web analytics

ImperatorFish: A plea for help

Written By: - Date published: 11:24 pm, November 3rd, 2014 - 35 comments
Categories: humour, parody, Satire - Tags: , , , , ,

Reposted from ImperatorFish, who despite his current difficulties kindly allows us to syndicate his posts.


IF from the editorI don’t usually ask for help, but this is different.

I have made a lot of enemies, and some of them are determined to destroy me.

My truth-telling has often made me a target of hatred and vitriol, but I’m a big boy and I’m used to the usual rough and tumble of the blogosphere.

But in recent months the attacks against me have increased in scale, becoming more sophisticated and better organised. It’s a plot, and the plotters have a very clear objective. They want rid of me. They want me out of the way. Permanently. With me out of the way, there won’t be anyone to stop them.

I’m not entirely sure what they have planned, but I know it involves one of their powerful intergalactic starships. I also know that their plans involve a device that resembles a hot tub, the purpose of which I’m not 100% sure. I know this because of a series of leaked emails sent to my tipline by one of my dedicated readers.

Yes, I know an awful lot about the things my enemies have planned, even if I don’t yet have the complete picture (keep those tips coming in, readers!). I also know a few things they never thought I would find out.  I never imagined that my enemies on Jupiter would still be using old-fashioned email, or that these so-called intelligent aliens would be so careless about internet security. Thanks to their almost non-existent firewalls I now have thousands of emails from a certain Jovian senator’s computer detailing many of their plans against me.

Incidentally, these emails also include some quite revealing and intimate correspondences between the Jovian senator in question and a person who most certainly is not one of his many wives or husbands. Imagine how surprised that filthy little rooter would be if some of those steamy messages were to show up on a certain blogsite. Wouldn’t that be distressing? Ah, but that’s for another day. . .

Their schemes against me appear to include a sophisticated plan to use massive shields to block out the sun. What they don’t realise is that I haven’t set foot outside my house for six weeks. Go ahead and take the sun away, you despicable alien scum. See if I care! The only light I need is the warm glow of my computer screen.

But it’s worse than that. Their ultimate plan is to take me away from Earth. Yes, loyal readers, they plan to abduct me. To fly me away in one of their many ships, to do God knows what to me. My guess is that they plan to conduct a series of genetic experiments on me in order to determine just what makes me tick. Look at the damage I have wrought upon my enemies on the New Zealand political scene, so imagine the destruction they could inflict if they were able to replicate ten of me. They would be masters of the entire universe.

I know a lot about what they are planning, but they will still be hard to stop. Readers, this is where you come in. You can help me stop them in their tracks.

I don’t usually like to put out the begging bowl, but this is different. This is important.  They are coming for us, and I’m the first one in their way. Once I have been conveniently disposed of it will be your turn. Once I’m gone there will be nothing to prevent them taking your motor vehicles, your children’s toys, and even your collection of Celine Dion CDs. You may think my abduction at the hands of these Jovian beasts won’t make much difference to your life, but are you really prepared to go on living without ever again hearing Celine’s soaring and uplifting voice?  I don’t often get overwhelmed with emotion, readers, but My Heart Will Go On makes me cry every single fucking time!

So I need your help. These alien arseholes can be stopped, but it will take money. Lots of money. Fucking loads of the stuff. More money than you can believe. Literally wheelbarrows full of the stuff. And in quantities you can only imagine in your wildest dreams ever having.

Your money is going to help us defeat these scumbags. Because if there’s one thing those nasty little alien creeps hate it’s aluminium. They can’t stand the stuff. It makes them vomit just to look at it, and if they touch it their eyes explode and their nipples burn away. So we’re going to use the money to buy foil. Lots of it!

I have managed to clad some of the roof of my house with aluminium foil, but funds are tight, and it has proven difficult to get large quantities of foil at a reasonable price. I still have the garden, the back lawn, and the swingball set to cover up, and then I want to move to the interior of the house—just in case they find a way through the roof or past the swingball set.

If you cherish your freedom, then you simply must donate. Anything will do. $1000, $2000, or even $50,000. Whatever you can afford, but please don’t waste your time with pissy little offerings like $100 or $200. Don’t insult me.

If you don’t give generously then you are dooming your family, indeed our entire civilisation, to slavery. I’m the only one who can stop them, which is why I’m the one being targeted by these alien monsters and not you. You’re too piss-weak for them to bother with.

If you don’t give me money it will make you a bad person. Quite possibly an evil person. It will make you one of them. And if you’re one of them, then you can sure as hell expect to hear from me. It’s no more Mr Nice Guy from me. I always knew you would turn. You’re as bad as all the others. You are all against me! Leave me alone! You people won’t be happy until I’ve done a “Major Tom,” but guess what? I’m not going to step through the door. I’m staying put! I will never be defeated, so give me your money! Please?

PLEASE! I’M BEGGING YOU! THEY’RE COMING, AND I NEED MORE FOIL!


At least this pathetic plea doesn’t involve lawyers or sharks. Well ok so Scott is a lawyer and lawyers are… Ummm. Ok lets leave at they aren’t whales….

A alert tip-line reader has sent in a sketch of a Jovian.

A artist impression of one of the Jovians targeting Scott.
Can’t you just feel the sheer evil pouring off this whiner…
Linked from metromag.

 

 

 

35 comments on “ImperatorFish: A plea for help ”

  1. NZSage 1

    LOL…Poor Cam.

  2. If Scott wants to buy up all the aluminium foil, he must overcome the lord of satire himself: Weird Al Yankovic ,”FOIL” (Parody of “Royals” by Lorde)

  3. dale 3

    Yes and so bravely written by some anonymous coward. Well done!

      • One Anonymous Bloke 3.1.1

        😆

        Now I lay me down to sleep,
        I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
        Make me wake another day,
        And send better wingnuts my way.

    • Murray Rawshark 3.2

      Idiot. Anyone who matters knows who the Fish is. What I want to know is “who took the photo?”

      • lprent 3.2.1

        Don’t know. It was a good satire by the fish.

        So I searched for tinfoil hat and came up with weird al for the front.

        Then I hunted for a suitable picture of cam as a alien monster, and found that one in metro and linked to it.

    • Anonymous Coward 3.3

      It seems that you’ve been fed and told what to believe for so long that you aren’t able to do a little bit of searching for yourself and find on that very site that the author names himself. Nice try though, perhaps now you can return to suckling of the whales teat for your news. Its will only cost you $500 for the truth.

    • framu 3.4

      well your a brave one arent you dale, or is it mike, or maybe jim? shit – your a mary arent you?

    • David H 3.5

      Scott not anonymous, he’s just poking fun at life. Jeeze Dale I’d hate to live in your world, where you hate everyone that obviously don’t agree with your 1 mm wide wingnut ways.

      Hmm. Your 1 mm wide wingnut ways. A good title for a song, what a pity I can’t write songs.

  4. Sanctuary 4

    Serious question:

    Is “Pete” a real person, or just one of the voices in Cam Slater’s head?

    • lprent 4.1

      Real person. Cameron has a limited writing range.

      I suspect from the style that i know who it is from the BBS days.

      • Anne 4.1.1

        the BBS days?
        Oh, don’t explain… something to do with computer technology.? I’m a technology illiterate.

        • karol 4.1.1.1

          Bulletin Board System – earliest forms of internet forums – I think they predated the www.

          • Anne 4.1.1.1.1

            Thanks karol. I was living in fear and dread of a lengthy technical diatribe from lprent – of which I would not have understood a word. 🙁

          • David H 4.1.1.1.2

            They definitely pre-dated the WWW. Mine was called Under Construction. It ran originally on a IBM Clone, with an 8088 cpu at 4.77 mhz and had 640 kilobits of memory and a 10 mb HDD that took about ages to start up and sounded like a jet engine (that was the HDD spinning up)

            At the moment i am building up a couple of old P1 and P3 and an early Athalon for some games of the original Doom, Quake and UT on the original machines that were made for them. And maybe even an old Network games session or 2

  5. les 5

    thats funny imperator!Now you’re really gunna get …it..no one ridicules the slug,he has influence….you are in for double!

    • Galeandra 5.1

      Funny, but not half as funny as Whalefoil’s original effort. I’ve never read a pre-parody before.

  6. ianmac 6

    Is this story true? Really true? Because I am pretty sure Mr Slater is Invincible. Untouchable. Fortressed.

  7. left for deadshark 7

    I could possibly help,
    Having learnt to save things (like this old boilled lollie,with the fluff still on it) been in my pocket for sometime,mmmm.I have an Official ALF’S Imperial Army Kitch Card {with a picture of some flash Harold} or somesuch,may be steampunk,my suspicion is he date’s before that period,…Oh the card,it states.
    Stop It,Stop It Right Now,And Take A Cold Tub..I could let it go,for a gazillion,I saved it for a rainy day,the drumming on your tinfoil hat,would make your brian bleed,yes I’ve named all brains Brian.That will confuse them,the aliens that is,oh you know,like… (how did Trotter pronounce his name)Far,rar,ra an the like,at the final show down,battle,or bake off.maybe even a new game,called Chase the Trust,on ABC television,starring unpaid Lawyers and the SFO,Bugger maybe I’m dreaming, was it UFO’s.Any way,before the ship takes off,..the boilled lollie,..could be stuffed in Cam’s gob,minded you,he would roll it around the mouth and stuff the fluff in his bellie button,where the rest of his brian lives.

  8. mac1 8

    I don’t believe this post. Everyone in the tin-foil hat supply business knows that they have to be earthed. The problem is that being on another planet means the earth lead has to be rather long. And I can’t see one!

  9. Naki man 9

    That doesn’t look like Hager

  10. Tracey 10

    is it wierd al yankovic

  11. Northland 11

    The most likely recipient of this largess is Blomfield!

  12. Andrea 12

    Now, if you could get a mail list for wealthy scammers in Nigeria, they may be able to help you.

    Failing that, a few credulous Russian oligarchs, perhaps?

    No good asking here, though. The cupboards are bare and the dosh is all gone.

    Sorry.

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

  • New Public Housing Plan announced
    The Government has released its Public Housing Plan 2021-2024 which outlines the intention of where 8,000 additional public and transitional housing places announced in Budget 2020, will go. “The Government is committed to continuing its public house build programme at pace and scale. The extra 8,000 homes – 6000 public ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Prime Minister congratulates President Joe Biden on his inauguration
    Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has congratulated President Joe Biden on his inauguration as the 46th President of the United States of America. “I look forward to building a close relationship with President Biden and working with him on issues that matter to both our countries,” Jacinda Ardern said. “New Zealand ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 day ago
  • Jobs for Nature funding will create training and employment opportunities
    A major investment to tackle wilding pines in Mt Richmond will create jobs and help protect the area’s unique ecosystems, Biosecurity Minister Damien O’Connor says. The Mt Richmond Forest Park has unique ecosystems developed on mineral-rich geology, including taonga plant species found nowhere else in the country. “These special plant ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Pre-departure testing extended to all passengers to New Zealand
    To further protect New Zealand from COVID-19, the Government is extending pre-departure testing to all passengers to New Zealand except from Australia, Antarctica and most Pacific Islands, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins said today. “The change will come into force for all flights arriving in New Zealand after 11:59pm (NZT) on Monday ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 days ago
  • Bay Cadets learn skills to protect environment
    Bay Conservation Cadets launched with first intake Supported with $3.5 million grant Part of $1.245b Jobs for Nature programme to accelerate recover from Covid Cadets will learn skills to protect and enhance environment Environment Minister David Parker today welcomed the first intake of cadets at the launch of the Bay ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    4 days ago
  • Cook Islanders to resume travel to New Zealand
    The Prime Minister of New Zealand Jacinda Ardern and the Prime Minister of the Cook Islands Mark Brown have announced passengers from the Cook Islands can resume quarantine-free travel into New Zealand from 21 January, enabling access to essential services such as health. “Following confirmation of the Cook Islands’ COVID ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    7 days ago
  • Supporting communities and landowners to grow employment opportunities
    Jobs for Nature funding is being made available to conservation groups and landowners to employ staff and contractors in a move aimed at boosting local biodiversity-focused projects, Conservation Minister Kiritapu Allan has announced. It is estimated some 400-plus jobs will be created with employment opportunities in ecology, restoration, trapping, ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Border exception for some returning international tertiary students
    The Government has approved an exception class for 1000 international tertiary students, degree level and above, who began their study in New Zealand but were caught offshore when border restrictions began. The exception will allow students to return to New Zealand in stages from April 2021. “Our top priority continues ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Tiwai deal gives time for managed transition
    Today’s deal between Meridian and Rio Tinto for the Tiwai smelter to remain open another four years provides time for a managed transition for Southland. “The deal provides welcome certainty to the Southland community by protecting jobs and incomes as the region plans for the future. The Government is committed ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • New member for APEC Business Advisory Council
    Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has appointed Anna Curzon to the APEC Business Advisory Council (ABAC). The leader of each APEC economy appoints three private sector representatives to ABAC. ABAC provides advice to leaders annually on business priorities. “ABAC helps ensure that APEC’s work programme is informed by business community perspectives ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Govt’s careful economic management recognised
    The Government’s prudent fiscal management and strong policy programme in the face of the COVID-19 global pandemic have been acknowledged by the credit rating agency Fitch. Fitch has today affirmed New Zealand’s local currency rating at AA+ with a stable outlook and foreign currency rating at AA with a positive ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • Additional actions to keep COVID-19 out of NZ
    The Government is putting in place a suite of additional actions to protect New Zealand from COVID-19, including new emerging variants, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins said today. “Given the high rates of infection in many countries and evidence of the global spread of more transmissible variants, it’s clear that ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    1 week ago
  • 19 projects will clean up and protect waterways
    $36 million of Government funding alongside councils and others for 19 projects Investment will clean up and protect waterways and create local jobs Boots on the ground expected in Q2 of 2021 Funding part of the Jobs for Nature policy package A package of 19 projects will help clean up ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • New Zealand Government acknowledges 175th anniversary of Battle of Ruapekapeka
    The commemoration of the 175th anniversary of the Battle of Ruapekapeka represents an opportunity for all New Zealanders to reflect on the role these conflicts have had in creating our modern nation, says Associate Minister for Arts, Culture and Heritage Kiri Allan. “The Battle at Te Ruapekapeka Pā, which took ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    2 weeks ago
  • Better care for babies with tongue-tie
    Babies born with tongue-tie will be assessed and treated consistently under new guidelines released by the Ministry of Health, Associate Minister of Health Dr Ayesha Verrall announced today. Around 5% to 10% of babies are born with a tongue-tie, or ankyloglossia, in New Zealand each year. At least half can ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • Prisoner disorder event at Waikeria Prison over
    The prisoner disorder event at Waikeria Prison is over, with all remaining prisoners now safely and securely detained, Corrections Minister Kelvin Davis says. The majority of those involved in the event are members of the Mongols and Comancheros. Five of the men are deportees from Australia, with three subject to ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago
  • Pre-departure COVID-19 test for travellers from the UK and the US from 15 January
    Travellers from the United Kingdom or the United States bound for New Zealand will be required to get a negative test result for COVID-19 before departing, and work is underway to extend the requirement to other long haul flights to New Zealand, COVID-19 Response Minister Chris Hipkins confirmed today. “The new PCR test requirement, foreshadowed last ...
    BeehiveBy beehive.govt.nz
    3 weeks ago