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Sinking homicide rate justifies murder spree – PM

Written By: - Date published: 12:21 pm, May 9th, 2012 - 15 comments
Categories: crime, john key, Satire - Tags: , ,

The Government’s ‘sinking lid’ on homicides means that John Key can personally garotte 3-5 enemies and the overall number of killings will still decrease, a smiling Prime Minister told journalists today.

Since 1997, the sinking lid policy on homicide has gradually reduced the number of murders from 150 that year to 83 in 2011.

“Based on those trends, the number of murders will go down by about half a dozen this year. Which means no-one should mind if I bump off a few annoying arseholes” said Mr Key putting crosses beside names on seating map of Parliament.

“I mean, there’ll still be fewer killings than the year before, so what’s the harm?”

Asked whether the number of homicides would reduce even further if he didn’t take bloody revenge on those who had wronged him, Mr Key replied “But the number will come down even if a few certain smartarse journalists get what’s coming to them.”

“There’s a sinking lid. That means each year is lower than the year before. I really don’t see the problem here.” said the PM, sharpening his flick knives.

As of press time, Labour spokesperson for vendettas Trevor Mallard was hiding out in his family’s hometown in Sicily until the heat dies down, and was unavailable for comment.

15 comments on “Sinking homicide rate justifies murder spree – PM”

  1. …and, it doesn’t matter what the Cabinet Manual says, he can keep his job as long as he can assure us that he has not committed a crime.
    He’s such a nice man and he’s got such a lovely smile. He wouldn’t lie…would he?

    • ianmac 1.1

      And no doubt he can claim suit replacement when damaged by enemy blood – on the taxpayer of course.

      • Why not do a Bill English and double dip.
        First – Claim the expenses for plastic wraps for the victim (a la Dexter), all those groceries from Countdown to get a complete knife set and the expenses for the military helicopter rides, Diplomatic Protection Squads, and the “Tuhoe” Terrorism Suppression Act regiment of the NZ police, arising from going into the Beneficiary Badlands – and of course the damaged suits covered with the blood splatter from the poor.
        Second, do a promotional deal “in the interests of promoting NZ exporters” with a suit manufacturer where your suits, stained with the blood of the poor, are replaced free of charge.
        Double dip.
        “National – making expenses claims work for the rich”

  2. grumpy 2

    What’s the job of Prime Minister coming to when he has to perform his own garottings?

    • McFlock 2.1

      He doesn’t have to, he just likes to…

      • He has had no advice on garottings. However, he did have his Chief of Staff go to a number of events involving piano wire but he can not confirm if garottings took place – he has had not advice on that.

  3. BLiP 3

    UPDATED: Prime Minister John Key has announced that National Ltd™ will murder one beneficiary every eight weeks. 
    Although the policy is still being drafted, its understood that the beneficiaries to be saved from the dwindling spiral of dependence on the state will be selected at random from National Ltd™ electorates.
    “As well as not reflecting badly in the statistics, this new policy will act as an incentive for beneficiaries to move into paid employment or live in areas more suited to their lifestyle”, Mr Key said this afternoon.

  4. Dr Terry 4

    Let’s not miss the point here (as if 83 murders is a cause for celebration). Key himself is “murderer of the psyche and soul” of countless numbers in the country. Literal murder might be of least concern (often result of other unhappy circumstances). Key and his lot are in process of murderous mayhem –
    through deliberate policy and strategy. Possibly 80% of us are “well off” (materially), an 80% that largely looks “murderously” upon the “lesser” 20%. For a “first world” OECD country, 20% of victims is one hell of a lot!

  5. tracey 5

    Its great that our pm is focused on the importance of eliminating journalists who dont blithely swallow his patter

  6. Shaz 6

    …. and in breaking news John Key sacks all the women in his cabinet except one – on the basis that he has still improved on the situation before Mabel Howard was appointed to the 1947 Labour Cabinet.

  7. tracey 7

    Lol shaz

  8. Libertad 8

    The Spanish government under General Francisco Franco used to publicly garotte (often political) prisoners in Barcelona Jail on Thursday afternoons as recently as 1974.

    The Governor of Catalonia responsible for carrying them out was Juan Antonio Samaranch – later the head of the International Olympic Committee.

    Food for thought ..

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