web analytics

ImperatorFish: Police Defend Bloody Kindergarten Raid

Written By: - Date published: 2:12 pm, January 24th, 2012 - 1 comment
Categories: law and "order", Satire - Tags:

Scott at Imperator Fish has kindly given us permission to syndicate posts from his blog – the original of this post is here

A police raid at a kindergarten this morning has led to several deaths and multiple arrests.

Police and Armed Offender units raided the Meriwether Community Kindergarten just after morning tea, but the raid turned violent when some of the children put up a fight.

Authorities raided the heavily fortified compound following a report that a toddler was refusing to go to the naughty-corner and was behaving aggressively towards kindergarten staff.

Police spokesperson Detective Inspector Steve Fink said police had been forced to present their weapons when some of the children began to cry and refused to put down their toys.

Officers opened fire when a toddler charged at police holding what appeared to be a tub of paste.

“Police had only a few seconds to assess the risk,” said Mr Fink. “They were concerned that the paste substance might be some sort of chemical weapon, so they were left with no choice but to shoot.

“When this action failed to calm the situation in the compound, police were left with no choice but to neutralise the other persons present.”

Initial reports that up to 22 people were killed have since been corrected, with the death toll believed to stand at only eleven children and three teachers.

The raid was part of a wider operation by law enforcement officials around the world against the Kindergarten Conspiracy. Police were accompanied on the raid by liaison personnel from the FBI, after an earlier tip-off that massive and systematic copyright violations were taking place at the centre.

Police say the raid had been planned for next Monday to coincide with Little Johnny’s birthday. However, Little Johnny’s tantrum this morning forced authorities to launch the assault earlier.

Mr Fink confirmed that police found an assortment of weapons, drugs and other items of interest during the assault on the compound.

“We found large quantities of Pamol in a locked cupboard in a back room, and we also located asthma drug paraphernalia in the kindergarten bag of one of the suspects.

“We also unearthed a cache of knives and guns. This weapons stash included numerous plastic playdough knives and a staple gun.

“A playdough knife can be extremely dangerous, particularly if it is being used as a flotation device on the high seas instead of a lifejacket. If these knives had found themselves on the black market we could have seen a major spike in playdough-related drownings.”

Mr Fink also confirmed that pirated material had been found at the site, including a number of crudely drawn crayon pictures of well-known cartoon characters, and a painting of a cat that looked suspiciously like Garfield.

Mr Fink said there had been a number of problems at the Community Kindergarten since its opening in 2006. These included tantrums, the pulling of hair, and numerous toileting issues.

“It was a volatile situation, where officers were being asked to enter a very challenging environment, where literally anything could have happened,” said Detective Inspector Fink.

Some witnesses have claimed that the actions of police were brutal and unnecessary, but Association of Police Officers President Craig O’Donnell has congratulated the police for their professionalism in difficult circumstances.

“The reports I’ve heard suggest that there was a real threat to the officers involved,” said Mr O’Donnell.

“Of course any loss of life is regrettable, but there will be a full and proper internal review conducted by police on themselves, during which any issues can be sorted out.

Mr O’Donnell dismissed eyewitness claims that police had brutally massacred a room full of children.

“Now, sure, with the benefit of hindsight and following a full review it might turn out that some other form of intervention would have been more appropriate than gunning down all those children. But officers have to make decisions in an instant. They are human and they get it wrong sometimes.

“But I’m absolutely confident the review will establish that, based on the facts known to officers at the time, the decision to shoot first was a reasonable one.”

“The public can be confident there is no tougher critic of police conduct than the police. Apart from the courts. And a bunch of other people and organisations for whom I have such contempt that I will not speak their names.”

One comment on “ImperatorFish: Police Defend Bloody Kindergarten Raid ”

  1. Richard Christie 1

    You omit to report that Mr O’Donnell highlighted that the incident clearly reinforces the police case for the routine issue of anti-personnel fragmentation devices so as to ensure officer safety.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • Equitable response to Omicron vital
    The Green Party supports the Government’s decision to move Aotearoa New Zealand to traffic light level Red at 11.59pm tonight, but says its success will depend on the support that is made available to the most vulnerable. ...
    2 days ago
  • How we’re preparing for Omicron
    As countries around the world experience Omicron outbreaks, we’re taking steps now to ensure we’re as prepared as possible and our communities are protected. ...
    5 days ago
  • What’s Labour achieved so far?
    Quite a bit! This Government was elected to take on the toughest issues facing Aotearoa – and that’s what we’re doing. Since the start of the pandemic, protecting lives and livelihoods has been a priority, but we’ve also made progress on long-term challenges, to deliver a future the next generation ...
    2 weeks ago
  • Tackling the big issues in 2022
    This year, keeping Kiwis safe from COVID will remain a key priority of the Government – but we’re also pushing ahead on some of New Zealand’s biggest long-term challenges. In 2022, we’re working to get more Kiwis into homes, reduce emissions, lift children out of poverty, and ensure people get ...
    2 weeks ago

  • 5,000 portable air cleaners for schools on their way
    As schools are preparing to return, Education Minister Chris Hipkins has announced 5,000 air cleaners have been ordered for New Zealand schools. “As we know, along with vaccination, testing, good hygiene and physical distancing, good ventilation is important in minimising the risk of airborne transmission of the virus that causes ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 hours ago
  • New Zealand to move to Red from 11.59pm today
    All of New Zealand will move to the Red setting of the Covid Protection Framework (CPF) at 11:59pm today as Omicron is potentially now transmitting in the community, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern says. “Nine COVID-19 cases reported yesterday in the Nelson/Marlborough region are now confirmed as Omicron, and a further ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • Mandatory boosters for key workforces progressing well
    More than 5,785 (82%) border workers eligible for a booster vaccination at 6 months have received it so far, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins says. “That’s a really strong uptake considering we announced the requirement the week before Christmas, but we need to continue this momentum,” Chris Hipkins said. “We ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • NZ to move to Red
    Nine COVID-19 cases reported yesterday in the Nelson/Marlborough region have now been confirmed as the Omicron variant, and a further case from the same household was confirmed late yesterday. These cases are in a single family that flew to Auckland on 13 January to attend a wedding and other events ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 days ago
  • New Zealand to provide further help for Tonga
    Aotearoa New Zealand is giving an additional $2 million in humanitarian funding for Tonga as the country recovers from a volcanic eruption and tsunami last weekend, Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta and Defence Minister Peeni Henare said today. This brings Aotearoa New Zealand’s contribution to $3 million. “This support will ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Quarterly benefit numbers show highest number of exits into work
    The Government’s strong focus on supporting more people into work is reflected in benefit figures released today which show a year-on-year fall of around 21,300 people receiving a main benefit in the December 2021 quarter, Minister for Social Development and Employment Carmel Sepuloni said. “Our response to COVID has helped ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • Northland to move to Orange, NZ prepared for Omicron 
    Northland to move to Orange Rest of New Zealand stays at Orange in preparedness for Omicron All of New Zealand to move into Red in the event of Omicron community outbreak – no use of lockdowns Govt planning well advanced – new case management, close contact definition and testing rules ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • RNZAF C-130 Hercules flight departs for Tonga as Navy vessels draw nearer to Tongatapu
    A Royal New Zealand Air Force C-130 Hercules has departed Base Auckland Whenuapai for Tonga carrying aid supplies, as the New Zealand aid effort ramps up, Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta and Defence Minister Peeni Henare said today. “The aircraft is carrying humanitarian aid and disaster relief supplies, including water ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    5 days ago
  • New Zealand prepared to send support to Tonga
    New Zealand is ready to assist Tonga in its recovery from Saturday night’s undersea eruption and tsunami, Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta and Defence Minister Peeni Henare said today. “Following the successful surveillance and reconnaissance flight of a New Zealand P-3K2 Orion on Monday, imagery and details have been sent ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Aotearoa New Zealand stands ready to assist people of Tonga
    The thoughts of New Zealanders are with the people of Tonga following yesterday’s undersea volcanic eruption and subsequent tsunami waves, Foreign Affairs Minister Nanaia Mahuta says. “Damage assessments are under way and New Zealand has formally offered to provide assistance to Tonga,” said Nanaia Mahuta. New Zealand has made an ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Record high of new homes consented continues
    In the year ended November 2021, 48,522 new homes were consented, up 26 per cent from the November 2020 year. In November 2021, 4,688 new dwellings were consented. Auckland’s new homes consented numbers rose 25 per cent in the last year. Annual figures for the last nine months show more ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Report trumpets scope for ice cream exports
    Latest research into our premium ice cream industry suggests exporters could find new buyers in valuable overseas markets as consumers increasingly look for tip top quality in food. Economic Development Minister Stuart Nash has released a new report for the Food and Beverage Information Project. The project is run by ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Honouring the legacy of legendary kaumātua Muriwai Ihakara
    Associate Minister for Arts, Culture, and Heritage Kiri Allan expressed her great sadness and deepest condolences at the passing of esteemed kaumātua, Muriwai Ihakara. “Muriwai’s passing is not only a loss for the wider creative sector but for all of Aotearoa New Zealand. The country has lost a much beloved ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Have your say on proposed changes to make drinking water safer
    Associate Minister for the Environment Kiri Allan is urging all New Zealanders to give feedback on proposed changes aimed at making drinking water safer. “The current regulations are not fit for purpose and don’t offer enough protection, particularly for those whose water comes from smaller supplies,” Kiri Allan said. “This ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Planting the seeds for rewarding careers
    A boost in funding for a number of Jobs for Nature initiatives across Canterbury will provide sustainable employment opportunities for more than 70 people, Conservation Minister Kiri Allan says. “The six projects are diverse, ranging from establishing coastline trapping in Kaikōura, to setting up a native plant nursery, restoration planting ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • New Zealand congratulates Tonga's new Prime Minister on appointment
    Minister of Foreign Affairs Nanaia Mahuta today congratulated Hon Hu'akavameiliku Siaosi Sovaleni on being appointed Prime Minister of the Kingdom of Tonga. “Aotearoa New Zealand and Tonga have an enduring bond and the Kingdom is one of our closest neighbours in the Pacific. We look forward to working with Prime ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • High-tech investment extends drought forecasting for farmers and growers
    The Government is investing in the development of a new forecasting tool that makes full use of innovative climate modelling to help farmers and growers prepare for dry conditions, Agriculture Minister Damien O'Connor said.  The new approach, which will cost $200,000 and is being jointly funded through the Ministry for ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago