web analytics

ImperatorFish: Judith Collins explains

Written By: - Date published: 8:14 am, April 18th, 2014 - 30 comments
Categories: Judith Collins, Satire - Tags:

Iimperator fish logomperatorFish generously allows us to repost some of his posts. It was impossible to resist this satire.

I can’t believe I’m having to explain myself yet again. Didn’t I already provide a perfectly clear explanation?

These allegations are disgusting and outrageous. How could anyone for a moment think I did something wrong?

All I did was attend a dinner with bosses of a company having trouble with Chinese border officials, a dinner that a Chinese border official coincidentally attended.  So what? So what if Oravida and its owner Stone Shi donate heavily to the National Party, and my husband is also involved with the company? What possible motive could I have to help Oravida? What possible conflict could arise in such a situation?

The presence of a Chinese border official at a dinner I was attending with the owner of a company having trouble with Chinese border officials, is entirely irrelevant. In my role as MP and government minister I attend a lot of meals, and I often find myself seated next to Chinese border officials. I see Chinese border officials almost everywhere I go, and it’s got to the stage where I hardly notice them anymore.

I’ll give you an example. Just last week I took my husband out for a quiet romantic dinner at a restaurant in my local electorate, and when we got to our table we found a Chinese border official already sitting there. He looked at the wine list and ate some of the bread we ordered as a starter, but didn’t say a word. I couldn’t even tell you what he looked like, because it didn’t seem important. It’s really no big deal.

We came home to find another Chinese border official sitting in the lounge, sifting through my pile of House and Garden magazines. He had helped himself to our tea but was otherwise minding his own business, so we left him there. I made up the spare bed for him, but he left of his own accord after we’d turned in for the night.

On my flight to Wellington on Monday morning I was seated next to a Chinese border official. I could tell what he did for a living because he had a badge on saying “Chinese border official,” which is lucky, otherwise I’d have assumed he was just another Chinese businessman in a suit. It even turned out that the pilot was a Chinese border official. These people are everywhere, so it would have been an enormous surprise if one of them hadn’t been at my dinner with Oravida.

Did I speak to the Chinese border official during my dinner with Oravida? Of course I didn’t! Why would I? What would I have to say to such an uninteresting and ubiquitous class of person?

Actually, come to think of it, I may have spoken to the gentleman. I remember now that at the very beginning of the dinner I stood over him and said “now listen here, you Chinese official type person, I have nothing to say to you. And I won’t be having any of your talk, so button your lip!” And then I gave him The Stare. I think you know The Stare. It’s what I’m about to give you very shortly if you don’t stop with all these questions.

Judith Collins no cluedoAnd that was that. No, how could I possibly know why the Chinese border official was at the dinner? What possible reason could Oravida have for greasing up to such a person? Oh, Oravida was having problems with Chinese border officials, you say? I didn’t know that at the time, did I? Yes, I’m aware now that Oravida was lobbying ministers to intervene, but just because I happen to be a personal friend of Stone Shi, the owner of the company, that doesn’t mean he would have approached me for assistance in the matter. No, I just can’t imagine him ever doing that.

But let me be clear that if it does turn out that Stone Shi asked me to intervene on Oravida’s behalf, that doesn’t mean there was anything unusual or sinister in my having dinner with a Chinese border official. If Mr Shi did mention Oravida’s problems, then I’m sure I forgot about them immediately afterwards. I’m an extremely busy woman, and I can’t be expected to remember every single thing people tell me. Surely if John Banks can lose a helicopter ride, I can be allowed to forget this one little thing.

I’m confident that my presence at the dinner was in no way an attempt by Oravida to impress or intimidate the Chinese border official by wheeling out pliant New Zealand government ministers. I can’t imagine that sort of thing would ever happen in China. Surely that’s not how business is done there.

So enough of this rubbish and nonsense about Oravida. Why don’t you ask me questions about more important things? I have a wide range of other ministerial responsibilities, and there are lots of exciting things happening in my other portfolios.

What’s that? You want to talk about ACC privacy breaches? In that case, does anyone else have anything they’d like to ask me about Oravida?

30 comments on “ImperatorFish: Judith Collins explains”

  1. Philj 1

    xox
    Have you thought about politics as a career, Imperator?

  2. Macro 2

    Just as well I had finished my coffee! 🙂

    • Red Rosa 2.1

      +1

    • lprent 2.2

      I know what you mean.

      I was croaking it out to Lyn earlier through a bit of a damn throat cold, and having laughter problems as I read through the bits about wayward chinese customs officials turning up everywhere to be ignored or stared at…

      Good thing that I’d already had the coffee…

      • Anne 2.2.1

        Reminded me of Tom Scott’s cartoon back in the Muldoon era. He was tucked up in his little bed (frightened and alone) while Russian spies, bedecked in tunics and boots, were hanging from the light bulb cord, squashed under the bed, climbing in the window and peering out of the wardrobe cupboard.

    • Ake Ake Ake 2.3

      Waahaa.
      Also, a very appropriate pic. It should be put alongside other pictures in a series called “The Many Faces of National’s Corruption and Lies”.

    • Tracey 2.4

      great stuff

  3. greywarbler 3

    “Judith can’t believe she has to explain this all again”
    Are you lot stupid or what, Judith looks irritable, taps her foot.

    Yes, stupid to want our pollies to be thinking of what they can do to get the country running well and sustainably for the benefit of us all. Not filling in time while you make useful business connections for your own benefit Judith.

    Pansy got tossed out of the flower bed. So should you. Grow your family business interests in your own time, under your own steam. Put your energy into your job, serving us. (Hollow cynical, maniacal laughter echoes on for days and months. Until the election.)

  4. Rogue Trooper 4

    true to type.

    • greywarbler 4.1

      Hi Rogue wondering about you this morning. See you ’round.

      • Rogue Trooper 4.1.1

        slingshot, just waiting for Chorus to do their bit, and we can return to our fire-side chats gw. Been a lengthy sabbatical, a busman’s holiday if you will, read some books and sparred with the summer haze.

  5. tricledrown 5

    Colins learning the art of lying for tilt at leaders job.

  6. ffloyd 6

    I read somewhere that because of all the pressure she has been under she said she has been ‘humanised’ Apparently she was not ‘human’ before.

  7. Chooky 7

    like her pearls….Judith could be quite attractive if she smiled more

  8. RedLogix 8

    It’s black humour, but depressing all the same. Collins has a history of arrogantly re-writing the rules to suit herself.

    But let’s be clear on one thing. If a left-wing pollie even looks like they’ve put a foot wrong, these righties are up it like the proverbial rat and drainpipe. They know perfectly well what a conflict of interest really is, and what corrupt conduct is. In general right wingers are very rule driven creatures – and particularly possessed by the letter of the law.

    There are no fine interpretations here; Collins knows perfectly well she’s fucked up. And badly. She has no valid defense, so we are getting the bullying bluster instead. Unfortunately for her, she’s not charming with it.

  9. Stuart Munro 9

    Someone should do Judith the favour of explaining the Easter message to her – she’ll have to die before she can rise again.

    On the other hand, crucifying her all the way to the election, a double bill with Key’s scampi ad, should see both of them gone in September. NZ does not love or expect corruption.

    • greywarbler 9.1

      SM
      Got to be aware of the public’s predilection? to swing like a weathercock in the wind. Too much opprobrium and next thing there would be a campaign of emotional support for her against the ‘orrible lefties. Think of the Campaign for Rowling as an example of a political push that seemed quite clear and reasonable yet going wrong.

      • Stuart Munro 9.1.1

        Citizens for Rowling was personality driven – it was the author of its own demise. JC has graphically broken the rules, when the cabinet manual is drafted to proscribe even the appearance of ministerial partiality.

        I wouldn’t count on this crocodile’s tears winning her much sympathy.

        • North 9.1.1.1

          I do note though that on Herald online today a click on the tab “Should Collins resign as a minister ?”, presumably a facility for me to click ‘NO’ if that be my feeling, my vigorous clicking takes me nowhere. End of story.

          Have the powers that be at the Herald decided……’enough is enough…..’ ?

  10. Not a PS Staffer 10

    Collins’ husband is not “only a Director with no financial interest” as Collins continually says.

    He is a full time manager, possibly on $200k a year. Being also a Director he has a legal duty to care for the shareholder’s investment.

    Question for Parliament:
    Does your husband spend more than 20 hours a week on Oravida business!
    Does your husband spend more than 20 hours a week as an employee in any business other than Oravida ?
    Does your husband’s income from Oravida represent more than 25% of your family’s joint income?

    • felix 10.1

      I think I heard it mentioned in parliament that he is also a director of several other companies who do business with Oravida.

      The Collins’, along with the Keys, the Goodfellows and several other top level National Party people seem to be deeply entwined and financially interested in and around this network of companies.

      Oh and he’s been stealing our petrol for five and a half years.

    • Tracey 10.2

      no fee for being a director? ? if true there is a quid pro quo for him somewhere

  11. North 11

    http://www.nzherald.co.nz/politics/news/article.cfm?c_id=280&objectid=11240077

    Which means of course that the test for ‘human’ has been wickedly skewed !

    Much like when the old warhorse Muldoon, in tart response to barbs about a notable level of Kiwi emigration to Oz, spat back that the net result would be IQ gain on both sides of the Tasman.

    Oh for the halcyon days when the PM of whatever stripe was not a foreign stooge !

  12. Redzone 12

    This horror vida isn’t over yet for Collins -the more she try’s to deflect the deeper the hole. Predict if this goes on another few weeks after recess key won’t have any choice but to fire her to try and make this shitty mess disappear. Not before time. Call it karma. Next Keys interest and conflict with Oravida needs far greater exposure too.

  13. Ad 13

    God if only Labour had a couple more like her.

    She’s like Goff except with charm, boldness, chutzpah, aggression, connections, political hunger, and oh wait not like Goff at all.

    Labour needs a No. 4 better than her. Events are in the saddle and she’s ridin’.

  14. ianmac 14

    There must be something really really really serious to hide otherwise why else put herself through all this. I wonder why

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Brexit vote costs NZ effective EU voice
    Despite being extremely close the result of the referendum in Britain reflects the majority voice, Labour’s Foreign Affairs spokesperson David Shearer says. “While we respect the decision to leave the EU, it goes without saying the move will usher in ...
    1 day ago
  • Pasifika Education Centre doomed
    The Pasifika Education Centre appears doomed to close down this December, says Labour’s Pacific Island Affairs spokesperson Su’a William Sio  “In a written question I asked the Minister whether he would put a bid in for more money. His answer ...
    2 days ago
  • Onetai Station review a shameful whitewash
    A report released today on the Overseas Investment Office’s (OIO) good character test is a whitewash that does nothing to improve New Zealand’s overseas investment regime, says Labour’s Land Information spokesperson David Cunliffe. “The review of the good character test ...
    2 days ago
  • We need a national strategy to end homelessness now
    Long before I entered Parliament, housing and homelessness were issues dear to my heart. I know from personal experience just how hard it is to find an affordable home in Auckland. In my maiden speech, I talked about how when ...
    GreensBy Marama Davidson
    2 days ago
  • Capital feels a chill economic wind
      Wellington is on the cusp of recession with a sharp fall in economic confidence in the latest Westpac McDermott Miller confidence survey, says Labour’s Regional Development spokesperson David Clark.  “Economic confidence amongst Wellingtonians has dropped 12% in the past ...
    2 days ago
  • Dive school rort took six years to dredge up
    News that yet another private training establishment (PTE) has rorted the Government’s tertiary funding system since 2009 shows that Steven Joyce has no control of the sector, says Labour’s Associate Education (Tertiary) spokesperson David Cunliffe. “Like Agribusiness Training and Taratahi, ...
    2 days ago
  • National’s housing crisis hitting renters hard
    National’s ongoing housing crisis is causing massive rental increases, with Auckland renters being hit the hardest, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. ...
    3 days ago
  • A Day with the PSA
    This week, along with Labour MP Kris Faafoi, I accepted an invitation to spend a day working alongside the good folk at the Public Service Association in Wellington. As the Workplace Relations and Safety spokesperson for the Greens, I was ...
    GreensBy Denise Roche
    3 days ago
  • A Day with the PSA
    This week, along with Labour MP Kris Faafoi, I accepted an invitation to spend a day working alongside the good folk at the Public Service Association in Wellington. As the Workplace Relations and Safety spokesperson for the Greens, I was ...
    GreensBy Denise Roche
    3 days ago
  • Government holds Northland back
    New information shows Northland remains the most economically depressed region in New Zealand, says Labour’s Regional Development spokesperson David Clark. “The latest Westpac McDermott Miller regional survey found that more Northlanders believe their local economy will deteriorate this year than ...
    3 days ago
  • Rebstock report into MFAT leaks a disgrace
    An Ombudsman’s report on the Paul Rebstock investigation into MFAT leaks shows the two diplomats at the centre of the case were treated disgracefully, says Labour’s State Services spokesperson Kris Faafoi.  “The Ombudsman says one of the diplomats Derek Leask ...
    3 days ago
  • More families forced to turn to food banks for meals
    Increasing numbers of families are having to go to food banks just to put a meal on the table, according to a new report that should shame the Government into action, says Labour’s Social Development spokesperson Carmel Sepuloni. ...
    3 days ago
  • We have a housing emergency in New Zealand
    Auckland, New Zealand, where house prices have risen 20 percent in the last year alone We have a housing emergency in New Zealand.  Like many people we are ashamed and angry that in a wealthy country like ours, we have ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage
    3 days ago
  • We have a housing emergency in New Zealand
    Auckland, New Zealand, where house prices have risen 20 percent in the last year alone We have a housing emergency in New Zealand.  Like many people we are ashamed and angry that in a wealthy country like ours, we have ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage
    3 days ago
  • Aussie reforms signal trouble ahead for school funding plan
    Plans by the Government to return to bulk funding are likely to see increased class sizes and schools most in need missing out on much-needed resources, Labour’s Acting Education spokesperson Grant Robertson says. “The signaled return to bulk funding is ...
    4 days ago
  • Toxic Sites – the down low on the go slow
    In  2011, I negotiated an agreement with the National Government to advance work on cleaning up contaminated sites across the country. This included establishing a National Register of the ten worst sites where the creators of the problem could not ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty
    4 days ago
  • Aucklanders face new motorway tax of up to $2500 a year
    The Government wants to tax Aucklanders thousands of dollars a year just to use the motorway network, says Labour’s Auckland Issues spokesperson Phil Twyford. “Officials estimate the average city commute is 11.8km. This means for the average Aucklander commuting five ...
    4 days ago
  • 15 corrupt bank managers identified in student fraud
    New information show 15 bank managers in India have been identified by Immigration New Zealand as presenting fraudulent documents on behalf of foreign students studying here, Labour’s Immigration spokesperson Iain Lees-Galloway says. “Documents obtained by Labour under the Official Information ...
    4 days ago
  • National leaves Kiwi savers the most vulnerable in OECD
    News last week that Israel’s Finance Minister will insure savers’ bank deposits means New Zealand will be left as the only country in the OECD that has no deposit insurance to protect savers’ funds should a bank fail. Most Kiwis ...
    GreensBy James Shaw
    5 days ago
  • Comprehensive plan for future of work needed
    A Massey University study showing many New Zealanders are unaware of the increasing role of automation in their workplace, highlights the need for a comprehensive plan for the future of work, says Grant Robertson, Chair of Labour’s Future of Work ...
    5 days ago
  • Another National Government failure: 90 day work trials
    On Friday last week, the Treasury released a report by MOTU economic consultants into the effectiveness of the controversial 90-day work trial legislation. The report found that there was “no evidence that the policy affected the number of hires by ...
    GreensBy Denise Roche
    5 days ago
  • Iraq mission extension case not made
    The Prime Minister has not made the case for extending the Iraq deployment another 18 months nor the expansion of their mission, says Opposition Leader Andrew Little.  “Labour originally opposed the deployment because the Iraqi Army’s track record was poor, ...
    5 days ago
  • Denial is a long river
    William Rolleston from Federated Farmers made the absurd claim on RNZ on Saturday that “we actually have very clean rivers”. This statement doesn’t represent the many farmers who know water quality is in big trouble and are working to clean ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty
    6 days ago
  • Denial is a long river
    William Rolleston from Federated Farmers made the absurd claim on RNZ on Saturday that “we actually have very clean rivers”. This statement doesn’t represent the many farmers who know water quality is in big trouble and are working to clean ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty
    6 days ago
  • Melanoma deaths could be avoided by an early access scheme
      The tragic death of Dunedin’s Graeme Dore from advanced Melanoma underlines the cruelty of this Government in promising a treatment but delaying for months, says Labour’s Health Spokesperson Annette King.  “Graeme was diagnosed with Melanoma last year. He used ...
    6 days ago
  • Assessing the Defence White Paper
    The Government’s recently released Defence White Paper has raised questions again about New Zealand’s defence priorities, and in particular the level and nature of public funding on defensive capabilities. The Green Party has a longstanding belief that priority must be ...
    GreensBy Kennedy Graham
    6 days ago
  • Kiwis’ confidence drops again: Economy needs a boost
    Westpac’s consumer confidence survey has fallen for the seventh time in nine quarters, with middle income households ‘increasingly worried about where the economy is heading over the next few years’, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “This survey is a ...
    6 days ago
  • Relocation grant simply kicks can down the road
    The response by state house tenants and social agencies to the Government’s rushed plan to shift families out of Auckland tells us what we already knew – this is no answer to the chronic housing shortage, Opposition Leader Andrew Little ...
    6 days ago
  • Peace hīkoi to Parihaka
    On Friday a Green crew walked with the peace hīkoi from Ōkato to Parihaka. Some of us were from Parliament and some were party members from Taranaki and further afield. It was a cloudy but gentle day and at one ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty
    6 days ago
  • Children’s Commissioner right to worry about CYF transition
    The Government must listen to the Children’s Commissioner’s concerns that young people under CYF care could be ‘negatively impacted’ as the new agency’s reforms become reality, says Labour’s Children’s spokesperson Jacinda Ardern. “Dr Russell Wills has used the second annual ...
    6 days ago
  • Bill English exaggerates PPL costs to justify veto
    The Finance Minister has used trumped-up costings to justify a financial veto against parents having 26 weeks paid parental leave, says Labour MP Sue Moroney. “Bill English’s assertion on RNZ yesterday that the measure would cost an extra $280 million ...
    1 week ago
  • Government must refund overcharged motorists
    Labour is calling on the Government to refund motor registration fees to three-quarters of a million Kiwi motorists whose vehicles were wrongly classified under National’s shambolic ACC motor vehicle risk rating system, Labour’s ACC spokesperson Sue Moroney says.“Minister Kaye’s ridiculous ...
    1 week ago
  • 90-day work trials an unfair failure which must change
    A new Treasury report shows the Government’s 90-day trials haven’t helped businesses and are inherently unfair, Labour’s Workplace Relations spokesperson Iain Lees-Galloway says. “The Motu report found that 90-day trial periods had no impact on overall employment and did not ...
    1 week ago
  • Massey East houses a start but Nick Smith should think bigger
    The Massey East 196-home development is a start but the Government must think bigger if it is to end the housing crisis, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “It is great the Government is finally realising it needs to build ...
    1 week ago
  • More changes needed to ensure fewer cases like Teina Pora’s
    Teina Pora spent 21 years behind bars for a crime he didn’t commit, shafted by a Police investigation that prioritised an investigator’s hunch over the pursuit of credible evidence. Yesterday’s announcement that the government is to pay him $2.5m in ...
    GreensBy David Clendon
    1 week ago
  • New Zealand Labour sends condolences to UK
    The New Zealand Labour Party is sickened and saddened by the murder of British Labour MP Jo Cox, Labour Leader Andrew Little says. “Ms Cox was killed in cold blood while simply doing her job as a constituent MP. She ...
    1 week ago
  • Shameful refugee quota increase still leaves NZ at the bottom of the list
    Minister for Immigration Michael Woodhouse announced this week that the government will put off increasing the refugee quota by 1000 places until 2018.  It’s a shameful decision that undermines the Government’s claim that it takes its international humanitarian obligations seriously, ...
    GreensBy Denise Roche
    1 week ago
  • Paula Bennett as a victim hard to swallow
    The National Party spin machine has gone into overdrive to try and present Paula Bennett as the victim in the Te Puea Marae smear saga, says Labour Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. “Bill English in Parliament today tried valiantly to paint ...
    1 week ago
  • Voters to have the final veto on paid parental leave
    New Zealanders will have the final right of veto on a Government that has ignored democracy and is out of touch with the pressures and demands on families, says Labour MP Sue Moroney. “Today’s decision by National to veto 26 ...
    1 week ago
  • Collins should put Kiwis’ money where her mouth is
    Labour’s Police spokesman Stuart Nash is calling on anyone who has received a speeding ticket for going up to 5km/h over the 100km/hr open road speed limit to write to him and he will take it up on their behalf ...
    1 week ago
  • Where is the leadership on equal pay for work of equal value?
    The gender pay gap in the public service is worse than in the private sector. I’ve always found this particularly galling because I expect our Government to provide an example to the private sector on things like human rights, rather ...
    GreensBy Jan Logie
    1 week ago
  • Kiwis’ real disposable income goes nowhere for the year
    New Zealanders’ hard work for the last year resulted in no increase in real disposable income, showing Kiwis aren’t getting ahead under National, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. “Today’s GDP figures reveal that real gross national disposable income per ...
    1 week ago
  • Pora case a case to learn from
    Conformation that Teina Pora will receive $2.5million from the Crown for more than 20 years of wrongful imprisonment does not fix the flaws in our system that led to this miscarriage of justice, Labour’s Justice spokesperson Jacinda Ardern says. “The ...
    1 week ago
  • Government needs to start again with RMA changes
    The National Government’s proposed changes to the Resource Management Act have attracted more than 800 submissions, many of them critical of key aspects of the Resource Legislation Bill. There has been much criticism of the new regulation making powers given ...
    GreensBy Eugenie Sage
    2 weeks ago
  • Bennett’s briefing completely unacceptable
    It is completely unacceptable that Paula Bennett briefed her political staff on the police investigation into Hurimoana Dennis after her meeting with him, despite it having nothing to do with her social housing portfolio, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Speech to Green Building Council
    Building smarter, greener cities It will be clear to anyone who has been watching the public debate on the housing crisis that housing in New Zealand is sadly far from being economically sustainable when Auckland has the fourth most unaffordable ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Paula Bennett has more questions to answer
    It is unthinkable that Paula Bennett’s press secretary went rogue and tried to smear the reputation of someone involved in helping the homeless, Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford says. “Political staff would not take such serious unilateral action without the ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Speech on Notice of Motion on Orlando
    Mr Speaker, The Labour Party joins with the government in expressing our horror at this atrocity and our love and sympathy are with the victims and their families. Our thoughts are with the people of Orlando and of the United ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Tiakina Ngā Wai – Swimmable Rivers Report June 2016
    The campaign to clean up our rivers was launched at the Green Conference at Queens Birthday weekend. However, the work prior to the launch goes back a number of years. Russel Norman and Eugenie Sage deserve full credit for the ...
    GreensBy Catherine Delahunty
    2 weeks ago
  • We can do more: Refugee quota should be doubled
    New Zealand is a better country than National’s miserable increase in the refugee quota that ignores our obligations to the international community and people in need, says Opposition Leader Andrew Little. “It is a sad day when the Government can’t ...
    2 weeks ago

Public service advertisements by The Standard

Current CO2 level in the atmosphere