Wanaka Has No Crime

Written By: - Date published: 5:06 pm, December 28th, 2023 - 47 comments
Categories: Deep stuff, sustainability, tourism, uncategorized - Tags:

Wanaka banned single-use coffee cups this year.

The purpose of everyone in New Zealand is to keep Wanaka pure.

In Wanaka when you buy your third free trade single source coffee, they bring you the Guyanan slave you’re about to set free, and a selfie.

In Wanaka the supermarkets are empty of people and everything is door-delivered by bicycle.

Every bread roll is rolled on the thigh of a teenage Brazilian.

A teenager without a global triathalon or skiing medal may as well come from Dunedin. Or worse Oamaru.

Outside Wanaka there is a mountain of rusted car bodies where the border guards haul everyone out of petrol cars and just shoot them.

The Principal at Aspiring College makes students recite all their mornings’ muesli ingredients.

Parents formed Rhythm and Vines to ensure no teenager ever set foot in Wanaka and it’s worked for a decade.

Queenstown is to Wanaka what Bangladesh is to Bhutan.

Owning an acre means you made it, anything smaller means you’re renter class.

The purebred forcefield kills all mixed dogs trying to get into Wanaka.

Doctors only allow you to have sex once they can count your abs.

Maori have to make an appointment.

Jesus came down from the clouds with a sword, looked around, shrugged with a “fair enough”, and popped straight back up.

Maori in Wanaka with South Island Landless Natives Act land require a full Environment Court hearing before being allowed to do anything with it.

During the egg crisis the caged dozens were just left on the shelves.

The New Year fireworks will celebrate that over half the population signed a petition against having just one fast food restaurant, so last month McDonalds actually withdrew its resource consent application.

Only Auckland refugees still need to talk about money. It’s easier after your sixth million.

There’s no need to go on holiday since you’re already there.

All poor people, social workers, ex-convicts, hotel workers, drivers, waiters, and idiots are granted invisibility cloaks.

Wanaka has no poor people, no drugs, no inequality, and the people sleeping in vans are actually the help so don’t complain.

No one in Wanaka ever got COVID …

… because perfect health is a gift.

47 comments on “Wanaka Has No Crime ”

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  1. aj 1
    28 December 2023 at 6:11 pm

    Almost satire.

  2. Chess Player 2
    28 December 2023 at 6:33 pm

    Links please?

  3. bwaghorn 3
    28 December 2023 at 7:14 pm

    You forgot that they're all cabon pure because they offset!!

  5. Adrian 5
    29 December 2023 at 7:53 am

    Ohh.. Wānaka, I thought you were talking about Wānkers.
    Very funny, congrats.

  6. Robert Guyton 6
    29 December 2023 at 11:21 am

    Best of all, the town's name has no English equivalent.

    • Grey Area 6.2
      29 December 2023 at 12:19 pm

      Classic! laugh

      But careful, or Mr Philistine will invent one, and rule that we have to use it.

    • Ghostwhowalks 6.3
      5 January 2024 at 12:10 pm

      It was …. renamed twice. The first surveyors called the settlement they laid out Wanaka after the lake. The ' english first' people back in Dunedin in 1863 werent having that so crossed it out and put Pembroke ( some british cabinet ministers family title…arrrgh).

      It remained as Pembroke until 1940 when it was renamed back again.

  7. Tricledrown 7
    29 December 2023 at 12:09 pm

    Wanaka will be NZ's biggest inland City. Land speculation is how Wanaka is growing no downturn 'no real industry other than tourism.

    • Graeme 7.1
      29 December 2023 at 1:24 pm

      It's not so much speculation that drives Wānaka's economy, rather cash burn by people who think they are speculating. All going to come to a sad and messy end for some people with the inevitable recession the current Government is bringing on. Exactly the same over the hill in Whakatipu.

      <

      p style=”text-align:justify”>Wānaka's future is certainly as a sort of city, but a rather odd one with lots of high end suburbs, but nowhere for the workers to live, and lots of competing commercial areas, but no real centre. Almost the exact opposite of the Wānaka Advantage describes

    • Pat 7.2
      29 December 2023 at 4:18 pm

      A long way to go before it reaches city status….QLDC growth projections have it less than halfway there in 2048.

  8. Incognito 8
    29 December 2023 at 1:09 pm

    Wanaka’s wastewater is so pure it is recycled without any treatment – it contains no COVID-19 RNA or drug residues, which makes it so rare and special; it is bottled and sold in overseas markets as is under the brand Wanaka’s Wellspring Water and comes in two versions: 100% Pure & Natural and Pākehā Probiotics.

    All Wanaka women over the age of 21 will have exactly 2.1 children without undue political interference or other meddling from the outside world. They do not have sex and only use IVF.

    The only YouTube channel watched in Wanaka is Goop (duh!).

    The Wanaka meritocracy does not pay tax or even utter the vulgar word; they donate to charities and certain political parties through philanthropic trust funds.

    The only dentist in Wanaka has a VIP waiting room with a wine & cocktail bar that is fully staffed and with a live Foxtrot band silently playing in the background. They offer a special service for cleaning and polishing white pearls.

    When Kissinger died all flags in Wanaka were flown half-mast for 100 hours.

    In Wanaka, the valet service station does not use compressed air to inflate tires but helium. It only sells thoroughbred Arab fuel.

    Wanaka Whisky and golden showers are a vile rumour spread by communists, as they are not connected and there is no direct line between them.

    The plumber in Wanaka has a New Zealand Certificate in Manufacturing Jewellery and an MBA (Chicago – Booth).

  9. Bearded Git 9
    29 December 2023 at 1:55 pm

    The bread rolls should be rolled on the thighs of a Cuban virgin.

    The Big Mac application has been delayed only in order that more info can be provided.

    Tarras international airport is coming (Tarras to Paris). This will transform the Wanaka you and Incog so lovingly describe.

  10. SPC 10
    29 December 2023 at 6:48 pm

    While Wanaka knows it has no crime, because those who afforded their property by this means did so elsewhere, until 2000 Australia thought it solved the problem of affordable housing.

    https://www.bbc.com/news/world-australia-67723760

  11. lprent 11
    30 December 2023 at 12:20 pm

    All I remember about being in Wanaka was the duck itch from the burrowing parasites (and no – I am not talking about the humons). Even gets into under the neoprene.

    • weka 11.1
      30 December 2023 at 1:19 pm

      trick is to towel dry off as soon as you get out of the water (childhood holidays in Wanaka), although the kids used to get sent up to the campground sometimes to shower too. I suspect some people are more susceptible than others, but it was the kids in and out of the water and not drying out that got the itch.

      • lprent 11.1.1
        30 December 2023 at 1:30 pm

        🙂 Problem is that I was born in Auckland with warm seawater in my social holiday genetics. Drying off wasn’t really a thing I grew up having to do unless I went swimming in mid-winter. Even then, it was more getting out of the wind rather than drying off.

        Didn’t spend any time in the South Island until I was doing a masters in Dunedin. It was bad enough getting into lake water fed from glaciers. The duck itch was kind of the last straw.

        • weka 11.1.1.1
          30 December 2023 at 6:37 pm

          southern oceans for me, but despite that I think the getting dry straight away was def a Wanaka thing.

    • SPC 11.2
      30 December 2023 at 4:37 pm

      So Wanaka, for different reasons, is like those places where one no longer swims in the local rivers. It's nice that the river is there or the lake is there, the ambience is good when walking past, but ….

      • weka 11.2.2
        30 December 2023 at 6:48 pm

        nah, the Southern lakes are all fine for swimming and the rivers too. In large part because the regulations around intensified farming are stricter higher up the catchment. It's the lowland rivers that we have failed to protect and have become unswimmable.

        The duck itch in Wanaka issue, is pretty localised. The main bay at the town is shallow, warm, and lots of ducks, but it's really a seasonal thing too. Plenty of people swim there with no problem.

        • Bearded Git 11.2.2.1
          30 December 2023 at 8:07 pm

          Exactly weka….I and others have jumped in off my Noelex 22 in the middle of the lake many times without any sign of duck itch. I did get it once swimming in the warm shallows however.

  13. Belladonna 13
    30 December 2023 at 3:13 pm

    Looks as though some families may be facing expulsion from the crime-free People's Republic of Wanaka…

    https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/wanaka-police-warn-parents-about-teen-drinking-and-violent-behaviour/ULT2CD3UZ5DJDFVHMBV5PAPIFQ/

    • weka 13.1
      30 December 2023 at 3:54 pm

      he's not holding back! Good for him re the prosecution warning. Would have been better if he'd named the age range, I'm guessing the use of the word children means teens up to age 17.

      • Belladonna 13.1.1
        30 December 2023 at 4:24 pm

        Prob under 18 – official drinking age.

        [Edit – this is probably what you meant in different words, Sorry]

        Kids below that age should not have access to alcohol unsupervised. I mean, no one is going to censure you for letting your 16-year-old have a sip of shandy on a hot day – supervised by parents; but allowing them to be at the holiday home, unsupervised, with parent-supplied alcohol – is quite another matter.

        • Pat 13.1.1.1
          30 December 2023 at 4:46 pm

          Wanaka has been a teen/young adult destination for (particularly) new years partying for quite some time…..if not Wanaka, it will be somewhere else.

          • Graeme 13.1.1.1.1
            30 December 2023 at 6:04 pm

            Yeah, this isn’t a recent occurrence. Underages getting off their faces at New Year in Central has been going on for ever. Strong statements from the plods pretty much every year as well.
            There will be a very large number of extra police in Central to deal with any mayhem, sometimes it’s a really cruzy gig, we don’t have the riots we had 30 years ago.

            • Pat 13.1.1.1.1.1
              30 December 2023 at 6:36 pm

              A policeman's lot is not a happy one.

              Fortunately none of my lot ever asked to head down there for New Years.

    • SPC 13.2
      30 December 2023 at 5:41 pm

      The police cannot stop someone from residing in a home (their parents own) without adult supervision if they are over 13-14 – or to hold gatherings with invited guests.

      They might be able to confiscate all the alcohol on the premises to prevent underage drinking,

      They might create a holding cell for drunk teens by the lake, one they can escape by going into the water and then ashore – so they wake up with duck itch.

      • weka 13.2.1
        30 December 2023 at 6:33 pm

        Brooks warned parents would be prosecuted for sending children away on unsupervised holidays to Wānaka with boxes of beer.

        Wānaka police previously successfully prosecuted a parent for supplying his 14-year-old daughter with alcohol following last summer’s events.

        from the NZH link.

        • weka 13.2.1.1
          30 December 2023 at 6:44 pm

          I'm guessing this is the law they used,

          If you are the parent or legal guardian of a minor, and you wish to supply them with alcohol, it must be done in a safe and reasonable manner. Failure to do so is punishable by a fine of up to $2000.

          https://www.police.govt.nz/advice/drugs-and-alcohol/alcohol-laws-and-penalties

          • Robert Guyton 13.2.1.1.1
            30 December 2023 at 6:50 pm

            In Advantage's Wanaka, no one becomes inebriated.

            Very frustrating for the yoofs on New Years Eve!

          • SPC 13.2.1.1.2
            30 December 2023 at 8:09 pm

            The problem with the legislation, it only allows a subsequent prosecution – and only if the supplier of the alcohol is identified (and over 18).

            To end the party scene of under 18's gathering at a family home requires confiscation of all the alcohol on the premises … where there is no adult (parental) supervision of their child's drinking and or a failure to provide a declaration from the parents of the guests as to permission to be under this other parent supervision while their own teens are drinking there.

            Maybe Wanaka can seek parliamentary legislation for a bylaw to keep Wanaka pure … apart from duck itch.

            Back in the day resorts, beaches and some camps would have activities – races on the beach, films in evenings etc.

            Today maybe a youth venue (big screen music videos, DJ's and dancing etc and licence a monopoly of unofficial supply of some well tested half strength ecstacy, some low THC level smokes and some low alcohol level punch – wine cut with water and fruit juice – more so as the night goes on).

  14. Tiger Mountain 14
    30 December 2023 at 7:51 pm

    If capitalist appropriation of socially produced wealth is considered criminal, then there are obviously career crims aplenty in White Wanaka.

  15. Mike the Lefty 15
    30 December 2023 at 9:32 pm

    I still am not certain what the point is here but it looks very much like one of Martyn Bradbury's rants on The Daily Blog

  16. Hunter Thompson II 16
    31 December 2023 at 9:31 am

    Owning an acre means you made it?

    Sorry, but that just won't cut it. To be at the top in Wanaka, you need your own helicopter, complete with pad in the back yard and and pilot available 24/7.