Finance Minister Bill English today announced tax cuts worth $340,000* for National MPs on their Parliamentary salaries alone.
“I’m very pleased we could announce this gift, ah, fair alteration of the tax system. There was a real danger that New Zealand could have lost the services of such valuable, highly-skilled workers as Paula Bennett, Kanwaljit Singh Bakshi, Anne Tolley, Nick Smith, Paul Quinn, and Melissa Lee if we hadn’t taken $340,000 out of working Kiwis’ pockets and doled it to our MPs at an average of $6,000 a piece.”
“And don’t forget John. He’s got countries lining up round the block wanting him to be their PM. I reckon the extra $13,000 a year should keep him from straying though.”
Added the Finance Minister with a faraway look in his eye “You know, there are times when I feel like just buggering off. Go to live in Samoa or something. Keep the farm in Dipton for appearances but, f#ck man, after a life in Southland and Wellington, I just want to spend some time in the sun” before shaking his head and concluding “but, we don’t need to worry about that any more. An extra $9,000 a year is just what I needed to make me want to stay and buckle down to some hard work”
Wearing a new Versace suit, gold Rolex, and a barely suppressed smirk Prime Minister John Key added “Look, it’s important to release this isn’t just a hand out for ourselves and our rich buddies. It’s all about .. um… growth, yeah that’s right, growth.”
“Don’t be jealous of me taking your money. Don’t hate the player, hate the game”
The Government was also keen to point out that the money they’re taking our of your pockets and putting in theirs would soon be spent, boosting the economy (which wouldn’t have happened if you had spent it). National MPs are already planning to spend the extra wealth they will gain for doing the same job. David Bennett said he was going to invest in a slingshot and a bag of $1 coins for “motivating the poor”. Asked whether he intended to shoot the coins to the poor or at them, Bennett replied “which do you think?”
*(Marty actually worked it out! 12.5% rate to 10%, 21% to 19%, 33% to 30%, 38% to 33%, and GST as % of income 4.4% to 5.2% for top decile earners. 1 PM, 1 Deputy, 18 Cabinet Ministers, 3 Ministers Outside Cabinet, 1 Speaker, 1 Deputy Speaker, 1 Chief Whip, 1 Junior Whip, 12 Select Committee Chairs, 8 Deputy Chairs, 11 Ordinary Members. Pay grades here)