? I wish we could, I believe he is a truly decent man, but no, do it now and do it cleanly.

  6. Hanswurst 6

    I normally find these pieces a bit forced and fairly ho-hum, but this one is really very good.

  7. Stephen Doyle 7

    And a real explanation of John Key’s memory lapses.

  8. Jenny 8

    Now who says politics is boring…

    Judge Rico

  9. Rogue Trooper 9

    Jacinda: not so much

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