Cameron Slater gets starring role in TVNZ drama
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2:21 pm, February 18th, 2014 - 23 comments
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Susan Nact reporting.
In a dramatic turn of events, cadet reporter Tracy Whatshite (drinking in a Ponsonby cafe), found an envelope labelled “Top Secret, Property of TVNZ”.
We can reveal that inside was a script for a new television series that will be screening on Channel Two later this year. The new drama, has a working title of “’Allo, ‘allo, ‘allo, ‘allo” and is set in a greasy spoon cafe in a back street off Ponsonby Road. The series is based on the British tv series “Allo allo” from the 1980’s. The series has been cast and we can confirm Cameron Slater has the lead role of Rene, the sweaty cafe owner, whose body mass index is over 35.
We now give you a preview of the opening scene.
In the cafe Rene (Cameron Slater) is taping on a telegraph.
Dot, dot, dot. dash! Dash! Dash…………dot, dot, dot com…………….dash! dash! Dash!
His wife Edith (played by Judith Collins, wearing a Trelise Cooper jacket) enters from a back room .
Edith: “Rene, what are you doing, sitting there with that old morse code machine. The war is over. We no longer need to spy on the Germans”.
Rene: “You stupid woman. We now have new Germans to spy on. Germans who threaten our way of life, the National government, John Banks. Even John Key”.
Edith: “The German’s at the mansion! (moves closer to Rene and whispers discreetly) “Listen very carefully, I will say this only once. Don’t try too hard to bring Dot.com down. If he brings Key down, someone will need to replace him”. She exits quietly through the back door.
Just before lunchtime, the first customer of the day arrives. It is Rachel Glucina, gossip columnist for the NZ Herald, played by herself.
Rachel goes up to Rene takes him in her arms and kisses him passionately.
Rachel “Reeeeneeee, you drive me me wild with your body mass index way over thirty five and the smell of …..is that burnt coffee beans emantating from your orrifice……………….we must run away together. How about to National Party headquarters.”
Rene: “Rachel you know we can’t escape yet. We need more information. What do you have today Rachel”
Rachel: “A short black thanks”
Rene: “You stupid woman, I didn’t mean what would you like to drink! What do you have for me? What’s been happening at the mansion.”
Rachel: “ Listen very carefully, I will say this only once. Mrs Dot.com leaves the Mansion everyday, goes to the gym, has a coffee with Sally and Jamie Ridge. They discuss lipsticks, handbags and this season’s fashion colours”.
Rene: “You stupid woman. I am not interested in Mrs Dot.com, unless she is sleeping with someone famous in politics. What I want to know is who is visiting the mansion?”
Rachel: “ Renneeeee you drive me wild when you talk to me like that…………….”
Rene: “ For god sake woman. Do you want us to get caught. Spill the shit and spill it now, I have other customers about to arrive”.
Rachel: “Listen very care……..
Rene: “ Yes, yes yes………….who has been visiting the Mansion?”
Rachel: “Norman twice, Peters three times. I will go now Rene. Now you have had your way with me, I feel all revitilized. Like a new woman. I can keep going writing those crappy little columns for that crappy little paper”. Rachel exits cafe.
Half an hour later Rene sits alone in the cafe. The door swings open. In walks the General Manager of Progressive Enterprises, Dave Chambers (played by Russell Crowe). He is wearing a tee-shirt with a dingo on it.
Renee: (looks up) “ What do you have today Dave?”
Dave: “What do you mean, what do I have?”
Renee: “Would you like a coffee?”
Dave: “ Look here you worthless piece of trash, I can stock Nescafe, Greggs and L’Affaire at half the price of this shit you serve here. I’ll have a trim flat white, but I’m only paying you $1.50 for it”.
Rene: “Quite right. But what have you found out from the Mansion?”
Dave: “Listen very carefully, I will say this only once. Those bastards are now distributing directly from the house”
Rene : “Oh my God! What on earth do you mean?”
Dave: “They have stopped their t.v. advertising with Mrs Chrisco and now they have an endless number of distributors coming to and from the mansion. Sneaking out Christmas hampers. Undercuttng our Christmas trade. And they are well organised. Russel Norman was there twice in November. The month before Christmas. Peters, he’s been there three times”.
Rene: “ You stupid man, Chriscos no longer own the mansion. Kim Dot. Com does.”
Dave: “Shit that’s worse. He could really undercut us. I have got to get back to base. We going have to keep running those crappy adds with the working class family to keep the general public on side”. (exits hurriedly).
Later on, a third customer arrives. The mystery customer enters wearing American army combat gear and chewing gum. He is played by an aged Sly Stallone.
Rene: “ What do you have today??”
Mystery man: “I need your code name first?”
Rene: “Whale Oil. How come its not the guy from Wellington anymore?”
Mystery man: “ Oh they are doing a re-structure down there. They’ve handed this one over to us. Its in the TPP”.
Rene:“So what do you have today?”
Mystery man: ”Listen very carefully, I will say this only once. Norman twice. Peters three times”.
Rene:“ You stupid man. Even a gossip columnist could tell me that! We want Cunliffe. Surely Cunliffe was there?”
Mystery man: “Easy buddy. I can’t give you Cunliffe. He wasn’t there. Not at the Mansion. I think he’s been at Waitangi.”
Rene: “Coffee? Something from the top shelf?”
Mystery man “No I gotta cut loose now. I am off to spy on Grey Power. Who knows what they are up to now the asset petition is over.” (exits swiftly).
It is now near closing time and the fourth customer of the day comes in, John Key, played by himself.
JK: “Hi Cam, I mean Rene. Just thought I pop in for one of our weekly chats. What have you got?”
Rene: “ A latte, your ususal???”
JK: “You stupid man, I mean what dirt have you got?”
Rene: “Big stuff. Real big. Peters, Norman. It’s all going on”.
JK: “ What do you mean, they’re lovers, they’ve been having it off at parliament, in the Parliamentary Library??? Fantastic. That’s one to put in my top draw”.
Rene: “No, no, no. Better than that”
JK: “What with Cunliffe! I knew it. I knew the son of a preacher, happily married to a woman he met at university would have to have some scandal”.
Rene: “No not Cunliffe. Got nothing on him. Its better than that”
JK: “ What Peters with an Asian woman??? Not BC! Why that’s terrific. Great work.”
Rene: “No not that”.
JK: “What then?”
Rene: “Norman and Peters have visited the mansion. Five times between them”.
JK: “That’s it? That’s all you have?”
Rene: “Well if you bring it up, the MSM will be all over it like a rash and then you won’t have to answer questions in parliament on child poverty”.
JK: “Brilliant!”
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Our two-tiered system for veterans’ support is out of step with our closest partners, and all parties in Parliament should work together to fix it, Labour veterans’ affairs spokesperson Greg O’Connor said. ...3 days ago - Release: Penny drops – but what about Seymour and Peters?Stripping two Ministers of their portfolios just six months into the job shows Christopher Luxon’s management style is lacking, Labour Leader Chris Hipkins said. ...3 days ago
- Another ‘Stolen Generation’ enabled by court ruling on Waitangi Tribunal summonsTonight’s court decision to overturn the summons of the Children’s Minister has enabled the Crown to continue making decisions about Māori without evidence, says Te Pāti Māori spokesperson for Children, Mariameno Kapa-Kingi. “The judicial system has this evening told the nation that this government can do whatever they want when ...3 days ago
- Release: Budget blunder shows Nicola Willis could cut recovery fundingIt appears Nicola Willis is about to pull the rug out from under the feet of local communities still dealing with the aftermath of last year’s severe weather, and local councils relying on funding to build back from these disasters. ...4 days ago
- Further environmental mismanagement on the cards
The Government’s resource management reforms will add to the heavy and ever-growing burden this Government is loading on to our environment. ...4 days ago - Release: RMA changes will be a disaster for environmentThe Government is making short-sighted changes to the Resource Management Act (RMA) that will take away environmental protection in favour of short-term profits, Labour’s environment spokesperson Rachel Brooking said today. ...4 days ago
- Release: Labour supports urgent changes to emergency management systemLabour welcomes the release of the report into the North Island weather events and looks forward to working with the Government to ensure that New Zealand is as prepared as it can be for the next natural disaster. ...4 days ago
- Release: Labour calls for New Zealand to recognise PalestineThe Labour Party has called for the New Zealand Government to recognise Palestine, as a material step towards progressing the two-State solution needed to achieve a lasting peace in the region. ...5 days ago
- Release: Three strikes law political posturing of worst kindThe Government is bringing back a law that has little evidential backing just to look tough, Labour justice spokesperson Duncan Webb said. ...5 days ago
- Release: Government cuts unbelievably target child exploitation, violent extremism, ports and airpor...Some of our country’s most important work, stopping the sexual exploitation of children and violent extremism could go along with staff on the frontline at ports and airports. ...5 days ago
- Three strikes has failed before and will fail againResurrecting the archaic three-strikes legislation is an unwelcome return to a failed American-style approach to justice. ...5 days ago
- Release: Environmental protection vital, not ‘onerous’The Government’s Fast Track Approvals Bill will give projects such as new coal mines a ‘get out of jail free’ card to wreak havoc on the environment, Labour Leader Chris Hipkins said today. ...5 days ago
- Ferris – Three Strikes targets those ‘too brown to be white’The government's decision to reintroduce Three Strikes is a destructive and ineffective piece of law-making that will only exacerbate an inherently biased and racist criminal justice system, said Te Pāti Māori Justice Spokesperson, Tākuta Ferris, today. During the time Three Strikes was in place in Aotearoa, Māori and Pasifika received ...5 days ago
- Release: Govt cuts doctors and nurses in hiring freezeCuts to frontline hospital staff are not only a broken election promise, it shows the reckless tax cuts have well and truly hit the frontline of the health system, says Labour Health spokesperson Ayesha Verrall. ...1 week ago
- Fast-track submissions period must be extendedThe Green Party has joined the call for public submissions on the fast-track legislation to be extended after the Ombudsman forced the Government to release the list of organisations invited to apply just hours before submissions close. ...1 week ago
- Release: Progress on climate will be undone by GovtNew Zealand’s good work at reducing climate emissions for three years in a row will be undone by the National government’s lack of ambition and scrapping programmes that were making a difference, Labour Party climate spokesperson Megan Woods said today. ...1 week ago
- Release: Dark day for Kiwi kids as a third of Govt cuts affect themNews that 1000 jobs at the Ministry of Education and Oranga Tamariki could go is devastating for future generations of New Zealanders. ...1 week ago
- Release: Alarm as Government signals further blow to school lunchesMore essential jobs could be on the chopping block, this time Ministry of Education staff on the school lunches team are set to find out whether they're in line to lose their jobs. ...1 week ago
- Oranga Tamariki cuts commit tamariki to state abuseTe Pāti Māori is disgusted at the confirmation that hundreds are set to lose their jobs at Oranga Tamariki, and the disestablishment of the Treaty Response Unit. “This act of absolute carelessness and out of touch decision making is committing tamariki to state abuse.” Said Te Pāti Māori Oranga Tamariki ...1 week ago
- Release: Quick, submit – stop Govt’s dodgy approvals billThe Government is trying to bring in a law that will allow Ministers to cut corners and kill off native species, Labour environment spokesperson Rachel Brooking said. ...2 weeks ago
- Government throws coal on the climate crisis fireThe Government’s policy announced today to ease consenting for coal mining will have a lasting impact across generations. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Public transport costs to double as National looks at unaffordable roading project insteadCancelling urgently needed new Cook Strait ferries and hiking the cost of public transport for many Kiwis so that National can announce the prospect of another tunnel for Wellington is not making good choices, Labour Transport Spokesperson Tangi Utikere said. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Cost of living in Auckland still not a priorityA laundry list of additional costs for Tāmaki Makarau Auckland shows the Minister for the city is not delivering for the people who live there, says Labour Auckland Issues spokesperson Shanan Halbert. ...2 weeks ago
- Te Pāti Māori to visit Queensland to strengthen ties with Māori in AustraliaTe Pāti Māori co-leader Rawiri Waititi, and Mema Paremata mō Tāmaki-Makaurau, Takutai Tarsh Kemp, will travel to the Gold Coast to strengthen ties with Māori in Australia next week (15-21 April). The visit, in the lead-up to the 9th Australian National Kapa haka Festival, will be an opportunity for both ...2 weeks ago
- Greens look to fast-track submissions on harmful lawThe Green Party has today launched a step-by-step guide to help New Zealanders make their voice heard on the Government’s democracy dodging and anti-environment fast track legislation. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Govt should stop making people’s lives harder and build more homesThe National Government’s proposed changes to the Residential Tenancies Act will mean tenants can be turfed from their homes by landlords with little notice, Labour housing spokesperson Kieran McAnulty said. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Melissa Lee missing in action on mediaThe action Melissa Lee promised to protect democracy and the media sector is missing, Media and Communications spokesperson Willie Jackson said. ...2 weeks ago
- Landlord Government leaves little hope for rentersThe Government’s announcement on tenancy rules prove that it does not care about renters. ...2 weeks ago
- Opportunity to build a more sustainable economyGreen Party co-leader Marama Davidson is calling on all parties to support a common-sense change that’s great for the planet and great for consumers after her member’s bill was drawn from the ballot today. ...2 weeks ago
- Significant step forward in fixing cruel and unjust pastA significant milestone has been reached in the fight to strike an anti-Pasifika and unfair law from the country’s books after Teanau Tuiono’s members’ bill passed its first reading. ...2 weeks ago
- Missed opportunity but NZ will surely one day recognise the right to a sustainable environmentNew Zealand has today missed the opportunity to uphold the right to a clean, healthy, and sustainable environment, says James Shaw after his member’s bill was voted down in its first reading. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Don’t cut our lunches – clear message sent to GovernmentTens of thousands of people are demanding the Government commits to fully funding free and healthy school lunches. ...2 weeks ago
- Release: Govt makes U-turn on Suicide Prevention OfficeLabour welcomes the Government’s U-turn on the closure of the Suicide Prevention Office, says Labour Mental Health spokesperson Ingrid Leary. ...3 weeks ago
- CCC issues warning over further climate delayToday’s advice from the Climate Change Commission paints a sobering reality of the challenge we face in combating climate change, especially in light of recent Government policy announcements. ...3 weeks ago
- Luxon targets lame and lousy example of leadershipIf talk is cheap, Chris Luxon’s “targets” are bankrupt. ...3 weeks ago
- Luxon targets are lousy example of leadershipIf talk is cheap, Chris Luxon’s “targets” are bankrupt. ...3 weeks ago
- Release: Commitment to disability communities missing from Govt prioritiesMinister for Disability Issues Penny Simmonds appears to have delayed a report back to Cabinet on the progress New Zealand is making against international obligations for disabled New Zealanders. ...3 weeks ago
- Diplomacy needed more than ever
Foreign Minister Winston Peters’ engagements in Türkiye this week underlined the importance of diplomacy to meet growing global challenges. “Returning to the Gallipoli Peninsula to represent New Zealand at Anzac commemorations was a sombre reminder of the critical importance of diplomacy for de-escalating conflicts and easing tensions,” Mr Peters ...3 hours ago - Anzac Commemorative Address, Buttes New British Cemetery BelgiumAmbassador Millar, Burgemeester, Vandepitte, Excellencies, military representatives, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen – good morning and welcome to this sacred Anzac Day dawn service. It is an honour to be here on behalf of the Government and people of New Zealand at Buttes New British Cemetery, Polygon Wood – a deeply ...18 hours ago
- Anzac Commemorative Address – NZ National Service, Chunuk BairDistinguished guests - It is an honour to return once again to this site which, as the resting place for so many of our war-dead, has become a sacred place for generations of New Zealanders. Our presence here and at the other special spaces of Gallipoli is made ...2 days ago
- Anzac Commemorative Address – Dawn Service, Gallipoli, TürkiyeMai ia tawhiti pamamao, te moana nui a Kiwa, kua tae whakaiti mai matou, ki to koutou papa whenua. No koutou te tapuwae, no matou te tapuwae, kua honoa pumautia. Ko nga toa kua hinga nei, o te Waipounamu, o te Ika a Maui, he okioki tahi me o ...2 days ago
- PM announces changes to portfoliosPaul Goldsmith will take on responsibility for the Media and Communications portfolio, while Louise Upston will pick up the Disability Issues portfolio, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon announced today. “Our Government is relentlessly focused on getting New Zealand back on track. As issues change in prominence, I plan to adjust Ministerial ...3 days ago
- New catch limits for unique fishery areasRecreational catch limits will be reduced in areas of Fiordland and the Chatham Islands to help keep those fisheries healthy and sustainable, Oceans and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones says. The lower recreational daily catch limits for a range of finfish and shellfish species caught in the Fiordland Marine Area and ...3 days ago
- Minister welcomes hydrogen milestoneEnergy Minister Simeon Brown has welcomed an important milestone in New Zealand’s hydrogen future, with the opening of the country’s first network of hydrogen refuelling stations in Wiri. “I want to congratulate the team at Hiringa Energy and its partners K one W one (K1W1), Mitsui & Co New Zealand ...4 days ago
- Urgent changes to system through first RMA Amendment BillThe coalition Government is delivering on its commitment to improve resource management laws and give greater certainty to consent applicants, with a Bill to amend the Resource Management Act (RMA) expected to be introduced to Parliament next month. RMA Reform Minister Chris Bishop has today outlined the first RMA Amendment ...4 days ago
- Overseas decommissioning models consideredOverseas models for regulating the oil and gas sector, including their decommissioning regimes, are being carefully scrutinised as a potential template for New Zealand’s own sector, Resources Minister Shane Jones says. The Coalition Government is focused on rebuilding investor confidence in New Zealand’s energy sector as it looks to strengthen ...4 days ago
- Release of North Island Severe Weather Event InquiryEmergency Management and Recovery Minister Mark Mitchell has today released the Report of the Government Inquiry into the response to the North Island Severe Weather Events. “The report shows that New Zealand’s emergency management system is not fit-for-purpose and there are some significant gaps we need to address,” Mr Mitchell ...4 days ago
- Justice Minister to attend Human Rights CouncilJustice Minister Paul Goldsmith is today travelling to Europe where he’ll update the United Nations Human Rights Council on the Government’s work to restore law and order. “Attending the Universal Periodic Review in Geneva provides us with an opportunity to present New Zealand’s human rights progress, priorities, and challenges, while ...5 days ago
- Patterson reopens world’s largest wool scouring facilityAssociate Agriculture Minister, Mark Patterson, formally reopened the world’s largest wool processing facility today in Awatoto, Napier, following a $50 million rebuild and refurbishment project. “The reopening of this facility will significantly lift the economic opportunities available to New Zealand’s wool sector, which already accounts for 20 per cent of ...5 days ago
- Speech to the Southland Otago Regional Engineering Collective Summit, 18 April 2024Hon Andrew Bayly, Minister for Small Business and Manufacturing At the Southland Otago Regional Engineering Collective (SOREC) Summit, 18 April, Dunedin Ngā mihi nui, Ko Andrew Bayly aho, Ko Whanganui aho Good Afternoon and thank you for inviting me to open your summit today. I am delighted ...5 days ago
- Government to introduce revised Three Strikes lawThe Government is delivering on its commitment to bring back the Three Strikes legislation, Associate Justice Minister Nicole McKee announced today. “Our Government is committed to restoring law and order and enforcing appropriate consequences on criminals. We are making it clear that repeat serious violent or sexual offending is not ...5 days ago
- New diplomatic appointmentsForeign Minister Winston Peters has today announced four new diplomatic appointments for New Zealand’s overseas missions. “Our diplomats have a vital role in maintaining and protecting New Zealand’s interests around the world,” Mr Peters says. “I am pleased to announce the appointment of these senior diplomats from the ...5 days ago
- Humanitarian support for Ethiopia and SomaliaNew Zealand is contributing NZ$7 million to support communities affected by severe food insecurity and other urgent humanitarian needs in Ethiopia and Somalia, Foreign Minister Rt Hon Winston Peters announced today. “Over 21 million people are in need of humanitarian assistance across Ethiopia, with a further 6.9 million people ...5 days ago
- Arts Minister congratulates Mataaho CollectiveMinister for Arts, Culture and Heritage Paul Goldsmith is congratulating Mataaho Collective for winning the Golden Lion for best participant in the main exhibition at the Venice Biennale. "Congratulations to the Mataaho Collective for winning one of the world's most prestigious art prizes at the Venice Biennale. “It is good ...6 days ago
- Supporting better financial outcomes for KiwisThe Government is reforming financial services to improve access to home loans and other lending, and strengthen customer protections, Commerce and Consumer Affairs Minister Andrew Bayly and Housing Minister Chris Bishop announced today. “Our coalition Government is committed to rebuilding the economy and making life simpler by cutting red tape. We are ...6 days ago
- Trade relationship with China remains strong“China remains a strong commercial opportunity for Kiwi exporters as Chinese businesses and consumers continue to value our high-quality safe produce,” Trade and Agriculture Minister Todd McClay says. Mr McClay has returned to New Zealand following visits to Beijing, Harbin and Shanghai where he met ministers, governors and mayors and engaged in trade and agricultural events with the New ...6 days ago
- PM’s South East Asia mission does the businessPrime Minister Christopher Luxon has completed a successful trip to Singapore, Thailand and the Philippines, deepening relationships and capitalising on opportunities. Mr Luxon was accompanied by a business delegation and says the choice of countries represents the priority the New Zealand Government places on South East Asia, and our relationships in ...1 week ago
- $41m to support clean energy in South East AsiaNew Zealand is demonstrating its commitment to reducing global greenhouse emissions, and supporting clean energy transition in South East Asia, through a contribution of NZ$41 million (US$25 million) in climate finance to the Asian Development Bank (ADB)-led Energy Transition Mechanism (ETM). Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and Climate Change Minister Simon Watts announced ...1 week ago
- Minister releases Fast-track stakeholder listThe Government is today releasing a list of organisations who received letters about the Fast-track applications process, says RMA Reform Minister Chris Bishop. “Recently Ministers and agencies have received a series of OIA requests for a list of organisations to whom I wrote with information on applying to have a ...1 week ago
- Judicial appointments announcedAttorney-General Judith Collins today announced the appointment of Wellington Barrister David Jonathan Boldt as a Judge of the High Court, and the Honourable Justice Matthew Palmer as a Judge of the Court of Appeal. Justice Boldt graduated with an LLB from Victoria University of Wellington in 1990, and also holds ...1 week ago
- Education Minister heads to major teaching summit in SingaporeEducation Minister Erica Stanford will lead the New Zealand delegation at the 2024 International Summit on the Teaching Profession (ISTP) held in Singapore. The delegation includes representatives from the Post Primary Teachers’ Association (PPTA) Te Wehengarua and the New Zealand Educational Institute (NZEI) Te Riu Roa. The summit is co-hosted ...1 week ago
- Value of stopbank project proven during cycloneA stopbank upgrade project in Tairawhiti partly funded by the Government has increased flood resilience for around 7000ha of residential and horticultural land so far, Regional Development Minister Shane Jones says. Mr Jones today attended a dawn service in Gisborne to mark the end of the first stage of the ...1 week ago
- Anzac commemorations, Türkiye relationship focus of visitForeign Affairs Minister Winston Peters will represent the Government at Anzac Day commemorations on the Gallipoli Peninsula next week and engage with senior representatives of the Turkish government in Istanbul. “The Gallipoli campaign is a defining event in our history. It will be a privilege to share the occasion ...1 week ago
- Minister to Europe for OECD meeting, Anzac DayScience, Innovation and Technology and Defence Minister Judith Collins will next week attend the OECD Science and Technology Ministerial conference in Paris and Anzac Day commemorations in Belgium. “Science, innovation and technology have a major role to play in rebuilding our economy and achieving better health, environmental and social outcomes ...1 week ago
- Comprehensive Partnership the goal for NZ and the PhilippinesPrime Minister Christopher Luxon held a bilateral meeting today with the President of the Philippines, Ferdinand Marcos Jr. The Prime Minister was accompanied by MP Paulo Garcia, the first Filipino to be elected to a legislature outside the Philippines. During today’s meeting, Prime Minister Luxon and President Marcos Jr discussed opportunities to ...1 week ago
- Government commits $20m to Westport flood protectionThe Government has announced that $20 million in funding will be made available to Westport to fund much needed flood protection around the town. This measure will significantly improve the resilience of the community, says Local Government Minister Simeon Brown. “The Westport community has already been allocated almost $3 million ...1 week ago
- Taupō takes pole positionThe Government is proud to support the first ever Repco Supercars Championship event in Taupō as up to 70,000 motorsport fans attend the Taupō International Motorsport Park this weekend, says Economic Development Minister Melissa Lee. “Anticipation for the ITM Taupō Super400 is huge, with tickets and accommodation selling out weeks ...1 week ago
- Cost of living support for low-income homeownersLocal Government Minister Simeon Brown has announced an increase to the Rates Rebate Scheme, putting money back into the pockets of low-income homeowners. “The coalition Government is committed to bringing down the cost of living for New Zealanders. That includes targeted support for those Kiwis who are doing things tough, such ...1 week ago
- Government backing mussel spat projectThe Coalition Government is investing in a project to boost survival rates of New Zealand mussels and grow the industry, Oceans and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones has announced. “This project seeks to increase the resilience of our mussels and significantly boost the sector’s productivity,” Mr Jones says. “The project - ...1 week ago
- Government focused on getting people into workBenefit figures released today underscore the importance of the Government’s plan to rebuild the economy and have 50,000 fewer people on Jobseeker Support, Social Development and Employment Minister Louise Upston says. “Benefit numbers are still significantly higher than when National was last in government, when there was about 70,000 fewer ...1 week ago
- Clean energy key driver to reducing emissionsThe Government’s commitment to doubling New Zealand’s renewable energy capacity is backed by new data showing that clean energy has helped the country reach its lowest annual gross emissions since 1999, Climate Change Minister Simon Watts says. New Zealand’s latest Greenhouse Gas Inventory (1990-2022) published today, shows gross emissions fell ...1 week ago
- Earthquake-prone buildings review brought forwardThe Government is bringing the earthquake-prone building review forward, with work to start immediately, and extending the deadline for remediations by four years, Building and Construction Minister Chris Penk says. “Our Government is focused on rebuilding the economy. A key part of our plan is to cut red tape that ...1 week ago
- Thailand and NZ to agree to Strategic PartnershipPrime Minister Christopher Luxon and his Thai counterpart, Prime Minister Srettha Thavisin, have today agreed that New Zealand and the Kingdom of Thailand will upgrade the bilateral relationship to a Strategic Partnership by 2026. “New Zealand and Thailand have a lot to offer each other. We have a strong mutual desire to build ...1 week ago
- Government consults on extending coastal permits for portsRMA Reform Minister Chris Bishop and Transport Minister Simeon Brown have today announced the Coalition Government’s intention to extend port coastal permits for a further 20 years, providing port operators with certainty to continue their operations. “The introduction of the Resource Management Act in 1991 required ports to obtain coastal ...1 week ago
- Inflation coming down, but more work to doToday’s announcement that inflation is down to 4 per cent is encouraging news for Kiwis, but there is more work to be done - underlining the importance of the Government’s plan to get the economy back on track, acting Finance Minister Chris Bishop says. “Inflation is now at 4 per ...1 week ago
- School attendance restored as a priority in health adviceRefreshed health guidance released today will help parents and schools make informed decisions about whether their child needs to be in school, addressing one of the key issues affecting school attendance, says Associate Education Minister David Seymour. In recent years, consistently across all school terms, short-term illness or medical reasons ...1 week ago
- Unnecessary bureaucracy cut in oceans sectorOceans and Fisheries Minister Shane Jones is streamlining high-level oceans management while maintaining a focus on supporting the sector’s role in the export-led recovery of the economy. “I am working to realise the untapped potential of our fishing and aquaculture sector. To achieve that we need to be smarter with ...1 week ago
- Behind the counter: Wellington shopkeepers
A new exhibition in Wellington showcases the faces behind your local goods and services. Back in 1977, when I was a fine arts student at the University of Canterbury, I took a series of photographs of Christchurch shopkeepers. The photos were for a calendar – a project for my end ...2 hours ago - Iranian Solidarity Group New Zealand Condemns Toomaj Salehi's Death Sentence And The New Aggres...
Toomaj and his resistance to tyranny through his songs have become an icon for the youth of Iran, so his sentence has hit the nation hard. Toomaj Salehi is not the first artist to pay the price for standing with the people. ...3 hours ago - Short story: Calf Creek, by Anna Scaife
My cousin Dylan and I spotted these big eels under the bridge that summer. We watched them lounging under the dark weed, facing into the flow of water, their mouths frozen open. Dylan and I couldn’t stop thinking about those eels. The night we went down to the creek, we ...3 hours ago - Newsroom welcomes the Secret DiaryNewsroom, home of satire. My long-running weekly satirical series The Secret Diary has moved to Newsroom and will appear every Saturday, with Victor Billot’s wildly popular satirical Odes continuing to appear every Sunday. Diaries, Odes – while serious political columnists toil at meaningful opinions and stroke their chins to an ...3 hours ago
- I saw ‘The Sign’, and it opened up my eyes: All the fuss around Bluey, explainedTara Ward unravels the many nuanced layers of a cartoon about talking dogs. This is an excerpt from our weekly pop culture newsletter Rec Room. Sign up here. It’s not often an episode of a children’s cartoon has adults sobbing into their sleeves, but that’s exactly what happened this week when ...4 hours ago
- Jessica Tater has ambition without bordersWorking as a doctor in developing countries to help communities achieve better health outcomes is nothing short of a life goal for Jessica Tater. The University of Otago medical student has her sights firmly set on joining the international humanitarian organisation Doctors Without Borders/Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) when she qualifies ...4 hours ago
- The island where people’s stories are paramountThere’s an island in the far reaches of Auckland’s territory, sitting off the tip of the Coromandel Peninsula, 30 minutes by air from the city or four hours on the slow boat. Aotea Great Barrier is off-grid, it has a population of fewer than a thousand people … and most ...4 hours ago
- Australian author leads silence protest over ‘blood debt’ owed to Papuans
Asia Pacific Report An Australian author and advocate, Jim Aubrey, today led a national symbolic one minute’s silence to mark the “blood debt” owed to Papuan allies during the Second World War indigenous resistance against the invading Japanese forces. “A promise to most people is a promise,” Aubrey said in ...5 hours ago - Israel delays Gaza Freedom Flotilla departure with bureaucratic ‘block’Asia Pacific Report The Freedom Flotilla is ready to sail to Gaza, reports Kia Ora Gaza. All the required paperwork has been submitted to the port authority, and the cargo has been loaded and prepared for the humanitarian trip to the besieged enclave. However, organisers received word of an “administrative ...6 hours ago
- Have New Zealanders really been ‘misled’ about AUKUS, or is involvement now a foregone conclusio...ANALYSIS: By Marco de Jong, Auckland University of Technology and Robert G. Patman, University of Otago When former prime minister Helen Clark spoke out against New Zealand potentially compromising its independent foreign policy by joining pillar two of the AUKUS security pact, Foreign Minister Winston Peters responded bluntly: On ...10 hours ago
- Palestine protesters challenge TVNZ over Israeli ambassador’s ‘propaganda’Pacific Media Watch Palestine solidarity protesters today demonstrated at the Auckland headquarters of Television New Zealand, accusing the country’s major TV network of broadcasting “propaganda” backing Israel’s genocidal war on Gaza. About 50 protesters targeted the main entrance to the TVNZ building near Sky Tower and also picketed a side ...11 hours ago
- Lynley Hood Opinion – Senator Fulbright must be spinning in his grave13 hours ago
- Fast-track bill could affect NZ's reputation – Transparency International
The ministers responsible for green-lighting major projects need to be open about potential conflicts of interest, says Transparency International. ...13 hours ago - We’re all feeling the collective grief and trauma of violence against women – but this is the pr...Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Anastasia Powell, Professor, Family and Sexual Violence, RMIT University It has been a particularly distressing start to the year. There is little that can ease the current grief of individuals, families and communities who have needlessly lost a loved one to men’s ...15 hours ago
- Species living closely together in symbiosis is far older and way more common than you might thinkSource: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Gregory Moore, Senior Research Associate, School of Ecosystem and Forest Sciences, The University of Melbourne Lichen, the first described example of symbiosis. AdeJ Artventure/Shutterstock Once known only to those studying biology, the word symbiosis is now widely used. Symbiosis is the intimate ...15 hours ago
- What is childhood dementia? And how could new research help?Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Kim Hemsley, Head, Childhood Dementia Research Group, Flinders Health and Medical Research Institute, College of Medicine and Public Health, Flinders University Olena Ivanova/Shutterstock “Childhood” and “dementia” are two words we wish we didn’t have to use together. But sadly, around 1,400 ...16 hours ago
- Jobseekers get about $345 less than pensioners each fortnight. This gap is hurting, and is set to wi...Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Peter Whiteford, Professor, Crawford School of Public Policy, Australian National University The government’s Economic Inclusion Advisory Committee has just published its second report. It was set up by Treasurer Jim Chalmers and Minister for Social Services Amanda Rishworth in 2022 to provide: ...16 hours ago
- Does fighting inflation always lead to recession? What NZ data tellsHere is what 60 years of New Zealand data shows us. ...16 hours ago
- The government's 20 trips abroad in AprilThe government appears committed to overseas visits with 14 ministers and MPs in 18 countries this month. ...17 hours ago
- Government unveils fetal alcohol guidelines, plan for diagnosis trainingThe government is promising to step up the response to Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, promising to boost diagnoses and raise awareness. ...18 hours ago
- Labor facing heavy defeat in Queensland, but faring better in federal pollsSource: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Adrian Beaumont, Election Analyst (Psephologist) at The Conversation; and Honorary Associate, School of Mathematics and Statistics, The University of Melbourne The Queensland state election will be held in October. A YouGov poll for The Courier Mail, conducted April 9–17 from a sample ...18 hours ago
- Why the potential for another Donald Trump presidency is making Iran very nervousSource: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Amin Naeni, PhD candidate at Alfred Deakin Institute for Citizenship and Globalisation, Deakin University There’s been much talk in recent months about what a possible second Donald Trump presidency in the United States could mean for Europe, Russia’s war in Ukraine, the ...18 hours ago
- ‘The worst piece of law proposed since 1979’: Reactions to the Fast-track Approvals BillA brief round-up of submissions on the controversial proposed law. This is an excerpt from our weekly environmental newsletter Future Proof. Sign up here. Last week, submissions on the controversial Fast-track Approvals Bill closed just hours after the government released a list of stakeholder organisations who were sent letters advising how they could ...19 hours ago
- The Friday Poem: ‘Cereal giving’ by Robin PeaceA poem from Robin Peace’s new collection Detritus of Empire: feather / grass / rock. Cereal giving I see a woman’s hands, see her curious hands break a stalk as she walks through the tall prairie, the savannah, the steppe, wherever it was. See her idly bite the grass that ...19 hours ago
- The Unity Books bestseller chart for the week ending April 26The only published and available best-selling indie book chart in New Zealand is the top 10 sales list recorded every week at Unity Books’ stores in High St, Auckland, and Willis St, Wellington. AUCKLAND 1 Hemingway’s Goblet by Dermot Ross (Mary Egan Publishing, $38) A handsomely produced (debossed cover, lovely ...19 hours ago
- Te Rūnanga O Ngāti Whātua Welcomes Commissioner's Decision Regarding Awataha MaraeThe Commissioner's decision validates the longstanding efforts of the local community and ensures that Awataha Marae will be managed to serve the needs of the local community, particularly for hosting tangihanga. ...21 hours ago
- We reconstructed landscapes that greeted the first humans in Australia around 65,000 years agoSource: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Tristan Salles, Associate professor, University of Sydney Examples of Australian landscapes. Unsplash Seventy thousand years ago, the sea level was much lower than today. Australia, along with New Guinea and Tasmania, formed a connected landmass known as Sahul. Around this time – ...21 hours ago
- What do we lose when our old suburbs disappear?Source: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Felicity Castagna, Lecturer, Creative Writing, Western Sydney University Day Day Market, Parramatta Photo: Garry Trinh I live on the edge of Parramatta, Australia’s fastest-growing city, on the kind of old-fashioned suburban street that has 1950s fibros constructed in the post-war housing boom, ...21 hours ago
- Does fighting inflation always lead to recession? What 60 years of NZ data can tell usSource: The Conversation (Au and NZ) – By Michael Ryan, Teaching Fellow in Economics, University of Waikato GettyImages fatido/Getty Images There is an ongoing global debate over whether the high inflation seen in the aftermath of the COVID-19 pandemic can be lowered without a recession. New Zealand is not ...21 hours ago
- After spending $700,000 on pins for Covid-19 workers, department now cutting costsA government office that set aside millions for lapel pins for pandemic workers is now looking to cut back on spending. ...21 hours ago
- ‘A hell of a lot of fun’: Our reviews of Chris Isaak’s dazzling Auckland showThe ‘Wicked Game’ heartthrob is in his late 60s now. That didn’t stop him putting on a lively, goofy and very sparkly show. Apart from ‘Wicked Game’, which graces a sultry playlist of mine simply called 💋, my last sustained Chris Isaak listening session took place when I was about ...21 hours ago
- The Week in Politics: Days of drama and demotionsAnalysis - Two ministers were stripped of portfolios in a warning to Cabinet, drama broke out at the Waitangi Tribunal, and the gang patch ban bill ran into opposition. ...22 hours ago
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no comment!
What utter rubbish
Perhaps in future when an article of this nature is required one could just copy the contents of a public-domain document, like a Wikipedia article, and paste the name “Cameron Slater” in at random points?
It would be funnier.
I tend to find that just saying his name is enough to provoke a laugh, although there is an increasing incidence of vomiting being the first response, and of course there’s many people wishing he could just be donated to Japanese Research.
That’d make NZ a slightly nicer place while simultaneously putting the Japanese off whale meat forever.
😀
Not “slightly nicer”…. infinitely nicer IMO
“taping on a telegraph.”
tapping
and it would be a teashop surely?
Just goes to show the Right do humour better than the Left…………..
Holy shit!
yup, with John Key the joke is on ALL of us
In a new twist, JK has revealed that he observed from his surveillance tent beside the mansion driveway a new development:
Claire Curran entered the mansion carrying a suitcase. It’s believed (due to there being some leafy suburb foliage protruding from the suitcase) that Cunliffe was hiding inside the suitcase. When asked how he knew it was Herne Bay foliage JK said it looks nothing like the shrubs he has at home in Hawaii but he’s emailed a pic to Obama for clarification.
Keep it up Susannact. The World needs plenty of satire.
As an Alo Alo fan, that was a travesty. The idea was pretty good, but the execution isn’t worth being on a blog like this.
Very Lame
I see Colin Craig as one of the British airmen hiding under the Grandmother’s bed, but am a bit stuck casting the Grandmother. Would Farrar do drag?
nah. he does something else but saying what would really expose the standard to a defamation case but maybe that would be fun to.
we definitely know that slater spends most of his time in front of th emirror but so far that is not a crime; “I definitely never had sex with myself your honour!”.
I wonder if he never had the same sort of sex with himself that Clinton didn’t have with Monica.
It is no surprise that slater has been outed as a national party spy. Feeding Key dirt on a regular basis. More amusing that he is attacking tvnz. Over their little problem and pretends he is anything but the same.
That is BLOODY funny stuff. Well done. The best post I have ever read on the standard.
Spanishbride
High (or low) praise…
Put the cap back on the bottle.