Imperator Fish: Let’s shut down the internet

Written By: - Date published: 1:40 pm, May 22nd, 2014 - 18 comments
Categories: humour, internet, Satire, twitter - Tags: , ,

There appears to have been a hiatus in the flood of posts today. Perhaps it is because of the wise words of Imperator Fish pausing the world as they consider his wise words… And those of Speaker Carter (who appears to have a problem with most current culture). We are generously given permission to put repost these words.

I have had a good run at this blogging thing, but it seems that I may be contributing to a growing problem.

The problem is the internet.

Just about every modern-day problem can be blamed on the internet. Hackers, viruses, cyber-bullying, internet fraud, and an overwhelming preponderance of cat pictures. It’s all the internet’s fault.

This internet thing has got out of control, and it’s time to stop. Let me explain how bad the problem has become.

The Law Commission has recently pointed the finger at irresponsible bloggers who will write just about anything to get attention, and it’s now causing problems for our justice system. The recent Law Commission report into our contempt laws (which refers to “Internet blogs” at page 51, in order to distinguish them from that other type of blog) reveals that jurors are going online and using Google to find out all sorts of things about the cases they are involved in. Something must be done to stop this terrible modern innovation.

The behaviour of these irresponsible jurors is inexcusable. Why can’t they be like our judges, who I’m sure never ever use Google to check out the people before them? But even if one of our judges did go online to investigate a party to a case before them, that judge would almost certainly remain completely impartial. You see, our judges are magical beings.

And then there’s social media. It’s turning us all into narcissists and attention-seekers, and what possible good can come out of people communicating with each other and making new connections? With all this tweeting and Facebooking, our every thought, our every movement (including our bowel ones), can be shared online. It’s a terrible thing, and we’re all turning into ego-driven monsters.

Twitter’s causing all sorts of problems for people, especially those in positions of authority. It’s even being used by politicians to question the integrity of our Parliament’s Speaker. It’s all a bit tough on poor old David Carter, who I happen to think is doing a splendid job for his party. He’s possibly the best Speaker National’s ever had.

Twitter regularly gets politicians into trouble, perhaps because it allows voters to see the real side of our elected representatives. Sometimes what we see isn’t particularly pretty, so obviously we need to blame all of Twitter, rather than the tweeter.

Twitter has even been used by people to express opinions that some would rather not be heard, and it has proven to be a powerful tool for activism when properly harnessed. No wonder John Key’s agin’ it.

King CanuteAnd then there’s Google. If you have ever posted anything online, or had someone post something online about you, Google will be able to find it. This vast and powerful search engine never forgets. But imagine if you’re a dodgy doctor, a politician with an unfortunate back-story, or someone who has been caught possessing child abuse images. What if you could make that regrettable past just go away? The European Court of Justice is doing its best to accommodate the wishes of those who would like us to forget all those terrible things they once did, but in attempting to control the behemoth that is Google they are acting more like modern-day Canutes trying to command the tides.

So let’s just make their jobs easier and shut Google down.

People will do stupid things online, because people do incredibly stupid things offline all the time. People can be cruel and hurtful when they engage in online activity, but the internet doesn’t have a monopoly on cruel and hurtful behaviour.

The difference now is that when we are stupid, or cruel, or crazy or racist online, our words remain for all to see. This is obviously a major problem for those among us who are stupid, cruel, crazy or racist, because people can use the same medium to challenge or denounce, or simply share, our offensive or oafish behaviour. Before the internet I could be as racist as I liked, and only my closest friends would know I was a racist prick. Now if I go online and express an opinion about black people or Asians, I’m likely to end up in a huge fight with people. Which is obviously not fair. I was only saying what I thought everyone else was thinking.

Look, I’m not saying things were always better in the days before the internet, but they were certainly simpler and less challenging. And I bet nobody ever received a spam telegram.

So let’s all call it a day. Let’s just make everything easier for regulators, politicians and health officials. Shut down your Twitter account, delete your Facebook profile, and walk away from your blogsite. Ring your internet provider right now and tell them you’ve had enough. You need your life back. You want to go back to the way things used to be. Do you remember that golden age of humanity when we trusted everything our leaders told us, and didn’t use Google and Wikipedia to fact-check what they were saying? Do you remember how if you wanted to listen to some new band, you had to go down to the record shop or borrow your mate’s CD? Remember how hard it used to be to buy stuff from overseas?

When regulators and officials worry about the internet and propose ways of banning it, or controlling it, or punishing people for using it, what they’re really trying to do is control the information people can access. And for good reason. Information is power, so why should they let those stupid peasants have any? Why let people think for themselves?

So let’s put a stop to the internet right now. But I might just wait for others to start first, before I shut this site down. If that’s okay with you.

18 comments on “Imperator Fish: Let’s shut down the internet”

  1. lprent 1

    Of course Imperator Fish does rather destroy his case with his next post, as he agonises over the question of allowing people to comment on his posts.

    But then he throws caution to the winds as he says:-

    The problem with posing such questions here is… well, I have disabled comments. How are people meant to give me feedback on this very issue? I suppose you could send me an email, but most people won’t bother.

    So I will enable comments – just this once – in order for readers to tell me what they think.

    You have to laugh at Tom Semmens response.

    Comments! I’d keep them off. Just look how much norightturn upsets the righties. And then there is the ever present danger of Pete George showing up.

    At the risk of having a unread tirade of hurt feelings heading in my direction, I feel forced to utter a mischievous “Indeed”…

    • Tracey 1.1

      does judith know this could impact the cretacean?

      • lprent 1.1.1

        You mean he might have to learn how to hold down a real job?

        I dare say it would be a shock to the system. However after he deals with some of the Paula indoctrination at WINZ for a while, I’m sure that he will overcome his fear of change.

        Of course there is the issue of finding anyone willing to pay him for his limited range of skills.

        • Tracey 1.1.1.1

          well any recommendations from the law commission will go through the minister of Justice 😉

    • weka 1.2

      Tracey pointed to PG on Public Address the other day, and it was such a classic, top of his game comment from dear old Petey, erudite nonsense. I think his ban from ts has clarified his thinking and approach 🙂

    • veutoviper 1.3

      LOL. Indeed, indeed.

      And Russell Brown and his readers/commenters on his latest post aat Public Address are feeling the PG phenomena at present.

      Snap – Weka’s comment.

  2. Philj 2

    xox

    RIP PG.

    You have gone but are not forgotten, or forgiven.

    • lprent 2.1

      Don’t forget that he only got a time ban… He’ll be back..

      Maybe shutting down the internet?

      • greywarbler 2.1.1

        What about an RWNJ tag team. Say only ? 2 or 4 enabled in the standard at one time with a change every month. It seems unfair not to let some swim in the deep end to get the experience because others are always in the pool. Limiting numbers would enable The Standard to prevent flooding from too many not restraining themselves.

  3. Philj 3

    xox
    oh no, I didn’t know! The Gossman has carried on the baton. How many RSNJ’ s can this site handle?

    • Tracey 3.1

      if you go to the site where gosman blogs you see a clear patern and ideology.

  4. weka 4

    “But even if one of our judges did go online to investigate a party to a case before them, that judge would almost certainly remain completely impartial. You see, our judges are magical beings.”

    So where exactly do judges learn to be impartial? I assume it’s not at law school.

  5. Chooky 5

    love the picture of the kitty with its paw in its mouth!

  6. Chooky 6

    ….the internet is really really important for grassroots democracy and letting the plebs have a say

    …..anyone who wants to close down the internet or restrict internet freedom for civil discourse, discussion , knowledge , dialectic …is trying to undermine democracy and civil liberties

    • Populuxe1 6.1

      How about kiddieporn, bullying and hate speech?

      • Chooky 6.1.1

        i was talking about closing down the internet or restricting internet freedom for “civil discourse, discussion , knowledge , dialectic …is trying to undermine democracy and civil liberties”

        you are the one who is talking about “kiddieporn, bullying and hate speech”…. and you are using the internet

        • Populuxe1 6.1.1.1

          Just pointing out the other side of the net – I can’t stand black and white thinking

          • Chooky 6.1.1.1.1

            @Pop…you prefer shades of grey?…naughty , naughty …who would have thought at your age!?

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Household Living Costs hit poorer Kiwis hardest
    Standards of living for the poorest and most vulnerable New Zealanders are being eroded by rising prices for basic living costs, while National has stood idly by, says Labour’s Finance Spokesperson Grant Robertson. “Statistics New Zealand data released today is ...
    15 hours ago
  • The clock is ticking
      Labour strongly supports the latest report by the Parliamentary Commissioner for the Environment to have carbon emission targets set in legislation, carbon budgeting and an independent climate commission says Labour’s spokesperson on Climate Change Megan Woods.  “Dr Jan Wright’s ...
    17 hours ago
  • Public support keeps Healthy Homes Bill on track
    The strong call from the public for warm, dry, healthy rentals has helped the Healthy Homes Guarantee Bill to pass its second reading, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. ...
    20 hours ago
  • More proof National not delivering for New Zealanders
    The Ministry of Social Development’s latest Household Incomes Report is more hard evidence of the growing poverty in New Zealand, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. “National claims to be delivering for New Zealanders. This report puts the lie ...
    3 days ago
  • Strong support from medical community for Healthy Homes Bill
    More than a thousand medical professionals, medical students, and other New Zealanders have shown their support for Labour’s Healthy Homes Guarantee Bill, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. ...
    3 days ago
  • Labour will fund Buller Health Centre
    A Labour Government will fully fund the Buller Integrated Family Health Centre in Westport, confirming its commitment to the people of the West Coast and the role of central government to fund essential public services, says Labour’s Health spokesperson David ...
    3 days ago
  • National’s affordable promise for Auckland more smoke and mirrors
    The 26,000 additional houses National plans to build in Auckland on public land over the next decade include fewer than 5,000 affordable homes, while more than 60 per cent will be available for speculators to buy, says Leader of the ...
    3 days ago
  • National out of touch over immigration
    National’s abrupt backflip on their recently-announced changes to immigration shows they never understood the problem and just came up with a confused knee jerk response, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. “Regional communities and businesses were quite right to ...
    4 days ago
  • English out of touch on homelessness
    Bill English’s comments that he doesn’t know why people are complaining about the blowout in the number of homeless families the government is putting up in motels just shows how tired and out of touch National is after nine years, ...
    4 days ago
  • All Kiwis to have same standard of cancer care
    Labour is promising that all New Zealanders will have access to the same level of cancer care no matter where they live in the country, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little.   “As someone who has survived cancer I ...
    5 days ago
  • Infrastructure announcement too long coming
    “What took you so long?” is Labour’s response to the Government’s announcement of a new infrastructure investment vehicle. Labour’s Auckland Issues spokesperson Phil Twyford says Labour announced its policy in 2015 to debt-finance infrastructure and service that debt with targeted ...
    5 days ago
  • Time for a breather on immigration
    National has no idea how to house the record number of people entering New Zealand, let alone cope with the pressure on health, education, and transport from this record population growth, says Labour’s Immigration spokesperson Iain Lees-Galloway. ...
    7 days ago
  • Labour to invest $4 billion in education
    Labour’s Education Manifesto will bring positive change across the education sector and is backed by a massive investment, says Labour’s Education Spokesperson Chris Hipkins.  “Labour’s plan will see an extra $4 billion invested over the next four years. It’s organised ...
    7 days ago
  • National’s shame: worst homelessness in the OECD
    National’s legacy is a housing crisis that has given New Zealand the worst homeless rate in the developed world, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. ...
    7 days ago
  • Labour taking action on school donations
    Labour will end so-called voluntary school donations for the majority of parents across the country under its $4 billion plan to revitalise the education sector, says Labour Leader Andrew Little. “Labour has always been committed to a world-class free education ...
    7 days ago
  • Labour to work with Queenstown to build more houses
    Labour will work with Queenstown-Lakes District Council, iwi, and the Community Housing Trust to build the modern, affordable housing Queenstown desperately needs, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. ...
    1 week ago
  • Nats blow the Budget on motels after bowling state houses
    National is spending $140,000 a day putting homeless families in motels, the legacy of nine years of selling off and knocking down state houses, says Labour Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. ...
    1 week ago
  • New revelations in Joanne Harrison report
    The State Services Commission’s report into the treatment of whistle-blowers by Joanne Harrison has revealed new accusations against the convicted fraudster, says Labour MP Sue Moroney.  “The report found that four staff inside the Ministry of Transport who had raised ...
    1 week ago
  • Snafu at Princess Margaret
    Jonathan Coleman has to stop the stalling over a new building for mental health services in Christchurch to replace the quake damaged Princess Margaret Hospital, says Labour’s Health spokesperson David Clark. “The Government must accept that Christchurch is still recovering ...
    1 week ago
  • Labour’s fiscal plan to build a fairer New Zealand
    Labour will re-build our housing, health and education while responsibly managing New Zealand’s finances, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little.  “Under Labour’s Fiscal Plan we will deliver big investments in the services we all need and care about, invest ...
    1 week ago
  • Nats show they’re the tax dodgers’ best friends
    The government is taking the knife to IRD at a time when we need a highly skilled department to ensure that multinationals and speculators don’t get away with dodging tax, says Labour’s Revenue spokesperson Michael Wood. ...
    1 week ago
  • Labour secures the future for NZ Super
    A Labour Government will secure the future for New Zealand Superannuation so we can continue to provide superannuation to those retiring at age 65, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. “One of the first things a Labour-led Government will ...
    1 week ago
  • Multinationals must pay fair share of tax
    A Labour Government will crack down on multinational companies that are dodging paying their fair share of tax, says Labour Leader Andrew Little. “New Zealanders are missing out by hundreds of millions according to the IRD because multinational companies can ...
    1 week ago
  • ACT’s approach to children backward and ill informed
    Act’s new deputy leader’s claim that Labour’s support for families could “extend the misery of child poverty and even child abuse” is ill informed and offensive, says Labour’s Deputy Leader Jacinda Ardern. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Canterbury hatchet job a disgrace
    The Government’s glib acceptance of advice that the Canterbury District Health Board doesn’t need more money is a hatchet job and a disgrace, says Labour’s Health Spokesperson David Clark. “To claim that the DHB was using tactics to leverage more ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Quality for Kiwi kids at ECE
    After more than a decade of rapid growth in the number of children participating in Early Childhood Education (ECE), it’s time to take stock and map out a clear plan for the future, says Labour’s Education spokesperson Chris Hipkins. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Labour to boost ECE quality
    Labour will ensure kids get the best start in life by boosting funding for Early Childhood Centres to employ 100 per cent qualified and registered teachers, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Labour will stump up a million dollars for Maniototo Hospital
    A Labour led Government will make a million dollars available to rebuild the Maniototo Base hospital in Ranfurly, says the Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little.  “This will be a much needed boost for a long overdue rebuild that has ...
    2 weeks ago
  • No vision for the West Coast
    The West Coast welcomes any Government investment in our region but the lack of any real alternative vision for the West Coast’s economy is disappointing, says Damien O’Connor Labour’s West Coast-Tasman MP.  “The establishment of a Mining Research Unit will ...
    2 weeks ago
  • National’s youth work scheme too little too late
    After nine years, National’s belated attempt to provide work opportunities for unemployed youth should be seen for what it is, a half-hearted, election gimmick from a party that’s ignored the problem till now, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Kiwis won’t fall for Joyce’s spin
    Steven Joyce’s embarrassingly obvious spin on Labour’s Families Package won’t fool anyone, says Labour’s Finance spokesperson Grant Robertson. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Labour prioritises families and public services
    Labour’s Families Package delivers a bigger income boost to more than 70 per cent of families with children than Budget 2017. By not spending $1.5 billion a year on tax cuts, Labour is able to do more for lower and ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Kiwis can’t sleep in your ghost houses, Nick
    The Government’s housing infrastructure announcement is another Nick Smith special – over-promising with no detail on delivery, says Labour’s Housing spokesperson Phil Twyford. ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Labour helps older New Zealanders and low income families with winter heating bills
    Labour will further boost its commitment to warm, healthy housing with a Winter Energy Payment for superannuitants and people receiving main benefits, says Leader of the Opposition Andrew Little. “Everyone deserves a warm, healthy home to live in. But that’s ...
    3 weeks ago