PRESS RELEASE:
Budget 2016 will provide bugger all in additional funding over the next four years to ensure the New Zealand continues to offer a world-class housing experience, Prime Minister and Money Tourism Minister John Key announced today.
The lack of investment is part of a $0 million housing package in Budget 2016 to further support poverty’s contribution to economic growth in hard pressed regions across New Zealand such as Remuera, Fendalton and Buenos Aries.
“The New Zealand housing crisis has already been extremely successful in attracting high-value visitors to our casinos and brothels and getting their money to stay longer will have many benefits, with regional economies experiencing positive spin offs such as a remarkable growth in small businesses such as meth labs,” says Mr Key.
“This new funding will support work to connect some Great Poverty Rides so communities can benefit from residents spending more time in cars, riding around trying to find somewhere safe to park for the night, urinating in bushes and bathing in the ponds in local parks.
“This lack of funding builds on government investment of nearly nothing to date in developing and maintaining the homeless trail network, where the unemployed and the working poor can trail from WINZ office to WINZ office.
Mr Key also announced details of how the new lack of funding will be used to link poverty trails in the big cities and the provinces.
“The proposal to create a 1536 km continuous cycle trail network by forcing the unemployed to cycle through desperation, hope, disappointment and back to desperation is the type of experience we want to encourage.
“The government has agreed in principle to support this collaboration with people who don’t vote for us anyway, subject to application requirements such as having a permanent address are being met.”
“Poverty brings a range of benefits to local businesses and communities and the New Zealand Homeless Cycle Trail is playing an important role in attracting the overseas rich to help regions realise their exploitation potential,” Mr Key says.
“Following on from my son Max’s dissing of me on facebook yesterday, I can confirm that there is now a room available in my modest Parnell home. It’s suitable for one spoiled brat or perhaps a solo mother and 4 or 5 children. There is also plenty of parking space in the driveway, so I encourage Aucklanders sleeping in cars to come and stay.”
Prime Minister Key also confirmed that he would be converting his tennis court into an emergency tent city.
“Sure, I recognise that demolishing the house next door to build a tennis court could now be seen by some as selfish, extravagant and contributing to the loss of available beds in Auckland. But I really needed to work on my backhand.”
The Prime Minister also hailed the success of his approach to housing.
“So, I grew up in a State house and when I became Prime Minister, I set myself the target of making sure nobody else had to do the same. Nowadays, very few New Zullunders have access to social housing, which goes to show just how much my dream is shared by ordinary Kiwis.”
“The National Party I lead have been strong on housing since 1935, when we first developed our ‘do nothing and blame the poor for their choices’ strategy. We in the National Party been successfully housing vast wads of cash in overseas bank accounts since the thirties and now we’re successfully convincing South American crooks to house their money here. It’s a Win/Win situation for everyone but the 4 million losers.”
ENDS (badly)
Melissa Lee – as may be discerned from the screenshot above – has not been demoted for doing something seriously wrong as Minister of ... 
Very clever and funny, if the situation wasn’t so tragic. Should be widely published everywhere.
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT !!!…. NOW THAT ….is the sort of ‘take the mickey’ ‘ stick it to them’ type of humour sadly lacking in NZ today.
Reminiscent of the Brits humour we used to have before we got all the Americanised neo liberal consumer trash .
Like our own McPhail and Gadsby , humour is a potent tool in making these political morons cringe. And yes- it should be published everywhere.
Made my day TRP, but strongly agree with above listers about the sadness of discrepancies so shown up . I had actually thought same thing over the refugee crisis!!!, though didn’t think of pool alterations. Yes, this does need to be spread to wider audience somehow.
Spitting Image helped us through the Thatcher years, nothing like it is allowed now.
Maybe all you caring lefties could open the doors to your own houses and invite the homeless in to stay.
Great opportunity to show that you actually care
Or, the government could just do its job. You know, the reason it exists.
Leave it to some one else, the classic lefty way,
Here’s the thing there was probably over 200,000 people who voted left at the last election, you can’t tell me out of that amount of people there wouldn’t be 500 individuals who couldn’t open their doors and take a person in.
Problem could be solved over night.
BM, there are way more than 500 people in this situation. As it’s primarily caused by the actions (and inactions) of Government, that is the place where long term solutions need to be found. Any further pointless diversions will see you evicted. Understand?
Many people, lefties and righties, already have taken in people who would otherwise be homeless.
No – it’s you that wants to leave it to someone else.
Your suggestion is to leave it to the people who are sufficiently horrified that they feel compelled to do something off their own bat. Why should those with consciences be left with solving this problem? Especially as it is the people without consciences that have caused the problem in the first place through their greed-fuelled speculation. Why should I, at my own expense, tidy up the mess made by people like you? The moral and intellectual bankruptcy of the right is staggering – every day.
If the government deals with it, then we all deal with it, which is as it should be. And if the taxation system is properly progressive and avoidance is curtailed, then we all pay for solving the problem in proportion to our means, which is also as it should be.
+1
That’s not a solution, and you know it.
Great excuse for a poke at the left. Have you opened your house?
The only way, but the ONLY WAY out of this crisis is action by those who can. Your ridiculous “solution” would be a bandaid at best. Solutions require permanence. But the government will not be doing anything because, as all thinking people know, it is ideologically wrong to have solutions for the suffering of the hoi polloi. They must be kept in their place, and the “successful” people must be rewarded.
As some other commentators have already stated, this is a morally bankrupt administration driving the country down into the dark ages.
Maybe many already do that
ignorance
I laughed – so many were saying that they would do that when it was “trendy” to call on raising the refugee quota. Looks like most were either talking bull or simply dont care as much about other Kiwi’s
Comedy is little turning up at a house to pimp people who were renovating their house. Another Rufis Painter moment.
Yeah, its only the far right types who volunteer at the Sallies, the Mission and Habitat for Humanity.. hahahaha haha
Even then they couldn’t hold back their far right fanaticism – they’d be soon prosecuted for stealing candy from the little kids in the shelters their mums had to stay at….
– After they’d reported them to WINZ for having candy or anything nice in the first place, of course…
Extraordinary James. It’s almost like you think the housing bizo ain’t a terribly bad thing.
That isnt a viable solution. It may be OK for family groups, or for a very, very short term, but at the end of the day, people need their own space. And I think you would find, that much of our homeless people have already been taken in my friends and family, but had to leave for various reasons.
Flatting might be alright for students, or aspiring 20-something writers in Upper Manhattan, but not so for people with children, or those with chronic illnesses, or mental health patients.
Many of us already are.
The right love to shift responsibility from the wealthy to the charitable.
to BM: think you’ll find that opportunity taken extensively in accommodating/welcoming recent refugees.
I provide a home (2 bedroom) in Auckland super city at a weekly rental of $75 per week.
“I provide a home (2 bedroom) in Auckland super city at a weekly rental of $75 per week”
Good on you, its a pity Gareth Morgan doesnt do the same with his six empty houses.
Actually have already done that, several times. Charged them nothing while they got back on their feet as well.
I suspect many others here have done the same.
Unlike the right wing jerk who posted here about how he had moved out of his house in Chch to a small apartment after the earthquake so he could rent his house out so someone else could pay his mortgage off faster.
Profiteering it’s called in polite circles.
So now we’ve dealt with the personal contribution issue maybe you would like to inform us of how you contribute to housing the poor over and above the taxation you reluctantly pay.
Descendant of Sssmith administers sound moral beating to BM. BM’s on the phone to John. True.
have done and will always do what about you?
I have two spare bedrooms and two living areas and would love to take in a homeless Kiwi family but I live in Australia so I can’t. I wouldn’t make the same offer to an Australian family because … well … I’m racist.
Hmmm. Perhaps there are homeless Kiwi families in the lucky country you could help out?
Calling someone a lefty isn’t insulting, by the way. Being able to think compassionately, and make up your own mind, is an asset.
We pay taxes to the government to do that. No doubt a lot of people are opening their homes to the homeless right now. How bout you do the same instead of spouting off you moron.
That should be the next photo opportunity, get a dozen homeless who sleep in the cars, to drive up for a night out in St Stephens Ave.
When you remember to build Keys house, it took down 2 existing homes and another moved.
Why not the people who do have a roof over their heads show solidarity as someone on this blogsite mentioned?
It could be called the ‘Sleeping Rough’ campaign.
And it could be organised easily enough. It could be done on a rotational basis for two weeks or more outside of every Nat MP’s residence . Even as has been said… in the parks nearby. Let them see it , let them feel it.
Tangible and proactive .
A great big fat long line of cars right outside National party MP’s and the PM’s residences. One night a week or more if you are so inclined. Park up, bring your sleeping bag and your alarm clock. Think of it as being similar to the Occupy movement.
Something for University students, Unionists , relatives of people in those situations, Poverty Action groups, and any and all concerned and angry citizens to participate in . Including those thinking of their children’s and grandchildren’s futures in this country.
And John Campbell doing interviews of people who have to live rough as well as those who are demonstrating. Then have that flicked to The Guardian in the UK.
Its time to hammer the far right.
These globalist neo liberals want to play rough ?
Lets give em rough by sleeping rough.
Sleep rough for one night a week.
A great suggestion WK (4.1) If it came to fruition, count me in. I might be coming up 70, but I’ve still got plenty of fighting spirit in me yet.
Wouldn’t it be great to have Kiwis come together en masse in collective solidarity around the country, to support their impoverished and homeless comrades? FJK hates anti NatzKEY demonstrations. They scare the bejesus out of him and his gang of reprobate thieves and charlatans. And that’s just what he and they need, a good shock to shake them to their filthy rotten core.
Then it will be a case of wait and watch FJK deploy his personal police force and army to remove the “SLEEPING ROUGH” OCCUPIERS.
But that’s fine, because it’s what despots do.
It would have to be well organized, so those removed, will be replaced immediately by further “SLEEPING ROUGH” OCCUPIERS and so on, until a positive solution is realized to address the underlying deep rooted issues contributing to homeless. Organized along the lines of that of the Martin Luther King movement in the ’50s and ’60s, which I remember so well.
Some Opposition politicians could also assist the cause, by “SLEEPING ROUGH.”
If nothing else it will create publicity for the cause, highlighting the disgraceful plight of far too many homeless Kiwis and their vile treatment from the government!
Revolutions were started for less!
lol, nice!
“So, I grew up in a State house and when I became Prime Minister, I set myself the target of making sure nobody else had to do the same. Nowadays, very few New Zullunders have access to social housing, which goes to show just how much my dream is shared by ordinary Kiwis.”
STATE housing is PUBLIC.
SOCIAL housing is PRIVATE.
A nice bit of satire – but let’s not confuse the housing terminology?
New Zealanders should continue to have access to STATE housing, if you believe, (as I do), that STATE housing should not be privatised via SOCIAL housing?
Kind regards
Penny Bright
2016 Auckland Mayoral candidate.
Thanks, Penny, good points.
That’s beautiful smart satire TRP. Mona Lisa smiles all round. Very wry.
Key also has a very large state house in Tinakori Road, Wellington, which is barely used that could accommodate several families
And the rest, a home at Sucess Crt Omaha beach, a home in Hawaii and a just sold apartment in London – Whitechapel.
That he is even have the gall to give ‘advice’ is too crazy.
Some of the homeless should park up outside John keys home and see how him and his neighbours like it
That’s a fantastic idea! However, I think they’d soon discover that police response times in Parnell are lightning fast compared to South Auckland…
Not to mention they would come up with some BS charge to arrest them for.
M. Gray (9) and his electorate offices in Helensville.
I’m so pleased with this announcement it is so very very true!
On the basis of that I’ve decided to buy a few more houses and board them up and live off their earnings – and NO TAX! it’s brilliant! FJK is F**kin brilliant. Why didn’t we think of this before.
Dear Mr Key,
On behalf of all the homeless people in my part of our wonderful country, I would like to thank you for your pious, inspirational words and tireless efforts to make my family’s life more bearable.
We really do appreciate that you have many calls on the reduced tax take, and we really don;t expect you to borrow more money to look after the homeless. Flag referendums, roads of national importance and cycle trails, Saudi sheep farms and Nuie hotels must, of course, have priority.
And, after all, life on the streets in summer (and hasn’t it been a long and beautifully warm summer) is not so bad. It could have been worse. My family could have had to share the car with another family.
So, thanks, Mr Key. Things have got appreciatively worse in the last eight years, but I’m sure it’s not your fault.
Kind regards
Meantime…..
http://www.radionz.co.nz/news/national/304122/homeless-borrow-thousands-for-motels
IF we had not focused all the time on Dirty politics in some vain hope the people of NZ would be shocked and had instead pointed out National past agenda’s what the outcome of them electing national again would be, what we would do instead and fought the election on issues of relevance we might not be in this issue and neither would be the homeless who rely on left governments to safeguard their welfare.
We need to start making Nationals agenda’s known in the lead up to the election. There is a plethora of stats showing failures, record debt, any other countries opposition would have a field day with the state of this nation.
Until we stop the agenda of Smith and Key privatising state housing, the sooner the issues can be resolved. Until then replacements will come along at the speed of private investors.. slowly. what private investor wants to rent to people who require council housing stereotypes. Meth heads would be your biggest fear.
How many of these homeless have no references because they trash places, cook meth and wreck them or are barred from all the real estate agents.
What a problem.
They expect private social housing will take this up? Their are reasons for state housing. Mainly because either they are short termers, or that hopeless council housing are the only place they can live who will take them, Gang members, social misfits.
Or do we just go National on them declare them scum and kick them to the kerb and ignore them?
Regardless of a person’s background, a person needs to be placed in suitable housing where they are warm, can prepare food and have sanitation and washing facilities. Rights of the tenancy need to be explained.
A shipping container with an outside mural could also give pleasure to the occupant. A camp ground atmosphere with shared facilities may also suit. A tree house or cabin for nature lovers etc.
Tree house? Get off the grass.
I’d almost drive around Auckland asking all the beggars to move to Helensville.
Loved it, TRP. How can I “share” this on Facebook ? ?
Just select and copy the url – http://thestandard.org.nz/key-to-homeless-you-can-stay-at-mine/ and paste it on your facebook page.
The photo of John Key in his pool is a photo of an actor in a stage set. If I keep the photo in mind I can ignore what’s happening off stage. Great !!!
That’s the most accurate press statement I have seen in a while.
keep up the good work!
Great piece of writing. Good suggestions – but only one post suggesting an action that the person would personally commit to and that would help homeless people. Others seem to prefer to dictate how others should help or live their lives including questioning someone’s right to build their house with their own money how they like (how rude! How would you feel if someone told you what size car you should buy or if you should use a bike or walk?). Personally, I think if every commenter on here – lefty, righty or whatever – actually committed to helping improve the situation took positive action in whatever way they feel appropriate (meal, bed, helping access the right services available, just chatting to the homeless people they meet etc) the situation would improve for those they helped. Meanwhile, all political parties would see it is something people genuinely care about and not just paying lip service to, and build a more sustainable solution together. A win without the political bullshitting.