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Key “AT HOME” in Whale Oil Cafe

Written By: - Date published: 3:13 pm, May 24th, 2014 - 10 comments
Categories: Satire - Tags:

Allo, ‘Allo, ‘Allo, ‘Allo, Episode 4.  Based on the 1980’s comedy series “Allo, ‘Allo”.  starring Cameron Slater as Rene and Judith Collins as Edith his wife.   Set in a greasy spoon cafe off K’d.

See previous episodes: Starring role Key  schemes

It is early morning before the Whale Oil cafe has opened.  Cameron Rene sits at a table looking downcast as he polishes his trophy.  Judith Edith is using a klenix tissue to dust a framed picture of David Cunliffe buying shoes.

EDITH:  “Rene, you are looking very downcast.  Would you like one of my klenix?”

RENE:  “You stupid woman!  Of course I am down cast.  We recently won this special Cannon award.” (reads from the inscription on the trophy)  “To Whale Oil for having the best  BOG 2014” .  “But now I feel we are about to lose all we have achieved.  We have competition.”

EDITH:  “But Rene who is this competition?  How are they competing with us?  Surely nobody could have a better Bog than we do here at  Whale Oil.”

RENE:  “We have competition all right!  Some protester threw manure at a former Mayor of Auckland this week.  Copying me!  And now the PM is saying the standards in Parliament are very low. He is noticing this more and more as others stoop to his level.  Why someone even accused Bill of having a very insensitive sausage, which is a very mean thing to say.  According to the  PM the Greens are really nasty and have a nasty underbelly! But we at Whale Oil are seeking to be the nastiest.  The possibility of being upstaged by the Greens is more than I can cope with!”

EDITH:  “The Greens! Yes nasty, nasty, nasty! They have offended me too, with their horrible haute couture” (pauses and straightens her jacket), ” I know………. I could get  Maurice to give the police a call.  He could tell them to investigate this nastiness and try and put a stop to it.”

RENE:  “You stupid woman!  It no longer works having Maurice call the police.  He was in the backroom at Whale Oil  all last week making 111 calls, but now the police hang up on him.  Not like the good old days.  I have had to get him to do some handy man work around the cafe.  He is currently repairing the roof.  We have so many drips coming into Whale Oil.”

EDITH:  “Yes these drips come in to Whale Oil and they make the floor of the cafe slippery and slimy.”

RENE:  “Its not just the drips that make the cafe slippery and slimy Judith  Edith.   I suspect,  the Prime Minister has been sleeping on our floor here .”

EDITH:  “John!  On our floor!  Maybe that’s why he looks so tired lately.”

RENE:  “No Edith, it is not our floor that makes him tired.  Its that hound Campbell that he is losing sleep over.”

EDITH:  “Yes Campbell.  What can be done with that hound!”

RENE:  “Well we have invited Campbell to lunch at the Cafe today.”

EDITH;  “Oh Rene”  (throws her arms around him)” An at home with the leaders lunch!  What a coup for us at Whale Oil!.  This must be why John is sleeping on our slippery floor!  He is wanting to do his at home with the leaders in our cafe so the public can see that Whale Oil is is his true home!”

RENE:  “Yes Campbell thinks he coming here for an “At his true home with Key.”.  But…..listen very carefully I will say this only once.….  What is really happening today is special trainers are going to try to re-train Campbell so he stops sniffing around and starts running with the media pack.”

Latter that day at Whale Oil the training is in progress…………John Key sits on the throne.  He has three laps dogs from the Herald sitting on his lap gazing up at him with a fixed expression of adoration.  At his side are two chihuauas from Radio NZ.  The Campbell hound is sniffing around and every time he appears to have found something the chihuahuas bark vociferously.  Key attempts a dog whistle, but the Campbell hound continues to dig.

KEY:  “Hell you have to respect the Campbell hound really.  He persists with digging up real stuff.  I wonder if that’s what you call integrity?”

IAN:  “Forget integrity John. How do you think this training is working?”

JOHN:  (as one of the lap dogs  licks him all over) “This is working really well for me.  I am just loving this devotion.”

IAN:  “Yes most of the media pack are so well trained.  But that blasted Campbell. He continues to snoop around.”

JOHN:  “Why can’t he learn to be like the pack I have around me.  They are all over me like a rash”.

IAN:  “Campbell’s a blood hound.  They sniff out the truth.”

KEY:  “Truth???? Can you err, please let me know what that word means? It’s not something I am familiar with.”

IAN:  “You stupid man..why on earth would we bother to train you in the truth.”

10 comments on “Key “AT HOME” in Whale Oil Cafe”

  1. tinfoilhat 1

    can i have that 30 seconds of my life back ?

    • Weepu's beard 1.1

      C’marrn, lighten up. I know being conservative is serious business but have a laugh once in a while – it’ll do you good.

  2. seeker 2

    “KEY: “Truth???? Can you err, please let me know what that word means? It’s not something I am familiar with.”

    Absolutely Suzanna. Here is a clip from the Herald last April showing key desperately ferreting around trying to avoid that which he is so uncomfortable with and in so doing managing to tell the one recorded lie I have never forgotten.


    Blip I think you need to archive this please, and huge thanks for all the invaluable work you have done thus far.

    • Murray Olsen 2.1

      That one has all the hallmarks of someone in a very uncomfortable situation, hoping that swamping the interviewers with irrelevant details will make them forget the question. There’s also the super fast talking, hoping that he’ll be at the end of it soon.

      Yet right wingers love hearing his lies. I would have thought there might be one or two honest ones out there somewhere, but they are very hard to find.

  3. second thoughts 3

    this is not even funny…..Campbell live was funnier

  4. captain hook 4

    one more cup of coffee for the road…

  5. Charlieboy 5

    How does Key get away with the bare faced lying that you see in Seeker’s clip.If I had tried this sort of feeble rubbish at my High school, years ago,with my voice squeeking,going red in the face and trying to laugh it off, I would have been stopped mid sentence, told to stop lying,and get ready to take my punishment .

    • seeker 5.1

      Exactly Charlieboy. Glad you agree. Perhaps I shall use it again so it will get more exposure as I think it is invaluable in giving truth to the fact that key definitely lies – unfortunately for us.

      • felix 5.1.1

        The real outrage is not the lie.

        It’s that he lied directly to a room full of journalists who while noting that he had just contradicted himself, they then let him repeat it and do nothing to follow it up.

        • seeker

          Agree felix. Am trying to follow it up myself now I am feeling a little better. The clip was on the Herald site for a couple of weeks and I rang and mentioned it to Stuff. Andrea Vance was standing chewing gum right beside key and if she didn’t follow it up…..as you say an outrage and a mysterious one at that considering her apparent interest in the GCSB.

          I and my computer were effectively out for the count after that – my computer died and after two big ops, thanks to superb surgeons and thank God too, I didn’t. Now I borrow a laptop at times and with the anaesthetic clearing I am trying to get back into action.

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