Armed police storm Key mansion

Written By: - Date published: 7:00 am, February 10th, 2012 - 25 comments
Categories: election 2011, john key, law and "order", police, Satire - Tags: ,

Armed Police assisted by the Eagle helicopter, the counter-terrorism unit, customs officials, and the police launch towed on its trailer have raided Prime Minister John Key’s Parnell mansion, executing warrants relating to the illegal ‘DJ Key’ election ad. Simultaneously, a joint Police-SAS taskforce has stormed RadioLive, deploying teargas and tasering all present.

Police have defended the scale of the operation that has seen 25 arrests and 5 people hospitalised at a cost of approximately $500,000.

“It’s important the public understand that Police have plenty of spare capacity for this type of thing. Mr Key himself said so” explained Police Commissioner Patrick Wagon “A couple of months ago we raided four news outlets in the middle of an election campaign to gather evidence about the recording of a possibly private conversation where no illegal publication of said recording had actually occurred. We’ve still got cops working the case and putting out press releases three months later! There’s barely any prima facie case and we’ve chucked hundreds of man hours at it.

Likewise, when the Yanks say there’s some computer programmer living in New Zealand whose site allows illegal filesharing, we’ll send 70 cops to storm the guy’s house, seize his assets, get out the helicopters and the guns, and refuse the guy bail so that the taxpayer gets to spend $300 a day locking him up. No worries.”

“A few years back we occupied an entire town to arrest some people on what has ended up being a few trumped up firearms possession charges. That’s just the level of service you come to expect from a Police force that has the resources to solve every crime”

“So, naturally, we responded with every tool available when the Electoral Commission told us that someone had been attempting to illegally influence an election. The raids conducted today are entirely proportionate with our past actions. That’s our democracy they’re fucking with.”

When asked by a reporter if the Police really had resources to spare for elaborate raids given that last year alone there were 220,000 unsolved crimes including 8 homicides and 1,400 sexual assaults or if, in fact, the Police were too prone to political pressure and the temptation to show off for the cameras, Commissioner Wagon responded “If the Prime Minister says we’ve got spare capacity because we’re solving all the crimes then, by jingo, we’ve got spare capacity. Sergeant, arrest that man for attempting to embarrass a police officer. What do you mean that’s not an offence? We’ll just get Parliament to pass a retrospective law again!”

Meanwhile, the Prime Minister has thrown a press release wrapped around a rock over the walls of Auckland Remand in which he states he is “relaxed” about the current situation and is certain he will find an “elegant solution” to his predicament, which he blames on the Labour Party for “leaving us with a decade of deficits”, a error by his staff, the Canterbury earthquakes, unclear rules, the global financial crisis, and his mistaken belief that they were talking about Australian elections.

Justice Minister Judith Collins defended the Police actions, telling reporters that arresting criminals gave the rest of us the opportunity to achieve a higher quality of life, as she measured the drapes on the Beehive’s ninth floor.

25 comments on “Armed police storm Key mansion ”

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  1. Colonial Viper 1
    10 February 2012 at 7:55 am

    Did the armed police and law enforcement authorities also allow all the computers, hard disks and data stored in Key’s house to be carelessly and aimlessly destroyed and deleted ahead of any legal proceedings? Or is that behaviour just for people that the big money finance/entertainment industry boys don’t like.

  2. vto 2
    10 February 2012 at 8:02 am

    Those with the guns make the rules.

    Always always always have done. It just we silly naive kiwis who think that type of reality belongs to some other time and place and that we live in a pristine environment – more fool us. Especially we modern-day ones.

    It is only a little over 100 years ago that New Zealanders were involved in slave trading in the southwest pacific, cannibalism, atrocities that would overwhelm the Hague, on it goes …

    we are sleepy

  3. Akldnut 3
    10 February 2012 at 8:34 am

    No mention the SIS, covert surveilance or phone taps which may or maynot retrospectively be made illegal.

  4. John Dalley 4
    10 February 2012 at 8:49 am

    Very funny but true.

  5. tsmithfield 5
    10 February 2012 at 9:32 am

    Actually, I have to agree with the sentiment of this post. Some of the recent actions by the police have left me wondering about their priorities. Farcical raids staged to impress the Americans along with intensified revenue gathering on the roads means they probably have few resources left for actual police work.

    • Mehere 5.1
      11 February 2012 at 2:49 am

      I agree, the raid on the “dotcom mansion” was completely over the top and quite transparently staged to impress the FBI. This guy is a bit of a doofus but he isn’t a threat to public safety and didn’t warrant the turnout of what seemed like our entire police force to arrest him and his chums.

  6. ianmac 6
    10 February 2012 at 9:35 am

    Some idiot whined that there should have been some evidence presented to the Court to explain/justify the arrests but was told that this is a War on Terror and it was now the way for the future including offloading accused off to Cuba. Get over it. Move on.

  7. Hilary 7
    10 February 2012 at 10:01 am

    I thought the Police Minister was Anne Tolley – who is probably setting national standards for police to achieve before they are allowed to arrest anyone.

    • Ianupnorth 7.1
      10 February 2012 at 11:54 am

      There was an article in the local rag about the fitness of the police, with BOP being the fittest and Waitakere the least fit; seems they already compile tables against standards, but watch this space, maybe you are right, next step Charter police…

  8. fender 8
    10 February 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Great news! And I doubt he will get bail considering his ability to obtain false passport (in the name of a dead baby most likely). With extensive overseas assets and contacts he could be hidden in any number of his banker mates mansions, they are good at squirreling stuff away. In fact to make sure he can’t get bail it would be best to arrange a visitor to go see Key in the slammer, someone who has previously been known to produce fake documents, that should stop the judge giving him bail, it worked well last time.

  9. seeker 9
    10 February 2012 at 12:46 pm

    A fine picture of Key. I realise that this has just made manifest my subconscious vision of him – a man behind bars for his criminal exploitation of our country and her people. This picture shows him in what could be viewed as his ‘natural environment.’ There are a few others who should join him…Joyce, English……..etc etc

  10. aerobubble 10
    10 February 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Free trade means shareholder must be given a up or down vote on a major sell off of assets, Key above the law governance style does not justify his stance against a referendum on partial asset sales, free trade means the owners of the shares, the tax payers have a right to a shareholder vote as all investors have such rights in NZ law.

  11. hoom 11
    10 February 2012 at 2:04 pm

    Breaking news: Key bailed to his holiday mansion in Hawaii.
    Judge says ‘low flight risk’ followed it with ‘have a nice holiday’.

  12. jaymam 12
    10 February 2012 at 2:15 pm

    I live almost withn sight of Key’s place, and I didn’t hear a helicopter. I don’t think I believe the police launch was there either. So, the raid was a slight exaggeration.

  14. Brian 14
    10 February 2012 at 4:06 pm

    I hope Key doesn’t get in for another term.. I still cannot believe he got in again.. It makes me sick that some New Zealanders still support that lying, money-grovelling little bastard…

    • Vicky32 14.1
      10 February 2012 at 6:09 pm

      I hope Key doesn’t get in for another term.. I still cannot believe he got in again.. It makes me sick that some New Zealanders still support that lying, money-grovelling little bastard…

      I will never understand how that even happened.. 🙁

      • Mehere 14.1.1
        11 February 2012 at 3:04 am

        It’s not that hard to understand really…

        More people put their trust in John Key and the National Party than any of the other parties who contested the election.

        Phil Goff and the Labour Party put in a good showing, but they only got around three-fifths of the votes that National did, so they weren’t popular enough to form a government.

        It’s quite straightforward really, but if you’re still having some trouble understanding, you can google ‘MMP’ or ‘NZ Election 2011’ for a few links that may help you understand the election outcome a little better. Happy to help.

      • ropata 14.1.2
        15 February 2012 at 7:58 am

        49% of the population have below-average intelligence. Inescapable fact.

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