The Civilian has a fish-hook

Written By: - Date published: 9:37 am, September 6th, 2019 - 2 comments
Categories: humour, jacinda ardern, Satire, Social issues, uncategorized - Tags: , ,

The Civilian, operated by the person with a name that sounds just like a Morris Minor flat head 850cc shuudddering to a halt has penned an ode in accordance to its basic principles. I’d better explain those before people take its ode as being as true and correct as a Mike Hosking rant.

What is the Civilian?

The Civilian is New Zealand’s pre-eminent source of online news, and indeed the purest form of news that you can consume without having an apoplectic seizure.

Most newspapers in our country focus on the delivery of what they call “news and information.” But here at the Civilian, we’re different. We work hard to provide you with as little information as possible, so that we can focus solely upon the news.

The new piece is worth reading, but only after you have placed all hot drinks well out of reach. This is a health warning…

Ardern attempts to vaccinate Clarke Gayford live on television to prove that it’s safe

A bold public relations move by the Government to encourage parents to vaccinate their children has gone horribly wrong.

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern appeared on tonight’s episode of Three’s The Project, where the plan was for her to personally vaccinate her widely beloved fisherman-come-partner Clarke Gayford.

Public relations consultants in the Labour Party figured it would be a good way to allay the fears of the vaccine-wary public, while also providing a cute on-air moment to boost the Prime Minister’s personal favourability.

The Project was considered an ideal place for the stunt, due to its relaxed nature and the world’s most easily amused studio audience.

But the plan began to unravel live on national television as Gayford became mortally afraid of the needle, and resisted the MMR vaccine.

What The Civilian then ‘reports’ is easily as amusing as watching Boris Johnson trying to control the British Parliament with the dominating force of his obnoxious personality and minimal parliamentary skills. 

And he concludes with several neat skewers and a fish hook to a previous post.

The Government is calling the on-air vaccination a success, but medical experts believe the chaotic scenes, blood, and Gayford repeatedly screaming “HELP!” into the camera may have had a negative impact.

“This is a complete disaster,” said the Immunisation Advisory Centre’s Nikki Turner. “Vaccination rates may never recover from this.”

Anti-vax groups are also unconvinced, saying the stunt was “meaningless” without a follow-up test to see if Clarke is now autistic.

Tonight’s stunt hearkens back to the time Prime Minister John Key ate a kiwi live on television just to see if we were missing out on anything.

2 comments on “The Civilian has a fish-hook ”

  • Comments are now closed

  1. woodart 1
    6 September 2019 at 9:43 am

    one of the funnier blogs around. recommended regular intake

  2. SHG 2
    6 September 2019 at 11:27 am

    The Civilian’s take on the Kiwibuild fiasco was genius.