web analytics

ImperatorFish: Judith Collins explains

Written By: - Date published: 8:14 am, April 18th, 2014 - 30 comments
Categories: Judith Collins, Satire - Tags:

Iimperator fish logomperatorFish generously allows us to repost some of his posts. It was impossible to resist this satire.

I can’t believe I’m having to explain myself yet again. Didn’t I already provide a perfectly clear explanation?

These allegations are disgusting and outrageous. How could anyone for a moment think I did something wrong?

All I did was attend a dinner with bosses of a company having trouble with Chinese border officials, a dinner that a Chinese border official coincidentally attended.  So what? So what if Oravida and its owner Stone Shi donate heavily to the National Party, and my husband is also involved with the company? What possible motive could I have to help Oravida? What possible conflict could arise in such a situation?

The presence of a Chinese border official at a dinner I was attending with the owner of a company having trouble with Chinese border officials, is entirely irrelevant. In my role as MP and government minister I attend a lot of meals, and I often find myself seated next to Chinese border officials. I see Chinese border officials almost everywhere I go, and it’s got to the stage where I hardly notice them anymore.

I’ll give you an example. Just last week I took my husband out for a quiet romantic dinner at a restaurant in my local electorate, and when we got to our table we found a Chinese border official already sitting there. He looked at the wine list and ate some of the bread we ordered as a starter, but didn’t say a word. I couldn’t even tell you what he looked like, because it didn’t seem important. It’s really no big deal.

We came home to find another Chinese border official sitting in the lounge, sifting through my pile of House and Garden magazines. He had helped himself to our tea but was otherwise minding his own business, so we left him there. I made up the spare bed for him, but he left of his own accord after we’d turned in for the night.

On my flight to Wellington on Monday morning I was seated next to a Chinese border official. I could tell what he did for a living because he had a badge on saying “Chinese border official,” which is lucky, otherwise I’d have assumed he was just another Chinese businessman in a suit. It even turned out that the pilot was a Chinese border official. These people are everywhere, so it would have been an enormous surprise if one of them hadn’t been at my dinner with Oravida.

Did I speak to the Chinese border official during my dinner with Oravida? Of course I didn’t! Why would I? What would I have to say to such an uninteresting and ubiquitous class of person?

Actually, come to think of it, I may have spoken to the gentleman. I remember now that at the very beginning of the dinner I stood over him and said “now listen here, you Chinese official type person, I have nothing to say to you. And I won’t be having any of your talk, so button your lip!” And then I gave him The Stare. I think you know The Stare. It’s what I’m about to give you very shortly if you don’t stop with all these questions.

Judith Collins no cluedoAnd that was that. No, how could I possibly know why the Chinese border official was at the dinner? What possible reason could Oravida have for greasing up to such a person? Oh, Oravida was having problems with Chinese border officials, you say? I didn’t know that at the time, did I? Yes, I’m aware now that Oravida was lobbying ministers to intervene, but just because I happen to be a personal friend of Stone Shi, the owner of the company, that doesn’t mean he would have approached me for assistance in the matter. No, I just can’t imagine him ever doing that.

But let me be clear that if it does turn out that Stone Shi asked me to intervene on Oravida’s behalf, that doesn’t mean there was anything unusual or sinister in my having dinner with a Chinese border official. If Mr Shi did mention Oravida’s problems, then I’m sure I forgot about them immediately afterwards. I’m an extremely busy woman, and I can’t be expected to remember every single thing people tell me. Surely if John Banks can lose a helicopter ride, I can be allowed to forget this one little thing.

I’m confident that my presence at the dinner was in no way an attempt by Oravida to impress or intimidate the Chinese border official by wheeling out pliant New Zealand government ministers. I can’t imagine that sort of thing would ever happen in China. Surely that’s not how business is done there.

So enough of this rubbish and nonsense about Oravida. Why don’t you ask me questions about more important things? I have a wide range of other ministerial responsibilities, and there are lots of exciting things happening in my other portfolios.

What’s that? You want to talk about ACC privacy breaches? In that case, does anyone else have anything they’d like to ask me about Oravida?

30 comments on “ImperatorFish: Judith Collins explains”

  1. Philj 1

    xox
    Have you thought about politics as a career, Imperator?

  2. Macro 2

    Just as well I had finished my coffee! 🙂

    • Red Rosa 2.1

      +1

    • lprent 2.2

      I know what you mean.

      I was croaking it out to Lyn earlier through a bit of a damn throat cold, and having laughter problems as I read through the bits about wayward chinese customs officials turning up everywhere to be ignored or stared at…

      Good thing that I’d already had the coffee…

      • Anne 2.2.1

        Reminded me of Tom Scott’s cartoon back in the Muldoon era. He was tucked up in his little bed (frightened and alone) while Russian spies, bedecked in tunics and boots, were hanging from the light bulb cord, squashed under the bed, climbing in the window and peering out of the wardrobe cupboard.

    • Ake Ake Ake 2.3

      Waahaa.
      Also, a very appropriate pic. It should be put alongside other pictures in a series called “The Many Faces of National’s Corruption and Lies”.

    • Tracey 2.4

      great stuff

  3. greywarbler 3

    “Judith can’t believe she has to explain this all again”
    Are you lot stupid or what, Judith looks irritable, taps her foot.

    Yes, stupid to want our pollies to be thinking of what they can do to get the country running well and sustainably for the benefit of us all. Not filling in time while you make useful business connections for your own benefit Judith.

    Pansy got tossed out of the flower bed. So should you. Grow your family business interests in your own time, under your own steam. Put your energy into your job, serving us. (Hollow cynical, maniacal laughter echoes on for days and months. Until the election.)

  4. Rogue Trooper 4

    true to type.

    • greywarbler 4.1

      Hi Rogue wondering about you this morning. See you ’round.

      • Rogue Trooper 4.1.1

        slingshot, just waiting for Chorus to do their bit, and we can return to our fire-side chats gw. Been a lengthy sabbatical, a busman’s holiday if you will, read some books and sparred with the summer haze.

  5. tricledrown 5

    Colins learning the art of lying for tilt at leaders job.

  6. ffloyd 6

    I read somewhere that because of all the pressure she has been under she said she has been ‘humanised’ Apparently she was not ‘human’ before.

  7. Chooky 7

    like her pearls….Judith could be quite attractive if she smiled more

  8. RedLogix 8

    It’s black humour, but depressing all the same. Collins has a history of arrogantly re-writing the rules to suit herself.

    But let’s be clear on one thing. If a left-wing pollie even looks like they’ve put a foot wrong, these righties are up it like the proverbial rat and drainpipe. They know perfectly well what a conflict of interest really is, and what corrupt conduct is. In general right wingers are very rule driven creatures – and particularly possessed by the letter of the law.

    There are no fine interpretations here; Collins knows perfectly well she’s fucked up. And badly. She has no valid defense, so we are getting the bullying bluster instead. Unfortunately for her, she’s not charming with it.

  9. Stuart Munro 9

    Someone should do Judith the favour of explaining the Easter message to her – she’ll have to die before she can rise again.

    On the other hand, crucifying her all the way to the election, a double bill with Key’s scampi ad, should see both of them gone in September. NZ does not love or expect corruption.

    • greywarbler 9.1

      SM
      Got to be aware of the public’s predilection? to swing like a weathercock in the wind. Too much opprobrium and next thing there would be a campaign of emotional support for her against the ‘orrible lefties. Think of the Campaign for Rowling as an example of a political push that seemed quite clear and reasonable yet going wrong.

      • Stuart Munro 9.1.1

        Citizens for Rowling was personality driven – it was the author of its own demise. JC has graphically broken the rules, when the cabinet manual is drafted to proscribe even the appearance of ministerial partiality.

        I wouldn’t count on this crocodile’s tears winning her much sympathy.

        • North 9.1.1.1

          I do note though that on Herald online today a click on the tab “Should Collins resign as a minister ?”, presumably a facility for me to click ‘NO’ if that be my feeling, my vigorous clicking takes me nowhere. End of story.

          Have the powers that be at the Herald decided……’enough is enough…..’ ?

  10. Not a PS Staffer 10

    Collins’ husband is not “only a Director with no financial interest” as Collins continually says.

    He is a full time manager, possibly on $200k a year. Being also a Director he has a legal duty to care for the shareholder’s investment.

    Question for Parliament:
    Does your husband spend more than 20 hours a week on Oravida business!
    Does your husband spend more than 20 hours a week as an employee in any business other than Oravida ?
    Does your husband’s income from Oravida represent more than 25% of your family’s joint income?

    • felix 10.1

      I think I heard it mentioned in parliament that he is also a director of several other companies who do business with Oravida.

      The Collins’, along with the Keys, the Goodfellows and several other top level National Party people seem to be deeply entwined and financially interested in and around this network of companies.

      Oh and he’s been stealing our petrol for five and a half years.

    • Tracey 10.2

      no fee for being a director? ? if true there is a quid pro quo for him somewhere

  11. North 11

    http://www.nzherald.co.nz/politics/news/article.cfm?c_id=280&objectid=11240077

    Which means of course that the test for ‘human’ has been wickedly skewed !

    Much like when the old warhorse Muldoon, in tart response to barbs about a notable level of Kiwi emigration to Oz, spat back that the net result would be IQ gain on both sides of the Tasman.

    Oh for the halcyon days when the PM of whatever stripe was not a foreign stooge !

  12. Redzone 12

    This horror vida isn’t over yet for Collins -the more she try’s to deflect the deeper the hole. Predict if this goes on another few weeks after recess key won’t have any choice but to fire her to try and make this shitty mess disappear. Not before time. Call it karma. Next Keys interest and conflict with Oravida needs far greater exposure too.

  13. Ad 13

    God if only Labour had a couple more like her.

    She’s like Goff except with charm, boldness, chutzpah, aggression, connections, political hunger, and oh wait not like Goff at all.

    Labour needs a No. 4 better than her. Events are in the saddle and she’s ridin’.

  14. ianmac 14

    There must be something really really really serious to hide otherwise why else put herself through all this. I wonder why

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Select committee changes Kermadec/Rangitāhua Ocean Sanctuary Bill
    Photo by Tom Hitchon Parliament’s Local Government and Environment Committee has made many changes to the Kermadec/Rangitāhua Ocean Sanctuary Bill in response to public submissions, particularly submissions from iwi authorities and Te Ohu Kaimoana.   Read the amended Bill and the ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage
    1 day ago
  • Housing map a hit as crisis spreads across NZ
    More than 55,000 New Zealanders have used Labour’s interactive housing map in its first week to see how the housing crisis is affecting their local community, Labour Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “Our innovative map shows the housing crisis is ...
    2 days ago
  • Bridges must come clean about fraud within transport
    Hundreds of thousands of dollars of public money have gone missing and  the Minister of Transport, Simon Bridges must come clean after the Labour party revealed that a senior manager is being investigated for serious fraud, says Labour’s Transport Spokesperson ...
    3 days ago
  • Labour supports Spencer victory
    Labour congratulates Margaret Spencer for her tireless efforts in challenging the Government over family carer rights, says Labour’s Deputy Leader Annette King. ...
    3 days ago
  • US Warship visit welcomed by Labour
    Labour sees the United States warship visit as a red letter day for New Zealand’s non-nuclear status, which is core to our identity and has defined us a nation for 30 years, says Labour’s Deputy Leader Annette King. ...
    3 days ago
  • Time for honest dairy sector conversation
    ...
    3 days ago
  • What next? Dog kennels?
    Social Housing Minister Paula Bennett needs to explain why the Government thinks it is acceptable for it to refer families to live in garages and sheds, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “This is a new low, just when you ...
    3 days ago
  • Banks bust a move, Government possum in the headlights
    Three of the big four banks have acted responsibly by bringing the shutters down on property speculators earlier than required by the Reserve Bank, says Labour’s housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “It’s a shame the Government isn’t as motivated to act ...
    3 days ago
  • Latest OECD dairy forecast raises serious questions for economy
    The latest global dairy price forecast shows that New Zealand dairy farmers will not reach a break-even payout before 2019 at the earliest, and will not reach the dairy price factored into this year’s Budget until after 2025, Labour’s Finance spokesperson ...
    3 days ago
  • National’s reckless, out of touch approach to economy exposed
    Today’s economic assessment from the Reserve Bank highlights the danger to the New Zealand economy from a National government that is recklessly complacent in the face of a housing crisis and a struggling export sector, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. ...
    3 days ago
  • GP’s visits get more expensive
      Visiting the GP is set to become more expensive after the Government ignored warnings that people were not receiving access to affordable  healthcare, says Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King.  “Over 400,000 New Zealanders who should be able to access ...
    5 days ago
  • Farm prices bear brunt of dairy downturn
    The slump in dairy prices that has seen farm prices drop to their lowest level since 2012 and down a third from their peak in 2014 will be of concern to farmers, banks and our overall financial stability, Labour’s Finance ...
    5 days ago
  • Reserve Bank “gets on with it”, National carries on in denial
    The proposal by the Reserve Bank to tighten loan to value ratios for investors shows they are prepared to do their bit to crack down on speculators, while National is still stuck in denial mode, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. ...
    5 days ago
  • Housing crisis holds up interest rate cuts
    The housing crisis that National still wants to deny is stifling the New Zealand economy, says Labour’s Finance Spokesperson Grant Robertson. “The latest Consumers Price Index shows that all prices excluding housing and household utilities decreased 0.5 per cent – ...
    6 days ago
  • Housing crisis holds up interest rate cuts
    The housing crisis that National still wants to deny is stifling the New Zealand economy, says Labour’s Finance Spokesperson Grant Robertson. “The latest Consumers Price Index shows that all prices excluding housing and household utilities decreased 0.5 per cent – ...
    6 days ago
  • Govt’s state house sell-off ramping up
    Government plans to ramp up the state house sell-off by selling another 1000 houses in 2016/17 will mean more families in need missing out, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. “New figures show the Government plans to sell 1000 ...
    6 days ago
  • Govt’s state house sell-off ramping up
    Government plans to ramp up the state house sell-off by selling another 1000 houses in 2016/17 will mean more families in need missing out, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. “New figures show the Government plans to sell 1000 ...
    6 days ago
  • National must reassure exporters on dumping case
        The National Government needs to show our key exporters that they are in control of any anti-dumping case against China before it damages some of our most important industries, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says.     ...
    1 week ago
  • National must reassure exporters on dumping case
        The National Government needs to show our key exporters that they are in control of any anti-dumping case against China before it damages some of our most important industries, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says.     ...
    1 week ago
  • Papers describe litany of incredulity
    Treasury documents which slate the Government’s plans for a national bowel screening programme confirm the proposal was nothing more than a political stunt to cover up underfunding of the health sector, Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette Kings says.  The papers were ...
    1 week ago
  • Effect of rampant house prices widens
    The latest house price figures from REINZ show the housing crisis expanding throughout the country, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “We are seeing steep increases in median house prices in Central Otago Lakes – up 42.4% in the last ...
    1 week ago
  • Public invited to have say on homelessness
    People who are homeless, those who were once homeless, those working with the homeless and concerned New Zealanders are being asked to share their experiences and solutions to this growing issue with the Cross-Party Homelessness Inquiry. This inquiry was launched ...
    1 week ago
  • Sorry seems to be the hardest word
    An apology from Hekia Parata to the people of Christchurch is long overdue, Labour's Education spokesperson Chris Hipkins says. "As if the earthquakes weren't traumatic enough, Hekia Parata and the Ministry of Education then attacked the one thing that had ...
    1 week ago
  • Housing crisis affecting more than 98 per cent of NZ
    Labour’s new housing map shows the housing crisis is now affecting more than 98 per cent of New Zealand, Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little says. “Housing pressures have seen house prices rise faster than wages in all but four ...
    1 week ago
  • Uber might not be a taxi firm but it must pay tax
    Uber needs to explain how it paid only $9000 in tax when it earned $1m in revenue and is one of the fastest growing companies in the country, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “Uber New Zealand appears to be ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Tax changes should have been made 3 years ago
    National could have avoided the international stain on our reputation from the Panama Papers if it had let IRD’s planned review of foreign trusts go ahead three years ago, instead of now belatedly acting because of the Shewan recommendations, says ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Government must stop state house sell-off
    The Government must immediately pull the plug on its planned sell-off of state houses in order to stop the housing crisis getting any worse, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “While Paula Bennett is putting people into transit camps in ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Thoughts on Labour’s new housing policies
    The Labour Party launched its package of ideas to fix the housing crisis over the weekend. Their ideas match ours in many ways. This is good news, because it means that when we change the government we’ll be ready to ...
    GreensBy James Shaw
    2 weeks ago
  • Thoughts on Labour’s new housing policies
    The Labour Party launched its package of ideas to fix the housing crisis over the weekend. Their ideas match ours in many ways. This is good news, because it means that when we change the government we’ll be ready to ...
    GreensBy James Shaw
    2 weeks ago
  • Thoughts on Labour’s new housing policies
    The Labour Party launched its package of ideas to fix the housing crisis over the weekend. Their ideas match ours in many ways. This is good news, because it means that when we change the government we’ll be ready to ...
    GreensBy James Shaw
    2 weeks ago
  • Housing crisis drives household debt to record levels
    The Finance Minister must be woken from his slumber by Westpac’s report today that says house prices have largely driven household debt to record levels and are rising at a pace faster than other developed economies, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson ...
    2 weeks ago
  • English denies dividend decision made – Joyce should delete his account
    National must explain who is right in the Housing NZ dividend debacle, after Bill English said no decision had been made on a payment for the next two years, in direct contrast to Steven Joyce, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Pressure forces Govt to make policy on the hoof
    Steven Joyce’s surprise announcement that Housing NZ will no longer be used as a cash cow has forced the Finance Minister to make one of National’s biggest ever U-turns, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. “After years of insisting the ...
    2 weeks ago
  • 10-fold more affordable houses under Labour
    New data showing homeownership rates continue to fall and more Kiwis than ever rent, highlights why Labour’s plan to build 10 times more affordable housing in Auckland is so desperately needed, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “Labour’s Affordable Housing ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Out of excuses, Brownlee resorts to scare tactics
    Gerry Brownlee’s ridiculous suggestion that Labour would nationalise Christchurch’s east frame shows National has resorted to scare tactics to hide its failure to build desperately needed affordable houses in our city, Labour's Canterbury spokesperson Megan Woods says. “Plans put in ...
    2 weeks ago
  • National all at sea in face of Labour’s housing plan
    Labour’s comprehensive plan to fix the housing crisis has left National Ministers flailing about, contradicting themselves and simply making things up, Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson says. “Steven Joyce has said in one breath that Labour’s plan represents a minor tweak ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Labour’s comprehensive plan to tackle housing crisis
    The next Labour Government has a comprehensive plan to tackle the housing crisis by building affordable houses and cracking down on speculators, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. “The housing crisis is out of control and National has proven ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Housing NZ to look after people, not profits
    Labour will change Housing NZ from a corporation to a public service and use the dividends it formerly paid into the Crown coffers to maintain and build more state houses, Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little says. “Housing NZ should ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Government breaks rent subsidies promise
    National has broken a promise to subsidise the rent of 3000 low-income New Zealanders to make up for its state house sell-off, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “When John Key announced last year the Government would sell-off 8000 state ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Banks the latest to voice concerns over housing
    The Reserve Bank has revealed banks are becoming “more and more concerned” about the effects of the housing crisis, adding yet another weighty voice to the calls for action from the Government, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “The Reserve ...
    2 weeks ago
  • New official figures show DHB’s financial strife
    New figures from the Ministry of Health show 12 out of 20 district health boards have not been fully funded this year to cope with the aging population, says Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King.“The Ministry’s own figures to the Health ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Reserve Bank pleas for action from Government
    The Reserve Bank has stopped asking and is now pleading with the Government to take urgent action on the housing crisis, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “Deputy Governor Grant Spencer is clearly deeply concerned about the housing crisis. The ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Labour to house 5100 more homeless a year
    There would be 1400 new emergency accommodation places – enough to put a roof over the heads of 5100 homeless people a year – under Labour’s emergency housing policy announced today, Opposition Leader Andrew Little says. “Too many of our ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Chilcot Report shows Labour was right on Iraq
    The Chilcot Report released today shows John Key was wrong to call New Zealand “MIA” over the 2003 war in Iraq and Labour made the right decision not to send troops, Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little says. “At the ...
    3 weeks ago
  • Bigger class sizes on the way under National
    Hekia Parata’s refusal to rule out bigger class sizes as a result of her new bulk funding regime speaks volumes about the real agenda behind her proposed changes, Labour’s Education spokesperson Chris Hipkins says. “Hekia Parata has proposed that schools ...
    3 weeks ago
  • National refuses to put people ahead of politics
    National’s refusal to rise above partisan politics and support a parliamentary inquiry into homelessness is hugely disappointing, Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little says. “This is such an important issue that politics should be put aside and parties should work ...
    3 weeks ago
  • Minister in denial over Pacific home ownership fall
    As long as the Minister of Pacific Peoples continues to deny that Pacific families have had the greatest home-ownership falls under his Government’s watch, nothing serious will be done to fix the housing crisis, says Pacific Island Affairs spokesperson Su’a ...
    3 weeks ago
  • Social Bonds experiment a failure
    The Government’s much vaunted social bonds experiment is a multi-million dollar failure, says Labour’s Health spokesperson Annette King.  “The news that the Wise Group has now withdrawn from the project to develop a pilot for mental health employment services, shows ...
    3 weeks ago
  • John Key must ‘get on with it’, not leave it to Reserve Bank
    John Key can’t just tell the Reserve Bank to ‘get on with’ fixing the housing crisis – he must act to tackle the rampant speculation in the housing market that has taken place under his watch, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson ...
    3 weeks ago
  • No gains for Māori while National in power
    The Minister of Māori Development needs to be honest with his people and admit his party’s ongoing support of the National Government has seen increasing inequality and decreasing prosperity for Māori, says Ikaroa-Rāwhiti MP Meka Whaitiri.  “Te Ururoa Flavell had ...
    3 weeks ago

Public service advertisements by The Standard

Current CO2 level in the atmosphere