Brownlee promises inflatable, plastic Christchurch

Written By: - Date published: 12:19 am, April 7th, 2011 - 20 comments
Categories: Gerry Brownlee, Satire - Tags: ,

Earthquake Recovery Minister Gerry Brownlee has unveiled plans to construct a giant inflatable plastic CBD and inflatable plastic suburbs to replace buildings damaged in the Christchurch earthquake. The inflatable CBD will include a number of office buildings and a bouncy castle. To save costs, the government has rejected making the buildings here and will buy them from China.

Families will be able to rent an inflatable plastic house for $220 a week, a slightly higher figure than the rent for campervans because, as Brownlee explained “anything’s better than living in a campervan. So they have to pay more”. Toilets have yet to be arranged for the plastic houses. But inflatable outhouse covers will be supplied.

Asked about the possibility that people might want a real city, rather than an ersatz one, Brownlee responded “Well, in that case, I suppose they can always go f*ck themselves”.

At the same press conference, Social Development Minister Paula Bennett announced plans to deploy a dozen inflatable plastic factories around New Zealand cities. Workers will be paid in play money for doing fake jobs. Bennett said “Actually, it’s really important that we get people into actual work. And we actually back workers to the hilt. Actually, it doesn’t matter if the jobs and the money aren’t actually real. It’s actually about giving people some self-belief and really giving them all the backing we actually can”

Meanwhile, Foreign Affairs Minister Murray McCully has announced progress in his programme to recruit ambassadors from outside the ranks of experienced diplomats. Otto the Autopilot, most famous for his appearance in the 1980 movie Airplane!, will take up the post of New Zealand High Commissioner to India in July.

[ironically, there actually are inflatable temporary houses for disasters. Not that Brownlee appears to have looked into them]

PS. Question of the day from yesterday’s Question Time:

“How can it be appropriate for Cabinet to vote funding for a plastic waka to the largest hapū in the electorate of the Minister of Māori Affairs at a time when polling shows he is in danger of losing his seat to Labour, when an election is imminent, and without even putting the project out to tender?” – John ‘Lammington’ Boscawen

20 comments on “Brownlee promises inflatable, plastic Christchurch ”

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  1. JohnDee 1
    7 April 2011 at 1:07 am

    LoL.

  2. Bazar 2
    7 April 2011 at 6:05 am

    Is there some point to this i’m unaware of, or is this just Brownlee bashing for the sake of it?

    • Carol 2.1
      7 April 2011 at 7:23 am

      Just a piece of satire, lampooning tuppawaka cronyism.

    • William Joyce 2.2
      7 April 2011 at 7:26 am

      Bazar
      When you’re deeply, deeply concerned about how your country is being treated, and you can’t get hold of any of these people and shake them back into reality, it’s good to have a laugh and yes….mock them!
      I know you shouldn’t shake a baby but you can shake a National Party politician – there is no possibility of damage.
       
      As for “Brownlee bashing for the sake of it” – why else would you do it. It’s so much fun, you can take your kids out for a day of Brownlee-bashing and there’s even a bouncy castle.
      The kids learn about politics, how to defeat poorly constructed reasoning, how to anger the slow witted, how to recognise those who have an “over inflated” view of themselves, and it is an object lesson and warning to them about what happens to people who loose a grip on reality.
      Then there’s the games  – beach volley ball with a big Mr Blobby in a suit. Sumo wrestling in Gerry Brownlee suits. Brownlee balloons. The greasy pig is self explanatory.
      Fun for all the family (before they return home to their comfie inflatable home)>

      • Blondie 2.2.1
        7 April 2011 at 1:30 pm

        “I know you shouldn’t shake a baby but you can shake a National Party politician – there is no possibility of damage.”

        LOL.  Yes.  There is well-documented scientific evidence that shaking babies can cause severe injury to their developing brains.  However, in the absence of such a brain…..

    • Locus 2.3
      7 April 2011 at 7:30 am

      It’s very funny though ain’t it. As for bashing Brownlee just for the sake of it, I can’t think of a politician who more deserves a bit of ‘slap’stick for the outstanding level of inaction on the recovery of Christchurch.   I’m pleased that McCully and Bennett also both got a well-deserved mention.

    • Bob 2.4
      7 April 2011 at 10:31 am

      In my opinion GB has appeared throughout the Christchurch to be completely and utterly out of his depth.
      Again in my opinion, he is a lightweight in terms of stepping up without his entourage of media minders.

    • Galeandra 2.5
      7 April 2011 at 3:35 pm

      What doyou mean by ‘just’?   What else can one do with an ersatz dictator except use a lot of mockery? The man’s pure gold, to be mined at will. Captcha: obey (what he practises saying  each morning while shaving.)

  3. kriswgtn 3
    7 April 2011 at 7:39 am

    hahahha very funny
     
    esp the ‘Over inflated” they been eating far too many puddings

  4. Bored 4
    7 April 2011 at 7:42 am

    I am in line for my inflatable Jerry triple chin.

  5. marsman 5
    7 April 2011 at 9:14 am

    No doubt Brownlee and Bennett will actually personally supply the hot air for the inflatables.

  6. Bob 6
    7 April 2011 at 10:24 am
    If someone can find Gerry’s inflation valve, please please pull out the stopper!
  7. Bob 7
    7 April 2011 at 10:28 am
    If someone can find Gerry’s inflation valve, please please pull out the stopper!

     

  8. Bright Red 8
    7 April 2011 at 2:57 pm

    How did you get the word before Brownlee went public, Zet? http://westpacbusinesshub.co.nz/
    Ok, so it’s not inflatable but it is plastic by the looks of it,

  9. Drakula 9
    7 April 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Inflatables seem to be all the rage at the moment from waka’s to businesses and homes, it’s all the shlock, schlager and tack from our world of PVC!!!!!

    This is the new experiment if it could work in Christchurch it could work in New Zealand and then ze Vorld!!!!!!

    Hail Hitler!!!!

  10. Hanuman 10
    7 April 2011 at 4:46 pm

    It seems to me that you guys have have fallen for it hook, line, sinker, underpants .. the whole bit.
     
    Put yourself in the soft shoes of a Crosby Textor operative answering to the Central Committee of the National Party, and home office in Canberra in these days of instant text, social media, and satphone.
     
    Your client has had a constant stream of increasingly negative press from Christchurch. I mean, how do you top a Brit Prince ? A sex scandal in the Labour Party ? It goes on .. and you remember that the election is increasingly looming into view and the only positive you have to go with is a football code from a private british boys school.
     
    The economy is shot, your trading partners (except Canberra) are in recession, but you must break this negative narrative.
     
    What better than a plastic waka ? All of a sudden the chattering classes and media are focused on Auckland, rugby, the World Cup. It allows you to project optimism. Selling optimism wins elections.
     
    But Christchurch won’t go away – you cannot hide a major insurer in difficulties, businesses failing, lengthening dole queues.
     
    Expect more rabbits pulled out of hats.
     
     

    • lprent 10.1
      7 April 2011 at 4:56 pm

      I think that Zet just saw an opportunity for a stir. It is her/his forte… The giveaway is probably the Satire category in the header. It is probably slightly too subtle?

  11. HC 11
    7 April 2011 at 8:49 pm

    He likes pies and fatty food for God’s sake. Give him a break. He contracted mad cow disease ages ago. Feel sorry for the guy. He should be taken out of his responsibilities though and put into a mental care unit – for his and our public safe-keeping.

  12. windy.city.struggler 12
    8 April 2011 at 12:34 pm

    ‘Woodwork teacher’ may be long in the past, but the man does look as though he needs a break. As a local, it may all be too personal. He probably needs relieving by someone from outside the region.
     
    They don’t deal with that sort of stuff at Merrill Lynch.