John Key’s Memoirs

Written By: - Date published: 12:36 pm, February 14th, 2011 - 36 comments
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“I’m leaving it until my book. I know the answer, but just wait until my book,” Mr Key said.

What?  I thought it was normal to leave office before you started writing and promoting your memoirs?  I’ve not heard of someone becoming prime-minister to promote book-sales before.

As his government has achieved little of note (well, little positive of note, double-dip recessions and high unemployment probably don’t make good hagiography fodder), I guess it’ll have to be the predictable celebrity name-dropping rubbish: “And then I met Obama, before I had a chat with Medvedev – he was such a laugh.  Later I called Peter Jackson, before sending a message to Richie and the boys wishing them well for the test…”

36 comments on “John Key’s Memoirs ”

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  1. M 1
    14 February 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Bunji

    It would be a slim volume – one page chapters would be:

    1 want to be a rock star/model – check out my beautiful mincing for the RWC

    2 I want to be a serial shagger preferably a la Tiger Woods

    3 Expert butt kisser especially when Barack’s around

    4 My expert guide to dissing one’s wife in public

    5 How to thoroughly clean out the working and middle classes

    6 Need to keep a minority or disadvantaged group down? Here’s how!

    7 Selling one’s soul along with all your country’s assets

    8 Getting that tetanus fish hook smile just right.

  2. The Voice of Reason 2
    14 February 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Exclusive Extract!

    Monday, 14th February.

    9am: The Herald were only too happy to print the picture of Bling Bling and I celebrating our special love on Valentines Day. It took ages to get Bronagh to smile right for the photo though. When the photographer said cheese she spoiled the shot by saying something nasty about Liz Hurley under her breath that made all the DPS guys laugh so hard one of them knocked the camera! Very unproffesional, boys, OK? By the way, C/T tell me that Valentine was a famous celebrity back in the day and he was cute as kittens too. I wonder how many flowers I’m gonna get?

    12 oclock : No flowers yet. I don’t get it. Perhaps they’re being held for me till after cabinet? Valentines Day is quite a mouthful. Spend rest of morning thinking of witty way of saying it texter styles.

    Outside the Cabinet room I talk to Gerry about Operation Pike. He tells me that we’ve dug the hole, now all we have left to do is the cover up. I tell him ‘good work, big fullah’, but notice what looks to be salad on his shirt. Could Gerry have eaten all my Vee Day bouquets?

    3pm: Have almost finished Project Val. Tried Vee Day out on Dipton but he just gave me that funny look. Think I’ll go with vd. I wonder if it’ll catch on?

    8pm: Back in Aucks, dinner with Bling Bling. Still seems put out and keeps looking around the restaurant. Me, too! But sadly, no sign of Liz, even though she’s only a 3 hour flight away. Some people, eh? Don’t know how to deal with famous celebrities at all. I look again, but nobody seems to have remembered to give me flowers and we eat in silence. Uts Ok, though, because at heart I’m so very, very modest.

  3. M 3
    14 February 2011 at 1:09 pm

    VoR

    LOL – having a hard out, full-on day at work, thanks for making it more bearable.

  4. bobo 4
    14 February 2011 at 1:10 pm

    So we have to buy an autographed “Smile and wave” autobiography in order to find out what our prime ministers political views are on any given subject… the guy is a walking talking tacky infomercial..

    • ianmac 4.1
      14 February 2011 at 1:41 pm

      Great record VoR! Probably too true.
      Actually it would be hard for Key to write about his views as he seems to lack a philosophy. Therefore the contradictions show rather than a consistent thread. And surely there is a limit to writing about “How to Become a Celebrity.”
      Then again maybe a real John Key might emerge ….but no. Not likely.

  5. randal 5
    14 February 2011 at 2:06 pm

    he must know he is on the way out.
    he has said several times last week that if things didnt go his way then he would resign.
    why doesnt he do it now and get it over with.

  6. mickysavage 6
    14 February 2011 at 2:08 pm

    I wonder if in his book he will explain why he sacked Richard Worth?

  7. Bill Browne 7
    14 February 2011 at 2:12 pm

    I hear it’s being ghost written by Ian Wishart

    • Anne 7.1
      14 February 2011 at 3:17 pm

      Peter Jackson (oops Sir Peter Jackson) is going to do the introduction.

      I hear Paul Holmes is pipped because he thought he was going to be asked to do it.

  8. Rex Widerstrom 8
    14 February 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I’m sure it’ll be just as successful as the last self-penned hagiography by a Colussus of right wing thought, which as we speak is being feverishly bid upon… umm… well I’m sure they’re just waiting till the last minute… it is a “first edition”, ya know…

    [Disclaimer: I get a mention in it. I’m a “rotund oleaginous perspirant” apparently. As I said at the time, better that than a reedy abrasive aspirant 😀 ]

    • Bored 8.1
      14 February 2011 at 8:18 pm

      Should’nt have told us that Rex, up till then you were safe, nobody was ever going to read Lhaws book.

  9. Cnr Joe 9
    14 February 2011 at 2:47 pm

    will I get to know who else he’d phuck ? He can’t/won’t say whilst he’s P.M and Minister of Tourism so – darn it – I gotta wait til the first volume of his series of memoirs ” Key – The earlier years (slurp).

    • Bored 9.1
      14 February 2011 at 8:20 pm

      Up till Saturday it was going to be Liz Hurley, now having seen the mincing I suspect Hugh Grant is in the frame.

  10. marsman 10
    14 February 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Title of John Key’s book “I’ve been mincing” ?

  11. ianmac 11
    14 February 2011 at 6:06 pm

    “…….. I was surprised and humbled when approached with an offer of a Knighthood. Should I accept it or not? At last I made my decision. As a tribute to my colleagues and the people of New Zealand I humbly accepted and so it was in the New Years Honours List 2011 it was announced that I, modest but Hot man of the year, was soon to be known as The Right Honorable Prime Minister Sir John Key.”
    (exerpt fom page 31 “My Years At The Top.”)

  12. Colonial Viper 12
    14 February 2011 at 8:31 pm

    Seriously, John Key has his exit plan out of Parliament already worked out. Wanna know if he’s already signed a book deal with a publisher.

  13. NX 13
    14 February 2011 at 8:31 pm

    As his government has achieved little of note (well, little positive of note, double-dip recessions and high unemployment probably don’t make good hagiography fodder), I guess it’ll have to be the predictable celebrity name-dropping rubbish:

    . . . . and it’ll sell like hot cakes! That’s one thing for certain.

  14. Jum 14
    14 February 2011 at 10:06 pm

    You can thank JKeyll for the torching of the lesbian couple’s business. Whenever National get into Office, the nasties come out to play.

    Whether JKeyll was at the Big Gay Out or not, we all know that behind closed doors he’s mincing about making fun of them.

  15. ianmac 15
    14 February 2011 at 11:04 pm

    It did seem that as much as I loved Helen it did seem that by 2008 after 9+ busy years, she was not quite as energised as she had been.
    I get the impression that John Key has also reached a similar place, lack of motivation, boredom in just 2 years. But sympathy for him, as being a celeb for at least two years must be very taxing, which is why he must need a tax break.

  16. johm 16
    14 February 2011 at 11:24 pm

    Sum Total of John Key”s memoirs:

    John’s ballad of how I am selling off New Zealand.

    Why was I born so beautiful, Why was I born at all, I’m no f*****g use to anyone, I’m no f*****g use at all, I should be publicly pissed on, I should be publicly shot (bang, bang), I should be tied to an urinal, And left there to fester and rot. So, DRINK chug-a-lug, Drink chug-a-lug, Drink chug-a-lug, DRINK!

    • Chris73 16.1
      15 February 2011 at 6:45 am

      Well if you want a song about John Key you might want to check out this classic from the labour party…

  17. illuminatedtiger 17
    15 February 2011 at 12:16 am

    I went to America. And then I met Obama. And then I went on Letterman. And then I went to Hawaii. Me me me. I i i.

  18. Chris73 18
    15 February 2011 at 6:41 am

    there might be a chapter where he explains what its like to be PM, Goff might find it interesting 🙂

    • Craig Glen Eden 18.1
      15 February 2011 at 7:59 am

      Why would john Key do a chapter on being PM what would he know about. What would/ could he say.
      The first two years I was very popular I did nothing but smile and wave, just as my media advisers told me to, man did they do a good job on the tax payers of NZ. Everything else I touched turned to shit faster than you can say Richard Wooorth.

      If the Goffice wants advice on being a real PM he could phone Helen, job done.

      • Chris73 18.1.1
        15 February 2011 at 6:33 pm

        I didn’t say advice about being PM (its not like Goff will ever be the PM) I said what its like to be PM (and I’m sure Dear Leader is on the phone enough) 🙂

        • lprent 18.1.1.1
          15 February 2011 at 9:39 pm

          If you want to eventually cop my moderating annoyance at idiot trolling then I’d suggest carrying on using idiotic meaningless slogans.

          Btw: your phrasing gives me images of you meaning the ghost of Robert Muldoon talking to his servile minion John Key?

          Anyone who knows Phil and Helen in person would look at your mindless line and wonder what drooling moron could think that up. But I guess that you fit that profile quite well

          • Chris73 18.1.1.1.1
            16 February 2011 at 6:43 am

            Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me 😉

            • The Voice of Reason 18.1.1.1.1.1
              16 February 2011 at 7:25 am

              Really? You had a wee cry here just the other day. Remember that?

            • lprent 18.1.1.1.1.2
              16 February 2011 at 10:57 pm

              I don’t care how you justify it to yourself, just don’t use meaningless dogwhistle slogans which add nothing and make you look like a troll with a repetitive self-stimulation reflex. If they trigger my anti-trolling reflexes I will take moderating actions to ensure that the debate level doesn’t descend into the type of trolling we had in 2008.

              This year, my standing rule will be to ban people who ignore warnings until December – it simplifies my workload. There is more than enough to discuss without that sort of crap.

              If you absolutely have to do it in public, then I suggest you contain yourself long enough to get to the sewer…

  19. Tanz 19
    15 February 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Boring, boring, boring. Soon all that famalarity may turn to contempt. Key should have gone into marketing, he’s so full of puff! Acts far more like a pop star than a prime minister. Where is the mature statesman?